Why Get Married? Why Not Get Married?

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I was at a wedding a while back. One couple at my table was in their 50's, and had a couple of grown daughters (late teens / early 20's). It came to light during the evening that this couple had never married, yet they had been together more than two decades. Someone asked, "Do you ever think about getting <married> -- ?"

Before question was even out, the man and woman both had their hands up in protest, leaning back, shaking their heads and saying, "NOOOooo, NO, No no no no no." It was kind of funny. But it left me wondering, "why not get married?"

Later on I thought, "Why get married?"

There was a time when, if you fell in love and wanted to get a piece and/or raise a family, you got married; it's just what you did. Nowadays, more and more people are living together, having kids, and considering themselves committed, all without getting married.

Is marriage becoming obsolete? Is marriage still important? Does being married make a person more committed, more willing to work through the rough times, make it harder to walk away? Or is marital commitment overrated, given all the failed marriages in the land?

There are religious and legal and tax considerations that will be important for some; none of them were important to me.

Any thoughts on the matter? I don't think there are any right or wrong answers.

[mailahn97]

My divorce became final just about a year ago by my choice. I have decided since then that I will not get remarried. I do not need a piece of paper to prove anything. As long as the person I am with and I love each other that is all that matters.

[WendyNY]

I think wanting to be married depends on how you were raised. In my family marriage was VERY important. My mother was hell bent on making sure my husband and I got married. We had dated for 5 years, which was a long time to her. I think she kind of forced us to get married. I don't think my husband was ready for that (or myself either ) He had just purchased his own house a couple years earlier at age 21. He was enjoying having his own place (even though I came over / stayed over quite often) If we had to go back and do it all over again---I think we would have actually lived together for a long period before deciding to marry.

We have a friend who is single--he has a long time girlfriend. His father has been divorced three times. The first time he was divorced it was to marry the girl who rode the school bus he drove as he had been having an affair with her !! He does not have a good outlook on marriage in general because of his father. He's scared to death to get married.

Marriage is more than just a piece of paper. It's a commitment for life. I think the idea of "Till Death do us Part" is scary to a lot of people. Marriage is not for everyone. You don't have to be married to be with someone you love.

[Kace]

My own personal opinion - within the past few decades, marriage has morphed into something it has never been before. It used to be a business arrangement of sorts that tied families together into financial alliances. Love wasn't a part of it back then as the accepted purpose was monetary, poliitical and reproductive. If you look back as far as Roman times and slightly futher ahead to the Renaissance, there wasn't a HUGE stigma place on "cheating". A marriage solidified a household and provided a setting to raise children but it was quietly accepted that there were sexual flings outside of the household. (At least for men - if a woman was discovered in an affair the consequences were swift and brutal) From what I see, the modern day strict adherance to serial monogamy and marriage as a sacred institution is a very recent construct and one that has its roots in the Puritan ethics.

Do I think marriage is obsolete? Not quite. I think it is being forced into something that's nearly unattainable in this age of instant gratification and expectation of sexual fulfillment as a right. How logical is it to expect that there is a single other differently gendered person out there who will fulfill you in every conceivable way - sexually, monetarily, emotionally, spiritually... It's really absurd. It's no wonder why more marriages fail at such a high rate.

[Krazee_Cowgurl]

I think marriage can be a wonderful thing, my parents have been married almost 30 years, but don't ask my what their secret is I don't know. For me, I would love to get married to the right person and at the right time, so far neither of those have presented themselves. I was with my for just over 4 years, and I really thought he was the one, but we all make mistakes! I guess I should be glad I found out before it put a rock on my finger. Divorce is expensive and messy.

I also don't think a spouse has to fulfill you in every way, just support you and encourage you. Because I think Kace is right, there isn't a perfect match for any one, but I think there are people who are able to see past just themselves and see to their spouse and their needs.

[Tyger]

I think marriage has changed too, mostly on the financial aspect.

Do more people cheat? Probably, given the opportunities that are there due to a more social age, with global avenues to explore.

I think that people have always cheated, however, women were suppose to be overly-tolerant, and it was "the man's right" to do what he pleased since he was the bread-winner of the family. Women are becoming less tolerant, thankfully. It's almost a role-reversal, IMO.

More & more, money becomes involved, and also, people are getting more and more petty. They use the children as weapons, instead of doing what's best for them. Sometimes it seems like divorces are just as primative as the Roman Gladiator Games to me.

I was surprised at myself for agreeing to marry again. My first divorce was due to his cheating, and me catching him. I didn't play games, and we didn't have kids to fight about either. It was pretty quick & amicable, as far as divorces go, thankfully. I do know that, if I were ever to divorce my current husband, I doubt very much I'd get married again, though, never say never I guess .

[thurisas]

I married my best friend after a decade of friendship, after a very prolonged engagement, and now we've been married for for 13 years come august. I think marriage is taken more lightly now adays than it ever has in the past. We didn't marry for religion, we married for our enjoyed companionship. We are now so intertwined in each others lives it would be hard to imagine life without her in my daily existence. I am all for marriage, but you have to truly know the person before you really go down that road

randy.

[RC4BLUE]

At this point in life, I say there is no way I will get married again. As much as I both loved then despised my marriage there are too many things that stop me from going down that road again. When she gave up sharing her life with me and would not talk about anything with me,then told me she would not have sex any more because she was not interested, it left a hole n my life. The worst part is that she is a great person, intelligent, caring, compassionate and strong. She just simply one day told me she was no longer interested in spending her life with me - we we not on the same path. Since then I have never been able to find someone who walks the same path I walk. I have loved deeply and do not need a lisence to prove my love. There is still hope but most likely not marriage.