Didn't Know What To Say

[dogg]

A friend of mine confided in me, that it's been over a year since he and his wife have had sex. She's always been a hypocondriac (spelling?) and for years would get this prescription and that, and sometimes I wonder how she's still living... (too much meds). He says when they were first married, it was normal, but her desire went down in the last few years, and last year..nothing. She's not physically disabled, nor has any kind of medical condition that prevents sex.

I was shocked. I mean, there have been years when I didn't get as much as I wanted, but never completely went w/o. He's not cheating on her, they seem to love each other very much. (they've been married 16 years). He doesn't want to pressure her.

I suggested, that he approach her about counseling and/or seeing a doctor. To reassure her that he has physical needs, but more than that. If it were all just physical, he good just get it somewhere else, but he wants to share with her.

I'm still shocked.

I know sometimes we guys joke about not getting sex, but this is the first time I've talked to someone who actually isn't.

To be frank, I'd have a VERY hard time staying faithful in that situation. I give him a lot of credit.

What else could I have told him?

[pappyld04]

Has he said anything to her or just complaining to everyone else? I don't know how he tolerates her pill popping for one but now it is having more effect. Unless those meds are really needed he needs put his foot down and stop that. If they are needed and are the cause of the problem then he/she/they should ask the Dr. about alternative meds.

[mystofpric]

I agree with pappy about the meds. Now I would imagine that her doctors would be steping in too rather than giving her more meds. If she really isn't sick and just thinks that she is, she should really talk to a therapist because hypochondria is a serious and diblitating disorder.

However, her sex drive maybe very low at the moment, if she has or is starting menopause the changes in hormones could be to blame. It could also be that she just honestly isn't interested at the moment. There are lots of good books on this sort of a problem (check out this thread for options http://forums.tootimid.com/index.php?showt...;hl=books+women ) so hopefully there is soomething that you might be able to recommend. Above all he needs to talk to his wife, he needs to explain that he loves her and wants to be able to show her physically how he feels. He also needs to explain that it is a need too, that he needs to be able to be sexual with her, not threaten her with cheating but tell her that he needs her

[littlefriend]

If she is still taking several meds at the same time, it would be wise to make a list to let the dr and pharmacist know what all she is taking. Prescription and over the counter.

My mother in law had issues with medications. She would go to different dr.'s and pharmacies and none of them knew what all she was on, until we informed them. She ended up with lythium (not sure on spelling) poisining.

I would think that it would also be very hard to open up to someone else and let loose, which you need for a good sex life, if you are just too focused on yourself and your own issues.

[dogg]

Has he said anything to her or just complaining to everyone else? I don't know how he tolerates her pill popping for one but now it is having more effect. Unless those meds are really needed he needs put his foot down and stop that. If they are needed and are the cause of the problem then he/she/they should ask the Dr. about alternative meds.

I should stress, the hypocondria remark..was in my opinion, and I'm not a doctor. It just seemed, over the years, every time a new "condition" came up, she seemed to have it. Frankly I'm surprised she takes so many meds or rather is able to get them, unless she's seeing different doctors. I know from years ago, she thought she needed to take a pill to go to sleep and another (at the same time) to make sure she woke up at a reasonable time the next day. This was in her early 30s. I didn't buy that then, and don't now. But she believed she had to take these.

It could be she *actually* needs them...I'm not a doctor, but I really can't believe anyone needed as much meds as she did at her young age (then 30s..now late 40s) outside of someone with a disability or life-threatening condition.

I've not seen her in years, and I was shocked at how ravaged she looked when I saw her yesterday. She's 48 and looks 60...and not a healhful 60.

So maybe I was wrong to jump the gun. I did suggest they talk to a doctor and see if the meds were affecting her libido, and to see what's needed and what's not. That could also be a good thing, in that she would only be on what she needed if any.

The husband, probably has his faults, but he's as nice a guy as you could meet. I get the impression, that she pretty much is the leader in that marriage, not him. If she doesn't want him to do something, he doesn't.

Hence, the reason I think they "could" be having sex, but then again..I'm making assumptions, and I don't even live in the same town, much less the same house.

I feel sorry for him.

Sex is a built in natural drive, like hunger...there's nothing wrong with him, for wanting to have sex with his WIFE! I don't see how he stands it, or hasn't cheated (which he says he hasn't...)

