Family

[mailahn97]

I will give you a little background. I had a rough childhood. My brother and I due to this were very close like best friends. We did everything together. In fact when I got married he was at my bachelorette party. If I could have gotten him to wear a dress he would have been my maid of honor....lol. This was in 1997. We were still close for quite a bit of years. He did not like my ex but stood by me through it all and supported me. In 2001 he started seeing his now wife. In 2002 I was due to have my daughter and they found out they were pregnant about 2 months before that. I was so happy as the kids would be close in age. His girlfriend was in the delivery room with me when I had my daughter as we had become very close as well. I had a very high risk pregnancy and she is a nurse so she helped me so much. Unfortunately not soon after they had a miscarriage, but they did get pregnant again about 2 months later. So my daughter was born 12/18/02 and my nephew was born 12/1/03. I thought it was great so close in age. Well they got married 9/6/03. That is when things slowly started to change. She started completely running his life.

He slowly started pulling away and it was all about her and her family. She didn't like my ex either, but I was fine with that. I made plans to see them without him. My brother is my daughter's godfather. I am his son's godmother. Well the last time I have seen them is 6/12/04. My parents retired in 1/04 and moved 5 hours away so when they came down to visit they stayed at my brothers. We didn't really have the room and it was better due to the asshole in my house. SO in 2004 I went from my parents living 10 minutes away and being very close to my brother to my parents being 5 hours away and my brother not around. I was hurting very bad during that time.

Well we started seeing things weren't right. They never seemed to have time so the kids could get together. Mind you he lives 10 minutes from me. He stopped returning calls or emails. I was heartbroken and cried a lot. Then I went through an anger phase. I started to bury it. It is hard as we dont' have much in the way of family. They are each others only cousins.

I had found out a few months ago he is having a house built and is moving to Florida from NJ. I have been debating trying to catch up with him before he goes as who knows when I will get the chance again. It has been bothering me a lot the last few weeks and causing a lot of emotions as I miss them very much. My daughter sees pictures and asks me who they are and I tell her so then it is when will I see them and I can't answer that. It breaks my heart.

Well today I saw he has a myspace page that he created recently. I sent him a long email on it telling him what has been going on with me in the last 10 months or so and how I would really like to see him before they move as I miss him like crazy. I was crying typing it. Don't get me wrong I have great friends here that would never judge me. He is the one of the only people IRL except for my SO that I know will never judge me no matter what I say. I miss that. I knew that no matter what was going on I could always pick up the phone and call him. We have gotten each other out of so many things. When my father went through some bad years we were there for each other and protected each other. I love him and miss him so much. I am crying typing this.

Sorry I just needed to get this off of my chest. Thank you.

[ohshelly]

I am so sorry, sweetheart. A big (((HUG))) for you.

[mailahn97]

It's very hard when someone we care deeply about does this; it is called 'emotional cut-off'. Your are correct, you are mourning the loss of your brother. When two close people enter into other relationships, and those relationships become increasingly important, it can feel like the person important to you is being 'stolen away' or 'kept away' from you. (Otherwise known as the "Yoko" effect).

All you can do is to reach out and offer yourself, but do this form the very best place in you; don't become hostile about your pain, or that the other important person in their life is 'keeping them from you'. If you do this, you risk an even more negative response.

And how many times do you reach out when you are being rejected? 70X70 times.

I reached out a few times when it first happened. I kept myself in denial thinking that he would come around. I still at least remember my nephew on holidays and birthdays. I send him a gift card for them and I know he gets them and uses them as I check. I don't think the child deserves to suffer. Even thought he was only 6 months old the last time I saw him so he doesn't know me from adam. Reaching out to them I haven't done probably in about 2 years, but when I heard they were moving it just brought all of my emotions right back up to the surface. I sit and think once they move it will be even harder to reach out and that I needed to try again....even though I had several people tell me I was an idiot for trying among other things. I have been burying it big time the last few weeks and not telling anyone what was going on. I did my own little crying sessions and then would feel better. I am trying to deal with it on my own, but am realizing I can't. So I thought in typing this out in a way it would help me by getting it off of my chest in a sense.

[mystofpric]

Babe~

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I know the whole bit about people change and blah blah blah but it sucks when it's family, I'm teh middle of 5 and I don't talk to any of my siblings because when I do call they have nothing to say so I don't call any more. And they make no effort to contact me ever. I'm younger and I have been dealing with this about teh same length of time you ahve and I'm sorry, from teh bottom of my heart, that your brother would just walk away like that. I'm sure he has reasons but you deserve better.

[mailahn97]

Babe~

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I know the whole bit about people change and blah blah blah but it sucks when it's family, I'm teh middle of 5 and I don't talk to any of my siblings because when I do call they have nothing to say so I don't call any more. And they make no effort to contact me ever. I'm younger and I have been dealing with this about teh same length of time you ahve and I'm sorry, from teh bottom of my heart, that your brother would just walk away like that. I'm sure he has reasons but you deserve better.

