Food For Thought...

[sun_flower969]

I had a thought today actually 2 thoughts that brought me to a larger one. Once in awhile someone will come on here upset because their SO has been viewing Porn. Now I think you all know how I personally feel about that topic. However to each is own and I am not going to judge anyone. I will say though for some women, it really affects their self esteem, knowing that their partner is viewing and getting aroused by other women. By the same token, a lot of men come on here saying how their wives are not as sexual, wont give oral sex or what have you. In some relationships could this somehow be linked? In a relationship shouldn't it be about give and take? Coming to common ground and compromise for the sake of the other. In other words putting their needs above your own. If you are both doing that then both needs will be met right? My thought is this: What if your wife agreed to give you oral sex regularly (or whatever sexual thing you have been craving) but in return you had to promise to never, (NEVER) view porn again. Could you do it? Would you consider it? Would you sneak it? On the flip side If you are one of those women and have an issue with porn and your man gave it up would you reciprocate by being completely sexually available to him, whatever definition he has of that? Now without going into too much detail. I had a huge problem with this in my marriage. Well my H did give it up. It has been about 9 months since and he says he has no desire for it any longer. That all he can think about is me. Even masturbation seems futile now because the sex we have is way better than anything he can imagine or feel alone. I feel the same way. We are experiencing a connection like never before. A total focus on each other.

Now some of you have the best of both worlds with no issues on either side in which case you are very lucky. Well just take a seat! No offense! This is for those of you (if any!) who can relate to this one.

[sass]

I am not qualified to answer, but I think this is a great question Sun! I look forward to seeing what others say.

[sun_flower969]

I am not qualified to answer, but I think this is a great question Sun! I look forward to seeing what others say.

Thanks girlfriend... So far it's you and me and crickets... chirp chirp chirp

[sass]

Thanks girlfriend... So far it's you and me and crickets... chirp chirp chirp

LOL!

[Mikayla1]

I too am not qualified to answer, as one of those lucky ones.....

however, I can say this on behalf of my friend who had problems with her hubby watching porn. It hurt her feelings and made her feel 'less than' even though I told her that she shouldn't feel that way. He told me that if his wife were more sexually 'available' to him, that he wouldn't have to look and fantasize. I told her, they talked and came to an agreement. He would only view porn when she was with him, and as a sort of foreplay - and in return, she would have less headaches and be more open to certain sexual acts.

This is what happened. She kept her side of the bargain. They both fully admitted that she was really trying to be more sexual. She gave more blowjobs, tried sex toys, wore lingerie, etc. Things were going along great. Then, one day she came home and found him on the computer looking at porn. They were big breasted women and she is rather small chested. She was hurt and upset and confronted him. This is what he said in a nutshell:

'honey, I love you. I desire you. However, I am a guy and I NEED to look at other women. sorry.'

That about summed it up for her. This only happened a few weeks ago, I am not sure what is going on with it, perhaps she will sign up and start posting on it.

[sbayhylle]

Ditto for me on being qualified. Hubby and I both like to watch porn together AND we go to strip clubs together. I know how lucky that we are from listening to my girlfriends talk about how they hate porn and would not even dare go to a stripclub. I am interested to see the answers though.

[ladylove]

Sorry Sun I'm not able to comment for my self, but my girl friend is going through a very tough time. They are getting a divorce. In talking to her it sounds like she's so insecure with herself, and her body image is shot to shit, that she has single handedly ruined her marriage. Now I know it takes two to make or break a marriage, but from what she tells me, it just sounds like she's self destructive.

