Women - Knock It Off!

[Mikayla1]

OK, let me begin this thread by saying, 'I know damn well I am gonna piss some women off and I don't care!'

Backstory: I have a very, very good male friend. You can say he is one of my best friends. He is married, has 2 kids, works full time AND works a side job. His wife works part time and of course, takes care of the kids. The kids are 5 and 8. They have been married 15 years.

For the last 3 years, 'Joe' gets sex MAYBE once a month - MAYBE. THe longest they have gone is 4 months - with NOTHING! No foreplay, no blowjobs, no handjobs - N O T H I N G!

Yes, they have seen a sex and marriage counselor - both together and separately. YES, the counselor told them that intimacy as well as sex is important. YES, it got better for about a month or two after that. Yes, they went to another counselor and SHE told his wife that sex is important, healthy and YES, EXPECTED in marriage! It didn't get better.

He confided in me that she told him 'I just don't want sex, I could go the rest of my life without it!'

He loves her - LOVES HER - BUT, he is NOT gonna go the rest of his life sexless. He can't, he won't. He told her this. I told her this. Others have told her this. She says, 'I could care less, sex is something I like.'

To clarify: she has never been abused, she has never been raped, she was not molested. They had fantastic sex for about the first year of their marriage. She knows how to orgasm, she masturbates (not regularly), she has sex toys (provided by yours truly). However, it started to wean then came to a screeching HALT! It started to wean before they had the kids. It got worse - much worse - after.

To our knowledge, she is not lesbian or bi-sexual. She is not cheating on him that can be traced (and he hired a PI to follow her last year)

'Joe' really loves sex. He wants to have sex. He wants to have sex with his WIFE. He is not a selfish lover. He loves oral sex, he is not opposed to sex toys, he will go slow with her. He wants to make her feel good. She doesn't care.

THIS PISSES ME OFF!!!

Here is a man, a good man - a hardworking man. Who loves his wife. Wants to please his wife. He loves sex. He wants to share that with his wife. He is willing to do whatever it takes. He has made special dates, gotten hotel rooms, booked massages, arranged for babysitters. He has done EVERYTHING that I know how to seduce and relax her.

Why the FUCK is she withholding? They get along great outside of the bedroom, they are friends, good parents - everything outside of the bedroom seems great! WHY NO SEX???

I hate, hate, hate - H A T E - when women do this? What right do YOU have to not give sex to your husband if you love and respect him? What can possibly hold you back if you have no issues (like abuse) to confuse your mind? Why marry the guy, give him great sex for a few years and then say, 'naw, don't want to?'

Do you NOT understand what marriage is? Do you NOT understand how sex is important to YOU and to HIM? Do you think it is fair to close your legs and just say, 'sorry, pussy is closed, go whack off?'

Seriously, I think women like this are disgusting. I like 'Joe's' wife. I do. She is so sweet. I have talked to her till I was blue in the face - nothing makes a difference!

I think women like this are selfish bitches who just don't want to put in the effort. I feel sorry for Joe - and I was the first one to tell him - go get sex somewhere else, divorce her, leave her. IF you have tried everything don'e be unhappy any more!

OK, I think I am done now! I hope she comes and reads this. And YOU know who YOU are!!!

She just doesn't want to have sex.

[chloegirl]

I agree with you 100%!!! And it goes both ways too! I know women like this too. And they actually have the nerve to think that their spouse is supposed to just live without it from now on and act all morally offended when they finally give up and go looking for it somewhere else. Sad situation....that kind of stupidity and selfishness is what causes so much pain and troublel in these relationships but they usually want to get all self-rightious and pull the "I've been the perfect wife, how could he do this to me" line and blame him when it was her selfishness that pushed it to that point. Smarten up....a spouse is more than just a room-mate and a paycheck!

[mailahn97]

I agree it is not fair for a spouse to withold it. I have been on the end of this with an ex that could care less about sex. He could go 6 months or more and not even care about having it. Then I would throw a fit about it so he woudl act interested a bit and then it would dwindle away again. Same thing he does not have a past that would cause this. He was fine when we first got together. I don't get how when you throw a fit they are able to then and have no problems or issues but then it is forgotten again. To me that is bullshit.

I just don't get how you marry someone and can not be commited to them COMPLETELY. There are so m any great men and women out there that are in marriages and are not getting what they deserve. I can see if they are being abusive toward their partner and trying to force them but that also is not the case.

