Concerned

[ilovebabyjada]

alright...

I've talked to some of my close friends about this & the dr's are kind of ignoring the issue.

i'll start off at the top

when my husband was a baby, he had one testy that never descended so they had to surgically pull it down. fine whatever. well now (over 24 years later) we are having issues. The one testy that had to be pulled down is smaller & not firm.

now, the issue... for him to cum is a very hard process.. i cannot get him off (which kills me, because i feel like it's me, even tho it's not). and his sex drive is very low.. i mean he could live without having sex (as for me.. i could do it all day every day.. which is probably why i had a kid at 14 & 18.. ugh.) and that too makes me feel like i'm not attractive.

The other day he was on top (which is a rare thing, because he has no stamina.. he says it hurts his legs very badly) and omg, he came! i was very confused.. it was the first time that had ever happened. and we've been together (sexually) for a couple of years. that night, i was on top.. and after about 20 minutes, he started stroking himself (which is the only way, that we know of, he can cum).. so when he finally climaxed i had to quickly jump on top, so it goes off in me (trust me.. it's like being an acrobatic person). the next day he came again.. i was just baffled, because he has NEVER cum that much...

but i asked him how he was feeling. he says that his legs hurt like hell & that they cramp up every single time he ejaculates.. I asked him how it felt to cum so much & he said it physically hurts

he said the only reason why he was able to cum the first time (when he was on top of me) was because he was already really turned on. so it didn't take much. (but it hurt him a lot do actually do it)

now a couple months ago he was talking to his dr, because i really want to have another baby soon.. and his ejaculation problem and lack of sex drive is killing my self esteem.. the dr told him that it's probably a psychological problem.. i think that's a load of bull s***.

so does anyone on here have any ideas.. or know of anything we can try?

[Mikayla1]

You have A LOT going on in this post. Let me see if I can offer some answers / suggestions.

OK, the testicle thing is probably not a big deal. This happens frequently with babies, and it doesn't have a significant affect on sex drive (but would on sperm production) but even then, minimal. There are people born with only one (or that lose one) that have no issues with sex drive or ejaculation. So, on that front probably not an issue.

Secondly, his legs hurt when he ejaculates. This is because when men come, they tense their muscles (like women do) and many men like to actually tense their thigsh to put extra pressure on their groin (like when women spread their legs to tighten up their clitoris) and that tensing is working the muscles. I am not sure why it hurts so much when he cums. Is it his legs that hurt or his penis?

Thirdly, many men get accustomed to how they stroke themselves and for some men, they can't get off any other way then the way THEY pleasure themselves. This has nothing to do wtih you or with him being attracted to you. It has to do with him liking the way he touches himself. Do you think you can ask him to show you how he does it? You can learn the techniques he likes. Have you ever tried doggy style? This is a tighter position, it offers him a chance to stretch his thigh muscles while entering you. Perhaps that (combined with some clitoral stim for you) would work well.

The stamina issue is something all together different. It most likely is this: if he has a low sex drive and has issues with being plessured by you, this causes a lot of emotional issues. When he gets erect and stimulated he wants to cum (I assume so that he doesn't lose his erection - does that happen) and he jsut wants to 'finish' so he doesn't disspoint you. This type of erectile dysfunction is more common than you know.

As for it being a psychological issue - I would agree that it is. Men are very tied up in their sexual prowess, and if he is having issues (and it is affecting you, which affects him more) then it definitely can be a psychological issue. My best advice: go see a sex specialist. Go see a therapist who specializes in sexual dysfuntion. Give your HB a place to talk aboout his past, experiences, pleasures, interests, etc. It is important that he understand what is going on with him and that you do not stigmatize him for it. Then, you can get on the road to beng more cohesive in bed.

[ilovebabyjada]

thank you for everything

when he cums it hurts his penis along with his legs (from tightening the muscles).