The reason is his wife. She runs the house. She did this with her ex husband and now is with him. She is moving her brother and mother into the house with them that they are having built. We used to sit on the phone for hours and always have things to talk about. When everything started he would call me when she was at work or come to my house when she was at work. That is how I knew it was all her. She will get hers that is for sure.

[Tyger]

It's very hard when someone we care deeply about does this; it is called 'emotional cut-off'. Your are correct, you are mourning the loss of your brother. When two close people enter into other relationships, and those relationships become increasingly important, it can feel like the person important to you is being 'stolen away' or 'kept away' from you. (Otherwise known as the "Yoko" effect).

All you can do is to reach out and offer yourself, but do this form the very best place in you; don't become hostile about your pain, or that the other important person in their life is 'keeping them from you'. If you do this, you risk an even more negative response.

And how many times do you reach out when you are being rejected? 70X70 times.

I agree with iha. All you can do is reach out, offer your love and support to him. You've e-mailed him letting him know how you feel. So, if he does get together with you, though I'm not really seeing that happen unfortunately, then don't harp on it. Just enjoy the time together.

It's unfortunate that some women, such as his wife, are so insecure in their marriages/relationships, that they feel that need to control their lover/spouse/SO. But, that's what it is, insecurity. Yes, she may be the CAUSE of his abandoning you, however, he is an individual, and he could stand up for himself and let her know that you are his sister, you're close and tough shit if she doesn't like it. So, he is just as much to blame for not being around, if not more.

I wish you the best in whatever you decide to try.

[sass]

So sorry you are having to go throught this hon. But I agree with Tyger - he is a grown man and should be able to stand-up to an insecure wife. There are times when families become estranged for legit reasons, but I don't see that being the case here, so hopefully he will come to his senses. But, that may not happen, so be careful with how high you allow your hopes to get. Good luck and you know I wish you the best!

[mailahn97]

I am thinking that I got my answer. He read the myspace message but did not reply. I saw him on and checked and it was read and he was on for at least an hour after so it isn't that he didn't have time to do it. I just need to come to acceptance of this and that is gonna take me some time. It just hurts a lot that I have to come to reality of this. In a way I guess I was always hoping this would change and we could get the relationship back. I was hoping with everything that I am going through that I would have him in my corner, but I see that won't happen. He has always been great with advice and just listening to me when I vent. Don't get me wrong I have some terrific friends and SO in my corner, but I miss my brother terribly.

In the message I told him everything that is going on with me. Everything that has happened in the last two years. Where my life stands as far as my ex and about my SO. He always accepted me no matter what it was so I had no problem telling him everything. I would think that he would be happy that asshole is getting out of my life as I know he despised him. There was a point about 4 years ago when I had to jump in the middle as my brother was about to beat the shit out of my ex and the only reason I stopped it as I didn't want my brother to get in trouble with the law.

Sorry guys if I am not in the best of moods for a bit. I thought I buried all of this and accepted it. I am thinking I must have just pushed it aside and ignored it. Right now all I want to do is cry as I miss my brother and my nephew so much. Such is life. I know with each day it will get easier, but right now I just feel like my heart has been stepped on and ground into the cement.

[vanilla_bean]

I was an idiot for trying among other things. I have been burying it big time the last few weeks and not telling anyone what was going on. I did my own little crying sessions and then would feel better. I am trying to deal with it on my own, but am realizing I can't. So I thought in typing this out in a way it would help me by getting it off of my chest in a sense.

No way are you an idiot for trying to reach out. It shows that you have an open heart. Sorry that you're going through this. *hugs*

[pappyld04]

Just remember what iha said. 70x70. He didn't respond to your email so pick up the phone and call him. When/if he doesn't answer hit redial. There is no immediate fix for these things but someone has to try if it is ever going to be fixed. If he has an answering machine just leave him a simple message of "I love/miss you ", bombard his eaddy with the same. He has allowed her to run his world and he has to man up to stop it.

[ToyQueen]

Sweetie, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You know I'm always here for you. It will get easier---someday. In the meantime, talk to us.

[mailahn97]

Thank you all. I have called his cell and left a message who knows where it will go. You all have been great. Thank you.

[pappyld04]

Now call and do it again. Eventually he will have to do something differently!

[mailahn97]

Now call and do it again. Eventually he will have to do something differently!

Thanks but I am just afraid of doing that with hounding him so to say. My luck he would try to call it harassmend and I dont' need that. I would love to have them in my life but it isn't worth it at that expense. I love them so much but oh well. I have to heal and move on I guess. It will take time but I will get there.

[angelkisses98]

(((((((((((ss)))))))))))))) im sorry you have to go through this...you know?? we need a night out!! you think olies can handle us again??

