Just Not Getting It...

[Marzipan]

Let me just start off, by saying, this usually doesn’t bother me, in fact I usually don't even think about it, but sometimes I can’t help but get moody and depressed about my situation.

With that said, my husband and I got into a small argument (what we consider an argument anyway) this morning about his disinterest in giving.

I’ve always liked oral sex, just the idea of a guy doing that turns me on so much, but my husband isn’t into it. In the past, I’ve asked him what I should do to make it better for him. I’ve tried every trick in to book, shaving (even though I despise doing it because of the itching), eating nothing but fruits and veggies for a whole day, flavored lubes, barriers and right after a shower, and almost every other trick I can find. None of it works. He’s just so stubborn about it because he says it’s gross. I’ve asked him what was so bad, and for every reason he gave I had a solution, but he’s just not willing to do it, or even compromise.

I’m just so frustrated at this point, it’s becoming hurtful. I love going down on him, I love watching him squirm and tense up when I’m doing something he enjoys, but I just don’t understand why he doesn’t want to do it for me. I’ve pointed this out to him but he simply says, he’d never ask me to do it if I didn’t enjoy it, so my argument there isn’t even applicable. I just wish he’d just do it anyway, I can count on one hand the number of times he’s done it, but only once did he ever finish. It’s not like I even want it every day, once or twice a month would be fine, anything at all would be fine at this point.

Is there anything I can do to bring him around? Or should I just do the guy thing and get over it?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I really hope I didn’t make him sound like too much of an ass. He’s really pretty awesome, besides this one hang up. It’s just aggravating.

[Guest eminatic]

stop going down on him and tell him he's gross. see how he likes it.

[Mikayla1]

I agree with Em, but do it more tackfully. First, there is nothing gross about oral sex. His disinterest in it because it is gross holds no water with me. I mean, come on now. Sex (if you think about it) is sort of 'gross' in that there is a mixing of fluids, and the act itself (putting your genitals together in that way) could be discerned as gross. Oral sex for a man too, puttting his penis in your mouth and sucking on his balls - gross? Come on, you know I am being sarcastic. I think the real reason is, he is lazy. He wants to get off without doing any work!

I have only been with one man like this. Went down on me like a champ the first time we had sex. Then, he just sort of stopped. Said it was 'not his thing.' Uh, OK, so I told him that giving BJs was not MY thing. He changed his tune, for a while. Then, he stopped again. He eventually told me that giving oral sex is too much work, why can't I have my orgasms during sex alone???

So, I think you have to do as the other ladies suggested. Tell him that you are not giving, unless you are getting. You find nothing gross about it. Now, if he says 'OK' and all he wants to do is fuck,. then you have another issue. Then you have to attack it in another way. He needs to know that this is healthy and makes you happy and it is natural, intimate and arousing. Also tell him that him saying it is gross hurts your feelings. There is nothing dirty or gross about a woman's vagina or scent - he needs to get over it!

[dscn]

well said mik a man's women's scent is so erotic and so sweet I absolutely love going down on my dw. him saying it is gross is an real insult to you his wife. he needs to check that attitude about that. that orgasm and pleasure he is holding back from you. not fair please talk to him. If you stop giving him head I think he might change his mind pretty quick because head is really good and I bet you give him the best and if you stop he will miss that real quick

[ohshelly]

I like your response, Mikayla.

[Marzipan]

I never really thought he was lazy in bed, he always makes sure I'm satisfied with everything else.

Personally I never liked the idea of withholding sex, of any kind, I just think it's an awful thing to do and would only make the situation worse in most cases.

I tried talking to him about it again. It was more relaxed this time, but we are both still pretty set on our sides of the argument. Perhaps I should take your guys advice and hope it works without causing more problems.

I had more to say but I'm not quite sure how to best articulate it.

[Guest eminatic]

Personally I never liked the idea of withholding sex, of any kind, I just think it's an awful thing to do and would only make the situation worse in most cases.

but is he not withholding from you?

[Mikayla1]

but is he not withholding from you?

BINGO!!!

I don't advocate 'withholding' sex as punishment. I don't. However, I sure as shit won't be sucking my man's cock if he won't go down on me. It is just not fair. You are obviously hurt by it, you want it, you like having it done (or you would not be here looking for advice, right?) So, you are entitled (for lack of a better word) to have it.

