Having "the Talk" With Your Spouse

[kisskat]

That does happen in many people's marriages, but why would you sign up for that if that's what you expected to happen. People entered into relationships because they expect it to make them feel good about themselves & who they love. But too often couples loose sight of that.

My husband I had to learn this after my daughter was born...we had lost sight of it so to speak (that's another story). But we found out before it was too late and we are the better for it...a lot better You have to know the way to approach things with people. Each person is different...as I said I am a very blunt person and sometimes it does hurt when I say things but I have learned to be a little softer when it comes to sensitive discussions.

[KentJ]

Kisskat & Dadt,

You both offer good advice and perspective. Thank You.

The truth is that I made a conscious choice to be with and marry my wife because I believed that together she and I could, "make each other happy 99% of the time, AND that we could take on the world as a dymaic pair". We talked about people growing at different rates as being inevitable, but that really good partnerships work to "get back to the center" when the two people are getting too far apart.

Well, as you can guess, I am a bit more self aware then she is. I also am much more interested in "working on our issues" than she is. Unfortunately, as I have come to find out, her parents relationship is the model that she is basing our relationship on. If only I had been paying more attention as we dated, I would have had further discussions with her about what married life looks like 15 years into the relationship!

And that brings us to today. After my wife and I had our discussion four of days ago, we were "sexually active" two nights ago. Yes, that is a sterile term - Sexually Active - because that what the event was. She accepted oral sex from me, but that was it! She did not return the favor. She did not allow me to have intercourse with her. She told me that we needed KY as she was too dry and it hurt? The funny thing is that my tongue and fingers were inside and outside of her, and it is amazing that her memory was that short lived.

I am going to give this a little more time, and then it will be time for me to move on. Life is just too short to spend that back half of my life unhappy. And whether she knows it or not, she too cannot be happy with this arraingement.

Njoy

[kisskat]

You know maybe the point is she may not actually enjoy sex for some physical reason and is avoiding it. Meaning she may be having "moisture issues", she might not be getting aroused in the same way/rate as you, or even staying as aroused as you? I don't know what else to say to be honest. Confront....no confront is to harsh maybe, ask her to go see her medical doctor and discuss any kind of physical issues she might have concerning her body. Get KY and see what she says. If she still turns you down then maybe you need to find your happiness by moving on. As bad as it may sound that may be your only choice left....though I hate to say that.

[makasha1]

Unfortunately, I don't.

I know she is frustrated by the medical profession. When she has tried to discuss her lack of libido with them they either

give her a runaround or just prescribe a pill and drop the subject. So far the pills just don't work or cause more

problems.

[KentJ]

Well, the saga continues.

I purchased his and hers lubricant even before kisskat suggested and placed it on my wife's pillow. That led to another conversation when she found it. At first she said she was angry, then she said it was OK. At that point I asked whether we should have an open marriage to which she replied "no". I am going to attempt to have sex with my wife tonight. If things do not work, then I am going to strongly suggest that she go to see her OBGYN. If that is to no avail, then I will have to go outside of our relationship. My only question is what that means...divorce???

Thanks again for everyone's input!

Njoy

[kisskat]

Sorry I didn't come back sooner...so what was her reaction if ya'll got to do it...was it better or the same? I am glad you are trying to help her and I hope she realizes it. I sincerely hope it works for you because you must really love her to have put yourself through all of it. I hope she loves you just as much to listen and work through it with you. In the end if it all of this does not solve the problem then you probably need to make choices that are not easy. I don't need to tell them because I think you know them. I wish for the best for you and her.

[ladylove]

Well, the saga continues.

I purchased his and hers lubricant even before kisskat suggested and placed it on my wife's pillow. That led to another conversation when she found it. At first she said she was angry, then she said it was OK. At that point I asked whether we should have an open marriage to which she replied "no". I am going to attempt to have sex with my wife tonight. If things do not work, then I am going to strongly suggest that she go to see her OBGYN. If that is to no avail, then I will have to go outside of our relationship. My only question is what that means...divorce???

