The Room Mate Marriage

[Haiku]

I know the answer will be different depending on what stage of life you are in, if you have young children still at home, etc., but how many people would stay in a marriage that has basically become a roommate-financial situation? Amicable because you make it a point to be so. No abuse, nothing terrible or ugly going on. Just the bland small talk kind of relationship you have with general acquaintances. Nothing in common but history and grown children, no common interests or stimulating conversation, and utter and complete sexual dysfuntion that cannot be overcome. Some people say that once you hit 50 if you can get along comfortably just stay-the sex won't matter much longer anyway. I think that's a horrible thing think! Maybe it's not the most important thing, but if you don't have real,deep friendship or soul connection either, how can you call that a marriage? Assuming that you've tried everything with no results how many would stay and how many would leave even if it meant financial hardship?

( I wonder - Is is possible to give your detailed opinions as well as answer the poll?)

[ToyQueen]

I think that is a loaded question. I have relatives who "stayed together for the sake of the children". Now that they are older than children being an issue, I think they are just comfortable with the situation the way it is. They are both retired and live their own lives. For some people this seems to work.

My opinion--it would have to be looked at with each individual person each time. Even then things can change...

[sass]

For me, I don't think I would stay. Of course, I am going through a separation right now, and the marriage was doomed from the start. I did tell myself for awhile that I could stay because of the kids (his, which we got physical custody of a week after we married) but I realized that wasn't working. He was and is an ass, so that didn't help, but when the kids told me the only wish they had was for everyone to be happy again, it became pretty clear that "staying for the kids" wasn't working. My marriage was only a year old at the time.

Now, I guess, maybe if we had been together for a long time, and he wasn't an ass, and we could co-exist under the same roof without wanting to kill each other, MAYBE it would be different, but I am not sure. I am a very sexual person, and while that is not the most important thing in a relationship, for me, it is pretty high up there. So, if I wasn't getting it at home, I know I would look elsewhere. That opens a whole new set of issues. What if, when just looking for sex, I found love? Would I leave then? What if it became impossible to lead sort of duel-roles? Kids are smart. What if they found out mom had a new boyfriend while still married? I know divorce can be hard on kids, but so is knowing Mom and Dad are living lies. And is there some magical age when it gets easier for kids? I don't think so. Even grown children can have a difficult time knowing their "happy family" was a lie just for their sake.

I guess with all that said, I do not wish any ill will toward someone who tries to stay for the kids, but I don't think it would work for me. And the financial implications certainly not be.

[Sunday]

I know the answer will be different depending on what stage of life you are in, if you have young children still at home, etc., but how many people would stay in a marriage that has basically become a roommate-financial situation? Amicable because you make it a point to be so. No abuse, nothing terrible or ugly going on. Just the bland small talk kind of relationship you have with general acquaintances. Nothing in common but history and grown children, no common interests or stimulating conversation, and utter and complete sexual dysfuntion that cannot be overcome. Some people say that once you hit 50 if you can get along comfortably just stay-the sex won't matter much longer anyway. I think that's a horrible thing think! Maybe it's not the most important thing, but if you don't have real,deep friendship or soul connection either, how can you call that a marriage? Assuming that you've tried everything with no results how many would stay and how many would leave even if it meant financial hardship?

( I wonder - Is is possible to give your detailed opinions as well as answer the poll?)

At 50 I would not have stayed in such a relationship. But by the time you get to 60 what are you going to do? Finding the "perfect partner" at that age is nearly out of the question. Sure, it may be possible, but who wants to spend their time and energy finding someone, getting to know them, discovering it's another failure, and trying again over and over and over when you could be learning how to love life without it? I'm sure it's an individual thing. I have friends who say they couldn't live without someone at home to share their lives with, but they fuss and bicker all the time. I couldn't stand it, and I wonder if they are really happy.

