Uncomfortable Discussing Sex

[girl21286]

Hi all,

I have been happily married for 10 years, and have a great sex life. A few years back I was having some health issues and lots of stress, so sex was not happening much. My husband was frustrated to say the least. He did not understand what I was going through emotionally or physically; and I wasn't quite sure how to explain... Now there are no health issues, and stress is less at work, so of course the libido is back up. Sometimes I find myself wanting sex more than I think he may, or he might not be catching the signals that of course I think are so obvious

For our 10 year Anniversary this past year I made him a coupon book, and a little box of couples dice and cards games etc. That was 4 months ago and he has not touched it. I am not sure if he thinks it was a cute or funny gag gift; or thought it was silly. I have brought it up once or twice and he just kind of blew it off. I also suggested a date night once a week. We do not have any children, but he is going back to college, and I have a job that could keep me busy around the clock if I allowed it to. So sometimes the week slips by without us spending much time together. The date night lasted 2 weeks.....We have never been the most romantic couple in the world, but we have always been in love and had a good sex life. We seem to be able to keep the communication open about everything else.....

I guess I am looking for some suggestions on how to get over my shyness in talking about sex and some ideas on opening up the communication. It sounds crazy but I may be afraid of rejection. I know it will not happen but when I think about talking to him about this, I feel like I would be embarrased or like he would think my ideas were silly.

[Smile4Me]

Hi there!

I saw your post and figured I'd add my two sense in here, maybe you will find something helpful. If not, that's okay too and I wish you the best of luck. My hubby and I have always been, well..umm..adverturous, and found ourselves in a similar situation not terribly long ago. My best advice is to be as bold as you can; he married you for a reason, he loves you and you're sexy as hell to him, so don't worry about rejection! I think if you ask any man, the sexiest thing about a woman is their confidence.

I'm avid about communication, my husband and I talk about EVERYTHING (even the stuff girls don't usually talk about). However, we're not so keen on romance either. If romance is what you're seeking, TELL HIM. What is the worst that will happen? He'll say "no"? I don't think so! From what you've said about your relationship, he sounds like a very caring and open-minded man, which means he is going to take anything you say to heart. He wants to make you happy, that I'm sure of! Sex should be fun....dress up in something sexy and suprise him with a massage...lingerie is a great way to feel sexy, which will alleviate the shyness

Another thought:

Take yourself outside your comfort zone a little bit and try something a little different than what you're used to. Everyone defines "kinky" differently, so I don't mean go crazy with the whips and chains (unless you REALLY want to!)..but maybe one quiet night when you're hanging out on the sofa together, lie back and start playing around solo with some suggestive glances his direction, let him enjoy the view for a while. If he's like most men, he'll be chomping at the bits in no time! Make sure he KNOWS you WANT him! Guys are very logical beings, they usually want you to spell things out for them (as I'm sure you already know)...and since you have no children, the possibilities are endless

I'm sure you will get LOTS of input here, and I hope you find something I've said here useful or maybe encouraging. Strut your sexy stuff!

[vanilla_bean]

Hi Girl. Welcome to TT.

I really like Iha's advice to you. I wish that I had read that when I was in a similar position.

I know that it can be hard to talk about sex. You don't want to hurt him or get hurt yourself, you don't want to make things worse. How do you even bring it up if you don't have a history of talking about it? And it all seems so silly because this is your life partner and you feel like you SHOULD be able to talk to him about it. Most of all, there is a fear of a bad reaction from him, maybe even rejection. What if you put yourself out there and he doesn't take you seriously or doesn't take you at all? So scary, right? You know what's worse? Not taking that scary leap of faith. It is hard at first. Admit to him that you're nervous bringing it up. Tell him that you fear he will not want you or whatever you're biggest fear is. Speak from the heart. Then comes the payoff. It gets much easier to talk about and you will be open to each other more than ever before. And it's fun to have this person you love and where nothing is off limits to talk about.

Its scary, but so worth it. The alternative is to continue to grow apart. Don't take that route.