I do know that he was never the type of teenager to masturbate a lot & he doesn't even like to do that now, which i find entirely strange, but he grew up in a few different, very conservative foster families.. so it could be how he was taught.

when we are getting ready for sex (and he is hard) if I have to do something like go turn on the fan, or grab the lube, he loses his erection.. is this ED? (i'm so young and have never faced problems with previous men, and he is very shy about these subjects)

and I would be willing to see a therapist, but I don't think he's ready for that step yet. we've only been married for a year. he keeps telling me to give it time.

[hyokahey]

thank you for everything

when he cums it hurts his penis along with his legs (from tightening the muscles).

I do know that he was never the type of teenager to masturbate a lot & he doesn't even like to do that now, which i find entirely strange, but he grew up in a few different, very conservative foster families.. so it could be how he was taught.

when we are getting ready for sex (and he is hard) if I have to do something like go turn on the fan, or grab the lube, he loses his erection.. is this ED? (i'm so young and have never faced problems with previous men, and he is very shy about these subjects)

and I would be willing to see a therapist, but I don't think he's ready for that step yet. we've only been married for a year. he keeps telling me to give it time.

[hyokahey]

Mikayla's response is spot on (as usual!) Here is what I would add: the problem is not likely to improve without focused effort from both of you, but especially him. We are products of our early experiences, and breaking through our history to new ways of viewing our sexuality and innovating new sexual patterns often takes a focused and specific kind of help.

The first step is for him to have a complete urology workup to rule out physical issues...his regular doctor may be missing something...it is especially concerning that he says his penis hurts during sex.

Many guys (and gals) get very upset when they lose their erection....but they should not fuss...with a bit of direct stimulation, it will usually return.

He may in fact be the one who has the lower sex drive, and you the higher. This is not as unusual as most folk think; men often are the lower desire partner. These are relative positions in the relationship, and likely will never change. The low desire partner ALWAYS controls the area that they are low desire in The perceived 'gap' between your levels of desire will often seem larger when hedoes not attend to the problem and press himself to grow. The same holds true for you; as you get more and more frustrated, the disparity of your desire will seem wider than it really is.

Work on relationship inside the bedroom must go hand in hand with work on relationship outside the bedroom.

These kinds of issues can appear and feel as if they will never find resolution, but they can, if you decide to grow.

[ilovebabyjada]

The first step is for him to have a complete urology workup to rule out physical issues...his regular doctor may be missing something...it is especially concerning that he says his penis hurts during sex.

Many guys (and gals) get very upset when they lose their erection....but they should not fuss...with a bit of direct stimulation, it will usually return.

his doctor seemed kind of shy that they were even talking about it, which, quite frankly, pissed me off because it was already a huge deal for my hubby to bring it up. and i suggested that we get a new dr, because that's there job to discuss things that would normally be embarrassing.

and yes his erection does return very quickly, it's not something that i was overly worried about..

with his sex drive being lower then mine.. well he's a BIG guy and out of shape, and we have been told that might affect it as well.. again. it's something that we have both learned to deal with.. and it doesn't bother us all that much, as opposed to my sex drive is kind of.. well still teenager-like. i mean, i'm only 20 (as of today)...

so in the end. i am hoping to get stuff figured out.. it would be nice to have answers even if we don't have solutions at this point.

[Kace]

Would your husband consider a gym membership or a personal trainer? Many times a low libido isn't the core problem but instead can be a symptom of a body that's out of shape. Shedding unnecessary weight and toning muscle will often lead to an increase in libido. It'll also provide a nice confidence booster which may alleviate psychologically induced ED. It's worth a try - at the worst he ends up a bit healthier than before.

[ilovebabyjada]

Well one of the perks for where i work is being able to use the gym free of cost (i work for a nursing home, which is a part of a hospital, wish has a physical therapy department with really nice gym equipment).... we just haven't had time/energy to go check it out....

so getting in shape is definitely a goal for us, but due to his work hours (10 hours a day, 5+ days a week) and not having a babysitter, we just haven't started anything serious yet..

but yes we have talked about weight being an issue. we are both on the heavy side.

