Staying Married For The Wrong Reasons...

[sun_flower969]

Recently I have been talking to a friend who is in a troubled marriage. Now that I think of it, make that a few friends!

One of them had been separated for a bit but ended up going back for the kids and to give it another try. Still miserable however. Instead of trying to work things out they just sort of tolerate the situation for the sake of their family. But I wonder if it is in fact 'for the best'.

Another friend has been married for over a decade. Dealing with the same issues over and over. Finally she snapped and said enough. They are now separated. She says she feels so relieved and even the kids seem happier! He wants to work it out but at this point she is unwilling.

Which is worse! Staying together for the wrong reasons or throwing up your hands and saying I quit?

I found this article which I thought was so awesome! I believe it is an excerpt from a book. I am pasting the article along with the link which shows the book!

Click here!

Staying Married for the Wrong Reasons:

The fact that more than fifty percent of marriages end in divorce is, upon consideration, the lesser of two problems. The greater difficulty is that the majority of intact marriages are far from joyful. Divorce, although tumultuous and potentially scarring, at least provides the potential for better days. Remaining in the lethargy of a deadened marriage, dulled by the loss of hope or the vision of better days, is downright depressing. And yet so many people resign themselves to live in this manner. Many people in such relationships merely give up and don't work on making things better. Although I am by no means glibly promoting divorce, I am advocating that we do everything in our power to awaken our relationships and live authentically.

The Fear Factor

Fear is the great impediment to growth in our relationships and lives. So often, people are afraid of discussing their true feelings with their partners. The range of fear runs the gamut; fear of divorce and its incumbent anxieties or simply the fear of coming to terms with a relationship that may be lacking in intimacy or passion. When one stays married out of fear, the emotional paralysis that occurs further poisons the relationship. Staying married out of resignation, due to apprehension about moving forward, they find themselves in an intense dilemma. They won't contemplate divorce out of fear and they are convinced that the marriage won't improve, so they don't work on the relationship. This is the worst of all possible scenarios. It is being stuck between the proverbial rock and the hard place.

In such circumstances I encourage addressing your fears. The fear of divorce paradoxically eliminates any chance of improvement in the marriage. It produces a state of stagnation and the ensuing frustration which then makes a mediocre marriage even worse. If we can work through the fears around separation, then we are in the marriage not out of fear but from choice. In this state, there is more likelihood that the relationship therapy may begin. Processing fears about divorce are not undertaken necessarily for the purpose of divorcing, but for reasons of coming to clarity. Fear filters our perceptions and co-creates our reality. In that circumstance, the way in which you see your partner is tainted by your anger. This anger has arisen in part because you're feeling stuck and hopeless.

Getting unstuck permits you to either create a healthier relationship or to move on. Either choice may be preferable to remaining unhappy without a glimmer of hope. Fear should never be the deciding factor in your choice, unless you're considering sky diving. Ultimately, the question is what degree of happiness you deserve in your life. It's not selfish to want happiness. In fact, to forgo your own happiness is to model that self-sacrifice to your children, who will likely suffer in their self-esteem by having parents who ignored their own fulfillment. Children tend to model that which they see. To find happiness within your relationship it is essential that you move out of the fear zone and address the issues in your life.

[mystofpric]

I, as a by-product of a few divorces, know that it is a hard thing to watch their parents get divorced, BUT the kids know when things are bad. It's the blind-sided divorces that mess things up. Ya know where everything is good and Cleaver-esque then BAM! Divorce. That being sad, if someone is unhappy, truly unhappy, not just bored or curious about the grass on the other side of the fence, then i say it's time to part ways, kids or no, everyone really will be happier in the long run.

[ladylove]

Wow good one Sunny.

It is my opinion that one should do every thing possible to work things out first. Marriage is hard work, sometimes are harder than others. However if it seem impossible to reconcile or 'live happily ever after' and it's miserable to live in the life you have, then you need to make a change, if that means divorce then yes, I think you need to divorce. The kids are going to me more effected by miserable parents than they will by divorce. I'm not saying divorce is in any way easy on children, but staying together for the sake of the kids is detrimental to their emotional well being not to mention what it will do to your physical and emotional self.

[sun_flower969]

Thanks girls! If you vote please comment so the article will still be seen and not get buried! THANKS!

[synirr]

Relationships are hard work, and if a couple is in a slump simply because they've forgotten that they need to work together as a team, then there's a good chance that relationship can be saved with a lot of effort and possibly some counseling. However, sometimes people can grow apart over time and happiness together as a couple becomes difficult, if not impossible, to obtain. When that's the case I don't think any amount of work will produce the desired results.

[ladylove]

I think this has excellent potential, and would love to read all the different view points people have. What's your?

[sass]

I think that just like everything else in a relationship, each case is different.

I have a friend who has said he will not, under any circumstances, leave his wife until their daughter is at least 18. He came from a broken home and he will not do that to his daughter. While his marriage is not ideal, they do love each other and get along well. He is the type that even if he and his wife hated each other, I truly believe he could hide that from their daughter for her sake. It takes a special type of person (almost with dual personalities) to be able to do that, but I think he could. I do not think this is ideal, and if I were in his shoes, I probably would not be able to do it, but he can.

