Losing The Passion And Attraction

[briceshepherd]

My first post. I apologize for the length but I think the back story is important.

My wife and are a young couple (27 & 28) who have been together for 10+ years. We've lived together for 8 years and have been married for 3-1/2. We currently reside close to 600 miles away from "home" while she is attending graduate school. We've been here for all but two months of our marriage and she's due to graduate on Mother's Day 2010.

Things have gotten rocky in our relationship in the past but we've worked through them. Many of our friends see us as the perfect couple and some even envy the kind of relationship we have. School has been rough on my wife and up until recently has taken up almost all of her time and energy. I have patiently waited lower on her priority list for the last few years as I know that our future together relies heavily on her graduating and finding a job. Once that happens we can move back home and start to expand our family.

A few months ago I noticed that things weren't as great as they had been. Sex had become less frequent, as well as conversation, and any time we did talk it seemed like we were arguing about something (mostly sex or the lack there-of). We finally sat down to talk everything over and she told me that she wasn't as attracted to me as she used to be. Since moving to where we are I let myself go a bit, we both have. I've been focusing on keeping a roof over our head, and food in our mouths and her focus has been on school so it was only natural for both of us to gain some extra pounds. After a long talk and a few very intense days and nights of discussing the issue at hand I decided to get proactive. I joined a gym and started eating much healthier. After a few weeks I had dropped some weight, was feeling much better about myself, and had a lot more energy. During this time my wife had been spending a lot of time at a classmates place studying for "the test". We had a few dinner dates at our house, where she would come over, we'd fix dinner together, drink some wine, and slow dance in the kitchen. Very out of the norm, very romantic and we had a great time. We even had sex a few times during this period and she like how my body was changing.

The last time we has sex or did anything remotely related to sex was the Monday before Thanksgiving. (That's almost four weeks, probably close to a record for us). She was leaving for "home" for the holiday and would be gone for a week. (Don't worry though, I had Turkey day with my dad and two best friends.) The sex was good (it's always good, we're very compatible in bed) but it felt a little forced on her part. Now that almost 4 weeks have passed since then things have gone back to the way they were a few months ago. We're not arguing with each other this time, but she told me last week that she doesn't have the desire to have sex with me. There's no passion anymore. She said that if she were with someone else it wouldn't be an issue b/c it would be new and exciting. (She's not looking elsewhere, trust me, I would know). But after 10 years she doesn't "lust after me" like she used to when the relationship was younger. I'm still working out, and now I'm actually putting on muscle and you can see the results. My wife is now working out as well.

I've read articles and articles about how to get passion back into the relationship and today I've read some about not being attracted to your partner. From what I can see they all give pretty much the same advice:

- Both people have to want the marriage to succeed.

- Marriage isn't about being happy, it's about growing as a person. If you grow as a person, you can better grow as a couple then being happy is just there.

- Get out of your routines and do somethings that are different.

- Have sex... often, but make sure it's not routine and that you're not having sex just to get off, but to connect with the other person.

(A little insight on sex between us... she loves foreplay and wants a lot of it but once intercourse starts she wants hard and fast. I'm the opposite, I'd prefer to get through the foreplay a bit quicker and have long, slow sex. She wants to get to the finish line as fast a possible and I want to enjoy the ride and connect on a deeper level. Not to say that both of us don't enjoy what the other does b/c we do, but that's the norm.)

We both agree with the first thing... We want the marriage to succeed. So we're both on the same page there but as for everything else I'm not sure if she's even trying. I've sent her articles via email and even read a few to her that I thought have great advice for someone in her position. It's been a week already but I haven't seen any change in her behavior or routine. I tried following a "7 Nights To Sexual Intimacy" routine earlier in the week where both people have to participate and each night you do something different (Including having sex without climax! I know right?!?!). I started with night one, but she hasn't responded with night two. Tonight we should be on night 4. This morning after working out I sent her a picture of me with my shirt off and told her jokingly that I thought she'd enjoy some eye candy in the morning. Her response was "uh huh." I then said, "I look good, especially compared to a couple months ago." "Good," she replied. I told her that the correct answer was "Yes you do. I agree. I love the way look" and that I was looking for a little support, a bit of proof that my wife is still attracted to me. She responded with "K." I think she was driving at the moment, but c'mon, throw me a bone here.