[ilovebabyjada]

well, I have a new issue now

last night, my husband confessed to me that he's been downloading porn pictures for the last 3 months... ok this wouldn't be a problem, except it makes me feel like i'm not good enough... I am a bigger woman, and am very self conscious, even tho he says he loves me i feel so ugly and fat (and i get told i'm not everyday, but that's not how i feel)

well.. i got my new toys in the mail yesterday & we were excited to try them out.. we were having fun playing with them, he wanted me to cum, so he took them out and started fingering me.. i asked him to get on me and he said "ya know, i'm just not feeling it" even tho he was hard!!

then later that night I was playing again, and he was enjoying watching me, and playing and controlling the toy. he wanted to have sex, looked down, not hard..

I asked him about it.. some nights he comes to bed and he NEEDS to fuck my brains out, but that doesn't seem to happen anymore. we haven't even been married for a year and i'm terrified that our sex life is just going to die. I don't know what to do anymore and it is straining our marriage.

[mailahn97]

well, I have a new issue now

last night, my husband confessed to me that he's been downloading porn pictures for the last 3 months... ok this wouldn't be a problem, except it makes me feel like i'm not good enough... I am a bigger woman, and am very self conscious, even tho he says he loves me i feel so ugly and fat (and i get told i'm not everyday, but that's not how i feel)

I know this will be easier said than done but don't let that get to you. I am a bigger woman as well. In the beginning I hid a lot. My self esteem basically did not exist. Thankfully through a partners caring I worked through it. In the beginning I would hide under the covers and lock the bathroom door so he couldn't see me. When he would tell me I was beautiful or sexy I would act like I didn't hear it or wouldn't look at him, because to me I was no where near either of those in my eyes. He realized I was hiding from these things and would push me to look at him when he said it to help me realize he was being truthful and not just saying it. At times I would cry because I was starting to realize that there was someone that truly did care about me and was saying the truth. When I would start to cry he would hold me and remind me that he was there because he wanted to be.

He also enjoys pictures and videos from the net. This never bothered me as time was still there for me. In fact we got into teasing each other with these. I would go on and find pics and videos that really turned me on or that I knew would turn him on and would email them to him. He also did the same to me. It would get quite interesting. Have you thought of doing this at all. Would he be interested in doing this as well.

If you ever need to talk just drop me a pm. I have dealt with an abusive relationship in the past, self esteem issues and other such things. Thankfully through this site, as well as people I have become friends with on here and a very caring person in my life I was able to move past it.

[ilovebabyjada]

well. the pictures and videos wouldn't bother me if I would get attention as well, but I don't.. our sex life has turned to dust the past few days.

with him i've always felt ok with my body, of course i'd have these little moods i'd go thru. but after he confessed last night. it's like i've lost trust.

i just feel like crap right now.

[sun_flower969]

well. the pictures and videos wouldn't bother me if I would get attention as well, but I don't.. our sex life has turned to dust the past few days.

with him i've always felt ok with my body, of course i'd have these little moods i'd go thru. but after he confessed last night. it's like i've lost trust.

i just feel like crap right now.

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this... you need to talk about it. I for one, don't like porn and for that very reason. It makes me feel like shit. I always felt the same as you sweetie. I don't know your man, he may just be blowing off steam. There is a ton of that stuff right at his fingertips so it can be very tempting. What is he looking at? Is it something you could be into as well? Maybe talk about fantasies and see if you can fulfill them for him! I would be concerned if he is looking at porn more than he is paying attention to YOU for sure! Another problem I feel with porn is, when you are really watching it habitually, it can desensitize you to reality. I have seen this happen to people and it is tough. Not to say that is YOUR situation... Just talk it out, tell him how you feel, SHOW him you are better than those plastic cyber skanks! You could turn it around!!

