Swinging

[curlie]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. I am 40 and he is 45 and only been divorced a few months longer than we've dated. We are both divorced and both of our spouses cheating is what caused the divorce.

We are wonderful together, have fun, play, talk, travel and the sex is out of this world. He occasionally mentions something about swinging and would I want to ever do that? At first I said I was curious about those clubs where you have sex in public. We almost went and then I got a visual image of him with another woman and couldn't handle it. I would be way to jealous. He was very understanding and said no big deal. Then the other day he said "if we get married, are you saying we could never swing?" He went on to say that "this is not a deal breaker" and I said no we can't.

How can he say that he loves me and want to share me with another man? or is it that he wants so badly to just play around with another woman that he is willing to tolerate me with another man?

And My big question is, will this ever go away? Or is this desire going to always be there? Should I give in and just try it once or twice? When I told him if I tried it, it could be the end of our relationship he got really upset. I just know me and I am not sure I could ever get that image of him with another woman out of my head.

I need a man to tell me the truth.. can he get over this idea or is he destined to be a swinger or worse yet a cheater?

[Mikayla1]

Welcome Curlie!

Well, you sure do have a huge dilemma here don't you! First, you are both coming out of bad marriages where your spouses CHEATED - in that respect alone I would assume that neither of you would want to be with someone who cheats. However, in the "Swinger" mentality, it isn't cheating if you are consenting with your partner to trade partners!

I can't tell you what to do here, but in my humble experience - men who want to swing, or want to have these kinds of relationships rarely (not never) but rarely give up the notion. Since you are coming out of a relationship that I am assuming was hurtful and probably unpleasant, why would you want to set yourself up for that again? The last thing I am sure you want is to get married and to constantly be pressured from this new man to swing! I mean, you said it yourself, you would be WAY too jealous - that is not going to change honey - not if you get married, not if you date for 10 years - you are still going to be jealous.

Now, do I think you should give in? No - absolutely not. Why should you negate YOUR feelings to please HIM - are your feelings any less valid here than his? If it was anal sex or a sex toy he were talking about I would say, yes - give in and try it. However, we are talking about sex with other people outside of your monongamous relationship. Of course, you are not married yet - so if you were going to try it, I would say now would be the time as opposed to after you are married. The worst that will happen is, he will love it, you will hate it, and your relationship will end.

As for what a man will tell you - I am not sure - I would be interested to hear a man's view on this. This is my woman's opinion!

Good Luck!

Mikayla

[whiskeywoman]

Swinging is fine for some people, and some people are very happy in this type of an open relationship.

You said yourself that you would be jealous if you saw him with another woman.

It is so easyfor others to sit back objectivly and give reasons why he may want to swing,

He may be trying to go through a second teenage phase where he can have as many women as he wants, if he is swinging then he has validation for his actions.

He may want to have that last wild fling before he takes the plunge.

He may also want to put hiself in his ex wife shoes in a rather obscure way.

If he sleeps with another woman while he is with you, he can have that same sense of what it was like to be with someone else while he is with you, But if you agree to swinging, it isn't really cheating.

Maybe he met someone who swings and is fixated on the idea now because the other person made it sound so hot.

I mean, I could honestly sit here all day and think of why all of a sudden he has this interest in swinging.

If you are seriously entertaining the idea just do you can say"yeah I tried it and love/hated it"

I strongly suggest you do some research on the subject.

Talk to some others who swing, see what they have to say about it,

Talk to some other couples who have broken u over it, find out what the hangups were, and why their relationships went bad.

There are so many things that could go wrong with trying to fulfill his fantasy.

I strongly sugget you do some homework on it before making a decision.

Have a talk with you man in a non sexual setting, and find out why he wants this.

Tell him you don't play well with others and are terrible about not sharing your men.

I second Mikayla's advice, If your going to give in to him, do it now, so you know if your relationship will hold up or not.

Best of luck,

Whiskey

[nosleepnmesa]

Hi Curlie! Well I agree highly with the other post. Swinging is a life style, it works well for some but others NO. I have to put in my two cents worth though, being that you both, if I read right are coming out of a bad relationship, also if you were cheating on, then swinging I feel is going to put more stress is this relationship.