Good luck! Let us Know how it goes.

[Sunday]

A few years back I was having some health issues and lots of stress, so sex was not happening much. My husband was frustrated to say the least. He did not understand what I was going through emotionally or physically; and I wasn't quite sure how to explain... Now there are no health issues, and stress is less at work, so of course the libido is back up. Sometimes I find myself wanting sex more than I think he may,

I think the quote above is the core of the communication you need to have with your man. The conversation you need to have with him isn't really about sex, it's about why you couldn't explain what was happening in your life when you weren't interested in sex. If he doesn't already, he needs to know it is common that a response to stress for women is a loss of interest in sex. You need to let him know what was going on with you in the past that killed your libido and also let him know what is going on with you now. More than anything, if it's not too late, he needs to KNOW it had nothing to do with him. He needs to know it was not a conscious decision on your part. Did you ever, during your down time, wish your libido would come back because you miss having sex with him? If so, that would be a good thing to tell him. "Hinting" that now you want more sex, when he apparently doesn't understand why you wanted less before, leaves way too much of the story untold. Try to tell him what you were going through emotionally and physically and that it killed your libido and you are sorry and you couldn't explain it before because (whatever the reason was). Talk to him about your life first, and then tell him as a result of feeling healthy again and having less stress on you your body has decided it feels like being sexual again. This at least gives your man the chance to be compassionate and understanding. I don't know him so I don't know if he actually WILL be compassionate and understanding, but he can't be if you don't give him the chance. Just leaving hints that NOW you want sex but THEN you didn't will only confuse him. It might get you a little more sex or it might get you rejected, but it leaves him confused and in the dark and it doesn't do anything to grow the relationship. I think coming together over understanding what your life as a woman is like, what the lack of libido was like for you and what its return is like, might strengthen your relationship AND get you more sex.

[DADT]

So sometimes the week slips by without us spending much time together.

Don't let this happen. You've been married for 10 years. You both need reminding more than ever that you adore each other. That feeling needs to get nurtured like a plant....every day. If you don't give it regular sun & water, and keep the weeds away, it wilts......and eventually dies. You don't want that do you?

There's nothing to discuss really. You don't need to sit down and have some heavy, agonizing, hand-wringing conversation about "where did the sex go.". He wants to feel like he's your number one priority, right? And you want that feeling too, right? Then start showing it. Be home early enough so that you can make dinner together and chit chat about nothing and anything....except work (unless work is upsetting you then go ahead and talk about it). Do not fill every weekend with social engagements. Instead, just hang out together. And I don't mean sitting in the dark at the movies. I mean just being together at home playing backgammon, or sitting on the porch on a sunny day sharing a funny story or talking about a book you are really into. You want to be really, really close friends again. Make sense?

He'll never say it (not voluntarily), but he wants that too. Men die at the thought of articulating this stuff. But we have these feeling too.

Being romantic does not have to be a big, almighty deal. For you two, it may be as simple as having cocoa and roasting marshmallows while you watch "Gray's Anatomy" every Thursday. Or he buys you a single rose every Friday for you to enjoy over the weekend. Some small gesture that you can look forward to that makes you feel cherished. Its actually the small things we do for each other on a daily basis that keep our hearts connected. Don't you think?

I guess I am looking for some suggestions on how to get over my shyness in talking about sex and some ideas on opening up the communication. It sounds crazy but I may be afraid of rejection. I know it will not happen but when I think about talking to him about this, I feel like I would be embarrased or like he would think my ideas were silly.

Do not have some big heavy discussion about sexual dissatisfaction. You want your sexual needs and desires fulfilled? Describe a fantasy you have had that involves him. Something super hot that you think he would get into. One that is so hot that you wanted to self-satisfy thinking about. Something like giving him a BJ while he's driving the car. Or masturbating while having hot, phone sex with him. Or imagining his body is covered in lube and you just want to rub yourself all over him. Something that tells him his shy-awkward-wife has a wanton-inner-vixen" now more than ever...even after 10 years. That will get his attention......in a very, very good way. If he has a pulse & one iota of imagination, he'll be inclined to let you make those a reality. You just have to overcome your shyness once.......every day. Just like you, he wants to feel sexually desirable. So tell him loud and proud why he still floats your boat.

