Need Some Advice, Sex Life Is Boring

[wogomon1]

Ok, first of all, what a great site. Finally an educational site that can actually help people with relationships and sexual issues.

Second, my wife and I are 29. We have been together for 8 years and been married 4. We don't have any kids but we will probably within the next 12 months, god willing. Our sex life is incredibly stale. We have sex 4-5 times per month and if you were to watch it on film, it would be like watching reruns. It's the same exact thing time and time again. When it comes to trying things new, my wife is resistant and not interested. She always says something like "let's just get the normal stuff down first". Since we both end up with end results we want, I would say that we have that part down pretty good.

My wife has no kinks, fetishes, fatnasies, etc..., at least that shes willing to share. Its almost as if in her mind she has what is considered sexually morally correct and acceptable and what is not. She won't do anything or admit to anything that she would be embarassed to tell her friends about. Not that she would, but it seems as if she wanted to, she could get their seal of approval. With me, I am completely the opposite. I think the most erotic aspect of fetishes and kinks, is that you get to share them only with your lover. I get thoroughly arroused by the thought of doing things in the bedroom that I would be ashamed about if other people knew. It's a "secret" that only we share. When it comes to me, with the exception of being with another man, I will do/try/attempt/participate in anything.

I belive that my wifes closed mindednest comes from some of the good qualities that she has. They are good qualities almost to a detriment. For example, my wife can not lie. She's the female version of Jim Carey in "Liar, Liar" If some asked her, "have you ever made your husband wear your panties out in public", she would have to say yes, and this would generate humiliation for her, so therefore she won't do it. I think a lot of her lack of willingness to try new things also stems from her upbringing. She was raised in a very conservative Catholic family. Attended catholic schools all the way till high school. Her family never showed each other emotion, never told each other that they loved them, never ever ever talked about sex. In fact, my mother-in-law tried to sit down with my wife when she was 23 to have "the talk". Sorry mom, but a little late.

My wife isn't a total prude though. She has more toys and dildo's than a normal woman should have, although she doesn't use them nearly enough. we have done some things that have bordered on the line of kinky but not in a long long time. She'll watch porn anytime I suggest it.

My question to the group is how do I get her to open her mind a bit or create an environment in our relationship where we would feel more comfortable to get outside her comfort zone to try new things? Things I would love to try would be light to medium bondage and submission (yes , I allready read the article, that's how I found this site), have my wife tell me to wear her panties out to dinner, video taping and pictures, etc. I am not asker her to screw the dog here.

A females perspective would be greatly appreciated as I have found that many women have been through similar experiences in the past.

Thanks for all your imput and advice in advance.

[vanilla_bean]

Good for you for starting to work on this issue in your marriage. I anticipate that you will get some really good advice here. Once you add kids to the mix it can get even more difficult with exhaustion, body image issues, etc. so your timing is great.

I advise you to start your conversation outside of the bedroom. Without accusing, tell your wife how this feels for you. Your point about having something that only the two of you share is spot on. It adds another level of intimacy. This also needs to be FUN! For both of you. Tell her something that you would like to try and let her mull it over for awhile. If it adds laughing, smiling, fun, excitement, knowing glances between the two of you.....I believe she will be hooked.

Talking about sex can be so difficult, but it gets easier. Good luck! let us know about your progress.

[wogomon1]

Whenever we talk about sex, it seems to always turn into an argument or blame game. She gets defensive, I get mad that she's getting defensive. I am sure most of you have been there before.

[angelkisses98]

Whenever we talk about sex, it seems to always turn into an argument or blame game. She gets defensive, I get mad that she's getting defensive. I am sure most of you have been there before.

do you talk about sex in the bedroom or out of the bedroom??

[mystofpric]

Whenever we talk about sex, it seems to always turn into an argument or blame game. She gets defensive, I get mad that she's getting defensive. I am sure most of you have been there before.

It sounds like she feels she is being attacked. Just likie you men like knowing your hot shit in bed, so do we women. Have you tried to bring it up as a "Remember when we ____, man, I'd love to do that again!" Or what about watchinga chick flick with her, and when the sex scene comes bring up how you'd liek to share that with her? Never underestimate teh power of teh chick flick. Also bondage could be as simple as holding her hands above her head. Have you read Mikayla's artice about beginning bondage? http://www.tootimid.com/index.php/articles...ide-to-bondage/ And is it a lack of positions or just not tie her up, or dressing up or any of the less vanilla things? Also do you use her toys with her? Do you go down on her? think of ways to make things fun and new for her, and this will hopefully make her more willing to try new thinsg for you.