How, exactly, does he make sure you are taken care of in other ways? He may legitimately think that oral sex is gross, and if he does, it is now your job to teach him that it isn't. Listen, I dated a man who had a horrific sexual experience with a baby sitter making him perform oral. he didn't want to perform oral. None. I taught him how much gratification HE could get by giving to ME. Try that route. Explain how much it turns you on, how it makes yuou want to just eat him up. See what happens.

[Marzipan]

True, he is, but he's still a good man. He supports me in everything else I do, in bed and out. While I do find the situation troubling, thats no reason to treat an otherwise good man poorly.

I find it worrysome that most of the replys seem to show people sitting on the "What a selfish jerk!" side of this issue, when I look at this as more of a hang up.

Fighting fire with fire, shouldn't apply here. There has to be a less vindictive way around this.

@Mikayla

he's just very good at everything else he does ^^

but I like the second idea, I will try to coax him that way.

[mystofpric]

Less vindictive? Okay, tell him how much you find it insulting that he thinks your gross. Ask him, hypothetically, how he would feel in your situation. expect the "it wouldn't bother me" answer. And then when that doesn't help, because it likely won't because he has no idea what it's liek to be in your shoes. start weening him off the BJs. They aren't talking about being vindictive at all, they are talking more about role-reversal. Helping him to see your POV by literally putting him in your place. When he finally asked what's up, just tell him it's not fun any more. Vindictive would be telling him its gross but practicing your bjs on a toy. That would be vindictive.

[ManofHerdreams]

Is there anything I can do to bring him around? Or should I just do the guy thing and get over it?

Believe me, guys don't just get over it either even though we may act as if we do.

Reverse your situation and you'll have a picture of mine. After way too many years of trying. I just gave up

[sun_flower969]

I wonder if it is a maturity issue... You are 22 how old is he? Maybe he is inexperienced in this area and feels insecure that he isn't doing it right also.

As far as the gross out factor, yeah, like Mikayla said he needs to get over it. Honestly I think my husband may have had issues with "going down" in the beginning of our marriage as well. But over time those inhibitions went out the window. Do you guys watch porn? If you do does he get aroused seeing a guy go down on a girl? Maybe if he did see that kind of thing he would start to take more of an interest. (I KNOW here's ME advocating porn but well hey!) Talk to him about how much you enjoy it and that it's natural! Tell him how you love (hopefully true! ) doing it to him...

Hangups are a hard thing to beat. I think if you can talk it out and he can come to realize that it is natural, most guys DO enjoy doing this... and how much you enjoy it, eventually he will come around.

have him come here and read posts guys have written about oral sex... That may get him thinking also!

Good luck to you!

[Mikayla1]

Believe me, guys don't just get over it either even though we may act as if we do.

Reverse your situation and you'll have a picture of mine. After way too many years of trying. I just gave up

Sorry to hear this Man.

The truth is, this is a two way street. It just is. While you don't want to be vindictive, and you want to approach it with a bit of sensitivity, you can not go a whole marriage without it and feel 'complete' if it is something you want and enjoy. The longer you go without it, and let him 'get away with' not doing it, then the harder it will be to get him to do it.

Right now your man has the best of it - he gets to have YOU blow him, he gets sex - what more does he need? Most men LOVE to give oral pleasure. It is a visual turn on for them, it is great to give pleasure, and it is sexy and intimate. Oral sex is more intimate than sex. So, you are missing out on that pleasure.

I agree with Sun, he may be immature and inexperienced when it comes to this. You have to teach him to do it. You have to insist on it. Withholding BJ from him just sends the message that sex is about equality. You want to get what you give.

Have you tried a 69? Perhaps if he is getting his he will be more apt to give a little. Or, tell him that you don't need it EVERY time, but maybe once in 3 times. That may help take some pressure off.

Also, please understand, no one is saying he is a 'bad guy' because of this. We are just saying that if you desire this, and it bothers you (and it does) then it will just get worse over time, and you eventually will resent him for it, if you don't already.

[synirr]

...I look at this as more of a hang up.

Maybe so, but the sooner you get him to understand your side of things the sooner he'll get over his "hang up", IMO. I'd be really hurt if my partner ever told me my vulva is "gross" in any way, and you need to get him to understand that the way he feels about this situation is not ok with you.

[square]

one thought, here . . . with my wife, the scent and taste "down there" vary during the month, tending to get stronger as the month goes by between periods. If you can find a time of the month where scent and taste are mild, maybe he would be more willing to try at those times. Maybe fresh out of the shower would help, too.