Thanks again for everyone's input!

Njoy

Njoy, How are thing going for you and your wife. I really hope you both have made progress together. I hope you haven't had to resort to other measures.

[KentJ]

We are still struggling...explicitly there has been no intercourse. I have performed oral for her to the point of multiple orgasms; manually stimulated her to orgasm; used lubricant in addition to her very, very well lubricated vagina (my saliva and her body generated), but wife says that she cannot accept my penis, as it is too painful. I have asked her to see OB/GYN and Psych, as it is clear that something is not quite right. I am very concerned that we are headed for an undesired end of our marriage. The confounding this is that she keeps telling me that she loves me, and does not want a divorce. I keep telling her that all of these mixed signals are getting to be too much, even for my resolve!!!

Sorry to unload. Ladylove, thanks for "reaching-out"

Njoy

.

Njoy, How are thing going for you and your wife. I really hope you both have made progress together. I hope you haven't had to resort to other measures.

[ladylove]

We are still struggling...explicitly there has been no intercourse. I have performed oral for her to the point of multiple orgasms; manually stimulated her to orgasm; used lubricant in addition to her very, very well lubricated vagina (my saliva and her body generated), but wife says that she cannot accept my penis, as it is too painful. I have asked her to see OB/GYN and Psych, as it is clear that something is not quite right. I am very concerned that we are headed for an undesired end of our marriage. The confounding this is that she keeps telling me that she loves me, and does not want a divorce. I keep telling her that all of these mixed signals are getting to be too much, even for my resolve!!!

Sorry to unload. Ladylove, thanks for "reaching-out"

Njoy

.

You are getting mixed signals, but it seems to me you have had some (even if it's very little) progress. Hopefully she will visit her OB then a Psych. If you both have had a sexual relationship in the past, and she has given birth to your children, the Psychiatrist my be the best bet. Why don't you do some digging for names, and have her ask her internist or OB for recommendations. I'm guessing she would be much more comfortable with a women. I'm hopeful for you both.

[ginshreve]

We are still struggling...explicitly there has been no intercourse. I have performed oral for her to the point of multiple orgasms; manually stimulated her to orgasm; used lubricant in addition to her very, very well lubricated vagina (my saliva and her body generated), but wife says that she cannot accept my penis, as it is too painful. I have asked her to see OB/GYN and Psych, as it is clear that something is not quite right. I am very concerned that we are headed for an undesired end of our marriage. The confounding this is that she keeps telling me that she loves me, and does not want a divorce. I keep telling her that all of these mixed signals are getting to be too much, even for my resolve!!!

Sorry to unload. Ladylove, thanks for "reaching-out"

Njoy

.

Njoy, she needs to see her ob-gyn. There is an actual condition, vaginismus, that causes tightening of the vagina resulting in painful intercourse - and I understand (although I have not experienced it) that it can be very painful. There are treatment protocols, some of which involve gentle stretching, that can help the issue. It will not go away on its own. Good luck!

[ladylove]

Njoy, she needs to see her ob-gyn. There is an actual condition, vaginismus, that causes tightening of the vagina resulting in painful intercourse - and I understand (although I have not experienced it) that it can be very painful. There are treatment protocols, some of which involve gentle stretching, that can help the issue. It will not go away on its own. Good luck!

can one have this condition even after giving birth?

[elektra]

i kinda skimmed this article, although my imput may be of little value as seeing how i cannot relate but insight from my parents may be helpful..

my mom had several miscarriages before being able to actaully give birth to my older brother.. it was very stressful and damaging to my parents young relationship and marriage.. so much so my mom was really depressed and my father was left, with his hands up in surrender and shrugging and with no idea what to do..

my mom even considered getting a divorce because she had lost all sexual attraction, and all emotions toward my dad... but my dad told her everyday he didnt want that because he loved her, and was hopeful things would be resolved and he was willing to do anything it took... gradually my dad, through being hopeful, supportive and even by slowly rekindling the relationship (cuddles on the couch, unexpected hugs and kisses etc.) my mom was able to grow and look to the future...

and a few months later she got pregnant, and eventually had my brother with no complications at all!

i think essentially you need to remain the way my father did, patient (although u have shown this, continue it) and hopeful and willing to help in any way.. i am confident things will turn around!

personally i dont believe in divorce, i believe everything can be rekindled if the feelings were there in the first place!