I'm doing everything I can think of to turn this marriage around. I feel like I'm growing as a person. I'm learning new things and I'm willing to change and willing to do what needs to be done to succeed. But on the other side I can't seem to get her to see and do the same thing. She's very complacent staying in her routine and not changing a thing. I don't know what to do. I know I need to talk to her more and seeing a counselor would probably help, b/c she'd be able to hear the things I've been telling her from someone else, but we can't afford that. I just don't want to seem like I'm being too pushy. She still loves me, and is still emotionally connected to me, but I think it's the physical that's not there anymore.

I love my wife with all my heart, body and soul and I'm still attracted to her in every way but I don't think I can be with someone who doesn't feel the same toward me and isn't willing to fight for their marriage. I don't want a failed marriage, especially after only 3-1/2 years. Any advice will help.

Thanks for everyone who hung in there and read the entire post.

[square]

I have no real answers or advice, but have a couple of thoughts for whatever they are worth.

On one hand, you say this has been going on a few months. In the grand scheme of things, that is not a great amount of time, so I wouldn't say it's time to through in the towel yet. People drift and reconnect over periods of years.

School can be stressful. She's still in till May. Maybe things will improve when she gets out, but the only way to tell is to go there and find out.

On the other hand, you say she has said she isn't as attracted to you. What is going to happen when you are 40, or 50, or 60?

You mention putting on a few pounds. How many are we talking? If someone loves you, they ought to be able to overlook at least a certain amount of extra poundage. I can't help but think this all goes deeper than just physical attraction.

She says she wants the marriage to succeed, but it seems to be you doing all the work toward that end, with her doing little or nothing. Maybe you need to back off, start doing more of your own things without her and making your own fun; leave the ball in her court to decide whether SHE wants to put in the effort to improve things, or not.

I have found with my wife, if she is going to do something it has to be something she wants to do, and on her own terms and her own schedule. Encouragement from me has little effect.

[leslieanne]

Like Square I have no answers. That said if you are at the point of talking about "wanting the marriage to survive" I'd recommend that you consider counseling. Having someone else asking the tough questions and facilitating the conversation/discussion about what ever issues there might be can help decrease the feeling of "being pushed or attacked".

[sass]

I agree that counseling might help, and you might be able to find some that would not cost, or at least not much. Consider checking into what is available at her school for students. I know where I went (a fairly small, state college) there were various types of counseling available at no charge to students. If you belong to a chuch, you may also look there.

I can tell you, speaking from experience, stress can make a woman a lot less interested in sex. It might just be a case of that, but it is hard to know, really know, without talking about it and having someone help lead that conversation is a good idea. If there are no counseling options available to you, try to get her to look deep into her own mind, heart and soul, then talk to you. If she really wants the marriage to work, having an open and honest conversation should not be too much to ask.

Good luck.

[ladylove]

My reply will be different from the above one I'm sure. I haven't read them but I've sat where your sitting years ago......

The one thing that comes to mind is she is total preoccupation with graduate school. Been there, done that, wasn't all fun or all miserable. It was VERY hard on both of us! Is it right for you to be second best, no, but it may be what she needs you to do until she finishes. It has nothing to do with her love for you, it has to do with being focused on the goal. When you married you knew she would be in school, you knew she would be preoccupied, and you knew it would be tuff. You signed up, now be understanding and encouraging, don't wine give up now! You need to be supportive and the engine that runs the relationship for now, in the long run you'll be happy you did. Getting through the tuff times makes your relationship stronger and the good times sweeter. Hang in there.

[briceshepherd]

On the other hand, you say she has said she isn't as attracted to you. What is going to happen when you are 40, or 50, or 60?

I've thought of that and her answer was "I don't know."

You mention putting on a few pounds. How many are we talking? If someone loves you, they ought to be able to overlook at least a certain amount of extra poundage. I can't help but think this all goes deeper than just physical attraction.

Like 10 or 15... but I've lost almost all of it, and look better now than I did three years ago. And I know she still has an emotional attachment to me, that's obvious.

She says she wants the marriage to succeed, but it seems to be you doing all the work toward that end, with her doing little or nothing. Maybe you need to back off, start doing more of your own things without her and making your own fun; leave the ball in her court to decide whether SHE wants to put in the effort to improve things, or not.

