Is This Classified As Cheat?

[nosleepnmesa]

Well let me tell you all the short version of this story. When I was married to my first husband, my husband's brother was married also, his wifes brother and I have always had the hots for one another. I have known him now for 17years he has been in prison for 12.5years now. I have also been faithful going to see him etc... He will never be released, he was on death row for 12years and the sentence was overturned to life in prison plus 265years.

For the first 12years we talked behind glass, no contact what so ever. Just recently he has be moved to a unit that allows contact visits. A brief hug and kiss are allowed before and after each visit, you may hold hands and walk the yard. Now of course since this is my long time love/crush I was extremely excited and of course I give him a hug and kiss and we walk the yard. We do when we have the chance, without getting caught, our hands tend to travel a little, we talk about everything. I write him nasty nasty stories. I flirt with him and of course he flirts back.

My husband knows the relationship between him and I, along with knowing that I do get to hug and kiss him quickly. I visit him every chance I get. I just want to hear everyones opinion on this one. Now I do have to admit if by some miracle, he ever does get out or sex visits is aloud I honestly believe that neither him nor I would be able to control ourselves. Hell we have been waiting for 17yrs to do it and let me tell you it is a hell of a build up. I am happily married and love my husband very much. This man though has always given me the butterfly feeling in my tummy, just thinking about him I get excited. I know cheating topics have been posted numerous times here, I am just wondering what you all think about this.

Thanks and I look forward to all opinions!

[chickenmom]

Katprr:

This is only my opinion, I'm sure other people will disagree. It sounds as though you're already having an emotional affair with this man in jail. You made a commitment to your husband when you married him to forsake all others.

There is no way that I would allow my husband to have any contact with someone that I knew he had an emotional connection. It's cheating any way you look at it.

Your husband is very understanding, but it may be because he doesn't want to lose you. I don't know what his feelings are, only he does. I would imagine that it does hurt him to know that you have feelings for someone else.

It sounds from your posts that you have a wonderful relationship with your husband. He married you and is being a father to your children. I would hate to see that lost, because of something that should have been let go a long time ago.

On another note, I get so much from your advice, candor and encouragement. I appreciate it.

chickenmom

[Mikayla1]

I am going to agree and disagree here. I think that sometimes we have close friends who are so special in our hearts that we just can't limit that association to a friendly hug. Those friends may be priveleged to get hugs, kisses and hand holding. I do have such a friend as well. I have known him FOREVER, I have had a special bond with him that will never go away. I told my hubby about this person before we got married - and he understands that I would never sleep with him. He understands the quick kisses and the hugs. When I say kiss I mean a quick peck, nothing more. My heart belongs to my hubby, but there is a small part of it reserved for this other man.

Now, I am going to say that this type of relationship can be completely harmless to a marriage. It can be just an extenstion of your life with your hubby. OR, if you are dwelling on this person, thinking about this person, or just plain out "lusting" after this person - then your heart is definitely not in the right place. If you are thinking lustful thoughts about this person it does NOT make you a cheater - but it does make you an emotional cheater. This, sometimes, can be far worse than a physical cheating. The idea of it lingers on and on and on and destroys what you have come to build with your hubby!

So, therefore, in my opinion it is not technically cheating, but in the long run because of your feelings it can and probably will be more destructive or as destructive to your marriage as if you were cheating physically.

Just my opinion

Mikayla

[allit]

Just some thoughts from a criminal defense attorney who has handled death penalty cases. When a peson is in prison, they have much time on their hands. That person on the outside is highly magnified. It is very flattering. After sentencing, I am off the case, so a relationship is okay. After my marriage ended I was with one individual. The first week was very, very nice. After that things fizzled quickly. There are reasons people commit crimes, and usually not very good reasons. Also, the institutionalizing in prison creates a person that is usually very dependant and you become more like their parent to them.

[nosleepnmesa]

Allit, I have to let you know just because you said that most of the time people on the outside are highly magnified by people on death row etc... I just wanted to say that I understand where you are coming from on this and yes there are people like that. I on the other hand, have known Aaron for 17years, he has only be locked up for 12.5 years, so we had a great relationship for about 5 years before he ever got in trouble. I mean when I say close relationshipo, he was my best friend, we talked about everything and anything although we both were unable due to circumstances and our own marriages at the time to fulfill what we wanted with each other, we were extremely close. Just a little FYI =)

Mikayla and the others, you have made some very valid points. In fact you all made me cry and maybe this is type of information was what I needed to hear. I am lucky though that I have the hubby I do in alot of ways, when we were dating I told him about Aaron and the feelings I had for him, he understond. I think you are all right in away. I have tried about 3 years ago to let him go, not go see him and I didn't last long my heart felt soo broken. I love my husband dearly and Lord knows we have been threw alot. Mikayla your point on a emotional cheater is right and I Think I am highly guilty of it and Howard thank you to and all of you that have responed.

