Help

[AndreaPurple]

Ok, I need some input, some suggestions, hopefully some answers.

Here's the deal, my husband and I have been married 9 years, together 12, until very recently I had faked orgasms just thinking there was something wrong with me and too afraid to ask a man to actually take the time to work on it.

Finally I am finding my voice, we have been trying very hard, but still I have not succeeded in having an orgasm in his presence. I have no problem getting myself off when I'm alone. He has tried to manually stimulate my clit, to no avail, and I have brought out the big guns, my vibrator, and tried and tried to get off and just couldn't do it. I would get so close and it just wouldn't happen. So this is the first of my questions, anyone know what's going on there and how we can fix it??

Next question is about talking, I still have a bit of a hard time asking for what I need. I find lately that I am kind of resentful of the fact that my husband just doesn't know how to please me and that I have to teach him. I know this is wrong, he's only going to learn if I tell him what pleases me, but I just can't help it, I lose that loving feeling and feel more like I'm in school or something. I don't honestly know exactly what it is, but my next question is this.... How can I just relax and enjoy this rather than look at it as work??

[AndreaPurple]

Don't you think you have answered your own question?? If you are uncomfortable with him so that you can ask him for what you want or need, sexually, how can you expect to relax with him enough to be able to orgasm with him?

Why would you resent having to teach him how to pleasure you? How else is he going to learn? How best to help him learn the rewards of his efforts than by teaching your right way of doing it? He is not a mind reader, and he must be very frustrated now, considering how long you have been together, knowing- and he does know- that he is not pleasuring you the way you like, much less like the way he wishes to pleasure you.

This is obviously news to you, but learning how to pleasure a sex partner is a lifetime deal. I began, a little late, to learn all I could when I was in my late teens, and am now approaching 60, and I am still learning. You will never be " out of school ".

May I suggest that you stop thinking about sex as " work" and get your head wrapped about the idea that sex is adult play, and it must be fun, or it doesn't work. Oh, you can masturbate on , or in someone to get your rocks off, but that is not making love, nor is it pleasuring ( not pleasing) your partner. If you two are not laughing while you play, you are doing it wrong. Going to SEX ED classes, with your partner is the most fun part of having sex. You never know what you are going to do, or try next, and you can't possibly guess what he is going to do! And, who cares that you don't know? The surprise factor is part of the fun! Doing anything the same way every time is BORING. That is why they invented sewing machines-because hand stitching is so damn boring! Why would anyone want sex to be boring?

How can you just relax and enjoy? For you, do something you have not done: Take the initiative. When he is occupied doing something else, take his pants down and give him a blow job, or just get him erect, and then leave him, like a good tease would. Fondle him whenever you go past him. If he is sitting down in a chair, molest him. Or tease him with a breast across his nose. Be sexually Outrageous! He will want to know what has gotten into you? ! He also will love the attention and the fact that you still lust after him enough to be a scamp!

Laughter is the best way I know to relax. It shakes the whole body, can get you out of breath, and the aftermath is to totally relax your body, and muscles.

Attack him in his shower. When is the last time you took a shower with him, or washed his back or gave him a massage to his shoulders. Pamper the hell out of him. Don't let him touch the soap or washcloth to himself. Wash him down yourself, and wash everything, particularly his family jewels. Rinse them well, and then test them with your tongue to see if you have gotten all the soap. Then, if you really want him to, LET him wash you. But, again, when the shower is over, don't let him dry himself. You do it, from head to toe. Make him spread those legs so you are sure to dry all his jewels, and his butt. Make sure all the hair on the inside of his thighs is dry. When he is shaving, take the shave cream from him and use it on his crotch and shave him, using a new razor. Don't take no. When you are done, tell him to shave you. If you can find a better excuse for some oral loving, I don't know what it is, not that I have ever needed an excuse!

