Lack Of Sex

[RikaLovesDie]

I've seen a few postings here and there regarding husbands dealing with wives that aren't fulfilling their needs. I actually have quite the opposite issue. I had posted about this previously, but it's been...guy, maybe a year since I've posted on this forum, so I figure it's about time for an update.

My husband and I have struggled with our sexual relationship from the start. I'd just come out of an overly sexual relationship and admitted that I wanted something more than just sex from him. However, when I was ready to make sex part of our relationship (about 3 months in) he dodged me constantly. By the time I finally got him into it enough he lost his erection when I asked him to get a condom, which I took very hard. We finally managed to go all the way a few months later (6 months in) after which point I got pregnant. I would say that our sexual awkwardness roots from the fact that most of our sexual experience came from during our pregnancy, but I struggled enough to get laid before that happened.

Six months after our son was born we got married. Sex was and has been sporadic with breaks ranging from a few days to several months. On average I would say I'm lucky if I get laid once a month. My husband claims that he's not interested in sex. He does have sexual desires, but he can't bring himself to act on them because he was raised to NEVER make the first move (which I think is stupid). He's incredibly submissive and struggles in any position other than having me on top. I've FINALLY convinced him to enjoy receiving oral because apparently I'm just better at it than his previous girlfriends (nice ego boost), but he still persists in turning me down regularly.

On one occasion I straddled him in bed, while he was naked, and started to kiss and bite at his neck--I got no reaction out of him whatsoever and when I questioned him about it later he said the thought didn't even cross his mind. And this isn't recent behavior. He's been this way for as long as I can remember. It's like he's missing the part of him that's supposed to react to sexiness and allure.

It's proven to be emotionally trying for me, and it's gotten harder for me to take initiative in our relationship now because he's turned me down so many times. With my ex-bf all I had to do was wear a skirt with a garter and no panties and he was practically jumping me before we could even get out of the car. But with my husband I've tried telling him out-right, flirting, dressing sexy... I just can't seem to get a rise out of him.

[shdowulf39]

first off how old is your hubby?if he is in his 50's he might have lost some of his sex drive.if as you describe he ever had any to begin with.then with his upbringing and what he was taught you might need to go to a councelor to get him over that.somehow you need to convince him sex is fun and enjoyable.

good luck....and think about the councelor idea.

[raniedaize]

Perhaps it's not so much that he's "not interested in sex"--as you did say "he does have sexual desires"--but that the part which is "supposed to react to sexiness and allure" just doesn't feel free and secure enough to do so. If he grew up in an ultra-conservative, overly controlling, sexually oppressive, and/or abusive family environment, he may instinctively feel as if sexual enjoyment is a thing to be loathed instead of loved. Going against the grain of being "raised to NEVER make the first move" can be tremendously difficult, and fighting to allow certain enjoyments that were previously forbidden can create great discomfort and pressure that could easily result in loss of erection and lack of activity.

(If it does stem back to his upbringing, a counselor may be a good idea.....or buying handcuffs/whip for HIM to use on YOU--lightly, of course-- to work on and push through his issues of dominance. Just a thought )

[RikaLovesDie]

Perhaps it's not so much that he's "not interested in sex"--as you did say "he does have sexual desires"--but that the part which is "supposed to react to sexiness and allure" just doesn't feel free and secure enough to do so. If he grew up in an ultra-conservative, overly controlling, sexually oppressive, and/or abusive family environment, he may instinctively feel as if sexual enjoyment is a thing to be loathed instead of loved. Going against the grain of being "raised to NEVER make the first move" can be tremendously difficult, and fighting to allow certain enjoyments that were previously forbidden can create great discomfort and pressure that could easily result in loss of erection and lack of activity.

(If it does stem back to his upbringing, a counselor may be a good idea.....or buying handcuffs/whip for HIM to use on YOU--lightly, of course-- to work on and push through his issues of dominance. Just a thought )

My husband is a sweet, affectionate man who is very caring and wonderfully enticing in bed (when eventually provoked). He's a few years younger than myself, having turned 23 earlier this year. By normal standards he'd likely be considered in his sexual prime.

His upbringing was remarkably free and loving. His parents are both wonderfully admirable people who are openly affectionate with one another and equally so to their children. He's the oldest of three children, and from what I can tell, the favorite by far. He lost his virginity at the reasonable age of 14 and hasn't experienced any abuse, sexual or otherwise, that I'm aware of. My opinion of his inability to initiate sex is that he takes rules in the strictest regard and will not bend when given a direct order (which is why he's going into the military and believe he's going to be a wonderful success). I simply believe that when his father told him to respect a girl and let her make the first move, he took it literally and now can't bring himself to initiate sexual contact because it's in direct conflict to the rule he was given.