Always make any talk about sex and ways to improve sex positive, and if she gets defensive just say okay, that you didnt want to upset her and change the subject. If she is as conservative as you say then it makes sense that she's defensive.

[ladylove]

OK....I had a very conservative background also. It took me a whole lot longer than 5 yrs of marriage to start experimenting. You may be in for a verrrrrrry long wait.

1. One thing I can suggest is to purchase some instructional videos. Sometimes, seeing what is involved is less inhibiting; and I'm sure no-one will ask her if she's been tied up lately.

2. Another, on your own buy a sleep mask to cover her eyes (you can find it at bed bath and beyond). One night before you start fore-play tell her to close her eyes (make sure she in the mood), slip the eye mask on her, if she bulks ask her if she trusts you (hopefully yes) then make a very long and involved dinner out of her body. All of her, places you may not have thought of before, but not so much that you'll scare her. A glass of wine before hand might be helpful too.

3. I always found being out of my own home, a romantic overnight/weekend somewhere made me more open.

You may be in for a long wait, but don't give up. Continue to bring things up gently, something is bound to stick eventually that will permanently unlock the door you seek to open. After you have unlocked the door, if you try to throw it open, it may get slammed shut: open it very, very slowly.

Good luck! and God Bless.

[pappyld04]

How does she feel about herself? Her self-esteem may be another hurdle to overcome also.

[sun_flower969]

How does she feel about herself? Her self-esteem may be another hurdle to overcome also.

BINGO! Plus hangups are so hard to get over! Not impossible but hard none the less...

[ladylove]

BINGO! Plus hangups are so hard to get over! Not impossible but hard none the less...

Just to let you know.....

I never had a self esteem issue. My reserve was all about the way I was brought up. Sexually Repressed. All I ever herd was Good Girls Don't....... and Thats not expectable behavior, and The Nice Boys don't like it if........ ON AND ON AND ON IT WENT. So sometimes it's not about how we feel about ourselves, sometimes it's just so deeply ingrained into our heads not to except certain ideas as "normal" because they're bad, or weird, or my personal favorite-deviant, or for the morally bankrupt. It could be either situation or both.

[thunderchild]

BINGO! Plus hangups are so hard to get over! Not impossible but hard none the less...

This is so true!!! I have had a baby and am over weight, I have really bad stretch marks. Hubby does not care but I do. I am not always worried but some times I just want to cover up!

[ladylove]

This is so true!!! I have had a baby and am over weight, I have really bad stretch marks. Hubby does not care but I do. I am not always worried but some times I just want to cover up!

Oh honey, stop thinking. You and your husband just gave each other the most beautiful gift any one could give.

To be a child is to know innocence

To know a child is to know wonder

To have a child is to know LOVE!

Ps- congratulation on the birth of your beautiful baby!

[wogomon1]

I can honestly say it is more to do with her upbringing than her self image althought that might have something to do with it. She bought me lingerie (for her to wear) for 2006 christmas. A nice corset style red and black outfit. Very sexy. It took her 18 months to actually wear it. She was hot when she did. Her typical idea of sexy lingerie is matching bra and skimpy panties. Sexy lingerie to me is completely different.

It's not as though our sex life is missionary only. Its just that it could be so much more. We have blindfolded each other and tied each other up in the past. Nothing too crazy though, although when we were first dating, she did tie me to the bed, blind fold me, and then masturbated at the other end of the bed. That was great.

I think now it's just that our lives have become so crazy that she just doesn't think about being creative anymore. I wish she would come up with some ideas instead of me all the time. I think she needs to look at more porn.

[zakdad]

Have patience and try to talk(very gently) about some of this! Try to get her to tell you about some sort of fantasy she might have. I would bet she does have a fantasy or two, but may be too afraid of telling you about them. My wife and I went through kinda the same thing in her mid to late 20's. I was able to talk to her over a period of time and get some of her fantasies out of her and broke that barrier of the same ole same ole thing! Like I said, be patient and try to work it out of her! Plus, more porn may help, too!!hehe It did for us to a point!!!!

Best of luck,

Mark

[pappyld04]

Have patience and try to talk(very gently) about some of this! Try to get her to tell you about some sort of fantasy she might have. I would bet she does have a fantasy or two, but may be too afraid of telling you about them. My wife and I went through kinda the same thing in her mid to late 20's. I was able to talk to her over a period of time and get some of her fantasies out of her and broke that barrier of the same ole same ole thing! Like I said, be patient and try to work it out of her! Plus, more porn may help, too!!hehe It did for us to a point!!!!