I have found with my wife, if she is going to do something it has to be something she wants to do, and on her own terms and her own schedule. Encouragement from me has little effect.

Yes... currently it feels like I've been doing all of the work, and my wife is like yours. She doesn't like to be told or asked what to do. She's going to do what she wants to do. I can back off and give her space and things will eventually get better but it won't be long term. We'll be right back in this mess a few months later b/c she's still doing or not doing the same things. She needs to learn that to be happy in a marriage she can't always expect everything to be given to her, she needs to do some giving as well. We all know that whatever one spouse is feeling the other is right there with them.

[briceshepherd]

My reply will be different from the above one I'm sure. I haven't read them but I've sat where your sitting years ago......

The one thing that comes to mind is she is total preoccupation with graduate school. Been there, done that, wasn't all fun or all miserable. It was VERY hard on both of us! Is it right for you to be second best, no, but it may be what she needs you to do until she finishes. It has nothing to do with her love for you, it has to do with being focused on the goal. When you married you knew she would be in school, you knew she would be preoccupied, and you knew it would be tuff. You signed up, now be understanding and encouraging, don't wine give up now! You need to be supportive and the engine that runs the relationship for now, in the long run you'll be happy you did. Getting through the tuff times makes your relationship stronger and the good times sweeter. Hang in there.

I realize that I need to be her rock and the engine that runs the relationship for now. I've taken that role and done a pretty good job up to this point. Now we're finally on the downward slope of the hill things are much easier for her and she's not as preoccupied as she has been. All I'm asking for is a little help. I just want her to be as passionate for her marriage as she is with being a doctor. I don't think that's asking a lot.

[Mikayla1]

Hmmm, I see this issue from many different perspectives. First, as a person who has been through Graduate school WHILE having a very high stress child at home, I know how stressful it is. I know how hard it is to feel sexual when you are pressured and exhausted. However, I also know how important regular sex is to a marriage. There were times when I literally 'forced' myself to be in the mood, and once I started, things heated up and I was soooo glad that I had sex. There were other times when I had to tell my hubby that I wanted sex, he assumed I was too tired or too stressed.

The other is the attraction issue. You know, people do change. We get older, we gain weight, we have kids and let ourselves go a bit. It happens. I don't think it is fair for her to say 'I am not as attracted to you' because of a little weight gain. However, I do think that at least she is being honest. I think that in relationships our attraction for our spouse DOES wax and wean. I think that it is unreasonable to be completely and utterly attracted to one another every single day. I mean, I am sure some will disagree, but I know there have been days when I gave been monstrously attracted to my hubby, and others when it was less so. What is more an issue is whether she is MORE attracted to someone else.

In a situation of a college setting, one meets a lot of people. Perhaps people that share more common interests with her. People who she can talk to about her studies, specific interests, etc. This is a place to find persons who we connect with, and in that fishbowl of likemindedness can come attraction for others. So, perhaps there is someone else that is peaking her interest. Sorry to be so negative, but it is a reality. I know when I was in law school just having other men and women in my same stressful life situation caused a sort of 'bond' - and yes, there was attraction and even heavy flirtations. What else are you to do at 2:00 am in the law library when you are high on caffeine and running on adrenaline?

Anyway, you mention that your sex is declining, especially where passion is concerned. I am sorry to hear this. She is in med school, that is some very high pressure there. However, as I have preached before on this site, sex IS a stress reliever. Sex is a GREAT way to unwind and to relax. It is also so important to maintain a connection with your spouse through intimacy.

So, perhaps plan a nice, relaxing encounter for her. You know, draw her a bath, pour her some wine, let her relax. Pamper her inner self; then work on pampering her outer self. Show her that you understand her stressful situation, be understanding (and I am sure you are already). See how that goes.

Also, a side note on your preference for sex: women NEED foreplay. In fact, in previous studies and polls, most women say they prefer foreplay and afterplay over sexual intercourse. I know, not fair, but true. Women love to be touched, caressed, licked, played with. We orgasm during clitoral stimulation and foreplay. Many women won't orgasm during intercourse. Also, after a woman cums she is on the down slide, unless she is multi-orgasmic and goes for the next O, she is in refractory mode, so her sexual arousal will start to diminish as soon as the 'tingly Orgasm mood' has left her body, about 5 minutes. So, that is why she may want the fast and furious sex after foreplay.

