Need A Parents Advice

[mystofpric]

Okay so as some of you know I live with my friend Tina and her kids. Now on the general I love these kids but lately the new kid smell has worn off and I'm beginning to see them for exactly what they are. Well no, exactly what her 10 year old son is. A beastly little rude, manipulating spoiled brat. Yeah, its true.

I babysit for Tina when she has to work nights when I don't have to work. The last time I watched them, I let J go out and play with his kids and told him to be home by 8. That's pretty normal for a 10 year old right? So 7:50 I send him a text message: "hey it's almost 8, you shoud start heading home." No response. I search the neighborhood for an hour with no sign of him, I try asking Tina what I should do and she tells me just to go out and look for him. I end up stopping because his sister is tired and wants to go home. FINALLY at 10pm he rolls in! WTF When I ask him why he didn't come home he told me "I didn't think you were serious because Mommy lets me stay out til 9:30." WTF I sent him to bed with no tv. Tina never punished him.

This kid gets EVERYTHING he wants. No questions asked, even if he's being bad, he's gonna get it. Which is bullshit, but that's her decision. Here's my issue: I'm sick of him disrespecting me. He wants to treat her like shit, that's fine, but I won't stand for it. Trouble is, I can't do anything since he's her brat. The other day he told me "Mommy said you're going to be moving out soon." When I confronted Tina, she said he was just making trouble. WTF. Really?!

So here's my dilemmia, what do I do? I mean as we speak I'm TRYING to watch TV and he has music blasting. I already asked him to turn it down, but now her immature boyfriend is sitting right there with him blasting the music louder. Any suggestion on how I take this up with Tina because I live here too and I deserve respect, just as much as anyone else does. This kid flips me off, give me dirty looks, when I call him on his behavior he punches things and throws a hissy fit, swear to god. He crys is someone tells him to do something. I'm at the end of my rope. The kid needs a good spanking! Or to be grounded to a room with nothing but books for a solid month. UGH!!!! Okay parents advices is much welcome cause this is gonna cause a rift in our friendship.

[Tyger]

Well, as a step-parent, I can relate to a degree.

Now, you live in their house, I presume? If so, there are a few more restrictions on you. Her house, her rules. If it were me, I would INSIST on a family meeting, including BOTH children AND the mother. Set down EXACTLY what the rules are, what's acceptable (for them), and how things will be handled. Parents can be very if-y, and the kids WILL lie to get away with more stuff "Well, mom lets me....". It happens with substitute teachers ALL of the TIME. That way, the boy can't lie, you'll know what to do, and the kids will know EXACTLY what's expected of them. INSIST that everyone's there.

Best Wishes!!! & Good luck!

[mystofpric]

Well, as a step-parent, I can relate to a degree.

Now, you live in their house, I presume? If so, there are a few more restrictions on you. Her house, her rules. If it were me, I would INSIST on a family meeting, including BOTH children AND the mother. Set down EXACTLY what the rules are, what's acceptable (for them), and how things will be handled. Parents can be very if-y, and the kids WILL lie to get away with more stuff "Well, mom lets me....". It happens with substitute teachers ALL of the TIME. That way, the boy can't lie, you'll know what to do, and the kids will know EXACTLY what's expected of them. INSIST that everyone's there.

Best Wishes!!! & Good luck!

Okay well Monday, we're signing a lease together, so it's our house. But i like the idea of a family meeting.... Now to just convince her of the idea. I knew just strangling him would be bad!

[angelkisses98]

Okay well Monday, we're signing a lease together, so it's our house. But i like the idea of a family meeting.... Now to just convince her of the idea. I knew just strangling him would be bad!

BEFORE you sign ANYTHING, have this meeting and lay down some rules. Since it's also going to be your place as well, you have the right to lay down some rules of your own. Let them know you will not tolerate being treated like that. That as his mother, if she wants to allow for him to treat HER that way, thats fine. but you will not stand for it.

Sit down with her, and set down some ground rules for the "house" . Include the kids as well.

