Moving Out

[mystofpric]

Thanks everyone for your kind words. Just to make it clear I wasn't saying that I was a man-hater by no means. Just need to take a break from them. Hey they say you find "the one" when you aren't looking right???

Things aren't going to well with the apartments right now...or jobs. I am looking into income based rentals. I have 2 that I am going to look at right now but I am not sure the specs on them so I don't know yet if they fall into my realistic catagory. I will be stopping in now and then until I move out...and then I am not sure when I will be back. I am supposed to start up my college stuff this month but there is no chance in hell I will beable to....not will all the stuff going on and so I will just have to wait till fall. And I am ok with that cuz that means I should be settled down with me and my daughter and have some place to start. I wouldn't be able to pass the classes now anyways....and I am already physically ill from all the stress....

now ex SO still wants to be friends after this and he still cares about me still...all that has happened and what not....I really think it is the commitment issue. He is still playing with my daughter ect. And I am trying to break her of calling her daddy. And no it wasn't my original idea for her to call him daddy in the first place. I never said it and I don't know where she learned it from....but she started calling him that herself. And I couldn't get her to stop. So I just let it be. Besides, her father isn't in the picture anyways...and I don't want him to be.

And LL I know you said that by my other posts you said you could see it coming....well I do write every little thing on TT so I will explain....Since that last time we got into a fight...things have been gettting so much better! We hadn't had another fight or argument till this. And the posts that I made like 2 days before this one....he had already dumped me.

Even his mom doesn't understand him and thinks he's not making good choices. They are a very close family and so that was kind of a surprise to me and I was and am kind of happy that she is along with me on this. But I am not going to make her talk to him or anything like that. That would probably only make him mad.

Ok I think I am done for the day. Bye bye.

Hun, if once you get out on your own, and you have to, he may want to get back togeher especially if it is onlyu the commitment ting. I'm not encouraging this, but if you feel its teh right thing to do, let me give you a word of advice: keep your own place. I'm sure you'll find that once you move out and you're on your feet that it is so rewarding! So don't lose that. adn I agree with everyone else for putting on a strong facwe for you daughter but, don't be afraid to let it out. We're here for ya. Just know that we love ya and we're here for ya!

[ladylove]

Whoa....this post took an ugly tone.

Listen, I think it is unfair to smush all 'men' or all 'women' into a group. People are individuals. There are really bad men out there and really bad women too. I can understand how being used or abused would make a woman 'hate' men - I have been there - but I never hated ALL men. Now I have a wonderful, caring, sensitive, loving man - and if I had grouped all men into the 'scumbag' box then I wouldn't have him.

It is unfair to suggest that all men are users. We all use people for various reasons. Even good, decent people will admit that they have used someone at some point for something. Even if it is unintentional, it happens.

We need to look at this for what it is: Whitefang got hurt. I am soooo sorry for that. He obviously is not mature enough to be in a good relationship. Poontang got hurt too - but a woman - so there are two sides to the coin here. I feel badly for both people - but I am not going to suggest that we are all a bunch of users or haters.

Well said M. You are so right?

[Guest eminatic]

do not stay friends with him! dont contact him any further!

when someone says they "still want to be friends" it is a ploy to avoid commitment without having to fully own up to the consequences of their actions. please do not fall for this.

right after a breakup, it is too hard to solidify the lines of friendship. when the line gets blurred people get hurt. you need to get AWAY from him, get on your feet WITHOUT him. you need to focus on YOURSELF and your daughter. any further contact with him at this point will only set you back to square one.

AND you need to believe with all your heart that you are making the right choice for yourself.

IF (and thats a big if) after a decent amount of time has passed and you feel truly independent on your feet, then MAYBE you can re-open the friendship, if you still want to at that point. be sure that you are ready if you try to do this or else it will send you back to square one.

[sun_flower969]

do not stay friends with him! dont contact him any further!

when someone says they "still want to be friends" it is a ploy to avoid commitment without having to fully own up to the consequences of their actions. please do not fall for this.

right after a breakup, it is too hard to solidify the lines of friendship. when the line gets blurred people get hurt. you need to get AWAY from him, get on your feet WITHOUT him. you need to focus on YOURSELF and your daughter. any further contact with him at this point will only set you back to square one.

AND you need to believe with all your heart that you are making the right choice for yourself.

IF (and thats a big if) after a decent amount of time has passed and you feel truly independent on your feet, then MAYBE you can re-open the friendship, if you still want to at that point. be sure that you are ready if you try to do this or else it will send you back to square one.

I have to say, although it may seem harsh and painful I agree here...