He's very...logical in that sense. If you're a geek (like myself) you could easily liken him to Spock of Star Trek or Dr Manhattan of Watchmen. It's always been difficult for him to see outside of the box that was derived by others and his own personally implemented limitations.

I would love to take him into counseling, couples or otherwise, but his current endeavors into the military restricts that for the time being. I'm picking back up with my therapist this Friday to discuss my own issues, which I believe contribute to our sexual stagnancy as well, but that's another post entirely.

My general issue with my husband is not merely that we're not having sex often enough, but more so the fact that I'm putting myself out there and if he's not missing it entirely, he's turning me down. Just the other night we were arguing about it and he complained that I did not recognize his willingness to have sex with me and honor that, as though I should be allowing him leeway in other aspects of our relationship *because* he was having sex with me. I was so upset that he considered sex a bartering tool, or a way to appease me, that I resigned myself to the couch. When I eventually returned we talked about it more and came to an understanding, then had sex, but I couldn't help thinking that it was meant to appease me--almost a pity fuck.

He's actually asked me if I'd rather he fake it and simply give me what I want, or accept that I'm not going to get laid as often as I like, but with the understanding that it would be honest and real. I go back and forth on the idea, since I think my opinion of the matter fluctuates with my hormones. There are certainly those days when I want nothing more than to fuck, and conversely there are days that I want that honest, loving connection from him. Perhaps I'm just being too fickle and expect too much from him.

[Kalbi54]

This is somewhat an intriguing topic and definitely conversationally unique. Too often it's the husband being deprived but it's interesting to hear that the ladies have the same problem, albeit not as much but they do have it as well. I can empathize but it's only from a guy's perspective. Regrettably I am in that type of situation but after several attempts to get my wife to consider therapy I finally gave up. The breaking point was when after repeated requested to speak w/her gyno, she finally did. Doctor asked if she thought if everything was normal or if anything was wrong to which my wife replied "no everything is normal". That's when I realized that much like an addict, until she can admit there's something wrong, then truly in her eyes, there is nothing wrong. She's not sick, has any kind of problem but it struck home w/me.

Essentially, your SO has to believe there is something wrong or not normal, otherwise things will never change. Unlike a drug addict (be it heroin, meth, ice, cocaine, whatever), you can't "abduct" someone then throw them into a detox as a means of intervention.

My opinion, unless the male/female acknowledges or wants to make changes, the other SO has only 2 choices:

1. Accept that the situation is what it is.

2. Leave the situation

There may be a chance that further conversations about changes might work but obviously no guarantee here.

[RikaLovesDie]

This is somewhat an intriguing topic and definitely conversationally unique. Too often it's the husband being deprived but it's interesting to hear that the ladies have the same problem, albeit not as much but they do have it as well. I can empathize but it's only from a guy's perspective. Regrettably I am in that type of situation but after several attempts to get my wife to consider therapy I finally gave up. The breaking point was when after repeated requested to speak w/her gyno, she finally did. Doctor asked if she thought if everything was normal or if anything was wrong to which my wife replied "no everything is normal". That's when I realized that much like an addict, until she can admit there's something wrong, then truly in her eyes, there is nothing wrong. She's not sick, has any kind of problem but it struck home w/me.

Essentially, your SO has to believe there is something wrong or not normal, otherwise things will never change. Unlike a drug addict (be it heroin, meth, ice, cocaine, whatever), you can't "abduct" someone then throw them into a detox as a means of intervention.

My opinion, unless the male/female acknowledges or wants to make changes, the other SO has only 2 choices:

1. Accept that the situation is what it is.

2. Leave the situation

There may be a chance that further conversations about changes might work but obviously no guarantee here.

There is an added variable to this, although I left it out because my husband claims it has nothing to do with his lack of interest in sex; he only has one testicle, and as such produces less testosterone than the average man. He's been checked by two separate doctors and been told that he's fine, and he claims that he had low testosterone prior to loosing one of his testicles to testicular torsion. He's led a fairly sedentary life style, since he works in an office and spends most of his day on the computer. I'm hoping that with his entrance into the Marines the activity will help increase his testosterone production and hopefully get him more interested in sex.

