Flirting

[vanilla_bean]

When you're already in a relationship, do you think flirting with someone else just gives you a boost or is it crossing a line? I mean the kind of flirting where everyone knows where they're at and that they're going home with the person they came with.

[Tyger]

I think that most people flirt naturally, to a degree. It's human nature.

I guess it depends on the level of flirting. I mean, my DH flirts with some women all the time. No biggie. However, if he allowed another woman to sit on his lap, kiss him, or grab his ass, then I may step in and tell her to get out of here.

[mailahn97]

I agree with Tyger. There are different levels of flirting. The way I see it is he is more than welcome to window shop, he just can't make a purchase....lol. I think if he stopped flirting I would start to wonder if he was feeling alright.

So be it though like Tyger said if she is on his lap and such that is over the limit and is disprectiful in my eyes.

[angelkisses98]

i am a HUGE flirt...always have been, always will be...my hubby new i was like this when we met, so for him it's not big deal. however, i know who i can and cant "flirt" with, and its done in a respectful way.

for example..i call GSK sweetcheeks all the time, but im would never walk up to him and grab his backside(no matter how cute it is that would be flat out disrespectful to my hubby, aiden and gsk.

so i think as along as its done tactfully, no harm done.

[cmwise1]

When you're already in a relationship, do you think flirting with someone else just gives you a boost or is it crossing a line? I mean the kind of flirting where everyone knows where they're at and that they're going home with the person they came with.

Is flirting ever harmless? I don't think so. There is a reason why flirting is done..to attract a mate, to give a boost to the self esteem, to banish boredom from a conversation. But IMO it is never done without a reason and requires forethought, be it subconscious or conscious. To be secure in a relationship, secure enough where there is no need to attract a mate, no need for a self esteem boost, and no need to use flirting as a means to jolt the conversation, would be the optimum situation. Even though everyone in your scenario knows where they are going at the end of the day, why are they making a decision to engage in behavior that suggests insecurity?

You already have a mate...do you feel the need to line up more potentials..in case?

Does flattery from unknown men or sexual innuendos from a friend enhance your personal self esteem?

Do you lack sufficient conversations skills to turn the conversation to a different subject that does not involve flirting?

I sit here and answer this post thinking about myself, my own behavior. Flirting puts me sort of out there, in a risky situation. The risks are that i will be ignored, or not. If i am ignored, well, my self esteem suffers. If i am not ignored, then my behavior has a meaning. But i am not in a secure relationship with my partner by my side. If my partner flirted, I would ask him/her why they felt it was necessary to bring that kind of attention to themselves, what meaning is behind their actions.

[thurisas]

I don't think I agree, Pinky. I think flirting is just a part of what we are. In society we repress a lot of what we are instinctively so that we can better live together. I don't think you'll ever find a relationship where there is no flirting at all. I think it is psychologically impossible. From the very earliest age, little girls flirt. The point is likely to tug at heartstrings to get protection, but if it is happening at that very early age how can it be anything but hardwired? If its hardwired it is something very hard to beat down. I think those people who try to suppress those urges probably live a bit of a unhappier life than one who doesn't.

I flirt. Val knows I flirt. Val knows it will never go beyond conversational flirting. Sometimes Val joins in. Val and I both are very much secure in our relationship and know exactly how far the flirting will go, and who's bed we'll end up in come morning. Flirting of responsible people in a relationship with other people who respect boundaries is perfectly harmless.

Randy.

[Mikayla1]

Even those of us who are deeply and profoundly committed to our relationships, and have a healthy self esteem may go through stages of our relationships where, in fact, we are experiencing a loss of the sense that we are desirable. And not just sexually desirable, but intellectually and emotionally as well. It may be a matter of maturity to have the insight concerning this; if maturity is low, the person may step forward out of flirting and into infidelity.

So, flirting could be a simple prelude to cheating in a committed relationship, or an outside affirmation of one's attractiveness, not just as a sexual being, but as an interesting and stimulating human being.