[thurisas]

My wife and I actually had a time in our lives when we were a roommate relationship. We hadn't had sex in a very long time, we'd pretty well started doing our own things and not really including the other in the doing. It took a conscious decision to try to make things work out. Marriage doesn't work on auto-pilot. Ruts will form and one will end up in a relationship that is not exciting and as such becomes emotionally stunted. In our case it took a near ending of our relationship, a lot of communication, and a little bit of compromise on both our parts.

I answered other because I don't think that 'death til you part' is an option if both parties aren't interested in the marriage, I don't think 'fulfilling needs outside the relationship' is an option because you're just expanding on the lie that your relationship is okay and is and abject betrayal of trust, and leaving would be the only other viable choice if my own life hadn't presented another option.

Randy.

[square]

I'm gonna say, "it depends."

My wife is pretty good with the kids with some things, especially creative-type stuff, school projects, halloween costumes, fixing boo-boos, and setting them up with new threads. But other stuff that I think is imporant is hardly on her radar. So when I think of staying together for the kids, it's not just some nebulous idea that they'd do better in an unbroken home, but that I can take care of some of these things, which wouldn't happen if I weren't around. I'd also miss them.

Kids aside, there was a time when I felt that if our romance fizzled, I'd stick it out and stay faithful out of some sense of duty. I've become more selfish in my middling age and would no longer feel bound to do that.

So looking at once the kids are grown, whether I stuck around or left would depend on how comfortable things were versus how much of a pain it would be living with someone else and all their annoying habbits. I've had my share of roommates, and most people I know who've been roommates ended up hating each other to one degree or another. If staying put, I don't think I'd feel too guilty if I acted on some temptation that came along. But if I left, it would not really be with any expectation of going out and finding some new hottie.

I guess it would depend on her, too. If she found some new boyfriend, I don't think I'd wanna be around, even if things were otherwise amicable and comfortable.

[ladylove]

I would rather leave and hold on to the idea that I would find a man who lights my day and night than live in a roommate situation you describe.

As one other said marriage doesn't just happen, sometimes it takes a lot of hard work form both. I believe we each owe it to ourselves, to love ourselves enough to know we are worthy enough to not only love, but to be loved! To me it's that simple.

[Lisa's Man]

I was married for 8 and a half years. Things were great in the beginning, she has 2 boys from her previous marriage and I took them in, loved and raised them as my own, even though their "donor" was still in the picture. We had another son together and after about 4 years of being married, life seemed to pull us in different directions. Yes, we were a family, but "we" were no longer a couple. The "us" time was simply sleeping in the same bed, sex was bi-monthly at best and there just wasn't the feeling of togetherness anymore. We did the counseling thing, tried "date night" once a week and things got better.. for about 3 months before things got back into a rut. It wasn't for lack of trying on my end but i decided to stay for the kids.

That lasted 2 years before I realized I needed to be happy and left. There were other factors involved that turned my feelings for her into resentment as well. (her drinking had become too much for me to handle, as well as the verbal abuse that came with it.) I was just done. The older boys turned their backs on me as if I'd abandoned them, even though they were old enough to understand a LOT. Our son did just fine and bounced right back. (Especially since he found out about dual birthdays, Christmas, Easter, etc. LOL)

Strange how the human body works. 3 yrs before i left, I was having back problems (spasming in the night), went to my doctor, then a specialist, MRI's, Scans, blood work..everything came back normal. We bought a new expensive bed, tried a dozen or so pillows, anything for possible relief. I also had severe heartburn and was doing pepto bismol shots nightly. 1 week after I left, my back was normal and the heartburn was gone. NOT one Dr. thought about stress as the reason.

[WendyNY]

[strange how the human body works. 3 yrs before i left, I was having back problems (spasming in the night), went to my doctor, then a specialist, MRI's, Scans, blood work..everything came back normal. We bought a new expensive bed, tried a dozen or so pillows, anything for possible relief. I also had severe heartburn and was doing pepto bismol shots nightly. 1 week after I left, my back was normal and the heartburn was gone. NOT one Dr. thought about stress as the reason.

Wow......it sounds like you went through a lot. Marriage is definitely work. There are tons of ups and downs. I think that children do tend to take sides. Hopefully, someday her sons will come around. You were an important part of their lives.