I've considered asking him to go through hormone therapy, but I've never brought it up seriously because I'm concerned it might change him as a person. My ex was on testosterone and steroid therapy for some SERIOUS asthma and I always felt he was more of a dick because of it (though wonderfully endowed, highly sexual and had a short refractory period). I worry that if he goes through therapy I'll loose my sensitive man and possibly not even get more sex out of it anyway.

[ladylove]

Rika, it's the way he was from the very beginning, before you were married. Why now. Why not before you were married. He is who he is, you love him and married him knowing full well what you were getting into. Now you want to change the rules. Good luck. You both may need to go to couples therapy when he can. If your missing his signs, then tell him he needs to be more blunt. essentially, communication, communication, communication!

I'm not saying it's impossible, but you married him knowing full well what you were getting into. So, now your married and you want to work on changing. It should have been addressed before the 'I do'.

[square]

. . . you . . . married him knowing full well what you were getting into. Now you want to change the rules. Good luck. . . . So, now your married and you want to work on changing. It should have been addressed before the 'I do'.

Hindsight is 20/20. Until you learn some of these life lessons firsthand (and sometimes more than once before they really sink in), it is tough to be wise.

[Tyger]

There is an added variable to this, although I left it out because my husband claims it has nothing to do with his lack of interest in sex; he only has one testicle, and as such produces less testosterone than the average man. He's been checked by two separate doctors and been told that he's fine, and he claims that he had low testosterone prior to loosing one of his testicles to testicular torsion. He's led a fairly sedentary life style, since he works in an office and spends most of his day on the computer. I'm hoping that with his entrance into the Marines the activity will help increase his testosterone production and hopefully get him more interested in sex.

I've considered asking him to go through hormone therapy, but I've never brought it up seriously because I'm concerned it might change him as a person. My ex was on testosterone and steroid therapy for some SERIOUS asthma and I always felt he was more of a dick because of it (though wonderfully endowed, highly sexual and had a short refractory period). I worry that if he goes through therapy I'll loose my sensitive man and possibly not even get more sex out of it anyway.

The other points of this post have been really good. Unless he's willing to accept HIS part of responsibility of this, and try and change & compromise, there's not much hope of it changing on its own.

This "one testicle" excuse is just that, an EXCUSE! I've eluded to the fact that my hubby had surgery *down there* in previous posts, but this post made me think that telling WHAT SORT of surgery he had is needed. My husband had surgery, as a baby, due to one of his testicles wrapping around the other one, and essentially killing it. He has only ONE testicle. I can assure you, and your husband, his libido is FINE! He has 2, count 'em, 2 kids, and he's as horny as he "should" be! So, I call this excuse BULLSHIT. Don't step in it!

When he uses that excuse, point to your child and tell him, if your "hormone levels" were down, that baby probably wouldn't BE HERE!

Your husband is grasping at straws as far as trying to give you a reasonable excuse so you will leave him alone. His age, and lack of drive really scare me for you, and for him. If he's 23, and has no sex drive, this is worrysome. At this age, he should at least want to have sex, and not pass it off as "I just ain't feelin' it". If his doctor says that his hormone levels are fine, then this really may be a "mental" issue. He's blocking something for some reason.

He was raised in a normal, loving environment, then he really shouldn't have an issue with showing affection, which includes sex with someone he says he loves. Have you asked him if he's always been like this with other women? Do you think he may be nervous about having any more kids, even when you're using birth control? I'm sure he's feeling pressured since he doesn't want sex, and you do, but you're not being unreasonable in expecting sex more than once a month. And him telling you that he could fake it so you will have sex is not only juvenille, but it's insulting to you, as his wife, mother of his child, and lover.

Anyway, I'll look forward to reading updates.

[Jojo1231]

It does come down to the two of you & how committed each one is to the other, what are both of you willing to do to keep this situation from becoming a cancer. If it does bother you that much, you must take steps forward if you want change, otherwise I can't see from my perspective (DAM Dumb Ass Male), that it will change.

I re-read your original posting and it was like that from the very beginning & it's unlikely that it was something you did or there was some kind of environmental change.

I kinda hate to ask the obvious but is he gay? I mean all the outward signs point in that direction and I don't want to seem spiteful but assuming you are sexually attractive, it's a little hard to fathom. I think you really need to sit and have a long, long, long talk because this just doesn't add up (and I'm a geek as well). It doesn't appear to be you as the problem but then again, we're only hearing from one side of the picture. It is entirely possible that you appear to be either too "motherly" (if there is such a term) or somehow you intimidate him. Whatever the reason, you need to find out quickly, otherwise you'll be stuck in this morass of ambiguity and questioning yourself. Not good for you or him or your relationship.