First, have orgasms with him from manual and oral stimulations. Lots of them. Try to have them before you begin having sexual intercourse. Then you will be excited, horny as hell, aroused to the point of popping like a pin struck balloon, and having an orgasm during intercourse will not only be easy, but absolutely necessary ! If you have a decent sized bath tub, take a bath with him. If you have a hot tub, or access to one, get him in there to play with you. No, you don't have to climax in the tub, but you surely can play with each other, stripping off swim suits, etc. Caressing, then tickling each other.

Finally, never forget the power of submission. No, not being tied up, or strung up. A simple blindfold so you have to " see " with your other senses is very erotic, as well as relaxing. I know many women who have difficulty having orgasms who have stopped having such troubles the first time their lover put a blindfold on them, and then spent an exquisite hour or so teasing them, taking them up close to an orgasm, letting them come back down, then taking them up again, until intercourse finally brought both of them the relief they sought. The experience has always been an " eye -opener" to everyone, male or female who has tried it.

Best wishes. Let us know if this helps.

Howard

Ok, lets start at the beginning. you asked about why I would resent him because I have to teach him, well to be perfectly honest with you I wasn't even sure of that myself until just a little while ago when I read your post. I know it has nothing to do with him, I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I think the reason has to do with my own fear of asking for what I want. I am learning through therapy that there are certain situations where I don't feel comfortable, I don't feel like it's my place to be in control and the bedroom is one of those places. So this is something I am working on, I was just hoping for some advise to help me get past my fears, again I know I shouldn't feel these things I feel, but I do feel them and I know I need to change it, I just don't know how yet, that is what I am seeking to do!!!!!! I know he's not a mind reader and I know the best way for him to learn how to please me is by me teaching him, but this is a whole new area for me, I just need help getting going. I am only just now discovering the fun of talking dirty, I have always been very quiet. So I hope you see now that I not unaware of these things, I simply am looking for some help.

You gave some great suggestions. I will tell you that some of the things you mentioned I have already been doing, teasing him throughout the day, one day last week I met him in the bathroom as he got out of the shower and I blew him right there. This was something so out of the ordinary for me and he loved it, and YES, I did swallow!!

Ok, you said "First, have orgasms with him from manual and oral stimulations". you say this as if it is so easy, well let me tell you it is not! As I already mentioned we've tried, he's tried, I've tried, it's not something that is just going to happen. We play some, but one other thing I failed to mention is that we have 3 kids, ages 6, 3 and 1 1/2. My husband works 2 jobs and I work a couple nights a week, our schedules don't really allow us much play time. But one night just recently we had the chance, we spent an hour and half just playing, the kids were all in bed and we locked our door and just had fun. We did a lot of teasing and we really had a blast. I enjoyed myself very much but I never orgasmed, this was one of those times where I pulled out my vibrator and tried to finish what we had started and it just wouldn't happen.

My husband doesn't have a lot of experience, I am only the 3rd woman he's been with and he has been just as quiet all these years as I have. Neither one of us has been able to step up and start talking until recently, I finally did it. We just don't have a clue what we are doing. I have tried to show him my clit, but he still has trouble finding it. I don't have one that protrudes, I guess it is hooded, I don't know but it's not easy to get to. I just get frustrated and that is when I start losing interest.

Anyway, the bottom line is that I know we are headed in the right direction now, I just need some advise on how to losen up and just enjoy the experience of teaching him. This is not my area of expertise, I have never been much of a teacher, leader, person in control and I am not comfortable in this area yet.

Anyway, you have given a few good suggetions here, I like the blindfold idea, that's something we've never tried and I will suggest it to him. Thank you.

[AndreaPurple]

BEST WISHES TO YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND. LEARN TO HAVE FUN WITH EACH OTHER, FOR THE FIRST TIME, IF NOT AGAIN, AND EVERYTHING ELSE WILL FALL INTO PLACE.