Best of luck,

Mark

Time is the biggest key here I think. Good looking out Mark!

[zakdad]

Time and talking! Communication is a biggie! Just keep it gentle and if she tells you a fantasy(like having two guys or something) don't freak out!!!! It is a fantasy and doesn't mean she will do that! Just take your time and make her comfortable about what you are talking about at all times! It will come with time and patience!

Peace,

Mark

[sun_flower969]

I can honestly say it is more to do with her upbringing than her self image althought that might have something to do with it. She bought me lingerie (for her to wear) for 2006 christmas. A nice corset style red and black outfit. Very sexy. It took her 18 months to actually wear it. She was hot when she did. Her typical idea of sexy lingerie is matching bra and skimpy panties. Sexy lingerie to me is completely different.

It's not as though our sex life is missionary only. Its just that it could be so much more. We have blindfolded each other and tied each other up in the past. Nothing too crazy though, although when we were first dating, she did tie me to the bed, blind fold me, and then masturbated at the other end of the bed. That was great.

I think now it's just that our lives have become so crazy that she just doesn't think about being creative anymore. I wish she would come up with some ideas instead of me all the time. I think she needs to look at more porn.

Not necessarily. I bet she has things in her head that she doesn't even know exists or may even feel shy about. Like Pappy and Mark said just talk it out!

[pappyld04]

Time and talking! Communication is a biggie! Just keep it gentle and if she tells you a fantasy(like having two guys or something) don't freak out!!!! It is a fantasy and doesn't mean she will do that! Just take your time and make her comfortable about what you are talking about at all times! It will come with time and patience!

Peace,

Mark

Another good point. If you have ever freaked on one of her fantasies she will be reluctant at best to share anything else with you!

[wogomon1]

She's never really conveyed a fantasy to me. I know she has an affection for watching two women together but because of her religous upbringing, I know she feels extremely guilty about it. When ever we sit down to watch porn, which isn't frequently enough, and I ask her what kind of porn she wants to watch, she almost always says girl on girl. It's like her mind and body tell her one thing and her concious intervenes and tells her another. I'd like to go to a strip club with her and get her a lap dance. I know deep down inside she'd enjoy it more than she knows, but again that concious thing intervenes. I have tried to convey to her that fantasy is one thing and making it part of your lifestyle is something completely different but she has a hard time differentiating between the two.

When she masterbates, which isn't nearly enough IMHO, she has this book that's in our sex toy drawer that illustrates every sex position imaginable. I would like to get a more risque magazine or two to keep in the drawer for her to masterbate to. Anybody have any ideas on a magazine that wouldn't freak her out but could open her mind to new possibilities?

[zakdad]

Penthouse Letters!!!!! It is also a great one to help bring up fantasies and may loosen her up to talking about them! They have them either in magizine form or paperback! We use them once in a while for fun and is one of the big reasons my wife started talking about her fantasies!

As for her wanting to watch girl on girl porn, it sounds like she has a fantasy and doesn't know how you would take it and is afraid(like you said) to admit it to herself! Like I said, be patient and not pushy about all of this. Slow is the way to go. If you go fast, it may push her towards not being able to talk out her fantasies for a long time! Little things add up over a long period of time and will make her more willing to talk to you about these things!! Best of luck with all of this and hope some of our advice helps the two of you!

Peace,

Mark

[pappyld04]

Grab a few issues of Penthouse letters or a similar publication. The stories have enough variation that she can pick and choose. Women create romance and sex in the brain the way we guys create it visually.

[zakdad]

Grab a few issues of Penthouse letters or a similar publication. The stories have enough variation that she can pick and choose. Women create romance and sex in the brain the way we guys create it visually.

Very good point, Pappy! We guys like porn more and women like to creat it in their head more than we do! Not all, but most that I know are that way!

[ladylove]

She's never really conveyed a fantasy to me. I know she has an affection for watching two women together but because of her religous upbringing, I know she feels extremely guilty about it. When ever we sit down to watch porn, which isn't frequently enough, and I ask her what kind of porn she wants to watch, she almost always says girl on girl. It's like her mind and body tell her one thing and her concious intervenes and tells her another. I'd like to go to a strip club with her and get her a lap dance. I know deep down inside she'd enjoy it more than she knows, but again that concious thing intervenes. I have tried to convey to her that fantasy is one thing and making it part of your lifestyle is something completely different but she has a hard time differentiating between the two.

