It Was An Accident!

[mystofpric]

Okay so as some of you know Mom and I have been "fighting" for a couple of weeks. BAsicly I told her that I was sick of her not caring about anything I do or that happens to me unless it give her something to brag about. I'm sick of hearing about how my little sister is doing, because ya know what? She's in her situtation because she put herself there. Likewise, I am responible for my own place in the world.

SO she's been refusing to talk to me for anything. Well that changed last night when she accused me off walking off with her $.15 pad of paper and pen. Guess what, it was right down stairs when I said it was. Shocker I know. Did she apologize? No. In fact I eve started dinner last night, i set the timer on my watch for 1/2 an hour (took the chicken an hour to cook) so that I knew when to start the sides. I come down stairs 1/2 an hour into the chicken cooking to get a lecture on how she almost made baked potatoes because I didn't tell her (she wasn't home when I started dinner) that I was roasting potatoes too.

I come home for lunch everyday to put her dogs out, normally, infact everyday I throw something into the mircowave for lunch and eat then run back to work. Well last night I had made enough for leftovers, she threw them out. So I had to make a grilled cheese. Apprently I forgot to turn off the burn and burned teh hedes out of teh skillet. Holy shit. I seriously had thought I turned it off, I wasn;t even rushing today! Well I had to work OT today, and i got home late, the SECOND i came in the door she lets me have it. 15 minutes about how I almost burned down the house. Fine, I get that, i apologized profusely and told her I'd buy a new skillet. The lecture continues abouthow i'm always rushing and they find the cat up locked up stairs and scratching at the door. Ya know what? I'm not chasing the damn cat when I only have 1/2 an hour for lunch! I get that I messed up, but don't use this as a chance to belittle and degrade me because your a sadistic bitch. I went from extremely apologetic and remorseful to wishing death. IN fact she told me that I almost killed her dogs with smoke inhalation because I don't leave my door open to teh upstairs.

Why do I not leave this door open you ask? Well let me tell you what happened monday when I did. I came home on lunch to find a stuffed animal that was made with Alpaca fur (AMAZINGLY soft.) then I come upstairs to survey the damage and her evil dogs got into my closet and ATE my FAVORITE BOOTS!!! If I say anything, it's my fault for leaving teh door open, it's my fault the dogs could die because I shut the door.

Here's teh solution: They're gonna shit on the floor cause I'm not coming home, spending my gas, using my lunch break to take care of HER dogs.

[Tyger]

Yes, you made a BIG boo-boo with the skillet, and could've done a lot of damage. You know that. So, she's made her point, and chances are, that was a one-time mistake.

However, her belittling you is ridiculous. Though, it seems as though you DID make your point those few days cuz you told her that you didn't want to hear her complain or comment on how good your sister has it, or whatever, or harp on the stuff that irritates you, cuz she didn't talk at all. Your little mistake has knocked you back down to "child" in her eyes. So, you've got some "make up" assertive ladder climbing to do again.

I've had to get really bitchy with my mom, and I'm 35!!! I don't know if she does or not, but if your mom continually harps on the same stuff, she may have a form of OCD. Some OCD sufferers "obsess" about certain things. It's not all about the little rituals. My mother's OCD affliction is mostly my Dad (who's been dead almost 10 yrs now), and personaly hygeine, mostly antibacterial stuff. However, I have literally, after several attempts at being polite about it, told her to shut the fuck up about my father, and that if she continued she's no longer welcome in my house. If told her to shut up, clam it, close it, and to stop it now. I can get a deadly quiet, yet serious tone in my voice (which she graced me with), and she is getting the point. But it's taken me growing some balls when it comes to her as my MOTHER, and about 20 yrs.

Now, you don't have that particular option (telling her to get out), however, you can stick to your guns, and when she starts in on your sister being so perfect, you not being perfect, or whatever, you can just WALK OUT. If she tries to follow you, shut your door in her face, turn up your radio just enough so she knows you are deliberately not going to listen to her. Maybe that will help.

Best wishes!!

[mystofpric]

HI El Tygre, Welcome back!

Mom does have a form of OCD, we all know this but she refuses to admit it. It used to be bad, like Mommy Dearest coat hanger bad. She's gotten better but now it's the harping. If it's not me, it's her boyfriend. The woman, I'm convinced is evil. I was walking away from her when she started in on how she was suprised the dogs weren't dead. While I can't say that I wish they were, but it is BECAUSE of them that I come home at lunch, so rather than thanking me she goes off.

In her eyes I've never grown up, i'm teh screw up middle child that always took the blame for everything. Well News Flash: this is not true.

[mystofpric]

So i just overheard, and yes when I heard my name I stopped to listen, mom tell my older sister that she wants me to move out. Well guess what. As I am a spiteful bitch, it ain't happening. Yes, that's right folks I think I may just live here until I die. Think of the savings!