HOWARD

Thank you Howard for all of your advice. I want more than anything for my husband and I to be totally comfortable with each other enough to say absolutely anything. I feel comfortable talking to him about everything else!

Believe it or not I actually sent him an email (we each have our own seperate addresses) a few days ago, telling him this and telling him some of the stuff I like and asking him to tell me some of the things he likes and dislikes. He still hasn't answered me so I asked him yesterday and he says he still needs time to think it through. So you can see we are going in the right direction, it's just, I have to say that I have a fear of the unknown and I am just terrified about this but I guess, like you said, I just have to bite the bullet and do it.

On top of everything else I have ADD, I was just recently put on Welbutrin, which so far has done very little for me, so I am probably going off of it, unless something drastically changes in the next week or so. It did give me a huge boost in my sex drive for about a week, but unfortunately that didn't last, although I must say that I am still more interested in sex now then I was before the meds. But most likely I will try something else, Howard, I know you aren't a big advocate of medication, but I just can't stand the way I am anymore, I need to do something now, without medication it would take me a very long time to get to a better place and I just don't want to wait that long, I want results now. And don't worry, I won't stay on anything that I think is bad for me or that will bring my sex drive down, that's very important to me.

[AndreaPurple]

Talk to your doctor, and to your pharmacist about what effect the Welbutrin should be having on you. Your pharmacist can also give you the names of other drugs that are used for the same problem. That's nice to know when you go back to your doctor, so you don't feel like the complete idiot he or she treats you as! If he won't change the med, and you don't like his answer as to why you should continue to take a medicine that does not seem to be working, ask him about the alternatives. That will shake him up!

I tell you that so you have some idea of all the rewards that await you when you finally overcome your fears. Don't ever fear telling your lover what you want him to do to you. Its the way he learns, and how you experience new fun. The first time you try anything is probably not going to be the best for either of you, but that is why practicing again is so much fun.

Best wishes.

Howard

I did my research about the Welbutrin, from what I read online, in some cases it has actually enhanced peoples sex drive, so this is why I was really hoping this particular drug would be the right one for me, since my sex drive has pretty much been non existant for several years. I have also researched, online, several other meds that are commonly used for this purpose, so I do have a little something to take back to the doctors office with me (a week from today). I will admit when I went there the first time a few weeks ago, I knew nothing about any of these meds, but since then I have spent many hours reading up on all of it, so I feel much more prepared this time around. I will let you know next monday what happens.

Thanks for sharing the story of your friend. I have been struggling with overcoming my fears for many years now. It seems that no matter how many times I do something I've been afraid to do and things turn out great, I still can't seem to shake the fear. I can overcome specific fears one by one, but sometimes it still may take a few more tries, and positive results don't seem to have any affect on my other fears.....wait does this make any sense to you???

I've got many, many issues, my fears run pretty deep. It's so f***ed up that you see and hear all the stories about these disfuntional families, and here you have me....I was raised in what most would consider a very functional family, 2 parents, just celebrated 45 years of marriage(renewed their vows even), 3 siblings, middle class, not a lot of money but we got by, there was no abuse of any kind, no drugs or alcohol. From the outside looking in everthing was great, so why am I so messed up?? Ok, I'm sorry, I am getting off track. Anyway, what I was trying say is that there are other issues as well and a lack of confidence is one of them, so all of these things come into play too. Taking meds will get me thinking clearly enough to address some of these issues much easier then I could otherwise.

Howard, thanks again for all of your advise, it helps a great deal.

[telecom69]

Ok, I need some input, some suggestions, hopefully some answers.

Here's the deal, my husband and I have been married 9 years, together 12, until very recently I had faked orgasms just thinking there was something wrong with me and too afraid to ask a man to actually take the time to work on it.

Finally I am finding my voice, we have been trying very hard, but still I have not succeeded in having an orgasm in his presence. I have no problem getting myself off when I'm alone. He has tried to manually stimulate my clit, to no avail, and I have brought out the big guns, my vibrator, and tried and tried to get off and just couldn't do it. I would get so close and it just wouldn't happen. So this is the first of my questions, anyone know what's going on there and how we can fix it??