[LilGreenPuffer]

I'm not a parent, but as a former daycare counselor/supervisor, I think I can relate pretty well. I also had to deal with difficult kids, but I didn't have a parents' authority, so I think your situation is pretty similar. I agree completely about the family meeting. When you're spending a lot of time with these kids, often as a caretaker, and your idea of discipline is very different from the parents', a contract or a set of rules is crucial. The parent has to be on board with your requirements (like respect, obedience, and consequences), and you have to be on board with their rules and not tread on their toes. Have a meeting with Mom where you explain your concerns and you can come to an agreement about what you are allowed to do in terms of discipline and what is expected of the children towards you, then a meeting with the whole family where the kids learn that you are not a rug to walk on and that you do have some degree of authority over them. The amount of authority should be made clear. Can you ask them to do chores while you are taking care of them? Can you have rules that are different from Mom's? Can you punish them for disrespecting or disobeying? What are these rules and punishments going to be? The same as Mom's? Different? Getting it all down on paper will be helpful, even if it's not a "contract" - you will probably want to refer to it if you forget, and you might need to have something to point to and say "See, I'm not making it up" when the kids act out.

The boyfriend might also need to be included, or at least kept informed by your friend. When a kid plays two adults against each other, it can be a real mess. I went through that a few times at daycare... "But Miss So-And-So said I could!" can be a nightmare with some of the really devious kids.

[Tyger]

I would also say, that since you're going to be roomies and all, free daycare isn't an option. If you want to help her out, ok, but if the boy's going to act like, well, an ass, then you should be paid for your troubles, or have some of the rent taken off, and have the Mom pick it up. Trade-offs. That is FAIR. She'd have to pay a sitter anyway. Ask her what she'd pay for that sort of service. Then, ask if she'd be willing to trade off or pay you. Offer a reduced rate if you want, but I wouldn't do it for free. She may be your friend, but if he's going to be a lot of trouble, you should be paid for it. After all, he's not YOUR responsibility, he's his Mother's. Plus, many (but not all) single, dating parents have a tendancy to "forget" and take advantage of "help", & then they get pissed when that "help" is rescinded, ruining a friendship. So, I'd get that agreement down, and IN WRITING ASAP. Also, keep a log of when & what times you sit, the rate, and have a copy of it made when you give her your share of the bill money (if you both decide to do trade-offs). Roommates have gotten a lot more petty, so having everything IN WRITING is the safest way to cover both of your asses, in case something goes bad between you, and then one of you sues the other. Trust me, it happens A LOT!

But I do agree, have this meeting BEFORE you sign a lease with her.

[hyokahey]

Thank God for people like her, they are my bread and butter.

[mystofpric]

Okay so yesterday we go and pick this kid and his sister up from day camp and get told the director of the camp (nice guy) needs to talk to Tina. Apparently J was running his mouth and made a few racial comments telling on kid he was going to die because he's black (WTF?!!!) and calling another girl and Oreo because she's black but acts white. It took everything I had not to hunt this kid down and beat him soundly. I should note that I don't believe in child abuse, but I good spanking goes a long, long way. I also should point out that my niece is of mixed racial background. Tina, on the other hand, has a short talk with him (10 minutes at most) and then, ready for this? TAKES HIM SWIMMING!

Who wants to take bets on how long it'll be before he either shoots his mouth off to the wrong person or ends up in jail?

[ladylove]

Ok here's the deal.... here kids here rules for them. Period.

You don't have to help her out by babysitting for her or anything else, it's totally your call. The only thing you can talk to your friend about is that if you are helping her out, out of the goodness of your heart, she must have a talk with her kids to let them know what you say goes. That doesn't mean she'll enforce it but it's something. I would THINK very long and hard before signing a lease with her. Never forget, they are her children, they will ALWAYS come first, you are the odd man out. I hate to say it but it's true. I hope I haven't hurt your feelings with that last statement.

[mystofpric]

Ok here's the deal.... here kids here rules for them. Period.

You don't have to help her out by babysitting for her or anything else, it's totally your call. The only thing you can talk to your friend about is that if you are helping her out, out of the goodness of your heart, she must have a talk with her kids to let them know what you say goes. That doesn't mean she'll enforce it but it's something. I would THINK very long and hard before signing a lease with her. Never forget, they are her children, they will ALWAYS come first, you are the odd man out. I hate to say it but it's true. I hope I haven't hurt your feelings with that last statement.

Not at all LL, thats why i was asking for help. Im watching them on Friday, and hopefully well get the chance to talk before then. If not the brat isnt leaving the house. and I dont really care how upset he gets.