So, try to get into foreplay more. It is a wonderful event. Then, try to get her to go for the next orgasm during sex. You can have the best of both worlds!

DId I miss anything????

[square]

On the other hand, you say she has said she isn't as attracted to you. What is going to happen when you are 40, or 50, or 60?

I've thought of that and her answer was "I don't know."

Not an encouraging answer.

=====

Is she in grad school getting a PhD, or med school going for an MD?

Might have a big impact as to how much reduction there is in stress when it is done. Doesn't a residency or internship follow med school? I've heard that described as, "You can either have a family life, or be a doctor. Pick one."

[briceshepherd]

I don't think the issue is stress. It may have been earlier but now she has literally nothing to cause anymore stress to her. She's completed all of her tests and doesn't have any more classes. All she has to do is show up for her clinical rotations and come home. Like yourself, there have been times when she has "forced" herself to be in the mood and has never regretted doing it. I too, have stressed to her that sex is a stress reliever, however in the past it's been hard for her to get in the mood when she has medical terms and cases running through her mind all the time. I'm not sure if that's still true b/c for four weeks I'm not sure if she's even tried to get in the mood for sex.

I have wondered about an attraction to someone else. But every time I ask her about it she assures me that there's nothing between her or anyone else. She has admitted to feeling comfortable around guys in her class simply b/c they have a common interest and right now that common interest is ruling their lives. She's not actively looking for other partners but I know there that are few guys she knows that would probably drop everything given the chance to be with her. I think she likes the attention that she gets from them b/c it's new and exciting.

AS far as my sexual preference... I agree that foreplay is key... Even though I would prefer shorter foreplay it doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. I just the entire act, foreplay, intercourse, afterplay, everything to last as long as possible... those kinds of sessions make for the best connections and orgasms. But mind you... quickies are great too. I'm even okay with just giving her something or "settling" for something less than sex if she's not will to go all the way. Sometimes I just want to get off, and don't want to have to do it myself. It's more fun with her.

I think going forward the only thing I can do is to stay as positive as possible, continue to be loving and supportive, and just wait for her to come to me. I can't continue to put articles in front of her asking her read them, or ask her to see a counselor... if she doesn't get the idea herself and has to be "told" what to do then she's tends to ignore the entire suggestion and not do anything. I have a hell of time getting her to ever wear sexy lingerie or role play or play sex games or anything like that. When she's told that she has to do something, even if it's part of a game, a switch gets flipped on in her mind and tells her to rebel and not do it. So anything "deeper" than that may be out of the question. Like I've said before I just want her to want to change. God knows I have over the years.

[briceshepherd]

Is she in grad school getting a PhD, or med school going for an MD?

DVM... And she's not going for an internship or residency after... she wants a family and has decided that's she waited long enough.

[jhard]

I realize that I need to be her rock and the engine that runs the relationship for now. I've taken that role and done a pretty good job up to this point. Now we're finally on the downward slope of the hill things are much easier for her and she's not as preoccupied as she has been. All I'm asking for is a little help. I just want her to be as passionate for her marriage as she is with being a doctor. I don't think that's asking a lot.

Mikayla, I hope you are getting paid for this, because it just keeps going around and around in circles.

Man Woman relationship, rule number one for success...woman has got to be working towards total sexual satisfaction of her male partner. Suck cock and swallow cum, take it up the ass and all else. This is what your basic run of the mill Joe desires and most of them will follow you in servitude if you please them privately. If not, just wait for him to loose himself in a magazine or cheap video or a cheap whatever, a whatever that is willing to do what you are not.

For shits shake just fuck him!

[Mikayla1]

Mikayla, I hope you are getting paid for this, because it just keeps going around and around in circles.

Man Woman relationship, rule number one for success...woman has got to be working towards total sexual satisfaction of her male partner. Suck cock and swallow cum, take it up the ass and all else. This is what your basic run of the mill Joe desires and most of them will follow you in servitude if you please them privately. If not, just wait for him to loose himself in a magazine or cheap video or a cheap whatever, a whatever that is willing to do what you are not.

For shits shake just fuck him!