When I was new, I was really not that into giving oral, but over time that changed into thoroughly loving it, even prefering the times of stronger taste and scent.

[sun_flower969]

one thought, here . . . with my wife, the scent and taste "down there" vary during the month, tending to get stronger as the month goes by between periods. If you can find a time of the month where scent and taste are mild, maybe he would be more willing to try at those times. Maybe fresh out of the shower would help, too.

When I was new, I was really not that into giving oral, but over time that changed into thoroughly loving it, even prefering the times of stronger taste and scent.

See! Maturity! I am telling ya!

[Marzipan]

I have good news!

We talked agian and I told him exactly how it made me feel and that I really do need this from time to time since I won't go to anyone else for it.

He's agreed to give it another shot (or several ), and even seems optimisic about it, considering his previous reluctance.

I feel like we've made a huge step in the right direction.

I've really appreciated some of the more recent advice, thanks guys!

[Mikayla1]

Good for you!!! So glad he is willing to talk about it, now let's see if he does it!

[square]

. . . and that I really do need this from time to time since I won't go to anyone else for it. . . .

Oh, well. For Plan B, I was going to suggest you get a girlfriend. I guess that's a non-starter.

[Kitamure]

My hubs has the same hang up unfortunately and is adamant that there is nothing he can to do change his inability to go down on me. I honestly think it's because of his misfortune of going down on me for the first time without knowing I was on the rag (as mentioned in the worst sex thread). It's an extremely sensitive subject for the both of us and after bringing it up we both end up feeling guilty. He feels inadequate and incapable of meeting this need. But I know he has the ability to and has exercised such deft ability in random instances. Let's face it we're both noobs when it comes to sex. Oral or otherwise. I think rather than bringing it up constantly in nonsexy situations I'm going to try breaching the subject when we're both in a rather steamy mind set. The few instances when he has gone down on me is when he absolutely blinded by want. Methinks I'm going to try harder to get him into that so-horny-that-yes-i-think-i-will-eat-that-split-faced-hair-shark and opting for positions of mutual oral potential hoping he'll get the idea to go for the gash. But the times when he is so consumed in his lust are so random and I have no bloody idea how it happens. I know I turn on my hubs. But I don't know how to turn him on, if that makes sense. Our sex is great but I don't know how to properly seduce the guy to the point of mind blowing horniness.

Help the noob! Please

[ladylove]

My hubs has the same hang up unfortunately and is adamant that there is nothing he can to do change his inability to go down on me. I honestly think it's because of his misfortune of going down on me for the first time without knowing I was on the rag (as mentioned in the worst sex thread). It's an extremely sensitive subject for the both of us and after bringing it up we both end up feeling guilty. He feels inadequate and incapable of meeting this need. But I know he has the ability to and has exercised such deft ability in random instances. Let's face it we're both noobs when it comes to sex. Oral or otherwise. I think rather than bringing it up constantly in nonsexy situations I'm going to try breaching the subject when we're both in a rather steamy mind set. The few instances when he has gone down on me is when he absolutely blinded by want. Methinks I'm going to try harder to get him into that so-horny-that-yes-i-think-i-will-eat-that-split-faced-hair-shark and opting for positions of mutual oral potential hoping he'll get the idea to go for the gash. But the times when he is so consumed in his lust are so random and I have no bloody idea how it happens. I know I turn on my hubs. But I don't know how to turn him on, if that makes sense. Our sex is great but I don't know how to properly seduce the guy to the point of mind blowing horniness.

Help the noob! Please

This is a good quetion for a new subject..

[Marzipan]

I have fantastic news!

He has gone down on me three times this week! He even suggested it last night out of nowhere.

I am just estatic. I know he's not super comfortable with it all yet, but I think since seeing what it does to me, he's getting enjoyment out of it, instead of feeling gross.

[sass]

I have fantastic news!

He has gone down on me three times this week! He even suggested it last night out of nowhere.

I am just estatic. I know he's not super comfortable with it all yet, but I think since seeing what it does to me, he's getting enjoyment out of it, instead of feeling gross.

Great news - let's hope it just keeps getting better!

[duey1963]

i cant live without going down on my wife. I love it and love how it makes her feel

[shdowulf39]

I'm like you are Dwane.To me going down on my SO is as much a part of the sexual act as kissing.Now I don't do it every time.But alot more often than not.