[vanilla_bean]

Well, I may not be qualified to reply, but that's never stopped me before! I know I'm a broken record, but there was a time when I wasn't so into sex. Shortly after that all changed, my H said very seriously to me that he had a confession to make. He admitted that he had "strayed". My heart stopped. Then he explained that he had looked at porn on the internet. I honestly didn't care. I assumed all men looked at porn from time to time. Now that he's getting all he can handle, I don't think he looks at porn, but I'm not sure. He's away right now or I would ask him. We did watch some porn together a couple of weeks ago because it was something I had never done and said that I would like to try. It might be the DVD we picked, but I was disappointed. After years of hearing about it, I was expecting something amazing I guess. It was titillating, but also kind of silly. I might try it again, I'm not sure.

[cmwise1]

I'm not qualified either...but..anyway

I like to look at porn. I like to look at other women. I like to look at all the variation in human body form. I like to look at men..I like the variation, there, too.

When i was practicing medicine, i would have women come to my office who were quite large. On my health questionnaire was a question: Are you happy with your sex life? Almost every one, across the board, said YES. Being a person who has had issues with weight, i couldn't imagine these BIG women having sex with ANYone, let alone being happy with it. But, over time i began to realize that men find all sorts of bodies attractive. And women can feel good about themselves at all weights..and that this is a GOOD thing.

Learn to love yourself for what you are..every curve and hollow. Your hubby wants to be with you. Who wants to grab skin and bones? Don't let our culture mess with your mind. Remember Marilyn Monroe wore, what, a size 14?

[sun_flower969]

Remember Marilyn Monroe wore, what, a size 14?

Yes I do remember that... Have you seen my gallery???

[sun_flower969]

'honey, I love you. I desire you. However, I am a guy and I NEED to look at other women. sorry.'

Yes but he broke his promise. That's not right. Looking is one thing. Sneaking and lying is quite another. It's like he chose it over her, or over the promise he made. I am sure that hurt! Other than Mikayla's answer relating through a friend and perhaps Iha, (and on a sidenote, sorry Iha ) NO one is answering this at all. It seems like no one gets it. At least no one who has replied. I regret posting it, Oh well...

[chloegirl]

I think a big part of being bothered by their watching porn is mostly your own personal insecurities taking over and blowing it all out of proportion, making it more than what it really is. When we first got married I'm afraid I inherited alot of my mother's attitude about it and hated the thought that my husband would look at it. My mother's intense aversion to it stemmed from her being insecure about herself and his commitment to her (they had relationship problems) and I myself was very insecure, had that body image problem that it seems almost all women have at some time (but if you look back now you realize it was all in your head....there wasn't a problem with your body or looks.....just your own mindset!) I was glad that hubby didn't look at porn or mags. Now he did admit that when guys brought it to work of course he would look but he never brought it home in any way and he never masturbated and me being young, stupid, and inexperienced was glad for this. But now I've grown up and I can't help thinking that maybe if he did have more access to that in his younger years his libido might have been a little more revved up and our sex life would not have sucked as bad as it did. After all, it is true that the more you use it the more you want it and vice versa. I have actually been the one to show him some porn sites and bring the movies home. He will occasionally spend a few a minutes looking at it, but to this day he just isn't big into it but when I do see that he's looked at some it doesn't bother me like it would have years ago because I know that just because they look doesn't change your relationship (at this point I'm secure enough to know that he loves me and really only wants me)....it's just looking and maybe a little fantasizing and really that is a positive thing as long as your partner doesn't use it to the exclusion of your relationship.

And yes of course both partners should always do everything they can to give to or to please their spouse but you still have to be able to do that without totally losing yourself in the process and no matter how idealic a relationship is there will always be issues where one wants more than the other is either willing to or capable of giving and you have to be the one to decide if you can live with that or not. You can't realistically expect another person to give up every single thought and fantasy and it is really naive to expect them to think of nothing and no one but you 24/7....but that little bit of private "mind" time is an important part of what makes them who they are.....it can be a positive thing,and it is definitely a normal thing.