Nope. just do it for the love of helping people.

As for the rest of this...you know, I sort of agree. I also think that a man has got to be working toward total sexual satisfaction of HIS partner. It is a two way street; if I give blowjobs, I WANT my pussy licked. If he eats pussy; he should get handjobs. Anal sex is not something everyone wants, but I agree, if your man asks, perhaps you should just try it - but are YOU going to try it if your woman asks you?

My main point: why the HELL can't couples just start pleasing each other? Why can't we get interested in what our partner wants, needs and desires? Why do we say, 'oh, I am not interested in sex?' WHAT? WHY did you get MARRIED?

If we (men and women) just took stock of our partner's needs - we would all be much, much happier. If we stopped looking at sex as a 'job' or a 'requirement' and looked at it as the intimacy that it is, the fun, the pleasure - we would all be happier.

So,yes, I agree, we need to all take responsibility for what our partners want, need and desire. Period. Or, they will eventually find some outlet somewhere else. Or, die very, very unhappy.

[ladylove]

I realize that I need to be her rock and the engine that runs the relationship for now. I've taken that role and done a pretty good job up to this point. Now we're finally on the downward slope of the hill things are much easier for her and she's not as preoccupied as she has been. All I'm asking for is a little help. I just want her to be as passionate for her marriage as she is with being a doctor. I don't think that's asking a lot.

After so much preparation, studying, education and now into training you can't possibly think; ALL OF A SUDDEN she's going to transfer all that to you DO YOU? 4 years of undergrad, 4 years of grad, now training..... that passion is and will go to her profession for a long time if not forever depending on her career path. Your married to a doctor isn't just marrying a person with a profession, you married a doctor. Wife, lover, mother all comes second. Everyone I know man and women it's all the same, unless she chooses one of the softer fields in medicine. If you can't handle it figure that out before you have kids, if you can don't complain.

Don't want to be harsh but that's the life your choosing. There will be a comfortable, not wealthy life style but; You'll never be rich unless you view your glass half full, and of course live WAY under your means. Make a choice!

[ladylove]

How it going Shep? What did yo decide to do?

[briceshepherd]

How it going Shep? What did yo decide to do?

We're working through things. As far as I know, and what she's told me, the attraction thing has gone out the window. Even last night she told me I was looking sexy and I just gotten home from working out so I was wearing baggy sweats a t-shirt and probably didn't smell that great.

We still don't have sex as much I'd like or even how I'd like but (that's another issue altogether, look for another post about that soon). I think we still have a lot of room to grow and learn. I do still wish that she'd take some more initiative in the bedroom more often though. Hopefully that will come with time.

[square]

We're working through things. As far as I know, and what she's told me, the attraction thing has gone out the window. Even last night she told me I was looking sexy and I just gotten home from working out so I was wearing baggy sweats a t-shirt and probably didn't smell that great. . . .

Do you mean any remaining attraction has gone out the window, or the issue with attraction has gone away and now she is attracted to you again?

Maybe she was turned-on when you didn't smell that great. Not unheard of (well, depending on how exactly you smelled).

[briceshepherd]

Do you mean any remaining attraction has gone out the window, or the issue with attraction has gone away and now she is attracted to you again?

Maybe she was turned-on when you didn't smell that great. Not unheard of (well, depending on how exactly you smelled).

I mean the issue with attraction has gone away. I'm taking better care of myself now, working out, building muscle, getting fit. Areas that she likes to grab on to while having (back, shoulders, arms, chest) are all getting bigger and stronger and she really likes it (so do I). I'm nt the only one working out though. She is too.

Also, things have started to get much better between us. Now that the holidays are over we have more time to spend with each other, and we're not doing the same ol' stuff every day. I'm making it a point to keep things new and so far, so good.

[ladylove]

I mean the issue with attraction has gone away. I'm taking better care of myself now, working out, building muscle, getting fit. Areas that she likes to grab on to while having (back, shoulders, arms, chest) are all getting bigger and stronger and she really likes it (so do I). I'm nt the only one working out though. She is too.

Also, things have started to get much better between us. Now that the holidays are over we have more time to spend with each other, and we're not doing the same ol' stuff every day. I'm making it a point to keep things new and so far, so good.

good for you, your on the right path.