It is ashame that people in these types of situations can't think of something that their spouse really enjoys and take it away from they for an extended period of time and see how they feel. Yes you say they are happy in all other aspects and I know people like this but to me you are not TRULY happy in your life and with your partner if you are not in each others lives completely in and out of the bedroom.

I totally agree with you Mik and Chloe. I know it took me a while to say the hell with it and do what was right for me. I hope that others can eventually do the same. I know it is scary as it is a huge change in life if you get divorced or go looking elsewhere but in the end it will be worth it as the person deserves to be happy.

[angelkisses98]

I am not normally one to support this. However, I could not blame him for leaving or going elsewhere. Has he told her straight up that either she starts contributing in the bedroom or he's going to go elsewhere for it?

[ladylove]

I agree with you a 100%!

Someone needs to club this women over her head and say 'JUST DO IT'! That's right. To bad you 'just don't feel like it', do it because you love/respect your husband and want to please him; And by god don't just lay there like a receptacle if you do!

He'll walk, just wait and see it may not be today or tomorrow, but he'll figure out what he has and what he needs are no longer with this women.

M, I think your going to get more support than you think. Sex is a vital part of an adult relationship!

[sun_flower969]

I KNOW!!!!! I don't understand this crap either!! Except maybe her libido? Insecurities etc?? Who knows. I wonder if things would change if he had an affair or left her. Then she would see what she has and maybe make the effort to keep him!

[ladylove]

I KNOW!!!!! I don't understand this crap either!! Except maybe her libido? Insecurities etc?? Who knows. I wonder if things would change if he had an affair or left her. Then she would see what she has and maybe make the effort to keep him!

I think an affair is about what wrong with your relationship; not about seeing what you have.....

[square]

But if you don't like doing something, you can't just flip a switch and start liking it, can you? So what is the answer?

Also, He loves HER, but does SHE love HIM?

One other thought; if my wife didn't like sex but did it anyway for my benefit, I think that would take a lot away from it for me. Part of the enjoyment is turning her on and making her happy.

[pinki]

I have a friend in the same exact situation!! Great guy but his wife is just not interested in sex at all either. And he's always online late night watching porn to relieve himself because even though he's been tempted he's never broke his vows.

Very sad, I don't understand it either.

[littlefriend]

Has she went on a new birth control during this time?? Does she have a great gyno that she could tell this to and has she had her hormones checked. I can tell you from experience that this can and will effect your sex level and drive. No, it is not right to withhold from your spouse, but no one can rightly judge the situation. There could be something major going on that niether of them are aware of yet.

If he loves her, then she is worth staying and fighting thru this situation. Not everyone has the same sex drive OR at the same time. My body was screwed up for YEARS and I thank God for a very loving husband who stood by my side through all of this.

He is finally getting his rewards!! lol

[Mikayla1]

Thanks for all the comments Ladies and gents....

OK, here is some answers to some questions that were posed...

Yes, she loves him. She has told me and him that she is completely in love with him. She thinks he is a great man, her best friend, a great dad. She loves him.

She said she still finds him attractive. She has 'attraction' for him, in that she likes to cuddle with him, kiss him (nothing passionate) and be with him.

She told me that she still has a sex drive. When she gets 'the urge' she masturbates. She said she gets aroused, she just doesn't want sex. Not with him, not with anyone. She basically told him (and me) that sex is just not 'her thing' and she feels like she can be intimate with him without the sex. She never gave oral (and that is another subject all together!) and she doesn't want him to watch her masturbate or to be involved in her private time.

She likes to orgasm, she says it feels good. She almost has the 'sex is too much work' mentality.

So, in this situation, I am not sure where to proceed. I have talked until I am blue in the face. She doesn't want to lose him, but she said it would be plain wrong for him to leave because of lack of sex (huh? what?)

I feel soooo bad for my friend. I really don't want them to split up - but come on now....this is just plain ridiculous!

[angelkisses98]

Well, if she does not want to lose him, which is what is going to happen eventually she better step it up and get with the program. If he does leave, she has noone to blame but herself. She does not even seem to care or to want to even try to fix the situation.

[Sunday]

But if you don't like doing something, you can't just flip a switch and start liking it, can you? So what is the answer?

Also, He loves HER, but does SHE love HIM?