[sun_flower969]

And yes of course both partners should always do everything they can to give to or to please their spouse but you still have to be able to do that without totally losing yourself in the process and no matter how idealic a relationship is there will always be issues where one wants more than the other is either willing to or capable of giving and you have to be the one to decide if you can live with that or not. You can't realistically expect another person to give up every single thought and fantasy and it is really naive to expect them to think of nothing and no one but you 24/7....but that little bit of private "mind" time is an important part of what makes them who they are.....it can be positive thing,and it is definitely a normal thing.

That is a great point Chloe!

[vanilla_bean]

Yes but he broke his promise. That's not right. Looking is one thing. Sneaking and lying is quite another. It's like he chose it over her, or over the promise he made. I am sure that hurt! Other than Mikayla's answer relating through a friend and perhaps Iha, (and on a sidenote, sorry Iha ) NO one is answering this at all. It seems like no one gets it. At least no one who has replied. I regret posting it, Oh well...

Sorry that most of us don't seem to be getting this, but don't regret posting it. I have found this discussion interesting.

[Mikayla1]

Actually, in a way you are getting the answers you want. I mean, this might just show that most women don't really have a problem with porn.

However, you make a great point too, it is not always the actual images that are the issue, but the lying, sneaking, deceiving and the 'fantasy' cheating that is the issue. I think that the real root of the issue comes in that manner.

[mystofpric]

Since, I'm perputually single, I can't really personally relate. On of my best friends however has one of these girlfriends who isn't all that into sex and she doesn't want him looking at porn. I don't really think he does very often (if at all) i know he wasn't really into porn when he was single, so why change now right? So my question is this, if he's already do what she wants (for teh most part but a man does have to release some steam right?) shouldn't she be making up for the lack of options on his side? This goes back to teh discussion of sex as a responiblity. They are ina commited relationship and he does everything he can (from what I hear) to please her sexually, including staunching his own sex life, but she doesn't make much of an effort for him. So unfair. I think though no porn for more sex is a fair trade.

[HezRae76]

My husband doesn't look at porn and he is generally uninterested in sex so I'm also unqualified to answer this question. But I'd be okay with anything he did (like watching porn, etc.) if it meant we'd have a better sex life.

[Tyger]

I don't think that people here are VERY qualified to answer this question. Anyone with a pulse & desires are!!!

Here's my view, such as it is:

I agree with Chloe in many ways. Porn is usually blown out of proportion to many people due to insecurities and self-esteem issues. Porn is a TOOL, much like sex toys are a TOOL, in the bedroom, for fantasy, and fulfillment. Plus, I think many women take porn waaaaaaaaaay too personally. Think of it this way, though milder, if you have a crush on a movie star, like say, Johnny Depp, should your husband be concerned that you're more attracted to JP, than to you? Should your lover be worried if you read romance novels? Should he be worried if Fabio is on the cover, and you're intensely reading a book with him on it?

Couples can benefit from watching porn, if they let themselves. So long as couples don't NEED to watch it to get turned on, then couples should be open to the possibilites of watching it, whether solo, or together. You can learn a few tricks, but always remember that porn isn't a guide to be followed.

What about educational porn? Nina Hartley is famous for having put out some of the best educational/informative series of porn. You learn, AND you get to see the information in, um, action!! LOL It's not raunchy, down and dirty, or anything, but those videos are usually trying to make things more fun in lover's lives!

I don't see porn as degrading to women, because, in all honesty, in the porn industry, the WOMEN usually have most of the control when it comes to scenes. They have things they will and will not do, just like in real life. They get paid for it because it's their chosen job. Many of which (like Tara Patrick), will tell you that in their personal lives, they're not as outgoing as they are in the movies just because porn is a FANTASY. Like watching a real life fantasy you came up with in your head.

Now, those films that are illegal due to forced/maniplulated/underage issues, well, yes, those ARE degrading and stupid. But I don't think that's what we're talking about. I'm talking about regular, mainstream, legal porn.