I also thing that maybe he is trying to be that teenager again, the no strings attached sex, before the plunge into a deep caring, loving relationship again. Now if you are agreeing to the swinging live style then it isn't cheating at all, I myself would not be able to handle this kind of lifestyle, I am a selfish girl . I share my toys and stuff with my hubby but other then that NO WAY!! I mean I use to have 3somes and stuff before I was married but now I have become selfish.

This decision is yours of course and this is only my two cents worth, I believe that sometimes fantasies are better left as just that, you know toys come in great for this to. Do some research, talk to other swingers, find out what it has caused or not caused in their relationship, I think to have this lifestyle takes unbelievable trust and security in a relationship.

Have a talk with him, see why he wants to do this, also tell him that you might be a selfish girl like me and like to keep him all to yourself. I am also going to have to say that I third Mikaylas advice, if you are going to give it to him do it now so that way you will know if your relationship is really go to be able to handle this or not.

Good Luck and keep us informed!

[Trooper]

With you knowing you will feel jealous and by saying that you would never be able to get the image of him with another out your mind you truly have answered one of your own questions. NO its not for you.

My concern is just how badly does he want this? The reason im saying this is not to way up the chances of him cheating but as a male within a relationship that is not that evenly balanced sexually, I know only too well how much something you desperately want can eat away at you. He may not cheat but will he remain happy? If its just a quick I wouldn't mind ... you will be ok but if its on his to do before I die list you may have future problems

[allit]

I think myself and my wife are too into each other, anyone else would ruin it.

[curlie]

I think myself and my wife are too into each other, anyone else would ruin it.

Thanks for all of your responses. They are well thought out and I appreciate it. I think his curiousity and fantasy is just what we are talking about. On the 3 times it has come up over the last 9 mths he has always said "I don't know if I would like it". When I have asked him "do you want to see me with another man" he says "absolutely no". He says it doesn't matter to him if we never try it. When I told him that it could lead to us breaking up, he got really upset.

And I am the one who brought in new things to the bedroom, toys, costumes and some porn. So he says that he thinks I would get into it. I know he is satisfied and very happy with me. What I don't want is for it is an unsatisfied husband!

So here is one more bone for you guys to pick on....lol. We discussed it 2 times months ago and dropped it, like in April because I said I can't do it. The reason I brought it back up is because he was cleaning out his email in front of me. I think he was showing me that he was not interested in anyone else. We met on Match.com and he cancelled his membership that he paid for in advance etc. Well he cancelled another one. It was for the swingers network. I asked if I could look at it and there he was.. as a married man the year before. According to the last visited this site date, He had not been on the site since March 05, we met in Nov 05. It was them as a couple looking for another couple. So the story goes, he knew she was flirting with the idea of cheating and she would go out dancing all the time. There marriage was in trouble. She asked him to look into the whole swinging life-style thing. He did but within a month she moved out with another man and they never acted on it.

He doesn't lie to me. And I know becuase I don't always like the truth. So I believe this is how it happened.

So did he just get his interest sparked then and having a hard time giving up the fantasy? afterall he was in a bad marriage at the time, I am sure it seemed appealing.

Or is it that he wants to make sure I don't get bored in the relationship?

Or did he want to swing and she didn't that caused the break up?

come on counselors.. what you think now?

[Mikayla1]

I wish I could give you the definitive answer here - but truly, no one knows but your man. I would suggest you ask him the questions you are asking us.

If I had to guess, I would say a man who catches his wife cheating is wounded by that mistrust and that cheating. He wonders, as a man, what this other man could possibly offer that he couldn't - especially in bed. If his ex had asked him about swinging - then I am sure there is a part of him that wonders if you were to "swing" if he would be able to keep you satisfied by "allowing" you to be with another man under his careful eye - and thusly not stray from him when he isn't looking. He seems to be insecure. I would wonder about that.

Tread carefully here - with him - and just be honest and tell him he is the only man you need. That you were cheated on and hurt and don't ever want to do to him, what he did to you or what his wife did to him.

See what happens.

Mikayla