Members SensualWoman Posted September 8, 2008 Members Report Share Posted September 8, 2008 Ok, so here's the low down: my fiance` wants to try anal really bad, it's been something that has turned him on ever since we got together. However, I have a complete disinterest in the activity. It's not something where I'm just like, "no, because I don't feel like it." or of that sort of course! I was sexually abused in that manner when I was a child, and I have always had bowel problems to begin with. I guess my question is: what do I do?? I have said that I would try it sometime when I felt I was ready, but I don't think I'll ever want to, in fact I know I won't. We are always talking things out, and I have told him that I don't like being pressured into it. However, he is always talking about it, at least once a day about how he wants to do me anally. I have no problem with him wanting that, just that it's just making me feel pressured into it, by making me feel bad that it's something he wants but I don't want. Is there a good way to explain it to him?? I have already asked him to stop but he hasn't... thanks!~Sensual Woman~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jhard Posted September 8, 2008 Members Report Share Posted September 8, 2008 Ok, so here's the low down: my fiance` wants to try anal really bad, it's been something that has turned him on ever since we got together. However, I have a complete disinterest in the activity. It's not something where I'm just like, "no, because I don't feel like it." or of that sort of course! I was sexually abused in that manner when I was a child, and I have always had bowel problems to begin with. I guess my question is: what do I do?? I have said that I would try it sometime when I felt I was ready, but I don't think I'll ever want to, in fact I know I won't. We are always talking things out, and I have told him that I don't like being pressured into it. However, he is always talking about it, at least once a day about how he wants to do me anally. I have no problem with him wanting that, just that it's just making me feel pressured into it, by making me feel bad that it's something he wants but I don't want. Is there a good way to explain it to him?? I have already asked him to stop but he hasn't... thanks!~Sensual Woman~I know where you are coming from, both of you. If this is as serious as I sense it is, then I would say postpone the wedding. jhard Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members spanky Posted September 9, 2008 Members Report Share Posted September 9, 2008 No one should ever be pressured into doing something they do not feelcomfortable doing. Especialy since you have had problems in the past. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Amylynn920 Posted September 9, 2008 Members Report Share Posted September 9, 2008 I'd get a new man that understood no meant no. It's not right to pressure anyone. He needs to move on with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sun_flower969 Posted September 9, 2008 Members Report Share Posted September 9, 2008 Ok, so here's the low down: my fiance` wants to try anal really bad, it's been something that has turned him on ever since we got together. However, I have a complete disinterest in the activity. It's not something where I'm just like, "no, because I don't feel like it." or of that sort of course! I was sexually abused in that manner when I was a child, and I have always had bowel problems to begin with. I guess my question is: what do I do?? I have said that I would try it sometime when I felt I was ready, but I don't think I'll ever want to, in fact I know I won't. We are always talking things out, and I have told him that I don't like being pressured into it. However, he is always talking about it, at least once a day about how he wants to do me anally. I have no problem with him wanting that, just that it's just making me feel pressured into it, by making me feel bad that it's something he wants but I don't want. Is there a good way to explain it to him?? I have already asked him to stop but he hasn't... thanks!~Sensual Woman~Does he know about the abuse? The situation does sound upsetting to me but I am not you and I don't want to judge your relationship based on 1 thing. Has he ever done this with anyone else or is it something he has never tried and is curious. I think you should tell him, specifically without leaving anything out and in no uncertain terms why you don't want to. If he loves you and cares for you IMO he should understand. Unless there are some underlying issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyger Posted September 9, 2008 Report Share Posted September 9, 2008 Hey there.I want to start by saying that I am soo sorry that you were abused in such a manner (or any manner). Does your husband KNOW about the abuse? IF he DOES know about the abuse, then he needs to stop asking about it. It's insensitive, uncaring, and disrespectful! And you need to tell him that, and stand by it. You should tell him that it bothers you. Fantasies are one thing, however, he isn't trying to be thoughtful