Men are visual creatures. Not saying that they're not as visual as women, but, they tend to get turned on more by what they SEE, again, this is why porn is geared a lot more towards men. And, porn is a lot like theater. You know how, in theater, make up is really dark, and if you're up close, it's almost comical? This is so the people waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay in the back can see them & get their affects of how the character's suppose to come across too. So everyone gets a good show. Well, porn's basically the same way. Except, the majority of males that seem to buy porn, love big breasts, shaved snatches, blonde hair, and so on. At this particular time, that is the "stigma/norm" of porn. The cosmetic surgery those women go thru seem extreme, but it's all for their chosen profession of being a sex symbol in the adult industry. It's to accentuate the female body. To, literally, make things POP out for all to see!

Now, with all that said, if there is someone that is watching porn, after making a promise not to do so, well, I see that as a problem. Being in a relationship, there has to be give & take. Compromises, and efforts made on BOTH sides. If someone makes a promise to try hard to do/not do something, then they really should try, and NOT sneak. IMO, sneaking stuff is a form of lying. THAT instance is NOT porn's fault, it's the spouse that is breaking the promise. Would you blame the water for flooding the bathroom, or the person that forgot to shut off the faucet? Same difference!

Honest efforts that WANT to be made are important. If you make a promise that you don't WANT to do, then why make it? If there's something that you don't want to do in a relationship, after trying it, or having experience with it, then you shouldn't be guilted into making any promise. If you LOVE someone, and want to make them happy, then you should WANT to do stuff, within reason. But any promises that are guilted, coerced, or demanded on, aren't worth making.

Remember, you can't change a person. You can't change their likes and dislikes. Only THEY can, if they WANT too. Trying to guilt them into it, knowing how they are, well, you're asking for disappointment.

[Mikayla1]

Very nicely said Tyger.

I have to piggyback off something that you have said though. I understand why some women would take issue with porn, or rather their SO watching the porn. I understand that many men promise not to - and then go back on that promise. Should a man stay true to his promises? Sure he should. However, if we are to be a fly on the wall during a conversation between a man and a woman on this subject, it probably goes like this:

"I don't like you looking at those naked, slutty women"

"honey, I just like to look every once in a while."

"I don't care, they are whores and you have me here in the flesh, why do you need THEM?"

"I don't NEED them honey, I love you, I love fucking you, I just like to look."

"I don't want you to look. Look at me if you want to see tits and ass. What do I not have that THEY do?"

"Honey, I love your look, I love your tits and ass, but sometimes I just need...variety."

"Variety? Um, you married me. We are COMITTED. You are not supposed to have VARIETY! Are you thinking of your porno sluts when we fuck? You are. aren't you! God damn you, son of a bitch!"

"Honey, relax, calm down. I am not thinking of them, I just like looking at them. It is a fantasy, that is all."

"You fantasize about DDD big breasted, shaven snatched whores? Nice. Why did you marry me then?"

"I married you because I love you, not because of any other reason. I love you, I love your C cups and all."

"Well, I am not going to compete with miss big breasts. You need to stop watching it. That is is, I am gonna leave you if you keep watching that smut!'

"Honey, I love YOU. I want to be with YOU. Why are you making this such a big deal?"

"Oh, so if it bothers me it is a big deal huh? You bet your ass it is a big deal. Promise me or I am gone!"

"OK, fine. I promise. I won't look at any more naked women."

So the promise is made, tried to be kept, but then broken. WHY? Well, because in this instance, which I assure you is not far off from real life, the man is painted into a corner with an irrational woman who is, quite honestly, acting like a bitch. Should he have 'promised?' Probably not. However, if you have come into a situation with an irrational person, sometimes you make irrational decisions.

and that is all I have to say about that....

[sun_flower969]

Actually, in a way you are getting the answers you want. I mean, this might just show that most women don't really have a problem with porn.

However, you make a great point too, it is not always the actual images that are the issue, but the lying, sneaking, deceiving and the 'fantasy' cheating that is the issue. I think that the real root of the issue comes in that manner.

