ginshreve

Hello all, I've been busy lately and not on the boards much, but when this question came up I knew exactly where to search for answers! I am getting involved with a wonderful irishman - I get turned on just listening to his voice, as the irish accent is the hottest thing imaginable. When he calls me "me darlin' ", well, that's enough to get me going. We've had some really hot conversations, and through them I have learned that he is not circumcized. I've had my share of sex partners in my life, but I have never run into this. I know that sounds ignorant but I have just not ever dealt with this. I've seen some u-porn with uncircumsized guys, so I think I know what I might see, but does anybody have any advice for oral and vaginal sex? I hardly know what to think. How do you work the condom??? I think irish is excited about me being a "virgin" to that, but I have to admit I'm a little (maybe a lot?) uneasy. He seems like a really exciting guy, and I don't want to delay our physical relationship more than I ordinarily would in the course of dating - but I have to say I'm hesitant, partly because I'm not sure what to expect and partly because . . . well, I guess I'm scared. What if I don't like it? What if it seems gross or unclean? What if . . . what if . . . I really need help and advice from both women who have been in my situation and especially from uncircumcized men. What to do?????? Thanks so much -

Hi Gabe, By process of elimination - either something has gone very wrong or she never actually "loved" giving bjs in the first place. Assuming something has gone wrong, examine your relationship outside of sex. Is she getting the contact/romance/attention she needs when you are not having sex? I think sometimes people with hold when they are upset about something else which may have nothing to do with the actual act. Think about this carefully. Another option is that she never really loved going down on you to begin with, but used it as a tool to hook you in. Now that she has you where she wants you, she no longer has to pretend. A nasty possibility, but one you must consider, if examination of the act and relationship indicates that these are not the problem. It just makes no sense to think that she went from loving giving bjs to not doing it at all for no reason. I guess it is always possible that something has changed with your taste or texture; many say that what you ingest through eating, drinking, and smoking influences the taste and texture in good or bad ways. Perhaps she is just afraid of offending you by telling you that something about your taste is off-putting. Another option to consider is that you enjoyed this act so much that you focused on it to the exclusion of things she likes better, and her only strategy to manage this is with holding totally. Not a very mature way to handle the whole thing, but her inability to discuss this rationally with you does not say a lot for her maturity level anyway. If you are serious about this woman, think carefully about her inability to commmunicate about something so critical to a healthy sex life. I think it may be a red flag for difficulties communicating in other areas, too. DANGER!!

A simplistic article which might work for simplistic eating problems. This article is all fine and good if it works for you, but some people do not respond well to calorie restriction. That feels too much like deprivation to me. I find that I lose weight much more effectively on the high protein type diets such as Atkins. If you count the calories, it might be very high - I don't even know how to do that! - but counting carbs is simple and works much better for me. Weight loss is not really so simple as just calories in and calories out, or programs like Atkins which allow thousands of calories a day with almost no restriction on butter, mayo, beef, and cream would not work. They work by restricting carbs to 20-70 a day, depending on where you are in the program. You can eat as much as you want as long as you maintain the carb limits. It may sound odd, but it actually works for me. These suggestions also really minimize the impact of emotional issues on eating. In fact, it virtually ignores emotional eating altogether. I would venture to say that most people who are overweight by more than 35 pounds are eating out of emotional issues rather than hunger. It's easy to say "just say no to donuts", but if the emotional issues have taken hold you might as well be talking to a wall. It's almost like an addiction, and "just say no" does not work to combat addiction very well. No diet in the world fixes emotional overeating; that requires therapy - hard, dirty, gut-wrenching therapy, and lots of it. This article which makes weight loss sound so simple, really does a tremendous disservice to those who struggle with this issue.

Lil Librarian, I too was celibate for years (!) after a bad marriage before I was comfortable having sex again or even being in any kind of a relationship. Even now, it's very very hard to risk that kind of love relationship again. I feel fortunate that I have a very good long term friend who has become a FWB, and I have to say, after our first sexual encounter, my overwhelming thought was something along the lines of "THANK YOU GOD, If I die tonight my ex-h won't be the last man who had his mouth/dick on me". Crass, perhaps, but that was what I felt. With a little more practice, I have come to enjoy sex much more than I did that first time back in the saddle, so to speak. If nothing else, I hope your encounter has purged some of the bad memories from your marriage, and you can thank your friend for that.