Good luck, D

[pappyld04]

DadT is right about not discussing disappointments, but Iha laid out a pretty good course there. The only part I didn't see, which he may have been holding for a PM, was approaching this without placing blame on either side. Men tend to shut-out everything if they are pointed out as the cause. And accepting the blame yourself may lead to down a different path of discussion. You'll have to make sure and prod him into participating if he doesn't. Honey, I miss making love with you, miss the passion, whatever you are comfortable with and ask him how he feels about that, if he misses it, etc... if he doesn't join in on his own.

Stepping out of your house puts both of you on neutral ground and will allow you to hold hands, talk with no yelling, and hopefully work through this. Wear one of those outfits you know he likes on you, maybe a little something underneath if you choose. The sexier you feel, the more your confidence will come out!

[girl21286]

Thank you all for your advice, suggestions, and kind words. I really do appreciate the help. I am definitely feeling better about my situation. I am going to take some time and really think about your advice, and let it sink in before I decide how I am going to approach the discussion with my husband. Thanks again for all your help.

[DADT]

Thank you all for your advice, suggestions, and kind words. I really do appreciate the help. I am definitely feeling better about my situation. I am going to take some time and really think about your advice, and let it sink in before I decide how I am going to approach the discussion with my husband. Thanks again for all your help.

Spend time with him. Make him feel special in small ways. And he'll want to make you feel special too. Reinforce the idea that he is the most important thing in your life.

[shoupja]

I also liked Iha's advice. Although you may feel your husband is rejecting you, when you discuss the unused gift with him, you MUST accept a portion of the blame (even though you may not want to). If you point the finger of blame completely in his direction, you could turn him off even more. Be sure to give specific examples of where your behavior may have contributed to your current situation, and explain what you would like to do to remedy that.

What do YOU want to do about your relationship and the intimacy you share? If you can answer me when I ask that, then tell him! Tell him how you feel about all of it. Tell him what you told us in the beginning of this thread. Let him know that you are frustrated and you want to make things right, and then remind him that you need his help.

He probably already knows that you are not comfortable when talking about sex, so if you just open up a bit, he should recognize that this means a lot to you. If he doesn't then tell him that too!

I know you said your husband is in school, and I'm guessing he's incredibly busy and stressed also. This will of course contribute to your problems. Why not surprise him with a hot love note stuffed into one of his books/notebooks that he uses on a regular basis? Be sure to use a sticky note or tape it into the page you know he will open that way it doesn't fall out of the book and someone else gets it.

[kjellis]

Issues such as yours are really quite predictable in long term relationships. For some time, he had been 'trained' subtly not to pursue you.

That is sort of the situation that I was describing in my thread about Post Partum Depression. The situation my wife and I are in is that she doesn't have the same sex drive, and for obvious reasons. But to best support her, everything I read said don't push sex or you risk making the situation worse as doubt about if you still love her because she isn't "putting out" creap in with the other questions about herself and what is going on in her life that are already in her head.

The other evening we were sitting on the couch watching Myth Busters (Yeah we are science geeks) and I was playing with her hair and rubbing her neck. Then I felt her hand go down the front of my pyjama pants. Much to her surprise I wasn't hard. Usually sitting playing with her hair and watching Myth Busters I am ready to go...yes I'm a geek. So we head to the bedroom and rock the headboard. Best multiple orgasim sex in a long time. Probably because we hadn't had any in about a month. If not longer. Then she asks me why I didn't wake up last night when she put her hand down my pants when I was sleeping. I said I didn't feel it. Normally that would have got my attention right away.

But since I had been thinking all this time "don't pressure her", I sort of lost interest too. I am hoping that this latest outburst of desire on her part is that the treatment is really starting to work. Then I can get back to my old horndog self