One other thought; if my wife didn't like sex but did it anyway for my benefit, I think that would take a lot away from it for me. Part of the enjoyment is turning her on and making her happy.

I agree 100%. If she's not into it, she's not into it and nothing is going to make her like it. Laying there like a cum dumpster isn't going to satisfy either of them and if she tries to fake it he'll see through it. The guy has to decide whether the good things about their life together outweigh the pain and frustration of a life-long marriage with this important piece missing. Tough choice, but if he decides to leave he's totally justified.

[littlefriend]

Well, if she has the drive and the ability to perform, then there is a big problem. I can't understand why in the world she would deny her husband if she does love him. That is insane!

[angelkisses98]

And further more, she can't claim the poor wife either. If she is able to become aroused and masturbate, then there is no reason why she can't physically be with her husband. I think she's selfish. If she did not become aroused our masturbate then, yeah, I can say she has an honest issue. But, this is not the case. I mean she is claiming to love this man, and if you love someone you do anything in your power to show that love and to make them happy. Expecting the man to basically roll over and accept it is total bullshit.

[Shoop]

K, seriously, I think I am friends with JOE. Only in my case his name is Matt. Matt loves his wife, he loves ORAL with his wife, he does EVERYTHING to make HER happy (nearly insanely so)...she RARELY sleeps with him and has gone as far as kissing another man and she told him about it...Matt was upset, but not angry. He just LOVES his wife. This guy gets so little sex that he doesn't remember it (nearly). And he would NEVER cheat on her. Poor Matt.

I LIKE his wife but I get very angry too. This guy is one of my best friends. I hate that she withholds sex with him when he does SOOOOOOO much to make her happy. I just don't understand it.

Seriously (not that I would ever do this) I think that is I was ever dating my friend he'd not be able to HANDLE me I'd give him so much sex. I mean this in a figurative way as I'm not interested in him that way, but if I was WITH him, he'd get it...

[Guest eminatic]

so.....she should force herself to let him have sex with her on a regular basis?

since he "loves" her, you would think he might be able to accept that she doesnt like sex...some people truly aren't interested, and trying to push it on them is only going to result in a buildup of resentment.

i would hate to be trapped in a situation where something i didn't like was EXPECTED of me all the time. maybe what he really "loves" is having sex with her

[mystofpric]

so.....she should force herself to let him have sex with her on a regular basis?

since he "loves" her, you would think he might be able to accept that she doesnt like sex...some people truly aren't interested, and trying to push it on them is only going to result in a buildup of resentment.

She should be willing and in fact WANT to please her partner. Sex is a normal and healthy part of a marriage. I personally smell BS written all over this. She gets off by herself and hates sex but won't even let him masturbate with her (not sex, mutual masturbation)? Anyone else think this reeks of shit? Its not about forcing herself to do something she doesn't like, it's about wanting to please your mate. It's about wanting to have a normal and healthy relationship.

i would hate to be trapped in a situation where something i didn't like was EXPECTED of me all the time. maybe what he really "loves" is having sex with her

I hate to say it Em, but you say very much you hate sex, your going to have a very hard time in a relationship if your not willing to at least make the effort to enjoy it with your SO. And it's not expected all the time, but once in a while. It's like when a guy goes the ballet instead of watching the big game. It's a sacrifice you make for your SOs happiness, something you should WANT to do. She should want to see her husband happy and not suffering because she doesn't like something. You make concessions and you find a way. My guess? She's cheating.

I'm not trying to pick a fight in any way.

[Guest eminatic]

the guy freaking hired a PI to follow her around, obviously they have deeper issues besides her just not wanting to have sex.

you shouldn't have to sacrifice who you are for someone who claims to "love" you. if they love you then they shouldnt want you to change who you are.

[mailahn97]

There are a few things I see with this. She says she has a sex drive, gets aroused and mastubrates but doesn't want sex. She I hate to say it she sounds lazy. As it sounds like she wants the quick fix of masturbation instead of making love with her partner which takes work and effort. Yes he hired a PI. I don't blame him. He has tried to fix it via counseling, special things and such. Yes a person can tell their spouse they are faithful but it can be that they are not. I have been through that and through searching found out otherwise. Not many people are gonna freely admit it when asked by their partner. He is trying everything to make it work and she just isn't.

In thinking she apparently was into sex enough to have it in order to have her children and I highly doubt they only had sex twice in order to conceive them.