Just a little more info to, at the jail you can only give a quick peck and quick hug just to to let you all know. So what to do about it? The thought of not seeing him breaks my heart deeply, the thought of not writing him does to. Maybe I think I will sit down with my hubby again and make sure he is still okay with all this.

[allit]

Allit, I have to let you know just because you said that most of the time people on the outside are highly magnified by people on death row etc... I just wanted to say that I understand where you are coming from on this and yes there are people like that. I on the other hand, have known Aaron for 17years, he has only be locked up for 12.5 years, so we had a great relationship for about 5 years before he ever got in trouble. I mean when I say close relationshipo, he was my best friend, we talked about everything and anything although we both were unable due to circumstances and our own marriages at the time to fulfill what we wanted with each other, we were extremely close. Just a little FYI =)

Mikayla and the others, you have made some very valid points. In fact you all made me cry and maybe this is type of information was what I needed to hear. I am lucky though that I have the hubby I do in alot of ways, when we were dating I told him about Aaron and the feelings I had for him, he understond. I think you are all right in away. I have tried about 3 years ago to let him go, not go see him and I didn't last long my heart felt soo broken. I love my husband dearly and Lord knows we have been threw alot. Mikayla your point on a emotional cheater is right and I Think I am highly guilty of it and Howard thank you to and all of you that have responed.

Just a little more info to, at the jail you can only give a quick peck and quick hug just to to let you all know. So what to do about it? The thought of not seeing him breaks my heart deeply, the thought of not writing him does to. Maybe I think I will sit down with my hubby again and make sure he is still okay with all this.

I am not suggesting that you stop writing or visiting. People in prison are humans who have feelings. Just seemed you needed to have some perspective into the situation.

[hrnychick]

OK I maybe the only one who wants to know this but guess thats just me......Why is your hubby OK with this relationship? You did say that he knows the whole story right? I think he may not want to cause trouble with you so he is just not letting it bother him but girl if it was me and my man was doing this I would be very upset. I am just being honest.....Im not saying that you have cheated but it does sound like if given the chance something may happen and you really have to stop and think it is or will it all be worth it.....You said you have a loving hubby so why risk all that you have for one ( or maybe more) romp in the sack with a man who will never be free? I think its all the "what ifs" that have you both so intrigued. You said yourself that when you met you couldnt do anything because you both were married and then he got himself in trouble and is now locked up for life.......Its hard for you to NOT visit him which shows its far more then a friendship......I would talk to hubby and just rethink this whole thing.

Keep us posted.

Hrnychick

[nosleepnmesa]

Hrnychick I have to say maybe I am a very lucky women. When I met my hubby, I was completely honest with him, he knew the whole story, feelings etc... You have a good point, it is EXTREMELY HARD not for me to visit him. In fact one time I couldn't go due the a neighbor being a theif, so my hubby had to work that weekend to make up for the lost time. I cried my eyes out like a little baby. Hubby and I are going to have another talk, I have to say you all are right in alot of ways, you know they say the Truth hurts which is what I told Mikalya. I have to say that..................................I am thinking about what everyone has said and hubby and I are up for a new talk, just to touch bass again on the subject and make sure everything is still fine, but I am sure if it wasn't then he would say so.

[Tyger]

So, therefore, in my opinion it is not technically cheating, but in the long run because of your feelings it can and probably will be more destructive or as destructive to your marriage as if you were cheating physically.

Just my opinion

Mikayla

I have to agree with this and "Chickenmom" on this too.

[smariette]

I think an emotional involvement with somebody else is worse than a sexual involvement. I'd be more upset if my boyfriend were writing love notes and giving another flowers than if I saw him having meaninglyess sex with another. But that is just personal. I think the line of cheating is different with each relationship. If your hubby is okay with it, then it should be fine, as long as you have truly voiced your opions and believe he has voiced them back. I guess you know your relationship better than anybody on this forum, and thus can answer your question better.. What I'd do, is imagine your husband doing the selfsame thing, and ask yourself how you would feel about it. Would you be hurt? Or feel betrayed? Cheated on? If you can honestly say no to all of those, then I would see no harm in it. Every relationship is different. Good luck with whatever. (: It's a tough situation for sure!

[zimmersdreamer]

i have been in your hubbys shoes in a way. my SO was interested in other women all the time we talked about them and it was after he was interested that i would find out. it hurt, he never slept with them but it felt like i was getting the short end of the stick. i was not in love with him and when we did get together we both knew about our past "un-forgotten loves" i got into contact with mine recently and he was devistated. possiably anothe fuel to the fire that made him leave me pregnant.

our (mine and my sweethearts)conversations were innocent enough but my SO felt the pull from our relationship. i can not honestly say i dont feel you on this and i can see how tempted you would be but i have been on both sides of that situation and friendship is the only SAFE solution. let the guy in jail know as tempting as it can get you can not know about his congical visits allowence...if he cares about your relationship he should oblige.