Guy Rant

[mstrpink]

It has been my experience that women don't want a "needy" man. That being said as a husband of 10 yrs. it's hard to comprehend the lack of intimacy and acknowledgment from my wife. She used to be eager to please me and turn me on. We used to make love all the time and now it's a bit obligatory on her part or only when we're drunk which makes me feel cheap and used.

As a man I find intimacy to be the "it" factor of defining that she cares and that our relationship is in a good place. Think of it as relationship currency. As I stay at home and keep the house immaculate, the kids fed and dressed, and her dinner ready 5 nights/wk I have a false expectation that she may show a little kindness or appreciation somehow. Should she screw me every night b/c of that? No, but occasionally showing she cares would be nice. She crapped on my birthday b/c we were moving and she didn't want to see a movie with me that night but instead clean the house; she gave me nothing for CHristmas after 10 yrs of always gifting something, and she spent NYE with her family while I was at home alone. If I move in to touch her or caress I'm met with "I'm tired" " I have a headache" etc. I'm tired of chasing her. I'm tired of being nice to her. I'm tired of thinking that this relationship is two way b/c to me it's not. I can't afford to leave her since I only work part time and she can not take care of the kids herself.

I'm in a bad way b/c if I bring this up to her she gets defensive and angry at me. She acts like I'm the asshole b/c I feel unnoticed and unappreciated. I take care of myself and her house, kids and lifestyle. Why is it so hard for her to see that? Like I said before she used to make me feel like a million dollars but now I feel like a penny.

[mystofpric]

How do you approach this with her? I would try instead of diving right into the sex, try aking how you can help her unwind after work, tell her she seems stressed. I know sounds counter productive, showing her with attention but if you can get her to relax she might spill what's going on. How old is she? How many kids to you have? Has her work changed in someway lately? Do you trust her?

I don't think your being needy at all. In fact this sounds a lot like another post on here, only told from a man's point of veiw. If your broaching the subject with her like "your not interested any more" she might get defensive because she might her it as more of an attack. Keep all of your statements to your facts, because honestly your not in her head so you can't tell her whats going on with her. Try something like "I would like to take you out." Keep it neautral. "What can I do to help you unwind?" "Man, I am really horny, wanna hop in the shower? " stuff like that.

[sass]

I am sorry for what you are going through. Yes, any successful relationship must be a two-way street with some give and take from both sides. From what you have said (and there are always two side to the story) she is doing all the taking and none of the giving. You might try talking to her and seeing if she truly feels your in a 50-50 marriage. Maybe she really does think, since she is working more hours, etc., that she is giving her fair part. If that is the case, then gently try to explain how you view it. Communication is key and if she won't even communicate, well then, if this post came from a woman, people would be assuming her husband was cheating. I am in no way saying that is what is going on, but there has to be some reason she won't even talk about it, if she indeed won't.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[mstrpink]

I tried to bring it up after new year's. I told I her I felt like I was a low priority and that I didn't matter. I didn't even bring up sex. Then after some flirting I was dumb enough to mention that it had been 6 wks. I shouldn't be counting. i should be content with this but I feel like there's no connection.

Her dad passed over the holidays. I was there for her. I understand that's stressful, depressing and a heap of crap to deal with but I also think that as a team we're supposed to care for one another and sometimes taking your mind off that can help. It didn't. She looked at me with a very hollow stare and cried. She explained it was going back to work but I felt like it was something more. There seemed to be a disconnect.

My wife doesn't get emotional. She doesn't confide in me. She doesn't make herself available to be loved. I try tenderness, I try full on horny guy and nothing works. She gets mad if I spend money on her. I can't win. I'm over trying to seek her approval or attract her attention. I've been focusing on my goals and my work and actually hope that by creating opportunities for me to be away (I'm a musician) perhaps she'll seek my company more often.

Yes, my mind has wondered if there's something else going on. It hurts to think that may be the case. I don't think she'd do that but I don't know for sure. I have asked her point blank when I mentioned my feelings and she got upset b/c she was afraid the 3 kids heard. I don't care how she feels about that b/c I find it disturbing that she'd rather chat with someone from work online than with me in the same room.

I don't want to give up but at the same time I'm not happy. I'm not pleased with the way any of this is going. I understand she has a stressful job and a 40 hr week. I have a much larger home to run and four women (wife 3 daughters) to manage and two PT jobs on top of that. I'm tired of being rejected.