[Tyger]

well as a certified man hater I'll add,

dont stoop to trying to change his mind! (i promise you it never works, even if it looks like it is working temporarily) it is his loss and he will have to deal with the consequences! get away from him ASAP and never look back!

all men use women, the only difference is HOW they go about doing it. there are the obvious ones, and the more dangerous ones who pretend to give a relationship until they get bored or something else comes along.

you do not need any male to validate your existence. look at this as an opportunity to focus on YOU.

Not ALL men are users. I will have to respectfully disagree on that one. I think that your statement that you're a "certified man-hater" is really sad. That's like a man stating that all women are gold-diggers. I mean, now fair is that, to say such a statement? There are many bad apples in the barrel of life, but don't let them spoil everything for you. Just throw out the bad ones, and go for a nice shiny one.

Many women have been burned. I would say that all of us that have dated, have been used in one form or another. Also, many men have been used too. To those women that have been burned repeatedly, please, get some help. I say get some help, not because I think there's something wrong with YOU, but there is a problem with the sort of men you seem to go for.

For example: My sister's mother (half sister), went for abusive men after she divorced our father. She liked the strong, manly type, that seemed to be pleasantly possessive, then extremely jealous, then they'd abuse her. She finally got help when her 2nd husband hit my sister. She is an educated woman, with a batchelor degree in education. So, these sorts of things happen to ALL sorts of people. She got help, got out of the relationship, and is now married to a wonderful, kind man.

Many women, especially those with low self esteem, seem to get into a rut when finding a man/partner. They tend to gravitate towards the same sorts of men, whether they're cheaters (not all men cheat, BTW), users, abusers (emotional/physical/both), jealous, fanatic, whatever, there usually is a pattern. A good counselor, or even a BFF can try to show you what you seem to be attracted too. Trust me, BFF's do see these things, and usually try and hint to the issue without coming out and saying it so they won't hurt your feelings.

Also, working on how you feel about yourself can really help boost not only your POV on yourself, but how others see you too. Men that are controlling, mean, abusive, whatever, tend to try and scope out their next "victim/patsy" for a relationship. They look for certain things in a woman, though I have no clue what they are, and I doubt they would admit to it unless they're in counselling and trying to change. But I do know that low self esteem is one of them, and yes, that shows outwardly.

I will say that I DO agree with Em, as far as not being able to change anyone's mind. If he doesn't want to commit, he won't. There's nothing you can do to change that. It's best to just let him be. Move on. It'll be hard, but you can do it. You have to, especially where you have a child.

Best wishes to you.

[chloegirl]

do not stay friends with him! dont contact him any further!

when someone says they "still want to be friends" it is a ploy to avoid commitment without having to fully own up to the consequences of their actions. please do not fall for this.

right after a breakup, it is too hard to solidify the lines of friendship. when the line gets blurred people get hurt. you need to get AWAY from him, get on your feet WITHOUT him. you need to focus on YOURSELF and your daughter. any further contact with him at this point will only set you back to square one.

AND you need to believe with all your heart that you are making the right choice for yourself.

IF (and thats a big if) after a decent amount of time has passed and you feel truly independent on your feet, then MAYBE you can re-open the friendship, if you still want to at that point. be sure that you are ready if you try to do this or else it will send you back to square one.

Very good point Em! Right now this guy just does not care enough to commit to making a life with you 100%. I take it he is young too so even though this is painful for you it's really not surprising. He's just not emotionally ready or feeling it as much as he should be if he really loved you. Even though alot of people do hook up at a young age and make it work, I think it's much better to live a little and experience life and different people before you commit to a lifelong relationship with one person. That's how you learn about the kind of person you really are and what you really want from a partner. No matter how hard you try or want it you can't make someone love you. Either they do or they don't....and if they don't you can't even really be mad about it because that's just how the heart works. Rejection always hurts but really it's better to know the truth and depth of this relationship now. It would be so much worse if he did just go along with it for now even though he's not ready and then later cheat on you or dump you. I promise you are stronger than you think you are. You will make it thru this and come out the other side feeling strong and confident and that will help you choose a better partner down the road....the kind of good man that you deserve and there ARE some out there....really! Good luck!

[mystofpric]

do not stay friends with him! dont contact him any further!

when someone says they "still want to be friends" it is a ploy to avoid commitment without having to fully own up to the consequences of their actions. please do not fall for this.

right after a breakup, it is too hard to solidify the lines of friendship. when the line gets blurred people get hurt. you need to get AWAY from him, get on your feet WITHOUT him. you need to focus on YOURSELF and your daughter. any further contact with him at this point will only set you back to square one.

AND you need to believe with all your heart that you are making the right choice for yourself.