In it's essence, flirting is all about attracting other's attention in order to engage them, for the simple pleasure of social engagement. It's a way for one person to tell another person, in a clever, amusing, not so subtle way: "I like you, and want to get to know you better." Watch any baby, and you will see them flirting...a good friend's young daughter, just eighteen months old, flirts shamelessly with me, and it is a sheer joy to watch and participate in. Of course, it is only later in life that sexuality enters the flirting fray (complicating matters greatly, I fully admit). I won't be flirting with her when she is eighteen, I assure you.

One must have the maturity (as an adult) to know the boundaries of flirting, and how to do it well. I flirt all the time here on TT, in the forums and sometimes in private messages. My posted prose, in fact, is a form flirting; it is usually about intimate issues, and is being placed in a public forum for all to engage me through reading (and sometimes responding) to it. This desire for me to engage other in this way does not, in my opinion, constitute poor self esteem, in fact, just the opposite.

In my view, the difference between genuine flirting and th behaviors that Pinky so accurately observes is that in genuine flirting, it is as much about the other person as it is about me....in what Pinky describes, it's all about me and my satisfaction, be damned who gets hurt or used for my gain. The mature gentleman 'flirter' always deeply considers what he says and does in his flirtations, and would never, ever, do anything to sully the honor of the 'flirtee'.

*Ditto*

[sun_flower969]

Is flirting ever harmless? I don't think so. There is a reason why flirting is done..to attract a mate, to give a boost to the self esteem, to banish boredom from a conversation. But IMO it is never done without a reason and requires forethought, be it subconscious or conscious. To be secure in a relationship, secure enough where there is no need to attract a mate, no need for a self esteem boost, and no need to use flirting as a means to jolt the conversation, would be the optimum situation. Even though everyone in your scenario knows where they are going at the end of the day, why are they making a decision to engage in behavior that suggests insecurity?

You already have a mate...do you feel the need to line up more potentials..in case?

Does flattery from unknown men or sexual innuendos from a friend enhance your personal self esteem?

Do you lack sufficient conversations skills to turn the conversation to a different subject that does not involve flirting?

I sit here and answer this post thinking about myself, my own behavior. Flirting puts me sort of out there, in a risky situation. The risks are that i will be ignored, or not. If i am ignored, well, my self esteem suffers. If i am not ignored, then my behavior has a meaning. But i am not in a secure relationship with my partner by my side. If my partner flirted, I would ask him/her why they felt it was necessary to bring that kind of attention to themselves, what meaning is behind their actions.

I agree with you and I get what you are saying. Although I do think that SOME flirting is harmless. Most is not and I think everyone knows what I am talking about. The kind that gives you a buzz. The kind that invades your thoughts later on. The kind that makes you go "what am I doing?" Someone once said, "If you could say or do it in front of your SO then it's OK. If you couldn't well you should check your motivation" Having said all this I will confess it is a huge weakness of mine! What can I say, I love the attention. It is almost euphoric. My H is well aware of this also. I have to watch myself because it can get out of hand if I don't guard myself.

[Amylynn920]

I think flirting is a double edged sword. Some flirting definately is harmless. Some is not. A comment made in playfulness is so much different than being purposefully suggestive to the point where it's ongoing day in and day out or directed continuously to the same person. Then it's not flirting it becomes pursuit.

People that do it to the extreme and continually when they are in a committed relationship do so because their esteem is in the gutter. They need the ego stroke. Or they are looking to fool around on the side with a "safe" means. The problem comes into play when it's done repeatedly and at the expense of their s/o/ I see it all the time. People in supposed loving, committed relationships, where the sex is super hot, flirt and cross the line over and over again. That behavior is sickening imo. How can that be beneficial to a healthy relationship? Where is the respect for your partner let alone yourself?

I have enough respect for myself and for GSK that I would never hurt him, myself or what we have to even want to do that. Sure we make comments in front of each other at times to someone, but it is in jest. And we both know it. I have had pms sent to me from guys and I ignore. No way would I act on it. There's no reason to. I suppose it's the difference between a secure mature person and one that's not.