You know I have been really thinking about all this and that's the thing... intentions! My marriage was almost destroyed by my husbands porn habit. OK, it lead to acting out and having an affair. This is why I don't like it. Say what you (everyone) will but he really had a problem with it. It wasn't the casual viewing from time to time. It was a habit, it was affecting him and our marriage and it ballooned into something worse. What happened with him could definitely be classified as an addiction. He was pretty young when he started watching and it messed up his image of what sex should really be like. Chasing a fantasy. He even says himself that it had a bad influence on him. I think lack of maturity could be the source of this problem. Now I have always been very sexual, obviously I am here! So the fact that I have issues with porn may seem strange or maybe I seem judgmental or "condemning". I have come to the conclusion that Porn in and of itself has it's place. Like any indulgence it needs to be used in moderation! I think if we hadn't gone through all that crap, we also would use porn on occasion. The problem is for example, a recovering alcoholic, can't have a drink again because it could lead back to acting out and the bad behaviors. A non alcoholic can drink whenever, even get drunk on occasion and still be fine. We don't use porn alone or in our marriage because of the same reason. As much as I frequent this site, last year I was on a sex addiction site equally as active trying to save my marriage! So again, there is a difference between a person who watches porn on occasion without it affecting their life in the slightest and an addict who needs it and can't go a day without it. I think maybe sounding off about my disdain for porn on a sex site where they sell it could be controversial! However this is my opinion. This is my situation. We are happy. We are healing and we are Porn free! I think I will stay away from this topic from now on. For fear of being looked upon as "Debbie downer" unless I see a red flag, then I HAVE to try to help.

Anyway this thread was just supposed to have people answer the questions: Would you give it up if you are a person who's SO hates it. And, "If you are a person who's SO uses porn and you don't like it, would you be more sexually available if they gave it up... No one has said yes or no to either.

Iha said in another post:

"There is nothing I would refuse to do, (short of committing a crime) if my lover needed it to feel loved."

I definitely can say the same. I would like to believe that everyone feels this way but maybe I am just naive.

[Tyger]

You know I have been really thinking about all this and that's the thing... intentions! My marriage was almost destroyed by my husbands porn habit. OK, it lead to acting out and having an affair. This is why I don't like it. Say what you (everyone) will but he really had a problem with it. It wasn't the casual viewing from time to time. It was a habit, it was affecting him and our marriage and it ballooned into something worse. What happened with him could definitely be classified as an addiction. He was pretty young when he started watching and it messed up his image of what sex should really be like. Chasing a fantasy. He even says himself that it had a bad influence on him. I think lack of maturity could be the source of this problem. Now I have always been very sexual, obviously I am here! So the fact that I have issues with porn may seem strange or maybe I seem judgmental or "condemning". I have come to the conclusion that Porn in and of itself has it's place. Like any indulgence it needs to be used in moderation! I think if we hadn't gone through all that crap, we also would use porn on occasion. The problem is for example, a recovering alcoholic, can't have a drink again because it could lead back to acting out and the bad behaviors. A non alcoholic can drink whenever, even get drunk on occasion and still be fine. We don't use porn alone or in our marriage because of the same reason. As much as I frequent this site, last year I was on a sex addiction site equally as active trying to save my marriage! So again, there is a difference between a person who watches porn on occasion without it affecting their life in the slightest and an addict who needs it and can't go a day without it. I think maybe sounding off about my disdain for porn on a sex site where they sell it could be controversial! However this is my opinion. This is my situation. We are happy. We are healing and we are Porn free! I think I will stay away from this topic from now on. For fear of being looked upon as "Debbie downer" unless I see a red flag, then I HAVE to try to help.

Anyway this thread was just supposed to have people answer the questions: Would you give it up if you are a person who's SO hates it. And, "If you are a person who's SO uses porn and you don't like it, would you be more sexually available if they gave it up... No one has said yes or no to either.