IF (and thats a big if) after a decent amount of time has passed and you feel truly independent on your feet, then MAYBE you can re-open the friendship, if you still want to at that point. be sure that you are ready if you try to do this or else it will send you back to square one.

See I have to disagree with this on 99% of what got said. I don't think the line "i still want to be friends" is a ploy to avoid commitment, i think it is a very honest statement. Sometimes relationships don't work, maybe she really isn't (sorry whitefang) the person he is meant to be with? Does that mean that they should cut off all contact? No. That means that he still loves her (as a friend most likely) and values her as such. They lived together Em, this wasn't a couple month long fling, this was a serious relationship. I think we need to take that into consideration. Is he ready for commitment? Clearly not. Does that mean he doesn't care about her or think highly of her? No. This is, as I recall the 2nd time in a couple of months that this has happened, only this time it seems to be for good and that is a good thing for both Whitefang and her daughter. This has been a tough and stressfull situtation for them and we need to be respectful of that.

[Guest eminatic]

yes, i read the thread, i am aware that they were living together.

i did not say friendship was out of the question, but that she needs to find herself FIRST, because no good will come of getting feelings mixed up or confused. she needs to step AWAY from the situation, so to speak before coming back to re-assess things

and for anyone trying to convince me that there are good men out there:

i have NEVER let go of a grudge in my LIFE and am not even sure i would know how to go about doing such a thing. i shall take them all to the grave with me! do not attempt to get me to change my mind, i won't. however i did not give the above advice or my previous post out of hatred for men. i have seen it happen to others around me both male and female.

[mystofpric]

yes, i read the thread, i am aware that they were living together.

i did not say friendship was out of the question, but that she needs to find herself FIRST, because no good will come of getting feelings mixed up or confused. she needs to step AWAY from the situation, so to speak before coming back to re-assess things

and for anyone trying to convince me that there are good men out there:

i have NEVER let go of a grudge in my LIFE and am not even sure i would know how to go about doing such a thing. i shall take them all to the grave with me! do not attempt to get me to change my mind, i won't. however i did not give the above advice or my previous post out of hatred for men. i have seen it happen to others around me both male and female.

Hun I hate to say this, but you cannot honestly say that your "hatred" of men has nothing to do with this post. Whiel I agree that she, or anyone fresh from a relationship, needs to find themselves again, I don't believe it's healthy to completely shut someone out, especially if they are trying to make ammends. Further I KNOW that it isn't healthy to hold grudges as you do and that will only lead to bitter tempering of your views on everything and it will only lead to your ultimate unhappiness. I have said it before, and I'm saying it again, I think that you might benifit from some counciling. I have gone through it several time and i'm looking to go back in. Please don't take this as I'm calling you crazy or anything like that because I'm not, i think everyone could benifit from a unbiased professional third party, and you seem to be in great need of it.

[Guest eminatic]

i do not say that hastily, i have been of this opinion before i started hating men. i did not say to completely shut everyone out. i was saying she needs to get on her feet FIRST before attempting to deal with a giant ball of tangled emotions with someone else.

the holding grudges part has nothing to do with the first part, i was just saying that you could all stop with the lecture posts about how hating men is wrong, it will do nothing to persuade me.

[Tyger]

The one part of Em's post I will agree with, partially, is that WF needs to seperate herself from this man, if only for a while.

Where you can remain friends, WF, and anyone else going thru this, needs to seperate themselves from it all, all the hurt feelings, romantic love, and wounded pride, before you can continue a relationship, if only friendship, with someone you break up with. It's almost impossible to break up with someone, and a couple days later, hang out with them like there's nothing wrong. Especially when one really wants to be in that relationship, romantically.

And what if he starts dating? How can she be happy for him? Chances are there's be a lot of resentment on her part, and that would damage things further.

Getting over something like this is hard, and takes a lot of time.

I will say that if Em wants to hate men, that's her perrogative, sad as that may be. We always say how we need to respect other's views, and Em has every right to think how she wants too. However, please try not to post posts with your hatred spewing forth, because that is NOT what this board is for.

[whitefang2002]

Thanks everyone. Sorry to see my post keeps taking stray paths..but thats what happens.

OMG....I wrote a long post and I must have hit some button and it erased it all!!!! GGRRRR!

Let me try to figure out all that I said.

I know that I have to stay away from him awhile to get on my feet. Cuz honestly I would be so angry and hurt if I saw him with a woman. (as someone mentioned above).

I know it will take time. We, me and him, already talked about this. And we both want to stay friends, but we BOTH know it will take time to get there. We both know that its not going to happen over night. He is a really nice guy...just aparently not the one for me. And I will just have to accept it.

On the other hand....