Yes, I believe so - the only person I actually know who had something like this had had 2 children, with her youngest being 12 years old. The way I understand it from her, the muscles just tighten up (perhaps from lack of stretching, if you know what I mean?) and she was in serious pain when trying to have intercourse, even though she wanted to very much. Tampons presented no problem, but a penis? Not possible. The ob prescribed a medication, I believe, and talked about gentle stretching activiities and progressing over a generous amount of time toward actual sexual intercourse. I haven't talked to her about this recently so I don't know the outcome. When she told me about it initially I had never heard of anything like it and was just flabbergasted; could hardly believe what she was saying - but then I looked it up on the trusty webmd and sure enough, it's a real thing. Strange but true, and it seems like it might be relevant to njoy.

Njoy, she needs to see her ob-gyn. There is an actual condition, vaginismus, that causes tightening of the vagina resulting in painful intercourse - and I understand (although I have not experienced it) that it can be very painful. There are treatment protocols, some of which involve gentle stretching, that can help the issue. It will not go away on its own. Good luck!

You've gotten good suggestions, and I only have one addition: shave in the direction the hair grows, NOT against the growth pattern. While you have to work a little harder at it, this technique will reduce the shave bumps.

What steely said. If my guy can't kiss me after I have done this, then I don't do this. If he thinks it is too "nasty" for him, then it is too "nasty" for me!

I think it helps also to have an actual conversation with him about what he is saying - not just a "yes dear" type of response. Things seem to anchor in my brain better when I have said them aloud myself as well as hearing them.

Long ago, in my younger and much more foolish days, my ex covered me with whipped cream (the kind that squirts out of a can), chocolate syrup,and maraschino cherries in the appropriate places and cleaned off the whole thing! I remember it being quite a kick and took a turn covering and eating him, too - wtih no resultant nasty infections for either of us. Like I said, youth is not always wise - of course we did no research to learn if this was safe or not LOL!!

OMG, Vanilla Bean, now that is HOT.

QUOTE (iha @ Aug 5 2008, 11:51 AM) I wish it were that simple. I think what Sun is saying is key - BOTH parties have to be willing to make changes to fix the situation. Some would say that if one person makes real changes, then their partner will also have to make some changes to accomodate the changed spouse. But the bottom line is, a person can only change themselves. If both are open to the changes, it is real simple - but when one person is experiencing problems that the other denies, it gets trickier. I think getting out of a long-term marriage "just" because of unsatisfying sex (if everything else is otherwise satisfactory) may feel for some like cutting and running - or taking the easy way out. Plus if there are children, property, family expectations, serious religous or moral committments, and all the baggage that comes with long term relationships, dissolving a marriage is not as simple as it seems. Maybe it comes down to a question of how badly someone wants to resolve the issue. For some, leaving a sexless marriage, regardless of the trauma it will cause, is preferable to remaining in the relationship and being unhappy. For others, bearing the burden of the unhappiness is preferable to disappointing or traumatizing the others who have to deal with the fallout of a divorce. Sometimes really good people are the ones who are stuck coping with the unreasonable ones they are married to - but there are always choices, and to choose to stay in a sexless marriage is a valid choice for some.

IMHO, these are marriage issues and these people need marital therapy. I understand spells of people being tired or whatever, that is life and there are ebbs and flows in levels of desire - I think that's sort of normal. But when people have gone years without sex, like it isn't even part of the marriage, to me that is excessive and over the top and begins to get into the "needs therapy to resolve it" territory. The refusing spouse has a lot of power that they are exercising in a way that is hurtful to the other, and they may be using the witholding of sex instead of talking about how they are upset that their spouse won't help around the house, share the responsibilities of the child-rearing, or keep a steady job - or anything that is bothering them that they won't communicate verbally. Back to the question of whether sex a marital "duty" - I don't like to think of it as a duty, either, but I do think it is part of the marital contract, and if the status quo isn't working for both partners in the marriage then it needs to be fixed. It is totally not fair for one spouse to do that to the other. That being said, of course people who are on their deathbed, disabled, or otherwise unable physically or emotionally to participate in sex need to be cut some slack - but there are lots of ways to accomplish helping your partner be sexually satisfied, no matter what your physical illnesses or limitations are, if you have the desire for them to be satisfied. To me, ignoring your partners needs is selfish and not being a good partner.