[pappyld04]

I hope she isn't getting pills from other people too. He should check that med cabinet and any hiding spots he may know about to make sure. Lillie has a good point about different docs and pharmacies! Even if she isn't being poisoned some meds counteract others so she may not be getting something that she needs!

Any talk with her about sex should never include threats, demands or insults. Sex isn't a wifes duty it is a choice.

[dogg]

Oh and btw, this isn't one of these..." a friend of mine" type notes, that is really referring to me.

This guy isn't me...my sex life is good for the most part. Sure I want more (most guys do!) but at least I'm having sex.

For many years my wife wouldn't even give a BJ, at least to the point of me cumming in her mouth. Now she does it, and doesn't mind at all. She enjoys anal sex (as do I) as well as pretty much everything else. (just us, no extra partners though).

So this guy in the story is definetly not me.

I hate to sound like a cad, but if I were him I'm not sure I could have stayed faithful. Sad to say, but I'm being honest.

[dogg]

I hope she isn't getting pills from other people too. He should check that med cabinet and any hiding spots he may know about to make sure. Lillie has a good point about different docs and pharmacies! Even if she isn't being poisoned some meds counteract others so she may not be getting something that she needs!

Any talk with her about sex should never include threats, demands or insults. Sex isn't a wifes duty it is a choice.

I don't really know enough about the situation, so can't say where she's getting the pills. He indicates they are prescriptions, which makes me think there are different doctors who aren't aware of everything she's taking. BUT I don't know that. Sitting here reading replies and thinking, maybe going to the doctor with a FULL LIST of all meds is the only answer. She really looks rough, and she was a pretty lady when she was younger. Not that looks are everything, but I'm saying you can see the effect these meds have taken. To my knowledge, she doesn't have any disease or serious malady. (not like cancer or diabetes or anything like that)

I'm undecided about sex being a duty or not. I thought in a small way it was. Let me say, I owe it to my wife to have sex with her, as she's agreed she will only look to me to fulfill her needs, and not outside the marriage. And vice versa. That said, there have been times I've been too tired (unbelieavable a male would say that) and times she was too tired, or didn't feel like it. So we waited. In other words, neither one of us feels forced to have sex if we don't want to .

[mystofpric]

Oh and btw, this isn't one of these..." a friend of mine" type notes, that is really referring to me.

This guy isn't me...my sex life is good for the most part. Sure I want more (most guys do!) but at least I'm having sex.

For many years my wife wouldn't even give a BJ, at least to the point of me cumming in her mouth. Now she does it, and doesn't mind at all. She enjoys anal sex (as do I) as well as pretty much everything else. (just us, no extra partners though).

So this guy in the story is definetly not me.

I hate to sound like a cad, but if I were him I'm not sure I could have stayed faithful. Sad to say, but I'm being honest.

My best friend John is in a similar situtation. His girlfriend of 3 years doesn't "put out" (my words not his). They took thinsg slow to start, which is always good, then they had a healthy sex like once they startd having sex and then, two months later, BAM! He got cut off completely. In about 6 months he'll get two solid weeks of good sex then nothing. She apperently uses every excuse in the book, and my friend John is a highly sexual person. I want to say he's been faithful but I know that's not true. (Guilty, sorta... different post) So I understand that the physical needs can be strong but I'm sure teh only thing stopping him from running out and getting some is just that he loves his wife, which is good. But doesn't make it any easier for him. Have him check out some of those books because if it isn't a medical issue maybe he can get some ideas.

[ginshreve]

IMHO, these are marriage issues and these people need marital therapy. I understand spells of people being tired or whatever, that is life and there are ebbs and flows in levels of desire - I think that's sort of normal.

But when people have gone years without sex, like it isn't even part of the marriage, to me that is excessive and over the top and begins to get into the "needs therapy to resolve it" territory. The refusing spouse has a lot of power that they are exercising in a way that is hurtful to the other, and they may be using the witholding of sex instead of talking about how they are upset that their spouse won't help around the house, share the responsibilities of the child-rearing, or keep a steady job - or anything that is bothering them that they won't communicate verbally.

Back to the question of whether sex a marital "duty" - I don't like to think of it as a duty, either, but I do think it is part of the marital contract, and if the status quo isn't working for both partners in the marriage then it needs to be fixed. It is totally not fair for one spouse to do that to the other.