She's keeping tabs on my spending: she's flipped out that I bought a $.55 cup of soup, but i turned off my cell phone. In fact I have been buying my dinners at the convience store I work at because it's discounted. Hmmm....... I have offered several times to pay for the DSL and my phone up here but she told me not to worry about it. In fact when I canceled my cell, I told her to tell me what teh bill was and I would take it over. She told me no. hmmmm

She's keeping tabs on my laundry: I do laundry when she's not here so she told my sister hat I hadn't done laundry in over a month!

She lied about what happened today! Apperently I hadn't COMPLETELY turned off the oven, not left it on full blast just not clicked it off. She told myself that I left it burning since 11:30! I was still at work I didn't leave for lunch until 1:10, and I left here at 1:30. so it burned for about 3 1/2 hours.

She called my part-time job looking for me today(over the stove thing), well she tried any way but she doesn't know which store I work at and I intend to keep it that way. Apperently I'm stupid for not taking the skillet off the burner, like I normally do, but as I THOUGHT i had turned off the burner, it wasn't an issue for me.

[ohshelly]

Sweetpea, you made a mistake and you apologized, there is not much more you can do.

Whatever you say is not going to change her reaction. It is what it is, and I am sorry.

I empathise, I am the screw up child (their opinion) in my family, also.

None of us is perfect, we are human.

You need a big hug (((HUG)))

All of us here love our sweet SuzyP!!

[ladylove]

Suzy,

I know your financially strapped right now, but you need to move out of that house. I sound like a toxic environment for both of you.

To me, your mom sounds like an incredibly unhappy women, who is taking out her frustration and misery on you. It's not about what you do wrong or right, this is probably all about her. You don't need to try so hard, it may never be enough. I am so sorry you r relationship with your mom is what it is. Maybe after you are able to move out it can be repaired but don't hold your breath, some people fall into patterns they refuse to change.

BIG HUG!

[chloegirl]

Aaah Suzy,

I totally see your point of view on this situation but I agree with Ladylove. It's never going to change as long as you are living in her house. Even if you can only afford some tiny little one room apartment you really need to get out of there and out on your own. Even if you have to take on more hours or and extra job or room mate you will be a lot happier. No matter what her hangups are or how unreasonable they seem the fact of the matter is it is her house, her domain, and therefore she does have the right to demand things be done her way regardless of what you contribute. Get your own place where you can make the rules and not have to deal with anyone else's quirks. I promise once you do you and her may just get along a whole lot better and you will definitely be happier..Good luck to you!

[sun_flower969]

I came home on lunch to find a stuffed animal that was made with Alpaca fur (AMAZINGLY soft.) then I come upstairs to survey the damage and her evil dogs got into my closet and ATE my FAVORITE BOOTS!!!

I would fucking kill those dogs! Just kidding... OR AM I!!! Seriously is she going to buy you new boots? Since you are buying her a new skillet??? I know not the point but I am just sayin'.

[ladylove]

I would fucking kill those dogs! Just kidding... OR AM I!!! Seriously is she going to buy you new boots? Since you are buying her a new skillet??? I know not the point but I am just sayin'.

I agree, NO-ONE messes with my shoes!

[cybele]

Suzy, I agree with Ladylove - sounds like a toxic environment. I understand about saving money - so try to fly under the radar until you can get enough to break free. My mother sounds a lot like your mother and there is really no reasoning with them... and if you do, they'll somehow acquire more ammunition. The only solution is to break free.

[mystofpric]

I would fucking kill those dogs! Just kidding... OR AM I!!! Seriously is she going to buy you new boots? Since you are buying her a new skillet??? I know not the point but I am just sayin'.

Nope, the dogs has eaten 10 pairs of shoes and sandals, 2 stuffed animals, a tooth brush, the tie-backs for my curtains, a pillow, my old bed, jeans 30-40 pairs of underwear (yes you read that right) and i just get told it's my fault.

Sadly the earliest it looks like I'm going to be able to move out is next year(yes one FULL YEAR from now) that's with working two jobs, no extra spending, and only paying my old school loans and NONE of my othe rpast bills needed to get into the air guard. why so much? because I live in the boonies. I work in same said boonies and all teh appartments are abouyt 650-700 for a one bedroom. (yeah that's triple what I pay now.) So i really need to save, plus when I moved in here I had to sell off almost all of my furniture because tehy didn't have room to store it, so I have a bed. That's it folks. No tables, no chairs, no desk, no pots or pans either (mom said to get rid of them cause her's were better, i couldn't store them because it was either my pots and pans or my books. Somehow pots and pans seems easier).