[ilovebabyjada]

the stuff he's looking at is like the pictures we have in our image wars, he's saving them on his computer

and he told me last night.. i actually kind of caught him. we were looking at a pretty picture, and i asked him to save it, when he hit the save button, all the previous saved pictures popped up. like a hundred + pictures of naked, sexy, big boobed, girls (like the complete opposite of me)... and he kind of just told me he'd been saving them for three months.

before when i'd catch him, he said it was because his dad wanted him to save them for him (which I used to believe, because his dad is a perv).. but now, idk.. i can't trust him. and it sucks.

i feel like he watches porn, gets turned on, then turns to me to take out whatever he has built up inside.. like i'm the one that can't turn him on anymore. uhhh....

[sun_flower969]

the stuff he's looking at is like the pictures we have in our image wars, he's saving them on his computer

and he told me last night.. i actually kind of caught him. we were looking at a pretty picture, and i asked him to save it, when he hit the save button, all the previous saved pictures popped up. like a hundred + pictures of naked, sexy, big boobed, girls (like the complete opposite of me)... and he kind of just told me he'd been saving them for three months.

before when i'd catch him, he said it was because his dad wanted him to save them for him (which I used to believe, because his dad is a perv).. but now, idk.. i can't trust him. and it sucks.

i feel like he watches porn, gets turned on, then turns to me to take out whatever he has built up inside.. like i'm the one that can't turn him on anymore. uhhh....

I understand you feeling like that because he kept it secret but try to talk to him about it. Ask him WHY he wants to look at those pics. Ask him how he feels about you, ask him what he desires from YOU...

Sometimes Men can be insecure too, afraid to express their fantasies to their SO in fear of rejection. So they turn to Porn... to sort of act it out in imagery. Try to reassure him, take a deep breath (and a glass of wine or 2) talk it out! See if you can have a fun fantasy for the 2 of you that will leave him hungry for more of YOU!

Trust me I KNOW how you feel!!!! I have been there and THEN some! My husband had a serious porn habit and it hurt me for a really long time. Now he NEVER and I can confidently say never looks at it! He will attest to it!

[ilovebabyjada]

I understand you feeling like that because he kept it secret but try to talk to him about it. Ask him WHY he wants to look at those pics. Ask him how he feels about you, ask him what he desires from YOU...

when i asked him last night he said he really doesn't know, he just saves pictures. he said it's not just of porn, its nature pictures, animals, anything.. i said "guys don't just save porn pictures because they think they are 'pretty'..." and he just turned away..

needless to say, we went to bed angry last night.. and it's because i feel like now i can't trust him. he's been lying to me for 3 months or more... he said he couldn't tell me before because he knew about my insecurities.

He's not a very sexual man.. his biggest want is a 3some, which he knows he'll never get. He says he loves having sex with me.. it's just getting there that's difficult..

idk what else to say...

[jhard]

alright...

I've talked to some of my close friends about this & the dr's are kind of ignoring the issue.

i'll start off at the top

when my husband was a baby, he had one testy that never descended so they had to surgically pull it down. fine whatever. well now (over 24 years later) we are having issues. The one testy that had to be pulled down is smaller & not firm.

now, the issue... for him to cum is a very hard process.. i cannot get him off (which kills me, because i feel like it's me, even tho it's not). and his sex drive is very low.. i mean he could live without having sex (as for me.. i could do it all day every day.. which is probably why i had a kid at 14 & 18.. ugh.) and that too makes me feel like i'm not attractive.

The other day he was on top (which is a rare thing, because he has no stamina.. he says it hurts his legs very badly) and omg, he came! i was very confused.. it was the first time that had ever happened. and we've been together (sexually) for a couple of years. that night, i was on top.. and after about 20 minutes, he started stroking himself (which is the only way, that we know of, he can cum).. so when he finally climaxed i had to quickly jump on top, so it goes off in me (trust me.. it's like being an acrobatic person). the next day he came again.. i was just baffled, because he has NEVER cum that much...

but i asked him how he was feeling. he says that his legs hurt like hell & that they cramp up every single time he ejaculates.. I asked him how it felt to cum so much & he said it physically hurts

he said the only reason why he was able to cum the first time (when he was on top of me) was because he was already really turned on. so it didn't take much. (but it hurt him a lot do actually do it)

now a couple months ago he was talking to his dr, because i really want to have another baby soon.. and his ejaculation problem and lack of sex drive is killing my self esteem.. the dr told him that it's probably a psychological problem.. i think that's a load of bull s***.

so does anyone on here have any ideas.. or know of anything we can try?