Thanks for listening and sharing. I can't bring myself to screw around on her b/c I don't need anything else to mess with my head. I just want her to show me that I matter and for the past 6 mos. I really feel like I don't.

[sass]

Do you think she would go to marriage counseling? Do you think if you mentioned that you think things have gotten that bad, that might help her realize how upset you are?

[mstrpink]

She may consider counseling. Maybe I'll break it down for her. She isn't having a good week at work. I've been trying today to help her cope with that. Last night we had a bottle of wine and watched some shows together. Again, when I went to bed she stayed downstairs and FB for a while then came up. It's like there's no desire. I didn't expect to get lucky but again I feel like I'm trying to make this work. I'm assuming she thinks things are good but I didn't kiss her goodbye this AM. I've tried to ease up on my affection b/c ignoring her seems to be the only way she gives me any mind.

It's not all about sex but when there's nothing else that the two of you share as the two of you the relationship appears over. Last week she couldn't b/c it was that monthly time. I had locked our door so the kids couldn't come in and was thinking I could get off with her other ways and she was like "Oh no, the kids are here". Really? Our old house was more intimate than this one and we used to do that and not think a thing. I just unlocked the door and hit the shower pissed. She didn't care.

How do I approach this with her? How do I tell her that the "us" is wilting b/c she's so unavailable? I'm not asking for the moon am I? Maybe you can see why I feel like I'm "needy" when I bring this to her attention. I don't want to be the father and her the mother if that means the us we had before is over. It wasn't like this as recently as last spring.

I noticed a pattern though that we only had sex after she was drunk. You know when you're friends things that matter to them are important to you. For her b-day I took her and the fam out to dinner and then she went out with her GFs and drank all night. No nookie that night either but like I mentioned my b-day came and she told me to "take one for the team" and wouldn't go see a movie with me WITHOUT The kids ( who were out of town) and there was no love then either.

That's why I feel so unimportant. Nothing that matters to me (whom she's known for 12 yrs) is important to her. She had 364 days to think about Xmas and nothing. No card, nothing.

Should I just cut and paste all this and email it to her? At least she can read it without interrupting me to argue a point.

[sass]

That is actually not a bad idea. I was going to ask if you had told her these things the way you have explained them on here. I will caution about email, sometimes a tone or whatever can be read into something that really was not intended. Maybe write her a letter stating all of this and then see if she will talk after she reads it, that way, if she misreads something into it, you can clear it up right then. Just a thought.

[chloegirl]

Ok I'm going to ask a couple of tough questions and please don't get offended.. I am in no way insinuating that this is you but I'm just throwing this out there because I know that sometimes these issues may be present and can be one of the reasons for what's going on.

1. You said you are working a couple of part time jobs but that you are a stay at home dad. Are you having financial difficulties? With the economy as bad as it is alot of people have been hit hard and if she's feeling a pinch there, maybe she is feeling ambivilant about you not working full time. Not to be offensive, but if things are really strained this might be causing her to feel alot of unexpressed anger and resentment towards you, lack of respect, etc. She knows that you are doing alot at home but in tough times she may feel that you're not pulling as much as she is and be holding that against you...that will kill desire for sure.

2. How has the sex been in the past truthfully? Was it hot and fulfilling, sensual and erotic for BOTH of you? Not to assume anything but there are alot of cases where the guy gets his rocks off and as long as she wasn't complaining just assumed that she was thrilled with the encounter as well, when guess what....it may not have even gotten her to the halfway mark. (no this is not necessarily the guy's fault - there are other issues there that would have to be worked out) But for whatever reason if she was not able to express the disatisfaction and just kept on with the status flo as time goes on you guessed it.....she doesn't see any point or have any desire for sex with you because she's not getting anything out of it.

Now I'm not trying to start any blame games or man bashing here....I'm just trying to point out another couple of reasons that might be the culprit if not in your case, then is someone else's.

Whatever happens I wish you the best of luck

[Mikayla1]

It seems to me that there is a lot more going on here besides a lack of sex. You mention her lack of giving you birthday presents or Christmas presents. Now, I am sure that you do not care about the gift as much as the thought, and the lack of thought seems to be the issue. She seems to be sort of overall selfish!

Let me tell you that I have played both sides of the fence: working woman and stay at home Mom. I worked 50+ hours a week at a law firm, went to law school. Then I was just a stay at home Mom. Now I am a stay at home Mom AND I work (I am an English professor). I can say honestly, that it is harder to be at home taking care of kids, house, dinner, laundry, etc. than it was when I worked at the law firm. It is a whole different type of stress.