When she masterbates, which isn't nearly enough IMHO, she has this book that's in our sex toy drawer that illustrates every sex position imaginable. I would like to get a more risque magazine or two to keep in the drawer for her to masterbate to. Anybody have any ideas on a magazine that wouldn't freak her out but could open her mind to new possibilities?

Take her away on an erotic weekend. You plan the eroticism. She'll appreciate it. Open a new door.

[LilyElle]

Everyone's been giving you really good advice, which with my limited experience I can't top. The one thing I can help you with though is some of the communication. Saying "Talk!" or even "talk gently!" is all well and good, but it wasn't too long ago that I was the one wailing "How?! How do I do that?" I found one thing that is great for sounding your love out: dreams. For us, it worked best when we were just waking up in the morning. The night before I'd pick out something new I wanted to try, then when we woke up, I'd roll over and say something like "Baby, I just had the craziest dream..." If he seemed weirded out by it, we could laugh it off as a dream without him feeling like he had to go on the defensive (but still planted the seeds of the idea in his mind). If not, I could go into more and more detail about what happened in the "dream", sometimes as elaborate as "and then we did this, and I liked it, but I didn't like that so much, and when I did this you were screaming and grabbing the sheets..." You get the picture. Sometimes it led to very steamy wake-up sex, whether or not it involved the fantasy.

SuzyP's got another great one, if you want to revisit something you've already done, the "I loved it when we ___" approach is good, too. Anything that doesn't put too much pressure on her to respond right away. If you pose it as "Want to try this now?" or "Would you like to do ___ tonight?", she may feel pressured, and instinctively respond with NO, in which case she may not be able to think about it without remembering she didn't want to, which feeds back on itself. (I didn't want to, so I must not like it, so I'll say I don't want to...) This isn't a cure-all, but it may help open the lines of communication.

One thing you might try, if you haven't already: you mentioned she has a whole bunch of toys, and that she uses them, if infrequently to the best of your knowledge. Have you two ever considered using them together? You using them on her, or both of you using them on her during sex, or her using one on herself during sex? If she's open to the idea, it may help her ease back into the kinkier side of your relationship.

Good luck to both of you! This won't be fast or easy, but with some work you can come through as a stronger, happier, more sexually satisfied couple!

[ladylove]

She's never really conveyed a fantasy to me. I know she has an affection for watching two women together but because of her religous upbringing, I know she feels extremely guilty about it. When ever we sit down to watch porn, which isn't frequently enough, and I ask her what kind of porn she wants to watch, she almost always says girl on girl. It's like her mind and body tell her one thing and her concious intervenes and tells her another. I'd like to go to a strip club with her and get her a lap dance. I know deep down inside she'd enjoy it more than she knows, but again that concious thing intervenes. I have tried to convey to her that fantasy is one thing and making it part of your lifestyle is something completely different but she has a hard time differentiating between the two.

When she masterbates, which isn't nearly enough IMHO, she has this book that's in our sex toy drawer that illustrates every sex position imaginable. I would like to get a more risque magazine or two to keep in the drawer for her to masterbate to. Anybody have any ideas on a magazine that wouldn't freak her out but could open her mind to new possibilities?

W, The first time my husband bought me lingerie it was a corset with the whole kit-n-kaboodle. I was mortified! I returned it, because outwardly I thought the outfit was UGGG, but I secretly wondered. You need to open the doors very slowly at this point until she begins to feel comfortable. It may take a very long time, but hang in there. One day she will begin to plan erotic evening for the two of you, and you'll be glad you did. I'm a living testament, and my husband is eternally grateful for his own persistence and my eventual expectance. You'll both be rewarded in time, hang in there.

[wogomon1]

Thank you everyone for your advice. With regards to the sex toys, we do use them together. In fact, everytime we have sex for that matter. With regards to asking to try new things, I think I need to work on my deliver and you have given me some good ideas. I really like the dream one. I have sort of used that before and I think I will perfect it and try it again. I would have to agree that Patience has never been one of my strong points. I always have tried to go for the wildest and kinkiest thing right off the get go. One thing I struggle with is that my fantasies are so far out there that its hard to eaze her into it. I know deep down that if we were able to "share" these together that it would put a lot of intmacy back into our relationship and bring us closer together. I should have read this website 8 years ago when we got together, because by now we would the masters of it.

I feel like my sexlife has to start completely over from scratch and I am struggleing with where to start.