Neither him or I would take it out of the line of vision of the other by flirting in a pm or an im or away from the sight of each other. That's a huge red flag. When it gets to that level it's cheating. And there's simply no reason for it. If he can't deliver for me or me for him what we need, we would have to look at why we are together. But yes, we see it among people we know all the time. And the sad fact is that those people are the ones that have their spouse or a partner cheat on them and then they wonder why.

ETA: Ak you can flirt with GSK, and yes he does have a cute tush. But then again your husband's is magniffficent

[angelkisses98]

I think flirting is a double edged sword. Some flirting definately is harmless. Some is not. A comment made in playfulness is so much different than being purposefully suggestive to the point where it's ongoing day in and day out or directed continuously to the same person. Then it's not flirting it becomes pursuit.

People that do it to the extreme and continually when they are in a committed relationship do so because their esteem is in the gutter. They need the ego stroke. Or they are looking to fool around on the side with a "safe" means. The problem comes into play when it's done repeatedly and at the expense of their s/o/ I see it all the time. People in supposed loving, committed relationships, where the sex is super hot, flirt and cross the line over and over again. That behavior is sickening imo. How can that be beneficial to a healthy relationship? Where is the respect for your partner let alone yourself?

I have enough respect for myself and for GSK that I would never hurt him, myself or what we have to even want to do that. Sure we make comments in front of each other at times to someone, but it is in jest. And we both know it. I have had pms sent to me from guys and I ignore. No way would I act on it. There's no reason to. I suppose it's the difference between a secure mature person and one that's not.

Neither him or I would take it out of the line of vision of the other by flirting in a pm or an im or away from the sight of each other. That's a huge red flag. When it gets to that level it's cheating. And there's simply no reason for it. If he can't deliver for me or me for him what we need, we would have to look at why we are together. But yes, we see it among people we know all the time. And the sad fact is that those people are the ones that have their spouse or a partner cheat on them and then they wonder why.

ETA: Ak you can flirt with GSK, and yes he does have a cute tush. But then again your husband's is magniffficent

well said toots...harmless flirting is one thing, its another when you knowingly know what you are doing is wrong and can hurt your partners feelings, or cause further strain to a relationship. AND if you are seeking ppl out to flirt with.

and yes, my hubby has a magniffficent arse. and feel free to oogle my husbands arse anytime so long as gsk doesnt mind me oogling his...or yours for that matter

[zakdad]

Most of us will do some form of flirting on here and in public, but I would never cheat on my wife! She is a flirt as well. We will be out somewhere or people here and we will flirt a little with most all of them, but in a harmless respectful way.

As a musician, I have had a lot of women flirt with me and I will flirt back to an extent, but I also let them know that I am happily married! Even as we have done the swinging thing, I would never say to one of them that they should come home with me to share with my wife! She would have to be there and we would talk about something like that before we EVER said anything to anyone!

I agree that flirting starts at an early age or inborn in all of us. Some of us are better at it than others, but we all do it to an extent. Anything I ever say on here is really joking when I flirt! Just like I and others have told some they should come here to see us. If they really wanted to visit us for sex, it would be a no go! We both would have to be attracted to the person or persons and we have never met up with anyone from the internet for sex!!

Harmless, respectful flirting is fine and we have both talked about this. She is hit on by guys all the time, but I know she is going home with me! She may flirt back or not, but as long as it is harmless, it doesn't bother me. She is the same way! She knows I get flirted with at gigs, but she knows I would never do anything to hurt our relationship!! She doesn't get bent out of shape if we get flashed onstage, either! That happens sometimes and I always tell her about it if she was not there. She thinks it is funny!! Like I said, she knows I am coming home to/with her!

Peace,

Mark

[sun_flower969]

I think flirting is a double edged sword. Some flirting definately is harmless. Some is not. A comment made in playfulness is so much different than being purposefully suggestive to the point where it's ongoing day in and day out or directed continuously to the same person. Then it's not flirting it becomes pursuit.