I don't think that your man is "ill". It appears that you have the "pants on" in this relationship. Not a bad thing just the way it is. You may well have to take control of your sex life as a couple and make things happen as you wish, just like many men have to do. Pain is relative, if he is not howling for a doctor I would not worry abuot it to much. It's not like you are going to damage his body or anything. My bet is that all this is mostly related to his much lower sex drive. By the way, I doubt a shrink can help with this, but they will take your money.

jhard

[amberlin]

does anyone think that porn can contribute to a low sex drive? he told me last night that he thinks if he never looked at porn, our sex life would still be the same... i just dont know about that...

[hyokahey]

Porn is such a convenient 'whipping boy' for our sexual issues.

All people at times prefer to be alone when they have sex. Why? Because in many ways, sex alone is far easier, and we can give ourself exactly what we want. We know our body and sexual response better than anyone else. We know how much pressure to use, how to draw out the sexual tension, and can choose exactly when we want to orgasm. Porn provides us with no-pressure, no-anxiety, high stimulus fantasy that enhances alone time sex.

We all have two drives within us: a drive for intimacy, and a drive for autonomy. Our sexual energy operates in both realms: we want to be with someone at times to have sex, and we enjoy having time alone to express our libidinal energy, either through masturbation, exercise, or creative activities.

In addition, we all usually have two 'scripts' in or head: the idealized, fantasy script of things we would like to be doing; and then the real script of what we actually, routinely (read: boring) do. Why do we not reveal the fantasy script to our lover? Because it may cause us intense anxiety to do so. We may have in mind that we want to tell our lover that we want to 'fuck their brain out', but when we get to the moment, anxiety checks or words or actions. Most folks live with far more anxiety in foreplay and sex than they realize, because they have lived with it for so long. We may get anxious because we fear what our lover will do if we reveal to them the 'secret' or 'dark' passions we have. And, in couple sex, there are obviously two people; my plan for what to do in the encounter is altered by what you want (or do not want) to do.

For example, if a guy is white, middle aged, over weight, in a LTR for 20 years with a partner to match, and has been doing sex only one or two ways the whole time, how can he then tell her of his fantasy to be spanked followed by a prostate massage while getting a blow job from a Japanese school girl? He may (legitimately) be anxious about the possibility of her disgust and rejection.

The bottom line is that you may be the high desire partner, and he the low desire partner. You can beat yourself silly trying to change that, but it won't work. High/low desire are relative positions in a relationship. Like me, you might want to learn to validate yourself and begin to affirm that you are a highly sensual/sexual person, and your partner's lower desire is not a reflection of any failure or unattractiveness, undesirability, or not being loved on your part. Don't apologize for your preferences and desires. I am very comfortable with nudity, enjoy being nude around the house, would love to video our sexual adventures, get a buzz from sex outdoors, etc. My partner is not nearly s enthused about these things, but I no longer try to hide or apologize for my preferences and enthusiasm for them.

Ultimately, sex is about communication, but not in the sense most folks think: it is about a deeper level of self confrontation to control our own anxiety and allow ourselves to be genuinely 'known' in the most total sense...and that takes a good bit of work to achieve. Communication at this level, in relationship terms, is called 'differentiation'.

[Mikayla1]

Sounds to my like your hubby might have some ED issues (which could be caused by a whole host of reasons from being overweight to hormonal issues to psychological issues). Listen, men are VISUAL people. They like to LOOK. They like to look at naked women. They like to LOOK at YOU. Most men do not sit around thinking, 'damn, I wish my wife/gf would look like Porno Princess A - they wish you would ACT more like her. I don't mean what they DO (3somes and stuff) but their ATTITUDE. The one thing that porn stars have is an uninhibited attitude. They love sex (or at least pretend to love sex) and they are approachable, open, sexy (and not just in looks) and erotic. They are the epitome of sexual in every sense of the word.