In general, I don't think that kids are a reason to stay together if everything else in the relationship is bad. Kids are smart and they pick up on things. My parents fought constantly when I was a kid and there were times I wished they would split up. As an adult looking back, I can see why things were the way they were with my parents (long story) and that they really did love each other, they just disagreed a lot.

I think it boils down to doing what is right for you. If you are miserabe, you are going to project that on to kids, spouse, etc.

With all that said, I also think that many people give up too easily. Any relationship is going to take work and in this day and age, in the "disposable society" that we live in, some people think as soon as something starts to get too difficult, it is time to throw it out and get a new one.

[sun_flower969]

I think that just like everything else in a relationship, each case is different.

I think it boils down to doing what is right for you. If you are miserabe, you are going to project that on to kids, spouse, etc.

With all that said, I also think that many people give up too easily. Any relationship is going to take work and in this day and age, in the "disposable society" that we live in, some people think as soon as something starts to get too difficult, it is time to throw it out and get a new one.

OMG so true! But I feel that if you have TRULY and I mean TRULY tried everything and it still sucks... It's crazy to stay and take the abuse! IMO!

[Mikayla1]

Luckily, I am in a marriage that is very secure, loving and fullfilling (for the most part, anyway) - there is no thoughts of divorce.

However, I can still answer this question, in that I was in a relationship that was going no where fast, and I stayed. many people do that, in a dating relationship. It is not always easier to 'leave' in a dating relationship, over a marriage.

I think that many people stay together for a variety of reasons:

(1) Kids

(2) Loneliness

(3) Trust that things will get better

(4) Fear

(5) Depression

(6) Feeling you are not worthy for anything better or more fullfilling

When marriages or relationships change due to stresses, it is not always easy to regain them. When certain things happen, people fall apart and sometimes can not find their way back to happiness. So, when this happens, is there a 'duty' to continue to and be unhappy indefinitely? I submit, no.

I believe in trying to make things work. I believe in counseling. I believe in interventions, education, different tactics. However, I also believe in saying enough is enough! That is why I voted that it is sometimes important to let things go, move on and find happiness. How can we possibly know what the future holds for us? Do we stay and waste the one life we have? No. We try the best we can to make it worth, but know when to say goodbye...

[sun_flower969]

Luckily, I am in a marriage that is very secure, loving and fullfilling (for the most part, anyway) - there is no thoughts of divorce.

However, I can still answer this question, in that I was in a relationship that was going no where fast, and I stayed. many people do that, in a dating relationship. It is not always easier to 'leave' in a dating relationship, over a marriage.

I think that many people stay together for a variety of reasons:

(1) Kids

(2) Loneliness

(3) Trust that things will get better

(4) Fear

(5) Depression

(6) Feeling you are not worthy for anything better or more fullfilling

When marriages or relationships change due to stresses, it is not always easy to regain them. When certain things happen, people fall apart and sometimes can not find their way back to happiness. So, when this happens, is there a 'duty' to continue to and be unhappy indefinitely? I submit, no.

I believe in trying to make things work. I believe in counseling. I believe in interventions, education, different tactics. However, I also believe in saying enough is enough! That is why I voted that it is sometimes important to let things go, move on and find happiness. How can we possibly know what the future holds for us? Do we stay and waste the one life we have? No. We try the best we can to make it worth, but know when to say goodbye...

I don't think I could possibly agree more!!!!! UGH number 6, so TRUE!

[nic]

I dont post too much. But this thread really spoke to me. I emailed my friend a link to it b/c it is often one of our conversations. She said it was written for me.

I voted that life was too short. Wish I could take my own advice...

I dont think staying married in a bad (or even not stellar) relationship does anyone a good service. Kids learn from the people they are around. Whether its abuse or just not receiving the affection and love they deserve. Not to say that trying to work it out isnt good, but again, you have to know when to go.

[sun_flower969]

I dont post too much. But this thread really spoke to me. I emailed my friend a link to it b/c it is often one of our conversations. She said it was written for me.

I voted that life was too short. Wish I could take my own advice...

I dont think staying married in a bad (or even not stellar) relationship does anyone a good service. Kids learn from the people they are around. Whether its abuse or just not receiving the affection and love they deserve. Not to say that trying to work it out isnt good, but again, you have to know when to go.

Glad it spoke to you and hope it does to more like you! Sorry for your pain! We are here to help!

[nic]

Glad it spoke to you and hope it does to more like you! Sorry for your pain! We are here to help!

Thank you. I really like coming on TT and reading other opinions. It helps open my eyes a bit. This article in particular has helped me move things along.

[sun_flower969]

Thank you. I really like coming on TT and reading other opinions. It helps open my eyes a bit. This article in particular has helped me move things along.

That makes me so happy. I have not been posting for awhile and to know that this helped even one person reminds me why I do come here. Best wishes to you!