That being said, of course people who are on their deathbed, disabled, or otherwise unable physically or emotionally to participate in sex need to be cut some slack - but there are lots of ways to accomplish helping your partner be sexually satisfied, no matter what your physical illnesses or limitations are, if you have the desire for them to be satisfied. To me, ignoring your partners needs is selfish and not being a good partner.

[vanilla_bean]

IMHO, these are marriage issues and these people need marital therapy. I understand spells of people being tired or whatever, that is life and there are ebbs and flows in levels of desire - I think that's sort of normal.

But when people have gone years without sex, like it isn't even part of the marriage, to me that is excessive and over the top and begins to get into the "needs therapy to resolve it" territory. The refusing spouse has a lot of power that they are exercising in a way that is hurtful to the other, and they may be using the witholding of sex instead of talking about how they are upset that their spouse won't help around the house, share the responsibilities of the child-rearing, or keep a steady job - or anything that is bothering them that they won't communicate verbally.

Back to the question of whether sex a marital "duty" - I don't like to think of it as a duty, either, but I do think it is part of the marital contract, and if the status quo isn't working for both partners in the marriage then it needs to be fixed. It is totally not fair for one spouse to do that to the other.

That being said, of course people who are on their deathbed, disabled, or otherwise unable physically or emotionally to participate in sex need to be cut some slack - but there are lots of ways to accomplish helping your partner be sexually satisfied, no matter what your physical illnesses or limitations are, if you have the desire for them to be satisfied. To me, ignoring your partners needs is selfish and not being a good partner.

Excellent response Moontide.

Dogg your response to your friend saying that he should consult a doctor/therapist is probably exactly what I would have said. Are you close enough to this person to suggest this forum to him?

[dogg]

Excellent response Moontide.

Dogg your response to your friend saying that he should consult a doctor/therapist is probably exactly what I would have said. Are you close enough to this person to suggest this forum to him?

No I'm not.

Matter of fact, he's my sister in law's husband. So it's clearly an uncomfortable position for me. I've not even discussed it with my wife.

The whole discussion caught me completely off guard. It seems a year or two ago, I was joking around about not having sex. (common for us married guys to joke around) and he thought I was serious. So he opened up to me, and asked how did I live with it. I felt really bad, and never, ever would have joked about no sex, had I known it was a reality for him.

I believe he said it's been over a year, almost 2 w/o ANY sex.

Ouch!

[Amylynn920]

Your friend has the patience of a saint. I couldn't do it.

[pappyld04]

http://forums.tootimid.com/index.php?showtopic=7406 - Print the first post and give to him!

[Tyger]

Wow! Sounds like that woman either switches doctors that don't require records to be transferred, her doctor really isn't paying a lot of attention to her "different" diseases, or, if she really is sick, that they've figured out what is wrong with her exactly. Some diseases mask themselves as other's, and until you get the right diagnosis, the more meds you will be given.

I would recommend that your friend go with his wife to the doctor, talk with the doctor about his concerns, infront of his wife. She needs a reality check as well. He needs to have the current doctor REALLY pay attention to what's going on. Too many doctors just push thru patients, prescribe something and move on to the next patient, not really paying attention to what's going on with their patients at all. Make this doctor sit, and go over all the meds with the both of them.

Many medications kill the libido. This could be part of the problem. IF she really is sick, depending on what she has (if she really is sick), could also be stressing her out, making her possibly feeling undesireable, or, just not wanting to have sex.

Either way, there needs to be some SERIOUS talking going on there, if he is wanting to fix this problem.

[OPL Laundry Goddess]

IMHO, these are marriage issues and these people need marital therapy. I understand spells of people being tired or whatever, that is life and there are ebbs and flows in levels of desire - I think that's sort of normal. But when people have gone years without sex, like it isn't even part of the marriage, to me that is excessive and over the top and begins to get into the "needs therapy to resolve it" territory.

The hypochondria aside, libido is a thermometer. My first thought is that the presumed hypochondria, as well as the lack of sexual intimacy, is probably an indicator of other things going on inside her, whether mentally, emotionally, or physiologically.

I would agree with everyone else here, the first thing he needs to do especially if, as you say, they seem very in love and he is a nice guy, that he begin accompanying her to her doc appts. Then go from there. Perhaps the physician has already suggested therapy, but she isn't relaying that info to the husband.

Regardless, a sexless marriage isn't healthy for anyone involved. They need help somewhere along the line.

~LG