Porn is not the problem. Regular viewing of pornographic images can actually help a marriage, not hurt it. But, that is another discussion.

So, what do our men want? They want us to be open, sexually free, not want the lights off all the time. They want us to WANT them and to show them that we DO. Of course your HB likes to watch you play with your toys - because you are being sexually free, wanton, exploring yourself. You are beautiful when you are aroused and this makes him happy. Of course he got hard, he was watching - playing voyeur - and this is a no-pressure situation. This is what makes me think he might have performance anxiety ED.

When men have this, they find it rather easy to cum by self-stim (masturbation, i.e. the porn images). There is no one to please - or dissapoint - but themselves. They can rub one out in minutes or hours - no pressure, it is what they want. Now, when they have to please you, and get hard and stay hard to fuck you, they get nervous. The erection starts to go away, they freak out and then just sort of....withdraw.

Trust me, this happened to my husband a few times in our marriage. It took me some reading, research and some discussions for me to believe it wasn't me. Yes, I did think it was ME. He married this size 8 model and I didn't remain a size 8. However, my attitude remained the same - I was still open, sexy, erotic and sensual. The ED issue was about stress in his workplace and once his penis deflated once - the fear that it would again and again made him stop wanting sex.

I did a lot of research and found out what was going on. We fixed the problem (although, it does happen every so often again) and I can tell you, men do NOT like to talk about or admit that this happens.

So, you may have to have a discussion with him about this. What you can't and shouldn't do is worry that it is YOU. However, if you have a negative self-esteem than just the idea that you are working to make yourself healthier can do wonders for your self-esteem. Exercise is in itself an aphrodisiac. It is proven to boost the libido and feeling better will make you feel more sexy AND allow him to see your new confidence. Always make changes in yourself for YOU not for anyone else.

I hope this helped!

[Tyger]

Well, you got some great advice already. To help comfort your fears, my hubby had worta the same thing happen, One testicle wrapped around the other one, and choked it off (killed it)and they had to surgically remove one testicle. He ejaculates, and has a great sex drive with just the one. The only thing that they dr.'s screwed up on, was that they told him he never could have children. Of course, this was in the early 70's, so they thought he couldn't heal as much as he did. He has 2 kids now. So, assure him that that really has nothing to do with his sex drive, just sperm production, as Mikayla said.

~Best Wishes!!!

[sun_flower969]

hmmm... my bf likes a lot of porn an we have a so-so sex life. i never knew about the extent of it until i went to his apt one time and his computer screen saver was just pictures of random girls (some very dirty, some were pics of actresses, and the rest were totally random) i started crying right then and there! i found out later that when i come over he usually changes his screen saver to hide his dirty secret. i sorta accepted that he just doesnt want to have sex much, but when i saw that i couldnt believe that he would rather stare at those women that have sex with me. it still bothers me today...

last night i really wanted to get to the bottom of his low sex drive, and i was very disappointed. i put on a cute garter belt (that he actually bought for me) and matching bra and panties, got to the bedroom and asked him what he likes about having sex... what he likes to do to me, what he wants to do, and what he would like me to do... he was completly clueless. he just said he likes havin' sex, the way it is. i asked if he could be more specific, while i told him a thousand things i like about having sex with him. he couldn't! he completly shut me out and asked why i was interogating him. i started crying and told him how fustrated i was, and he tried to open up more, but i never really got and answers out of him. he told me he doesn't like oral, (either side) and he likes to look at my boobs... i did ask how he felt about toys and he told me he was fine with us bringing a little vibe into bed (awesome!) i told him that if he ever wants to try anything new, to just bring it up, and not be shy. he said he would try.

i thought this would have turned out different! i thought he would tell me his dirty fantasies, and show me that me wants to please me and be pleased by me. but instead i got, "i like boobs". is he just shy, or does he not trust me? or does he really like boring (for me) sex? uhhh... i still has some work to do, but its a start!

does anyone think that porn can contribute to a low sex drive? he told me last night that he thinks if he never looked at porn, our sex life would still be the same... i just dont know about that...