That being said: I have always been interested in sex. Both when I was working and going to school AND when I just stayed home. I knew it was important for my husband to have that sexual release and the intimacy is very, very important.

So, she claims that she is tired, has a headache, etc. I have no doubt that financial strain or carrying the 'brunt' of the financial responsibility is taxing on her - but I really do not think that it plays a part in her lack of desire. It seems as though you are a second thought to her. You mention that she used to be into pleasing you, and now she acts like it is a huge deal to be intimate. That is a big problem.

Unfortunately, there is a whole host of women (and yes, sometimes men) who just decide that sex is not important. They decide, unilaterally, that sex is not necessary or that they don't want to put in the effort. Personally, I think a lot of this is laziness. On occasion, it is something like a hormone issue. Has she had her hormones checked? Does she seem to think there is an issue?

The thing about her being mad about you spending money on her is classic deflection. She is making issues about everything - cause if you are fighting, you don't need to be having sex.

What do I suggest? Some marriage counseling might be in order - if you can get her to go. An honest conversation about what you expect and want for BOTH of you in this marriage is also in order. She needs to know that this is not acceptable.

Have you tried getting some books for her to read. There is a great one called Rekindling Desire. Get this one and highlight some pages, leave them in her lunch or briefcase. Try to make her see that you want intimacy and friendship and love - not all about sex.

I wish you luck Mr. Pink, I do....but, I am not so optimistic. I have had too many of my friends dealing with this and divorcing in the last year to think it might change. I hope for your sake it does!

[thurisas]

It sounds like you've got it pretty rough but I will point out that we only have your half of the story so any advice given will be tilted in your favor. That being said;

When you bring up the lack of intimacy is it because you've just been shot down? If so, try to sit down at a time where there is no sexual tension and be as frank and honest as you can. The real pitfall here is sounding accusatory. By saying to her that you hadn't had sex in 6 weeks you gave her an accusatory reminder. That just puts her immediately on the defensive. Instead you really need to change the way you think about broaching the subject. You can deflect to yourself if you want "We have been intimate in a very long time, can you please tell me what's going on?" or you can bring it up as an "us" thing... "I know how hard you've been working and how stressed you are at work and I'm sure you've seen how much I have to juggle things at home and I'm worried that we're growing apart romantically."

Your conversation should honest.

Your questions to each other should be open-ended(avoid yes/no questions because that directs a conversation instead of letting it flow.)

Be respectful and try to keep the conversation on track.

Do not blindside your partner because that will also put her on the defensive...this may even mean setting up a time to speak with her about the issues so she also has time to formulate her thoughts.

Just some thoughts on my part.

Randy.

[mstrpink]

All three of the above posts are immense helps.

To address the first- I'm all about her getting to her special area. We have had wild intense and mutually satisfying moments the past year. We used to have quickies but now no more.

Financially we are doing well. We aren't in debt but I have spent money without consulting her to get an instrument or two and caught more hell about that last night. Evidently the meager earnings from my jobs don't hold as much value in our bank acct as her hard earned one's do. Her words not mine.

I kissed her this morning and she bitched about being late for work, having a headache and had to pee.

Mikayla hit the nail with the thought being important. I feel like I do things for her out of desire to please (not just sexually guys) and get crap in return. I think I'm going to organize my thoughts and write it out in an open-ended way and let her read it at her leisure. Neither one of us is good about talking without letting our emotions go. I can understand how my deception about m purchases upset her but I also think treating me like a child b/c of it is ridiculous. I am a man and I have not put our family or us in any financial straits or trouble.

We've had issues in the past with her hormones. I just don't understand how someone can be one way for 5 yrs then change overnight. She has a poor self image and I've tried to train with her and encourage her but she thinks it's too hard or that I'm too know-it-all to be any help.

I would think a woman would want someone to want her. Esp. if they're in a marriage and relationship. What do I know?

[Sunday]

i should be content with this but I feel like there's no connection.

You shouldn't be content with it. The relationship is one-sided and that isn't fair to you. You deserve better.

I'm over trying to seek her approval or attract her attention.