about it, he's being a childish ass about it. If he knows, and keeps bringing it up, then he's also being UBER selfish! Who needs that???If he DOES NOT know about the abuse, then you NEED to tell him ASAP. Explain to him WHY you feel how you feel, and that you just aren't willing to do it.Either way, if you don't want to do it, then you have that RIGHT to say NO. In most cases, I would say that you should at least TRY stuff to please a lover (so long as it doesn't hurt you, morally repugnant to you, or illegal), however, not in this one, with the history you have. There are lines that people can & cannot cross for whatever reason.If he knows about your feelings, and keeps bringing it up, then, I hafta agree with the other posters: he's an insensitive ass and you deserve better and kick him the curb. This may sound harsh, however, his behavior doesn't show that he respects you at all (if he knows). Do you REALLY want a marriage like that? Do you want to go thru life feeling guilty or manipulated into not doing stuff you just DON'T want to do? Think about it. Best Wishes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mikayla1 Posted September 9, 2008 Members Report Share Posted September 9, 2008 I echo the sentiments of my fellow posters. If he knows, and is still pressuring you, there is a problem with him continuing to ask you about this. IF he doesn't, you need to tell him. He should never, ever force you to do something you do not want.Now, on a completely different note: I realize that the abuse had to be awful, terrible and unspeakable. I am very, very sorry that it happened to you. I too was raped and sodomized -yet I was an adult at the time, I get the impression that you were a child. I know for me it was a long road, but I eventually got to the point where I wouldn't allow that horrible experience to dampen my sex life. The man who did this to me took enough from me that I wasn't gonna let him take away my future sexual happiness. I think it is important for suvivors of sexual abuse to know that they CAN have healthy and fullfilling sex lives again - and this does include anal sex.Now, I would never, ever suggest that you do something you do not want to do, I simply say this so that you can at least consider it as a possibility to bring pleasure to your life and regain some of the control that person took from you.As for your boyfriend, tread carefully with a man who won't take 'no' for an answer....... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted September 9, 2008 Members Report Share Posted September 9, 2008 This man seems very fixated on violating you in a way that he knows hurt you deeply. Dump his ass! One has to admire Mikayla's stance on this but not everyone can do this. I'm not saying that you can't eventually do the same, only that you haven't felt this way yet. Of all the people you allow into your life this man should stand WITH you and respect your feelings! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SensualWoman Posted September 9, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted September 9, 2008 Thank you everyone for your opinions! I have to agree with you mckayla, I have always thought that I would still have a good sex life, and even told my bf that I wanted to try anal because he wanted to and I will try anything at least once. But after trying too get me more comfortable with it, I realized it wasn't for me. I talked to him last night and reminded him that I had asked him to stop and said that he understood and that he would stop. He has always stopped doing things I didn't like and has said that if it's too much for me to tell him to stop and he would. I just needed some balls to talk to him seriously about it. For some reason, I have always told him when I didn't like something. And he does know what happened, but had the same thoughts as mckayla, to try it in case I would like it anyway. And I thought the same. He is most deffinately NOT an asshole or anything, and we were both very virgin when we got together, so it's not something he's tried. So yeah. Thank you everyone! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members thurisas Posted September 10, 2008 Members Report Share Posted September 10, 2008 My only comment to this is that you had left it on the table for him as a possibility. He took it way too far in his frequency of asking to be sure, but you need to let him know in no uncertain terms that anal is out for you as some others have suggested.Randy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members froggystyle1977 Posted September 13, 2008 Members Report Share Posted September 13, 2008 OK as a survivor or sexual abuse as a child, I will tell you that not telling him your reasons for things is not a way to start a marriage!! Also from experience not telling and having it found out another way can cause a big breakup before you walk down that aisle be compltely honest and forthright with your partner tell him the truth, even if this is hard for you its what needs to be done before you spend your life with him. GOOD luck!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.