So here's teh plan to make it work. A) I am replacing the door at the bottom of my stairs, which was promised to have been done by now but wasn't. I am buying a friends mini fridge and electric burners for $50 so that I don't need to use their kitchen and I am basicly turning my little upstairs into an effiencey so I NEVER have to see her until I'm moving my stuff outta here. Sure a door is expensive but in the long run it's only pushing back my getting out of here by a week or two, no bigs.

[square]

Agree with the others, you need to move out as soon as you can. Forget your spite; it's not gonna do your mental health any good, or change your mom.

I don't have any insight on the whole mother-daughter dynamic, but it seems to me any time you put two people under the same roof, they're eventually gonna end up on each other's nerves to one degree or another. I've had my own roommates of one flavor or another for 23 years (I'm including the wife and kids and a couple of in-laws in there). I've seen best buds move in together, who would end up hating each other's guts for life after a couple of years as roommates. I regularly hear friends/co-workers gripe about their spouses (or roommates back when we were all single), about a lot of the same sorts of things that you describe between your mom and yourself. It seems close to universal. Of course when you're married, you've both got more of an interest in keeping the peace than when living roommates or parents. From a reader (signed-in as "dup") comment to a USATODAY article (www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-09-03-marriage-later-years_N.htm):

" . . . marriage is very hard work. You bite your tongue, you swallow your pride, you accept things that you never thought you would. . . . "

What you have to do to keep your marriage intact, you're gonna be a lot less willing to do to keep peace with a roommate, parent or otherwise. Not that every roomie is the roommate from hell, but I think some level of strife is the norm.

My sister moved home after college and had trouble finding a decent job. I don't remember any big friction with my parents, but they still wanted her to move out. Same thing with me. And as soon as I did move out, they threw out my bed. I went from a cushy bed in a furnished room to sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag in a barren room, a suitcase, an alarm clock, and an old wood chair as my only furniture.

[mystofpric]

My sister moved home after college and had trouble finding a decent job. I don't remember any big friction with my parents, but they still wanted her to move out. Same thing with me. And as soon as I did move out, they threw out my bed. I went from a cushy bed in a furnished room to sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag in a barren room, a suitcase, an alarm clock, and an old wood chair as my only furniture.

This is exactly what I'm afraid of happening, not only that I'm worried if I move out too soon I'm not going to be finacially sound. As much as I'd like to say it's to spite her, it's really just because I can't safely afford to move out. If I wait a year, I won't have to worry about not being able to come up with rent or electric or anything like that plus I'll be able to afford, while not expesive furniture, but a dresser, a couch, a TV (i currently own none of these, I have a bed and a scale. LOL) ya know? I lived like that before and I got extremely depressed because I didn't like having anyone come over and I felt very ashamed of my apartment. I know that I need to be secure enough to not have to stress (too much, everyone does) about my living arrangements and money, ya know? as much as I need out of here, i know i need to protect myself from depression too.

[littlemissnonamegirl]

Wow, everyone has given you such good advice and ideas.

I guess all I want to say is hang in there and hopefully when the time comes for you to move out you can give your mom one last present, a big ol' middle finger. It's tough with the economy and expenses today?!?! fucking crazy. I was living in my own place in the city, and going to school full time. I decided to come home to finish school. I'm going to move out when I'm done with my studies. It's a lot. Students are poor! I can't believe how much more i would have had to pay in addition to tuition and everything else. it really adds up.

Bah, where was I going with this, oh right. Yes. I say in a way getting that door would set you back, but be an investment to your sanity and HEALTH. Although you live with her, it doesn't mean you have to see her or deal with her bs.

get that door, crank up the tunes, have a party upstairs. Bottom line, I'm sorry she's been such a... you know. You definitely don't deserve that at all, and karma's a bitch and it's coming. she'll get what's coming to her.

HUGS.

<3

[ohshelly]

Honey, I know what battling depression is like, but do you think there is another soulution for you other then living there?

They seem to enjoy antagonizing you, in a weird sort of way.

Give it some thought, alright? We love ya and want you to be happy. ((HUG))

[square]

My folks told me this the other day, and it reminded me of this thread: they had gone off on a weekend overnight trip, and came home to find their tea pot simmering away on the stove, except the water was gone and the top plastic parts (handle and lid) had melted.

My wife has been leaving the stove "burners" (electirc) on lately. I'm not crazy about it, but so far the house is still standing.

[mystofpric]

My folks told me this the other day, and it reminded me of this thread: they had gone off on a weekend overnight trip, and came home to find their tea pot simmering away on the stove, except the water was gone and the top plastic parts (handle and lid) had melted.

My wife has been leaving the stove "burners" (electirc) on lately. I'm not crazy about it, but so far the house is still standing.

Unfortunately it happens. And as long as there si nothing on teh burner 90% of the time your gonna be fine. It's also, I'd think, not a burnt pan that starts the fires but like a towel that was left too close or something like that.

A WHOLE weekend trip? Damn! I'd have been FREAKING out!