Intimate Discussions

[hyokahey]

How do you tell your lover that they are.....lazy in bed?

[ilovebabyjada]

How do you tell your lover that they are.....lazy in bed?

i'm not sure if i would call this situation lazy or not, but the other night we were going at it.. and i looked at him and said 'we are always doing the same thing.. night after night... me on top.. all the time.. it's going to get really boring, really quick' and i know it was hard for him & i could tell he was getting mad at me, but after we had this little talk, he mixed it up a little bit.. tried something new. it was an amazing night.

[ladylove]

I think the key is not to be negative and say 'you're a lazy lover'. You need to be on neutral ground and start talk. Ask if there is anything your mate would like to try, or would like you to do for them, then when that is addressed, I'm sure your mate will ask how about you? You can delicately, staying positive, go into what you would like. Don't lambast your mate with a laundry list all at once a little at a time is key.

[Mikayla1]

i'm not sure if i would call this situation lazy or not, but the other night we were going at it.. and i looked at him and said 'we are always doing the same thing.. night after night... me on top.. all the time.. it's going to get really boring, really quick' and i know it was hard for him & i could tell he was getting mad at me, but after we had this little talk, he mixed it up a little bit.. tried something new. it was an amazing night.

I sincerly hope you did not literally have this discussion in mid-sex? That would be a giant NO NO.

First, these discussions have to come from a healthy perspective at a healthy time. As LadyLove suggests, you can't just laundry list your 'wants and needs' - you have to include their desires, wants and needs.

What I think would be most effective is to have a discussion where the question was posed, 'what do you think of our sex life?' When he or she starts talking about what he or she likes or dislikes the lines of communication open to include the issues of being 'lax' in bed. The word 'laziness' is a very charged word with extremely negative connotations. I would be more likely to say, 'hey, honey, I feel like our sex life has become sort of mechanical or unenthused and would love to step it up and see just how hot we can make it!'

I am a very emotional person - and it is hard for me to not just say 'you are L A Z Y dude' - but I know that it will not get me anywhere to say such things. The best way to attack this is to have an open dialogue - meaning, no accusations, no criticisms, no 'pointing the finger' - but a conversation that includes the good with the not-so-good aspects of the sex life. Then, hopefully, both partners will feel optimistic and enlightened about the sexual relationship as a whole!

[ilovebabyjada]

I sincerly hope you did not literally have this discussion in mid-sex? That would be a giant NO NO.

it wasn't really during sex.. it was more like when we were deciding that we should have sex (that night)

[jhard]

How do you tell your lover that they are.....lazy in bed?

Hopefully your lover is also your wife or SO! The best thing that I can think of is to paint your partner a picture of what your "perfect" love life would be like, and that you want her to share it with you. Ask her what she thinks about it or what her idea of a perfect love life is. After that you can talk about how the two of you can go about changing things to get there.

I am coming to believe that there is little the high desire partner can do to change the low desire partner. The problem with patience is that some day you will be old and probably unable to perform anyway and you at some point have to ask yourself if you are either going to do certian things or will have lived and died without doing them. Maybe an ultimatum would work better than beating about the bush, I don't know. I guess you could also do what millions of people do, that is be all smiles and polite and fuck like rabbits with someone on the side. An aqauntance of mine who cheated on his wife said that his wife became way hornier after she found out about his loose canon, she is now determined to be the one to empty his sack. He says he can't keep up with her nowadays. Oh well, if we're lucky one day well be senior citizens on a bench drinking and laughing about all our concerns in our younger days.

[mailahn97]

An aqauntance of mine who cheated on his wife said that his wife became way hornier after she found out about his loose canon, she is now determined to be the one to empty his sack. He says he can't keep up with her nowadays.

I have a friend of mine that went through something similar. His wife had suspicions that he was and then all of a sudden she started taking more of an interest. Went from barely ever wanting to...to at that time wanting it twice in one day. Yet normally would say she wasn't in the mood or that it would hurt her at times. I don't doubt at times she had some disomfort, but I felt bad he was going through this.

It just shocked me when all of a sudden she was able to without any lack of desire or pain once she thought he was going elsewhere. Goes back to pleasing your partner and not being lazy about it. If you love them then enjoy being pleased and pleasing them.

[WendyNY]

you at some point have to ask yourself if you are either going to do certian things or will have lived and died without doing them.

JHard---This is perfect. At some point you have to do things for YOU.

Make some changes and just be happy.

Life is waaaaaay too short to be miserable.

You can only go so long before you either "blow up" or go elsewhere.

Hyokahey---

Is the "laziness" in the bedroom spilling out into other aspects of your life with each other

or is it mainly just in the bedroom ? If it's just in the bedroom,

then you have gotten some great advice about trying to gently communicate

the fact that you want to try different things.