I do believe that stress can cause a lot of problems also. I am glad that you are doing so much better. Yes, there does come a time in everyone's lives where you have to take a stand and just be happy for YOURSELF. I'm glad that you are finally happy.

[Lisa's Man]

Wow......it sounds like you went through a lot. Marriage is definitely work. There are tons of ups and downs. I think that children do tend to take sides. Hopefully, someday her sons will come around. You were an important part of their lives.

I do believe that stress can cause a lot of problems also. I am glad that you are doing so much better. Yes, there does come a time in everyone's lives where you have to take a stand and just be happy for YOURSELF. I'm glad that you are finally happy.

You're right, marriage is work but it shouldn't be worked only from one side. The 2nd time we went to a therapist, she didn't have a clue what I was describing wrong with our marriage.. pure denial there was a problem at all. I made it 4 sessions before I told her I wanted out. I couldn't give myself anymore than I had already done, I was exhausted, stressed and just burned out. I didn't want to fight over anything, all I took with me was my dignity, self respect and a few family heirlooms. That was almost 3 yrs ago. I haven't been this happy since I was in my late 20's. Live and learned, ignore the negative opinions, go against the grain if that's how you feel and NEVER settle when it comes to a SO or spouse.

My oldest step son has kind of come around, but we're more like buddies now than anything. I think he's afraid to look like he's taking sides with me over his mom (I don't blame him) so he keeps his distance. My youngest step son was distant even before the split.. we butted heads a lot due to his many social disorders (highly functioning slight autism, genius level IQ, ADHD along with his inherited manic depression.) Nothing seemed to make him happy and his view was black and white, no gray allowed. Shortly after I left, he moved in with his Dad.

Our son never shed a tear (he was 7) and knew exactly what was going to happen, since he had friends at school with divorced families. He was sad, but he took it the easiest out of the 3. He's my everything and he knows it.

[amyesz@aol.com]

I was in this type of relationship for close to 10 years, and my decision to stay was because I honestly thought that was what I deserved. Luckily he wasn't an abusive person - but being ignored and dismissed felt almost as bad. I stayed for a long time because I'm a "caretaker" I felt that he couldn't do it on his own. I ended up resenting the fact that I became just that - his care taker, and nothing else. I don't blame that all on him, as I have come to realize all the thinks I did to put me in that situation. We were together for almost 9 years, got married in late 09 and I got the nerve to move out early 10. Looking back I realized him finally asking me to marry him was like putting 1 stitch in an amputation! Just didn't fix it. I am now with a man that makes me realize that I am worth more and that I deserve a happy healthy life...so for me, leaving was one of the smartest choices I have ever made!

[everready66]

Well i am in a sexless marriage becasue my husband is ill. I choose to stay but its gets harder everyday to stay.. its been years since we had sex,. He is more like a patient to me now and i dont know what to do. i beleive in the vows i took in sickness and health but you know i really dont know how much longer i can last. He been sick for 7 years and the sex was on and off until the last 2 years it been nothing i know its because he is sick but am not. and you know u start to look at them differently after awhile like i said i see him as a patient and someone who needs taking care of not my husband. sorry but rambling

everready66

[DanATX]

Well i am in a sexless marriage becasue my husband is ill. I choose to stay but its gets harder everyday to stay.. its been years since we had sex,. He is more like a patient to me now and i dont know what to do. i beleive in the vows i took in sickness and health but you know i really dont know how much longer i can last. He been sick for 7 years and the sex was on and off until the last 2 years it been nothing i know its because he is sick but am not. and you know u start to look at them differently after awhile like i said i see him as a patient and someone who needs taking care of not my husband. sorry but rambling

everready66

I feel for you as I'm sure that must be difficult to deal with. Sometimes it helps to look at it from the other person's perspective, how would we feel if we were in their shoes in terms of having someone by our side. I'm unaware of your husband's condition but are you two unable to share any soft of experiences together?