Iha said in another post:

"There is nothing I would refuse to do, (short of committing a crime) if my lover needed it to feel loved."

I definitely can say the same. I would like to believe that everyone feels this way but maybe I am just naive.

So long as a lover is willing to make promises and honestly TRY to keep them, then yes, I think that most people should really try and let their lovers feel secure & loved. If they mess up, they should nicely say that they had a moment of weakness and admit to it.

I'm sorry your husband had this problem, Sun. If he was replacing porn with real sex, then I can absolutely see why you would hate it. Porn CAN become an addiction, just like anything else. I'm glad that he was able to see that it was really causing a problem, and is taking steps to make sure that it's not a problem anymore.

To answer your question, I've always been upfront & honest with my lovers about my liking porn, solo and with my lover. Plus my affection for toys. For a long time, my now-hubby didn't like the fact that I used toys, so I didn't WITH him, though he knew I still had some. I was very blatant that I wouldn't stop using them, and he accepted that. Early on, had he tried to control me by telling me he didn't want me using toys or watching porn, when I was alone, then, I would've viewed that AS a form of control, and not stayed with him. I'm not saying that toys/porn are more important that people, however, I put myself out there, told them what I liked, and I guess the type of men I am/was attracted too liked it too, because I was never once asked to stop.

Now, if he asked me to stop now, I'd tell him to kiss my bootie, since it's been OK this whole time. But if I was replacing being intimate with him for the other stuff, then I'd reconsider how much I used it.

[vanilla_bean]

Sun, I think that you're doing what's best for your relationship. Good for you!

[mystofpric]

Sun, please don't feel like you can't post on a topic because we will look at you differently. YOu had a bad (putting it lightly) experience with porn and your husband and your opinion has changed to reflect that. It really is the same as the spouse of an alcoholic hating alcohol. Really that simple. You have started an amazing discussion here, and while we may not always share opinions we respect them. Me? I like porn, I like toys, I like sex, i like mixing the three. If you were like my friends girlfriend (hypothectically there was no addiction) and you refused to let him watch porn and you didn't like sex, then I would have a few things to say. But as you seem to enjoy sex, and you have a legitimate reason for not wanting him to watch porn, then I say you have nothingto fear as far as judgement goes.

Kisses! (with a little tongue)

Suzy

[Mikayla1]

I think I will stay away from this topic from now on. For fear of being looked upon as "Debbie downer" unless I see a red flag, then I HAVE to try to help.

Anyway this thread was just supposed to have people answer the questions: Would you give it up if you are a person who's SO hates it. And, "If you are a person who's SO uses porn and you don't like it, would you be more sexually available if they gave it up... No one has said yes or no to either.

PLEASE continue to raise topics that you find important. I think that your point is a very, very good one. Those who have been burned tend to stay far away from fire, and your story probably hits home with more women or men than you know. Many people read here and never post, so it is important to bring these things up.

You are NOT a 'Debbie Downer' - you are a realist who is giving her experience and advice and looking for discussions, nothing wrong with that. We need to highlight that there is a difference between 'normal' and 'addictive' behavior when it comes to adult cinema. There are people who have issues, there are people who become unhealthily attached. It is a real issue and it is hurtful and important to highlight.

As for your original question: if my husband had issues with porn, would I stop watching for him? If he REALLY had an issue with it? Probably, if I thought it was damaging our relationship. Luckily, we both have a healthy view about porn, so I don't have to choose, but I would never choose porn over my man. I am confident that he would say the same about me.

[jhard]

Sun, to answer your question, yes, I would gladly give up any 'bad habit' if my wife asked, all the more so if it meant 'sex favours'. She has never asked me to give anything up, but lately on my own I have just stopped looking at porn and all but quit drinking. There have been times when I thought I was addicted to both, I am thankful that I'm not.

Just chillin',

j