I found a town house I reallly liked and seems doable.

I got my check from the lawyer from my dad passing away last year. It is only $2400...but that is better then nothing.

I have to get a vehicle and items for the townhouse.....that is after I am moved in and have everything paid up and then I will see what I have left.

Because of this check I can no longer get emergency assistance from the county. Which really sucks since I have to get a vehicle!!!!!!!!

I jsut hope that the town houses approve my application since I dont' have a job right now. They know Im looking and that my childsupport should kick back up this month or the next...not sure how long that is goign to take.

This is no where near longer then what I first wrote and accidently deleated....and knowing me I forgot something. lol. But this is all i am going to write for now!

Thanks again everyone for your support!

[mystofpric]

hey fang!

I'm glad things are looking up for you. I'll keep my fingers crossed for the town house! Also besure to check out things like thrift stores, you can find some amazing stuff for cheap! MWAH Glad thinsg are going well for you!

[whitefang2002]

I'm still not feeling good about this. Still physically ill that its hard to eat cuz i'm always feeling like im going to throw up.

[ladylove]

I'm still not feeling good about this. Still physically ill that its hard to eat cuz i'm always feeling like im going to throw up.

Just breath, and put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Take one day at a time and take care of you and your child. It will get better, I promise. Good luck honey.

[mystofpric]

I'm still not feeling good about this. Still physically ill that its hard to eat cuz i'm always feeling like im going to throw up.

Things do get better hun. This is only a chapter in your life and your young yet, you haven't even reached 1/2 way! It will only get better from here!

[synirr]

Beautiful post, Poon. Well said.

[sass]

Beautiful post, Poon. Well said.

I agree!

[vanilla_bean]

I agree!

So do I .

[ohshelly]

Ditto.

[whitefang2002]

Things still aren't going that well. He wasnts me out by the night of the 18th. I still don't have a place. My parents won't let me move in for a week or two till I get my place....even though they have 3 spare bedrooms......

So I am sure that I will end up in a hotel....

[pappyld04]

Thanks everyone. Sorry to see my post keeps taking stray paths..but thats what happens.

OMG....I wrote a long post and I must have hit some button and it erased it all!!!! GGRRRR!

Let me try to figure out all that I said.

I know that I have to stay away from him awhile to get on my feet. Cuz honestly I would be so angry and hurt if I saw him with a woman. (as someone mentioned above).

I know it will take time. We, me and him, already talked about this. And we both want to stay friends, but we BOTH know it will take time to get there. We both know that its not going to happen over night. He is a really nice guy...just aparently not the one for me. And I will just have to accept it.

On the other hand....

I found a town house I reallly liked and seems doable.

I got my check from the lawyer from my dad passing away last year. It is only $2400...but that is better then nothing.

I have to get a vehicle and items for the townhouse.....that is after I am moved in and have everything paid up and then I will see what I have left.

Because of this check I can no longer get emergency assistance from the county. Which really sucks since I have to get a vehicle!!!!!!!!

I jsut hope that the town houses approve my application since I dont' have a job right now. They know Im looking and that my childsupport should kick back up this month or the next...not sure how long that is goign to take.

This is no where near longer then what I first wrote and accidently deleated....and knowing me I forgot something. lol. But this is all i am going to write for now!

Thanks again everyone for your support!

I think my post is largely responsible for the turn here. I did not intend to distract others from what is happening with your life. Only intending to discourage from the gender bashing. It is rather insulting no matter which side we are on. We've all had those relationships which set our views on the rest of the world. I think Poontang has said it all better than I could!

[whitefang2002]

I am not blaming anyone pappy.

Well, I have an update for all of you. I just found out that i got the townhouse i wanted in the town over from here. So happy I got it. I do the lease on Friday! YEY!!!

SO .....now ex SO has been nice to me today. And is going to help me move. Even though I am single with no job and no income.......things are kind of looking up right now.

Otherthings have happened but no need really to explain them becuase they resolved themselves. I Have lost 10lbs from all the stress of having to move out and find a place and car all in less then 2 weeks. I am kind of happy to see how it goes on my own and to know that i can try to focus all on me and my daughter now. I never thought i would feel this good given the circumstances.

Thank you all for your support and I hope things get better for me from here on out. I love you guys!!!!!!

[whitefang2002]

also had to add this...couldn't remember if i wrote it before...but it will be quite some time before im back on here. I am sure it will be after i have money comeing in and being able to pay all my bills and then i will see if i have money to get the net at my new place. hope you don't miss me too much!

[mystofpric]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! See, we told you things would work out, don't forget to take care of you once in a while and take your time geting back to us! (the library has free internet access! ) Aww that's so exciting!