But---if it's like my life was, then you need to make some changes.

In my case, I hold everything in usually and the problems weren't just in the bedroom.

What I finally did was equal to the saying my friend has----

I "Pulled the RED STRING on the Train" !!"

It was a wake up call to my husband about our relationship.

But----we ended up finally communicating and things have spun around for us---

In the bedroom and outside.

So, as the REO Speedwagon lyrics go---

"If you're tired of the same old story, turn some pages".

[ladylove]

Interesting on this page low desire is attributed to women, which seems as though it would be easier to deal with. A women who has a low libido will still have sex, if she can't orgasm ok, sometimes that happens. Society accepts and expects this and men will commiserate together over it. If a man has a low libido and doesn't want to have sex there is little one can do, and It it a huge no-no to discuss, because a 'real' man always wants sex. Also men with low desire can have performance problems which makes penetrative sex impossible. Women tend to find themselves alone and isolated not daring to discuss the matter. Just a thought.......

[hyokahey]

Agreed and well stated, LadyLove. The issue is not one of communication, but one of differentiation. Thanks all, for reminding me of that.

[jhard]

Agreed and well stated, LadyLove. The issue is not one of communication, but one of differentiation. Thanks all, for reminding me of that.

I am not sure that differentiation is at the base of all this. I read the book by Schnarch and at one point was ready to go there for help in solving some issues. Logistically difficult for me so it never happened. The way I see it, you could be well differentiated till the day you die and still have never experienced the intimacy you long for. Without a doubt a certian degree of differentiation is healthy, but to think that being maximally differentiated will bring about change in one's partner is to me, living with one's head in the sand. I know of two cases where infidelity was the shock that woke up the low libido/lazy lover to the seriousness of thier situtation and both situations did wonders for the couples sex lives. Some people won't change until something absolutely forces them to change.

j

[vanilla_bean]

How do you tell your lover that they are.....lazy in bed?

You've gotten some great advice already, hyokahey.

It makes me wonder, though, is your partner just lazy in bed or lazy in general? If it's strictly in the bedroom, that would be one thing. If it's lazy in general, then you might have a personality issue to deal with which is pretty tough.

[hyokahey]

I am not sure that differentiation is at the base of all this. I read the book by Schnarch and at one point was ready to go there for help in solving some issues. Logistically difficult for me so it never happened. The way I see it, you could be well differentiated till the day you die and still have never experienced the intimacy you long for. Without a doubt a certian degree of differentiation is healthy, but to think that being maximally differentiated will bring about change in one's partner is to me, living with one's head in the sand. I know of two cases where infidelity was the shock that woke up the low libido/lazy lover to the seriousness of thier situtation and both situations did wonders for the couples sex lives. Some people won't change until something absolutely forces them to change.

j

Of course differentiation of self does not, will not; cannot change your partner. Differentiation allows me to soothe my disappointments, not take my partner's behaviors personally or as a invalidation of my sexuality , preferences, intimacy, or sense of being lovable. Infidelity is not an option for me, either as a gentleman or a Christian. Intimacy, in Schnarch's most recent book called 'Intimacy and Desire' is clearly a unilateral experience that I have recently learned about and have experienced.

[hyokahey]

You've gotten some great advice already, hyokahey.

It makes me wonder, though, is your partner just lazy in bed or lazy in general? If it's strictly in the bedroom, that would be one thing. If it's lazy in general, then you might have a personality issue to deal with which is pretty tough.

My partner is my best friend and the love of my life. She lives with a number of physical issues, including fibromyalgia and thyroid problems. Discerning these issues from laziness is not an easy task for me. I have come to value my marriage commitment above all else.

[ladylove]

This is my problem. My husband doesn't really have an interest in having sex with me anymore.

Did you have this issue prior to marriage?

[SensualWoman]

This is my problem. My husband doesn't really have an interest in having sex with me anymore.

I thought that you had just gotten married? Or I might be talking about someone else... hehe

[ladylove]

I thought that you had just gotten married? Or I might be talking about someone else... hehe

You are right she just got married within the last couple of mths. Not sure of the exact date. Hence my question..... Did you have this issue prior to marriage?

[jhard]

This is my problem. My husband doesn't really have an interest in having sex with me anymore.

What was he like before you got married? Although in the minority, there are some guys that just have a very low sex drive. I know of families where low sex drive runs in the family through generations, with most of the males just about indifferent towards sex.