This may be repetitive, but I think it's worth saying - I constantly ask people who are happy couples how they met, because I want to figure out the secret! What seems to be pretty frequent is people meeting others at activities they both enjoy: an amateur singing group, political activities, golf, tennis, volleyball, wine tasting, community theater, church, work, through their job, and the office (not a random repeat, SO many people meet through work that if you work in a female dominated field you are really at a disadvantage, like me!). Anyway, the advice is to find things you like to do - that express your passions - and do them. Not just because you are looking for a partner, but because you enjoy them and get something out of your involvement with those activities. Hopefully Mr. Right (and not just Mr. Right Now) will be there, too, and if not, it wasn't a waste of your time. I hear you - I'd rather be at home by myself reading, on the computer, or watching my favorite shows on TV. And that has worked just fine for the last 12 years to keep me single and invulnerable, but it has not worked so well to help me find a life partner! So, I too am working on my list of activities that I am willing to spend time doing that take me out of my house and into places where men are! Good luck to both of us! Edit to add: I do think it is possible that people sabotage their own efforts to meet partners for their own subconscious reasons, and I decided that I needed to see a therapist to help me sort out why I am having such trouble with this. She has been really helpful, but I will still have to be the one to stick my neck out there . . .

Ladylove asks "can you separate sex from love?", and I think that is similar to the question MsLayD was asking at the beginning of the thread. I don't know the answer, some of the wise ones on the board have talked about the neuro-chemical changes which happen to some degree in both men and women but seem to rear their ugly heads more with women when it comes to sex. (Probably related to the old "men are supposed to spread their seed around to insure propagation of the species" as opposed to women needing a protector and guard when childbearing and rearing.) I know that for me, currently in a FWB relationship with a male (who is otherwise committed to someone else), it takes a lot of mental gymnastics to maintain romantic emotional distance. We share sexual appetites, great communication, willingness to play and a similar level of comfort with experimentation, and I consider us very sexually compatible as well as really good friends for some years before we added sex to the relationship. He typically is very cuddly and chatty afterwards, too. But I have to keep our relationship agreements in the front of my mind and keep myself very clear about what I am doing with this - and I have the feeling that if I did not keep myself very clear, it would be easy to slip into a "romance" type of relationship. It would be a comfortable and familiar pattern - for both of us, I suspect - but I think it would also bring our FWB relationship to an uneasy end, as I don't believe that level of relationship is sustainable for us. Bottom line, I think you are really asking this question for the guys on the board. As women, we know we can do it and have done it - but can guys sustain the FWB only?

Hi LadyMaple, I just wanted to chime in and tell you that I really understand what you are saying; when you are really new at this you don't know what to ask for or even what should be different! I really learned from experience with different people, which is not an option for you, but this is a great place to come for information. There are some great articles on oral sex, and some excellent tips on what to do. If your dear hubby is asking for feedback, read those together and let him know if any of it sounds exciting to you. The best ones I have read instruct the giver to treat your parts like he is caring for a melting ice cream cone - softly, gently, and all around - and that works for me! But I would never have known how to describe it or even that something was missing, when I was younger and less experienced. I can't begin to tell you if or what is going "wrong" with you and hubby, but if you are not enjoying sex something needs to be different! Foreplay is everything that is done before penetration (or that's my working definition, anyway). I think it is fun sometimes to have a session where there is purposefully no penetration, and the focus is all on the buildup and foreplay. That way there is no pressure on you to allow anything that might be painful, and he has the challenge and opportunity to make you beg for more and more! Do you ever get the feeling that you really want and desire penetration? You've gotten some great advice on this thread; if you take these do-it-yourself suggestions and don't see any improvement, I definately think you should talk to your doctor and consider the possibility of vaginismus and get whatever proper medical treatment will resolve it. You may even want to see your doc and rule this in or out immediately; I hate to hear about you suffering when help is readily available, and I know there are medical treatments available. (personally, I am a tryer of home remedies for many things, but you know what your medical needs are for yourself). Good luck, and please keep us posted on how this turns out!

Unfortunately (or fortunately for some, I guess!) education does not equate to either emotional intelligence or good parenting. I'm sorry for your daughter, but the number of marriages is not the problem - your ex-wife's emotional intelligence and parenting capacity is! It is so sad when children suffer for the immaturity and mistakes of their parents. But as to your original question, my opinions vary from day to day on this one. In reality, if I was in a loving relationship, I would probably consider moving in with someone, as it makes sense to me financially and practically, although I really don't know if I ever want to get married again - although sometimes that idea is appealing to me as well, it just depends on my mood at the time. I can't even keep a firm thought on it for the length of this answer! I do wonder if I had lived with my (ex)husband before we married whether our ultimate incompatibility would have been obvious to us, or if we would still have been so in love/lust that we would not have recognized the problems until years after the marriage anyway. I think the latter is true; that living together wouldn't have helped us recognize issues earlier, but it might help some so I am not opposed to it. If I lived with someone now, I think I would be so much wiser about it that it might help prevent problems.