That's a good attitude for you to have at this point. You should make your priorities: The children, yourself, the house in that order and ignore her. Do not neglect yourself. You should find something to do at least one evening a week and take the time to focus on yourself. It may be hard now, you may not think you are worth it, but taking time for yourself and doing things you take pleasure in, are the best things you can do for your marriage, your kids, and yourself.

I'm telling you this from the standpoint of someone who has recently been in a similar relationship. The more I focused on her the less she wanted me around her. When I stopped making her and our relationship the center of my life I became a much happier guy.

[crossroads123]

I hate to be the one to bring this up, but soundes to me like she may be getting her's somewhere else. I hope this isn't what's happening, but smells fishy to me.

[shdowulf39]

I agree with Chuch.Sounds like she has checked out memtally,emotionally,and physically for some reason.Either that or she has checked in somewhere else.

Don't know your situation.But you need to get a full time job that makes enough money that you would be able to support yourself and the kids.That way she wouldn't be able to hold a gun to your head(wouldn't be in complete control).That way you would be able to give her some hard options.Like,right now she does not want or think you two need counceling.Thjat way you would be able to give her an untimatum.Either we are going to try it my way for a while or it's the high way for me and the kids.

First and foremost I would try to get the both of you to counceling.If all else fails you are not in a good relationship both physically and emotionally for you and the kids.Better to get out now that later.

[square]

A couple of thoughts and things:

Is she involved with your kids much, or does she let you handle everything from feeding them to birthday parties and sleepovers, trips to the park, tucking them into bed, and such?

When you do things with the kids (a trip to the park or store or other outings), does she often come too, or not much or never?

I've tried to ease up on my affection b/c ignoring her seems to be the only way she gives me any mind.

Can you elaborate? How is she different when you ignore her?

Don't know if this has any relevance, but this reminds me a little of something. I've noticed (and other people have told me they notice the same thing) that with certain people who are easily irritated or angered, that if you try to tip toe around them and be extra nice and pleasant so as to not piss them off, it just pisses them off that much quicker. If you deal with them in a more abrupt and gruff manner, they are more tolerant of you and more reasonable to deal with.

So when you you say you try to be affectionate toward wour wife and she rejects you or gets pissed off, plus your comment about ignoring her, it reminds me of dealing with the grouchy people. Maybe backing off with the affection is what you need to do, at least for the moment.

I also agree with Sunday about taking care of YOU, and ignoring her more. Do things with the kids and cut her out, or at least leave it to her to invite herself and to decide if she wants to be a part of that family group. And try to fit some fun in there.

And I have no idea the answer to this; just asking: Is counseling going to help at this point? It seems to me that she would have to want to work on improving things, and she does not seem interested in doing that at this time. You can tell an alcoholic all you want that they have a problem and are heading down a bad road, but until they are willing to accept that themselves and want to do something about it, you're not going to get anywhere. Then again, maybe if you suggest counciling to her, it might wake her up to recognizing you two are in trouble, and she'd better put some effort in if she cares.

[mstrpink]

Patience has paid off. Reverting to singular activities or more frankly doing what I want to do has led to greater intimacy on her part. She asked me to meet her for lunch Friday. We had a good time and kept everything on the chill. Later that evening she mentioned to one of her friends the balancing act I run in the day to day and how it's hard to keep all my girls happy. She was very flirty and forward Sat. but I kept playing coy and mentioning it was just that, play. So yesterday afternoon after we've played with the kids outside and they're resting she asks me to nap and watch a movie with her.

I have often asked to go down on her and she's usually more focused on penetration but yesterday I noticed she had groomed and she relaxed. She let go enough to allow herself and my tongue to make her O all over the bed and my face. And during this she grabbed my hips and blew me away. Literally. She hadn't swallowed since the last kid was born let alone finish me and she did both yesterday with enthusiasm.

I can handle the past as such and make note that I need to convey my expectations with the rationalization that they may not always be met. I do feel that intimacy both physical and mental comes form trust and openness and I think we made strides towards that this w/e. The kids were home during that whole episode so she wanted it, too. That's why I think it's wonderful. She wanted to please me and herself and if you knew how hard it is for her to let go of life enough to get to that point you'd be elated, too.

Like any relationship it takes work but when two people desire to please each other incredible things can happen.

[sass]

I am so happy to hear things went well this weekend!!! I hope this is the start of things getting back to the way they should be. Keep us posted!!!

[ladylove]

glad to read that things are getting back on track for you. However, you still should continue to be proactive for yourself. Don't put you on the back burner again.