From a guy's perspective, I think the best course of action may be to be upfront and ask him what is going on. You don't want something like this to drag on, it does'nt get better on it's own.

j

[jhard]

Of course differentiation of self does not, will not; cannot change your partner. Differentiation allows me to soothe my disappointments, not take my partner's behaviors personally or as a invalidation of my sexuality , preferences, intimacy, or sense of being lovable. Infidelity is not an option for me, either as a gentleman or a Christian. Intimacy, in Schnarch's most recent book called 'Intimacy and Desire' is clearly a unilateral experience that I have recently learned about and have experienced.

Your position is admirable and I share it for the same reasons. I have not always managed to maintain it as well as I would have liked. The "straw that broke the camels back" for me happened one anniversary night when I was getting some oral and she looked like she swallowed pure poison when she got a little precum and exclaimed "not for another 10 years, if this is what you want go and pay for it somewhere". When I planned an exquisite vacation and asked her what she thought about it she said she did not want to go since all I wanted to do was fuck anyway. Well excuse me for wanting to fuck with my wife, I thought. Hundreds of situations like this over many years causing who knows how many sleepless hours and thoughts of suicide and at times resentment so thick that you could cut it with a knife all finally led me to basically give up on someday finding the passion I hoped to find. As I turned another decade older I could not shake the thought that I will have lived and died and never even had one decent blowjob, to completion and beyond.

As an aside, I will say that our situation recently has improved. In part because I found out that you can not find meaningful intimate passion by paying for it so that option has lost its flavour, in part also because I feel badly about my shortcomings and I suppose am therefore willing to exercise more patience yet in waiting and hoping for a higher degree of intimate passion.

j

[Mikayla1]

JHard,

Clearly you must have interest in your wife outside of sex as you have stayed with a woman who seems to not be what you want or desire in the sexual way. I have to ask, being devil's advocate, why are you still married? I understand commitment, I understand 'for better or for worse' - I do get that. However, I am reading what you are saying here and it seems as though she is downright mean and spiteful about you wanting a healthy sex life with her. Listen, oral sex is normal and healthy and it is not a 'circus act' in the sexual realm. It seems to me that as long as you are willing to reciprocate that intimacy with her that you have every right to desire her to share that with you.

I do agree that while purchasing sex can only get you the physical act and will not get you the intimate connection - I wonder how strong an intimate connection you can have with your wife if she is unwilling to participate in a truly intimate experience or even discuss it as something that arouses you. Is oral sex the only piece missing from your marital bed?

This post discusses intimacy and the discussion of what we want, need and desire from our partner. This is not an easy discussion to have for many of us; and for others it is easy to have the discussion but never renders results. I don't think that there are many people out there in the world who have the absolute 'perfect' sexual match - I for one have a partner who is mostly willing to do anything 'normal' that I want sexually, but when my tastes shift from the vanilla zone, we have issues. It is not a deal breaker, but it is an issue.

In my opinion - and this is just MY OPINION - any woman who refuses to have oral sex and pleasure her partner in that way when he is able and ready to please her orally is simply lazy and uniterested in pleasing her partner in a normal and healthy way. I think that the 'Catholic' excuse or the 'Good girls don't do that' line is overused. I think that the 'it is gross and disgusting' view is childish. I think that the lack of desire to turn on your partner is disgusting and these women (or men) who don't want to put in the effort to be arousing and to arouse their partners are simply NOT good lovers.

Can they learn to be better? Sure. However, I have learned that the desire to do so seems to be lacking with these women.

I feel that there is a certain level of understanding and deference that MUST be given to any marriage or committed relationship. I do not advocate giving up in the first months or even years of a marriage. However, if you place a strong importance on sex and you are not being satisfied, then it is a miserable way to live a life! To my knowledge we only get one chance here on this earth and to spend it in a sexless or virtually non-intimate or non-satisfying sexual relationship just seems like a waste of time to me. Of course, there are exceptions to this opinion with extreme injuries, medicinal, medical or hormonal issues. However, simply saying 'if you want oral you can go pay for it because I won't do it' - does not constitute a legitimate reason for withholding this.

I am sorry JHard that this has to be your reality. I salute your patience in trying to make it better and holding out for more. I hope that it works out for you - I really do.

[Mikayla1]

Brandy:

It is VERY new in the relationship to be having sexual issues like this. From what I can see, you are a sexy and vibrant woman. You seem to have a good idea of what he likes and what turns him on as well as being willing to supply that. I would say, if I had to put all my money on one horse, that stress and pressure about having a baby is causing a bit of Erectile Dysfunction and/or libido issues.

Stress + Men does not = good sex.