I don't feel someone should be forced, but come on something isn't right here. He deserves to be emotionally, mentally and physically happy with his partner. If one part is missing it starts causing the rest to crumble.

The sad thing is that it isn't only women doing this men are as well, but women seem to be the ones doing it the most. I don't get that you go to a counselor and are fine for a bit after and than the lightswitch goes off again. In other cases the partners sit down and talk about it or they feel like they are losing the other one in some way so all of a sudden they are into sex and sometimes even initiating it. It baffles me.

I am sorry I think he has tried everything and needs to move on. How many years are you expected to just go without and remain happy? Yes he can please himself but that is not the same as the intimate pleasure you get when making love to your partner and the connection you share through that. She needs to get off her lazy ass and be there 100% for her spouse or move aside and let him be 100% happy elsewhere. It may seem harsh but I tried working through it for close to 5 years and it went no where. I did the same thing trying everything and nothing worked. Now it is my time. I was too damn young to live that way and I bet he is as well.

I hope the best for them and it is ashame when people have to go through this.

[dscn]

yes EM he did if you have a spouse and said they love you and care for you but don't want to have sex with you would you not wonder if they were cheating and don't tell me you wouldn't because I know 90% of the people here would do it damn I would do it. I am going on the lines that you don't like sex. He is not forcing her but sex and affection is need in a marriage both ways. what if he starts treating her cold and giving her the cold shoulder she would not like that and to withhold sex when nothing is wrong with your is not good. That there will cause big problems. He is not trying to change her when they got married they were having sex then she stops she should have told him before they got married that she was not into sex and it was going to stop after awhile it seems to me she just wanted to get married and have kids and then that it close the kitchen (pussy) which is not cool. For a man to here that your wife don't want to have sex with you is very hurtfull and kills his self asteem. You have a women at home and you can pleasure her or touch her is just wrong.

[mystofpric]

Well said both Shorty and DCSN.

The problem lies with her, just as it would lie with him if HE didn't want to have sex. Remember Sex and the City, Charolette's first husband was like this. He told her he couldn't and it turns out he was wanking off the whole time. As I recall that ended in divorce over that.

The thing is SHE lied to him by leading him to believe she enjoys sex and wants to experience it with her. They had a healthy sex life and then she turned it off. Maybe it's a postpartum thing. I doubt it though. She really needs to be looking at herself and wondering why her husband, the man that she supposedly loves, happiness doesn't matter to her.

As someone who enjoys sex and doesn't get sex I know that I am not happy with that aspect of my life and it must be million times worst for him as he has a partner.

[mailahn97]

Well said both Shorty and DCSN.

The problem lies with her, just as it would lie with him if HE didn't want to have sex. Remember Sex and the City, Charolette's first husband was like this. He told her he couldn't and it turns out he was wanking off the whole time. As I recall that ended in divorce over that.

The thing is SHE lied to him by leading him to believe she enjoys sex and wants to experience it with her. They had a healthy sex life and then she turned it off. Maybe it's a postpartum thing. I doubt it though. She really needs to be looking at herself and wondering why her husband, the man that she supposedly loves, happiness doesn't matter to her.

As someone who enjoys sex and doesn't get sex I know that I am not happy with that aspect of my life and it must be million times worst for him as he has a partner.

As far as the postpartum thing I doubt as well because she still masturbates and gets aroused. I can't imagine sleeping next to a partner or being near a partner that you love and care about but can not or just will not make love with or be completely intimate with because you just don't feel like it. Sorry that is just wrong when there isn't a medical reason for it. Hell even still why can't she at least please him in some ways if she isn't into sex.

[mystofpric]

As far as the postpartum thing I doubt as well because she still masturbates and gets aroused. I can't imagine sleeping next to a partner or being near a partner that you love and care about but can not or just will not make love with or be completely intimate with because you just don't feel like it. Sorry that is just wrong when there isn't a medical reason for it. Hell even still why can't she at least please him in some ways if she isn't into sex.

The bigger question is why doesn't she want to? Me thinks someone needs some serious conseuling.

[Sunday]

the guy freaking hired a PI to follow her around, obviously they have deeper issues besides her just not wanting to have sex.

you shouldn't have to sacrifice who you are for someone who claims to "love" you. if they love you then they shouldnt want you to change who you are.

That cuts both ways. She wants to change him into a eunuch. Is it because she loves him, or because he provides all the other comforts of being a couple?