[mailahn97]

(((((((((((ss)))))))))))))) im sorry you have to go through this...you know?? we need a night out!! you think olies can handle us again??

I agree we all need to go to dinner again. I will have to talk to him and see when we can do it. That sounds liek a plan.

[makasha1]

SS So sorry you have to go through this kind of pain. All that I can say is don't give up. Continue to send Emails or

voice mails from time to time and let him know that you miss him and are there if he wants to talk.

If you give up on your end you may regret it big time some day.

[sass]

Big hugs and sloppy kisses sweetie.

[mailahn97]

SS So sorry you have to go through this kind of pain. All that I can say is don't give up. Continue to send Emails or

voice mails from time to time and let him know that you miss him and are there if he wants to talk.

If you give up on your end you may regret it big time some day.

I agree about not wanting to give up, but it gets hard to keep getting ignored like that. You can only take so much.

[ladylove]

I agree about not wanting to give up, but it gets hard to keep getting ignored like that. You can only take so much.

I'm so sorry you have been hurt so badly. The only thing I would like to add is: you really don't know what's going on, on the other side of that door. You brother is married and that has to be his first priority no matter what. It's not right, it's not an excuse, it's just the way he sees it has to be. It's such a shame. Hugs to you! It's not much, I just hope it helps you to know there are people who care.

[mailahn97]

I'm so sorry you have been hurt so badly. The only thing I would like to add is: you really don't know what's going on, on the other side of that door. You brother is married and that has to be his first priority no matter what. It's not right, it's not an excuse, it's just the way he sees it has to be. It's such a shame. Hugs to you! It's not much, I just hope it helps you to know there are people who care.

Actually I know quite a bit of what is on the other side. My grandmother is in a nursing home and I go see her every week. My brother though has always been her special one. He is the only grandson out of 4 grandchildren. So when we were all growing up he could do no wrong and she spoiled him rotten. Well anyway when I go to visit her she is always saying I wish you all would forgive your brother and you could all be a family again. I normally just let her talk and I just move on. Well lately I have said to her move on from what. I was like he shut us out. I have made MANY attempts at trying to reach out to him and he never answers them. When his wife comes to visit my grandmother she is always nasty to her like she is taking too much of my brothers time when he comes to visit and such. When they went to Disney a few years ago they took his wife's grandparents when he asked about taking my grandmother. She told him and I heard this from him....we don't have time to deal with her. You have my grandparents....you don't need her in your life.

Yet every time I go she asks me why I don't reach out and I keep saying I do, but my brother will never admit to her that I have. He just keeps portraying the victim to my grandmother. Yes it hurts a lot, but I will bury it until the pain starts to subside.

I understand that his marriage has to be his first priority, but please she is running the show. He has time to go golfing with friends, drinking, guys weekends away and such. I know this as I am good friends with a neighbor of theirs. I was friends with them even before they moved on my brothers street. My friends husband goes away with my brother and hangs out with him. So it has nothing to do with no time and such. It has to do with he is not man enough to stand up to her and say he wants his family in his life.

I do know there are people that care and everyone has bene great and listening to me rant. This is helping me a lot. I don't talk to my parents about it, because I don't want them feeling worse then they do. It is hard enough because my mom has a grandson that she hasn't seen in 4 years. She got close to him and then he was ripped away. I think that is who I am trying to do this for the most. My mom has done so much for me I want to get things back for her.

[pappyld04]

Yes it hurts a lot, but I will bury it until the pain starts to subside.

SS, I hope you understand that this will not work in the way that you think. Burying it will only make it build. And the pain will not subside!

[mailahn97]

Well to update all of you. I finally got together with my brother. It did not go well. We had a screaming match and my SIL was pushing my buttons to the point I wanted to just deck her, but I took the high road. I have realized at this point I do not have a brother or nephew unfortunately. I have had the worst couple of days. I am finally starting to work my way out of it. I went through depression and denial yesterday from all of this. I cried, screamed and ignored myself which was very detrimental to me....that won't happen. Mine and my daughter's happiness are 1 priority. That will nto be sacrificed.

I am realizing with the the strength, love and support of some great people in my life that l get through this. They pushed me to talk and work through it instead of hiding. Yes I know that I did not make it easy at all. I more grateful then they will ever know. I love them to death and would do anything for them.

I am strong and am turning a page and starting to move on from the bullshit. Yes it will be difficult, but it will only make me stronger for the next battle that may come along.

[ladylove]

I'm really sorry you have so much pain, but it sounds like you have a healthy attitude for you and your girls. Keep moving forward.

[sass]

Yes I know that I did not make it easy at all. .....

You ... difficult? Noooo!

You are strong and you have friends you can lean on when you need to. What doesn't kill ... blaa, blaa, blaa!

Good luck hon!