My best suggestion: lay off the discussions of having a baby. I know how hard that is once you have 'the itch' - but just for a bit. Try to find ways to relax him. Plan a weekend away somewhere, give him a massage, go for long walks at night. Generally, try to destress him. Don't put so much pressure on sex or the idea that you WANT to have sex. Just try to let it happen more organically as opposed to expectantly. I would suggest getting more exercise and having him look for things that make him happy. Get him out with the guys more often, give him alone time. IF his job is not working out, encourage him to look for a new one - or point out why this job is really good for him. Make lemonade with your lemons. Don't give up.

He is only 29 - which is in NO WAY old. He should have some semblence of a sex drive and if he doesn't it points to a hormonal level or ED. Would he be willing to be tested for such?

I hope things get better for you - but for now, these are my best suggestions.

[bazil323]

So true! For what it's worth, I definitely think that the multiple places that could be putting some stress on him are probably really weighing him down and making him feel too tired and stressed to be interested in sex right now. Firstly, the change in status from single guy to married man is a big one for a lot of guys. Plus, his mom was apparently in poor health, and perhaps he was worried about her dying (not sure how sick she was)? Add to that the potential to become a father and then the potential of not being able to, and you get a lot of new life changes that are a big deal at any one time. I agree with Mikayla to try to de-stress as much as possible and let it flow. It might be really frustrating, but it would be a lot more so if the issue continues to be a problem and becomes a source of fights (which may lead to longterm trust/resentment issues). If you need to, masturbation is a good way to relieve some of the tension, but don't let him forget that you are interested in him and aren't using toys to replace him either. It's a fine balance, but one that may make a huge difference.

As for the OP's original question, there have already been some great tips such as bringing up the subject in neutral, nonsex time and coach it in positive give and take ways. "I really liked it when you did this. I would love it if you did that more." Positive reinforcement works 10000% better than negative comments, arguments, and harping.

Sexual dysfunction, whether temporary stress-related issues or longterm hormonal or psychiatric issues, is one of the most difficult topics to talk about for both the person experiencing the problem and for their partner, and for professionals like doctors and therapists whose advice may be needed. It takes tact and patience.

[hyokahey]

I'm so sorry for hijacking your thread.

That's why it is called a 'thread'...you never know where it will lead!

[WendyNY]

Hundreds of situations like this over many years causing who knows how many sleepless hours and thoughts of suicide and at times resentment so thick that you could cut it with a knife all finally led me to basically give up on someday finding the passion I hoped to find. As I turned another decade older I could not shake the thought that I will have lived and died and never even had one decent blowjob, to completion and beyond.

As an aside, I will say that our situation recently has improved. In part because I found out that you can not find meaningful intimate passion by paying for it so that option has lost its flavour, in part also because I feel badly about my shortcomings and I suppose am therefore willing to exercise more patience yet in waiting and hoping for a higher degree of intimate passion.

j

JHard--

Your post made me want to cry.

I agree with everything Mikayla said.

She did ask if it was just the "oral" that was missing from your relationship.

In reading between the lines and in reading some of your other posts,

I have this feeling that it's not the only thing that's missing.

What your wife is doing is "rejecting YOU", or at least making you feel rejected.

No one wants to feel that way.It makes you feel badly about yourself

and makes you feel as if something is wrong with you.

We all have our needs, wants and desires. It's not being selfish.

You have every right to want to "fuck your wife" and you have every right

to want to have her WANT to perform oral sex.

You are also desiring that "intimate emotional connection".

You tried to find it by paying for it, and there was something missing.

That really says something about you---

It shows that you're not just looking for S-E-X---

You want to be loved and you want to be able to love someone.

You want to be able to love your wife in the way you want to---

whether it's "fucking" her or "making love" to her. It's HER you want to be with.

Now---you just need to somehow get through to her and honestly express how you feel.

[sun_flower969]

JHard--

Your post made me want to cry.

I agree with everything Mikayla said.

She did ask if it was just the "oral" that was missing from your relationship.

In reading between the lines and in reading some of your other posts,

I have this feeling that it's not the only thing that's missing.

What your wife is doing is "rejecting YOU", or at least making you feel rejected.

No one wants to feel that way.It makes you feel badly about yourself

and makes you feel as if something is wrong with you.

We all have our needs, wants and desires. It's not being selfish.

You have every right to want to "fuck your wife" and you have every right

to want to have her WANT to perform oral sex.

You are also desiring that "intimate emotional connection".

You tried to find it by paying for it, and there was something missing.

That really says something about you---

It shows that you're not just looking for S-E-X---

You want to be loved and you want to be able to love someone.

You want to be able to love your wife in the way you want to---

whether it's "fucking" her or "making love" to her. It's HER you want to be with.

Now---you just need to somehow get through to her and honestly express how you feel.

Ditto that Wendy!!