People that do it to the extreme and continually when they are in a committed relationship do so because their esteem is in the gutter. They need the ego stroke. Or they are looking to fool around on the side with a "safe" means. The problem comes into play when it's done repeatedly and at the expense of their s/o/ I see it all the time. People in supposed loving, committed relationships, where the sex is super hot, flirt and cross the line over and over again. That behavior is sickening imo. How can that be beneficial to a healthy relationship? Where is the respect for your partner let alone yourself?

I think you are absolutely right. Having been in that almost exact situation I can say from experience, no amount of attraction or flirting is worth what you may stand to lose. In my case my best friend and soul mate. Last year we almost divorced due to some infidelity in our marriage. It all started with flirting! We went through absolute HELL as a result of it. It was gut wrenching and I thought we would never get over it. Now we are more in love and more committed to each other than ever. I can say with 100% certainty we will never risk what we have again. You have to guard yourself and remember there are consequences to crossing lines...

[highlander]

*looks at vanilla bean from head to toe and does his best Joey Tribiani*...How you doin?

[vanilla_bean]

*looks at vanilla bean from head to toe and does his best Joey Tribiani*...How you doin?

Did you hear that? (It was my panties hitting the floor).

[sun_flower969]

Did you hear that? (It was my panties hitting the floor).

LOL VAN!

[highlander]

Did you hear that? (It was my panties hitting the floor).

oxygen!!! I need oxygen!!!

[OPL Laundry Goddess]

I flirt. Val knows I flirt. Val knows it will never go beyond conversational flirting. Sometimes Val joins in. Val and I both are very much secure in our relationship and know exactly how far the flirting will go, and who's bed we'll end up in come morning. Flirting of responsible people in a relationship with other people who respect boundaries is perfectly harmless.

In it's essence, flirting is all about attracting other's attention in order to engage them, for the simple pleasure of social engagement. It's a way for one person to tell another person, in a clever, amusing, not so subtle way: "I like you, and want to get to know you better." // The mature gentleman 'flirter' always deeply considers what he says and does in his flirtations, and would never, ever, do anything to sully the honor of the 'flirtee'.

IMO, flirting - with whom and when - are boundary issues, just like Randy said. I am personally all about the flirt. I think flirting done correctly can boost the esteem of both the one flirting and the one receiving the attention. To mimic Iha, it "honors" both parties and can go far in producing those feel good feelings that you are a desirable, on any level - sexual or intellectual. The point is what works for you and your partner(s) and how do those around you feel about outward advances? Its a simple discussion between partners and a respect to adhere to the boundaries that make your SO feel secure.

~LG

[chloegirl]

I agree. It's all in the level that you take it to. A little light-weight flirting is fun and can be a very mood/ego enhancing harmless game. Quite frankly when you get to the point that you never flirt with anyone you are killing off an important part of yourself (the way you see yourself and that others see you) by turning yourself into a sexless, lifeless drone and eventually it will become who you are which is not good for you or your partner. Plus I think it's good for us and our partners to be aware that we are not invisible to others....we all have some spark that needs occasional stroking no matter how secure you are and let's face it....I don't care how good your relationship is, after awhile you do start to become a little desensitized to that person just because you're around each other day in and day out. A little harmless flirting can shake things up just enough for you both to open your eyes and really see each other again. But there is always a line you can cross that takes it into a completely different territory where it can be a very dangerous thing. And of course you should ALWAYS keep in mind how your partner feels and reacts to your actions and how you would feel if it was the other way around. Respect has to always be foremost in your mind, but really...who wants to be stuck with a dead-ass stick in the mud who doesn't have enough life and laughter in them to play just a little?

[jhard]

I mean the kind of flirting where everyone knows where they're at and that they're going home with the person they came with.

The thing with the above kind of flirting is that it can become a different kind of flirting which can take you to a place where you did not initially want to end up. Once you start, you can't know for sure where it will end. There are plenty of cultures where men would assume that if a woman flirts with them that they will be going to the sack. A good friend of mine took his flirting to far one night and ended up doing some things that he very much regretted later. Damn, I wish I was in his shoes for that one night!