[ginshreve]

can one have this condition even after giving birth?

Yes, I believe so - the only person I actually know who had something like this had had 2 children, with her youngest being 12 years old. The way I understand it from her, the muscles just tighten up (perhaps from lack of stretching, if you know what I mean?) and she was in serious pain when trying to have intercourse, even though she wanted to very much. Tampons presented no problem, but a penis? Not possible.

The ob prescribed a medication, I believe, and talked about gentle stretching activiities and progressing over a generous amount of time toward actual sexual intercourse. I haven't talked to her about this recently so I don't know the outcome. When she told me about it initially I had never heard of anything like it and was just flabbergasted; could hardly believe what she was saying - but then I looked it up on the trusty webmd and sure enough, it's a real thing. Strange but true, and it seems like it might be relevant to njoy.

[ladylove]

Yes, I believe so - the only person I actually know who had something like this had had 2 children, with her youngest being 12 years old. The way I understand it from her, the muscles just tighten up (perhaps from lack of stretching, if you know what I mean?) and she was in serious pain when trying to have intercourse, even though she wanted to very much. Tampons presented no problem, but a penis? Not possible.

The ob prescribed a medication, I believe, and talked about gentle stretching activiities and progressing over a generous amount of time toward actual sexual intercourse. I haven't talked to her about this recently so I don't know the outcome. When she told me about it initially I had never heard of anything like it and was just flabbergasted; could hardly believe what she was saying - but then I looked it up on the trusty webmd and sure enough, it's a real thing. Strange but true, and it seems like it might be relevant to njoy.

interesting

[Kalbi54]

I have a lot of empathy for Njoy...I found myself in the same type of situation although not as long a time frame as his situation but the settings are there. Unfortunately, I did seek outside "comfort" and for that I make no excuses.

My wife & I have known each other for 30plus years, 2 great kids, we have a good life.

For whatever reason(s), my wife kind of started to not want sex any more. I would always have to initiate it. I did talk to her about it several and asked her to talk to her doctor about any physical or emotional problem. It took several times but she finally did talk to her GYN and the doctor turned around asking her "Do you think there's a problem?" She said "no" and that's when it struck me. Unless the person admits there is a "problem", then there can be no "cure". It's like addict (smoking, drugs, alcohol, et al)...until that point of admission is reached, it's difficult for someone else to help. Unlike a drug addiction where someone can be forcibly taken to a drug treatment for withdrawal, you can't force someone to seek and receive any other kind of therapy.

This is my own personal experience and observation. Can't be regarded as the "be it all" insight. The only advice I can offer Njoy is that there seems to be only 3 options or courses of action:

1. Accept the current situation and/or continue to talk to your spouse

2. Seek another

3. Divorce

I'm not here to pass judgement on you or tell you that you should do 1, 2 or 3. It is your life, your relationship and only you can make that decision. The rest of us here don't have to live w/the decision...you do and all the repercussions that will follow.

[elektra]

good analogy

eventually in the case of addiction, or substance abuse situations there comes a breaking point for family/friends (if there is any left at this point, for some people sadly they're isn't) where they attempt to stage an intervention ...that kind of you get clean or else situation, one last attempt kind of thing...

my friend battled a cocaine addiction from 16-18, and her family attempted an intervention at about 17, and then just gave up and lost hope for her, and let it go... eventually a guy friend stepped in, and shes been clean for about a year..

she still doesn't admit she was ever addicted, or had a problem.. she says addictions are bad and she liked when she did cocaine.. breaks my heart