I think the thing that bothers yo the most is the secrecy right? Now most people on here know I have issues with porn... now I am going to TRY not to push my feelings on you...

Porn has its place, yes. It can be fun to incorporate into a relationship and useful for solo time. There is such a thing as too much however and the first indication of that is when it becomes something that divides you instead of unites you.

The hiding... I would feel the exact same way! If he were openly watching or telling you about it then maybe it wouldn't have been such a shock. I think a lot of the time men hide this behavior because of their upbringing etc... They feel it is taboo and deep down feel guilty. Which could also be his issue with oral sex...

Could you feel comfortable enough to watch with him? discussing YOUR fantasies could bring about his! Watching too could inspire you both!

Now about the porn/low sex drive thing... that is tricky... I mentioned too much being a bad thing, well for some people, if they are really sort of 'obsessed' with porn... excessively masturbating looking for more and different and harder-core it is possible for someone to become desensitized. When you are continually looking for stronger stimulation like hardcore porn with crazy situations etc... it can be difficult for some to feel the same way when its just one on one... I am talking about seriously excessive here like, a person would rather masturbate than have sex with a loving partner at any given time. Not a low sex drive per se but an issue nonetheless.

NOT saying this is your situation but it a very real issue out there and since you asked, I wanted to share my thoughts.

Porn in and of itself can be fun but too much of anything can have negative results. Talk about it try to get him to open up about his wants and desires (maybe even via what he is viewing in particular) he might be embarrassed to share, thinking he is weird or dirty or something. Reassure him that you want to do things with/for him. You want to be his porn star!!

Best wishes to you!!

[amberlin]

sorry ive been away guys, but what great advice ive gotten! thanks so much to everybody!

i have talked about exercising with by bf, we could both use a little exercise. and it would be great if we could go exercise together. he is a little overweight and he gets little to no exercise. i think its a great idea and could possibly increase his libido! i would love for us to be more active, sittin' on the couch everyday gets real old, real fast.

i need to work on my attitude about sex. i have come a long way, but im still kinda immature when it comes to sex. both of us are somehow childish about a very adult activity. when im nervous i guess its what i fall back on. (being cute and being sexy can be very different)

i was curious about what he was watchng on his computer, so i watched a couple of videos. i can see why it's addicting! the problem for me was that i was thinking about other people having sex, instead of how i want to have sex. it sounds weird, but like sunflower said, i felt "desencitized". i havent watched any since, but i would love to have the confidence those girls in those videos do! (workin on it!) i dont even mind the porn so much, its just that he felt that he has to hide it from me that hurt. i would even watch it with him if he wanted! however, i think that too much porn is a bad thing! (for my relationship anyway)

i have thought about his problem possibly being ED, but i havent really talked to him about it. i know he defenitly doesn't want to talk about it. i think im just the high desire partner and he's the low desire partner like hyokahey said. i can deal with that. before i just waited and waited for him to initiate, and when he never did i was heartbroken. i need to be the initiater, and i need to be the one to turn him on first.

ya'll have really great advice guys! you have already helped me so much, and ive only been here for a week! :)

[hyokahey]

I'm glad the comments are helping you---that is what this place is about, and why I came here in the first place.

Here is one add, since the thread has sooo much content, and there are so many directions it can go:

Guys grow up never really having to 'claim' their sexual side; we learn that it is part of us, and we get social permission to be aggressive (read: sexual), while many women have not had this experience, but figure out that they need to claim and own their own sexuality and sensuality. Once you are able to claim and validate your own sexual desires as good, wholesome, and right, you be free of the childlike approach you mention. You have a right to your preferences, desires, sensuality, and feelings of being aggressive when it comes to sex. When you are authentically you, your are giving your partner a most intimate gift: a clear view of who you really are...you are inviting them to know you in the deepest, most intimate sense...and that is just beautiful!

[amberlin]

i never thought of it that way, but you are right! i need to own my sensuality!