Hope you have great fun! I think you are doing this at exactly the right time. Welcome, from one newbie to another.

Let me just add my welcome to the bunch - from one newbie to another.

Hi Bama, I lurked for a long while, too, and now it's getting so I can hardly keep from putting my 2 cents in! Welcome from another newbie!

I don't think so . . . my nose is REALLY sensitive, and bad smells are a real mood-killer for me (even if they are confined to the bathroom; somehow that is just not romantic, even if it is totally normal and healthy, and needs to be separated from sexual stuff) . . .

Hi JJlove, I can only add a little from my own experiences to what the others have responded. In two previous relationships, my partners both really wanted oral and it was really hard for me to do with them, because of how they responded when I tried. Both of them attempted to force and hold my head down where they wanted it to be, and pumped forcefully, and complained about where my teeth were (as if I could help that! but I understand the worry) and it just became a fairly unpleasant experience every time, even though I wanted to do what they wanted me to do. For my part, I did not understand that it could be different and did not even have the words to describe to them how I needed them to handle it in order for it to be pleasureable for me. Instruction on their part was along the lines of "harder" "deeper" "put your lips around your teeth" and various grunts and groans. I always finished with a sore jaw and lips that were almost raw inside; not incentive to do it again, I promise you. With my current FWB, I cannot wait to get him in my mouth because of how he responds! It could not be more different, and I was beyond ecstatic to discover this difference. He leans back and PUTS HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS HEAD most of the time, they never come close to holding my head in any position, so I am free to move my head as I need to, sometimes shallower and sometimes deeper, as I want. He does not push his hips/penis against me but allows me to do what I am comfortable with. He constantly tells me what I CAN do, like "you can suck harder", and tells me specifically I am doing that feels good so that I know what is working for him. He makes it so enjoyable that I don't WANT to stop!! I really WANT to keep going until he has an orgasm from oral, even when it means less vaginal time for me (which I can be kind of selfish about!) The differences could not be more dramatic. And I can take part of the credit - I read some of the articles on this site about how to give a good bj and really learned a lot about what to do other than just going up and down like a barbershop pole; it was really educational and helpful to me. I don't know if you see yourself in any of this, and I am not trying to take the heat off of your wife - but I am saying that you might consider this perspective, too, along with the other good suggestions given. As I said, until I experienced the difference, I would not have known how to ask my previous partners to do anything different, so we all went wanting from what I have learned can be a fabulous experience. As to her response to your oral - your wonderful techniques that worked for previous women might not work for her; she might respond to something totally different - but if she is unable to communicate to you what she wants, you might not happen to stumble upon it for years, if ever! I know I respond best to soft, slow, tantalizing, teasing (sometimes described as what you would do when you are licking a melting ice cream cone) - which is a little hard for my current FWB to grasp; he wants to get in there and work hard and get the job done, but that is not the path to orgasm for me! If she is concerned about the hygiene part, it would really help her for you to tell her how good she smells/tastes/feels, how it turns you on, etc while you are going down on her, so that she becomes more comfortable with the organic nature of oral sex. You might have to try different things; there are some great instructional articles in this site for both of you and I suggest you share them with her and discuss it. Good luck with this one! Let us know what you find helpful; others can surely benefit, too.

Just one thought - I don't know if you are done having children, but you might want to check and see whether or not you could still breastfeed children after such a procedure. I suspect not, but I don't know. Regardless of how my breasts look then (or now), that is one experience that I would not have wanted to miss out on. If you are set upon doing it, at least wait until you are done with childbearing.

I don't think I can match the 5 in 15 that your friend reports, but I can have multiples in that time frame IF I have been properly stimulated (read: teased) mentally and physically before we start, and especially if/when we move into doggy style - omg I love doggy style and it gives me big, multiple orgasms which begin almost on penetration, every time, without fail. I don't know why it is so good for me, but it reliably is. I guess I would think that if she says it is normal for her, then it is! Appreciate the beauty of diversity!

Thanks, Nymph! I loved that quote too when I saw it; to me, it really pays homage to what many on this board say about the relationship (and communication) being as crucial in good sex as the mechanics!