[sun_flower969]

UGH I would go out of my mind!! I am pretty strict with my kids and they know not to mess with me. The trouble is, this kid is TEN! (too old for spanking) He is already used to getting everything he wants, spoiled to death and now it is in his character. Everyone has given great advice here. All I can say is yeah, talk to the mom, he needs to be respectful if nothing else. Just remember that SHE is the parent and if you try to install new limits in his life you may end up with some static from her also. It isn't going to be easy... good luck!!

[ladylove]

Not at all LL, thats why i was asking for help. Im watching them on Friday, and hopefully well get the chance to talk before then. If not the brat isnt leaving the house. and I dont really care how upset he gets.

Ok, I go back to the mom having to talk to the child about you being in charge and what you say goes. Never underestimate the power of positive reinforcement. It usually works better than punishments. Make sure you praise him for the good stuff always!

But if she doesn't carry through he will know there isn't any consequences for bad behavior, or not following the rules so it will go in one ear and out the other. You may also need to get permission from the mom to hand out consequences to the 10yr old. She needs to be on the same page with you and not dismiss your authority. If she does give you the authority she needs to make sure he understands that, and be sure it will still be very hard and at time you may feel like your banging your head against the wall. It will be as is you are almost co-parenting since you live together. Good luck!

I, like Sunny, didn't like nonsense and is/was pretty stick. Kids need to know their perimeters without squelching their zest for life.

[mystofpric]

I, like Sunny, didn't like nonsense and is/was pretty stick. Kids need to know their perimeters without squelching their zest for life.

My Parents were the same way! She did tell J that when she's not home I'm in charge and what I say goes. But tonight is my night off and I'm supposed to watch the kids on friday so hopefully tonight we can sit down and I can ask her how she would li8ke me to discipline the kids if i have and how she would like me to respond to him when being a little shit. Both when I'm with her and when I'm not. I'm also ghoing to ask that some spacial rules me set ie knocking when a door is closed and staying the frick out of my room.

[ladylove]

My Parents were the same way! She did tell J that when she's not home I'm in charge and what I say goes. But tonight is my night off and I'm supposed to watch the kids on friday so hopefully tonight we can sit down and I can ask her how she would li8ke me to discipline the kids if i have and how she would like me to respond to him when being a little shit. Both when I'm with her and when I'm not. I'm also ghoing to ask that some spacial rules me set ie knocking when a door is closed and staying the frick out of my room.

Good! I hope you are happy with the outcome of your talk tonight. Let me/us know how it works out for you.

[mystofpric]

Good! I hope you are happy with the outcome of your talk tonight. Let me/us know how it works out for you.

Never happened. They surprised me with a Pandora necklace that they had built together for me, and i felt guilty for being upset. I'm such a push over.

[ladylove]

Never happened. They surprised me with a Pandora necklace that they had built together for me, and i felt guilty for being upset. I'm such a push over.

Love Pandora! Ok, so you couldn't do it tonight Ii understand that. Try to have that talk this weekend, you'll feel better if nothing else.

[12GAUGE]

You need to move out ASAP!!

Put a good quality lock on your bedroom door to keep the brat OUT.

Meantime next time the brat is blasting his music walk up to his stereo and cut the power cord with a pair of wirecutters. If he has a secondary method of irritating you cut this power cord as well. This random act will no doubt give you great joy but I'm sure there will be consequences. Move out as soon as you are able and leave the mom to her juvenile delinquent kid.

[mystofpric]

You need to move out ASAP!!

Put a good quality lock on your bedroom door to keep the brat OUT.

Meantime next time the brat is blasting his music walk up to his stereo and cut the power cord with a pair of wirecutters. If he has a secondary method of irritating you cut this power cord as well. This random act will no doubt give you great joy but I'm sure there will be consequences. Move out as soon as you are able and leave the mom to her juvenile delinquent kid.

Do me a favor 12, if you have nothing constructive or intelligent to say, please don't respond to my posts.

[12GAUGE]

Do me a favor 12, if you have nothing constructive or intelligent to say, please don't respond to my posts.

Give me the same courtesy and I might consider it.

[mystofpric]

Give me the same courtesy and I might consider it.

Well considering the only post i put on there was directed towards two people? Sounds like i did, now stay off my posts.