Next question is about talking, I still have a bit of a hard time asking for what I need. I find lately that I am kind of resentful of the fact that my husband just doesn't know how to please me and that I have to teach him. I know this is wrong, he's only going to learn if I tell him what pleases me, but I just can't help it, I lose that loving feeling and feel more like I'm in school or something. I don't honestly know exactly what it is, but my next question is this.... How can I just relax and enjoy this rather than look at it as work??

OrgasmicallyChallenged,

Wow! You sound very much like my girlfriend, except for the fact that my girlfriend will not fake orgasms if it isn't happening for her. We just quit and maybe try again later, or just not worry about it. She has a VERY hard time asking for what she likes, but is getting better in small baby steps. She has little confidence and self-esteem is low. I will take any coaxing she wants to give, but very little comes out of her. She is 45 yrs old and her sexual experience is really almost zero. Due to her lack of experience, she thinks she'll say something stupid or embarassing to give me feedback. Being able to RELAX is all. Sounds like you really can't either. Over the 19 months we've been together, its been a long haul for me trying to get her where she would like to be. She thinks something is "wrong" with her to and she is messed up, and feels intimidated with my sexual experience. She pretty much can get off by herself (most of the time) with her vibe, but with me its hit and miss. She did grow up in a family with an unloving father, and mother who was controlled by the father big time and limited the love and affection she could give her kids, because he would get jealous. She is on Prozac (I hate AD meds) to, so thats part of the sexual issue to. But, her upbringing had a HUGE impact on her sexual well being and relationships in my opinion.

Its like I'm training a person how to make love, so I try new stuff with her when I think the time is right. So far all has been ok to her with what we've tried. I remember the first time I aked her to sit on my face. She was like "OMG, what!". She still wo'nt do oral sex on me either, and says its a mental thing she needs to overcome. I just show her as much love as I can and be patient.

Lots of foreplay before, and lots of cuddling afters always helps. Communication is all of it! If you can't tell each other what you like or don't like, it won't go anywhere and both will have some resentment of some sort. I know I do sometimes since my girlfriend just won't tell me, since I'll do almost anything with her she wants.

Good Luck!

Telecom

[AndreaPurple]

Just becasue you grew up in a nice envirornment does not mean you had a great childhood. There are tensions in all families. and each child has his or her own experiences. If you were to ask my mother, she treated all her children as equals. If you were to ask us, she always treated me differently than my twin brother, and favored him. Even he says so. I am sure I would be a psychiatrist's dream over all that. I am sure it as affected me, and all I have tried to do is make a positive out of it. My brother is still by best friend.

Perhaps you can talk to your psychiatrist about all this insecurity and self doubt. There are techniques they can use, or teach you to use to overcome these kinds of fears. You might read up on Agoraphobia, and how it is treated.

Actually that is exactly the point I was trying to make, you can't judge a book by it's cover, just cuz it all looks like peaches and cream, doesn't mean it is. My upbringing has a lot to do with the way I am, my mother was raised to pretty much obey the men in the house and as a result my sisters and I weren't given much in the way of encouragement to excel at anything but being a wife and mother. My brother on the other hand is the most successful of the 4 of us, not too hard to figure that one out is it?

I am working with my therapist about my insecurities and self doubt. As for agoraphobia, well I do definitely have some anxiety, I also have a little bit of depression as well. I got lots of issues. I am just realizing that I don't have a voice because I was shut up a long time ago by 2 parents who didn't want to listen. And as for the sex stuff, well I never got one of those birds and the bees talks, the extent of what I was told was "don't let him touch you!" Does that explain anything for ya? ISSUES! LOL

Ok, well enough about me and my many issues! LOL

OrgasmicallyChallenged,

Wow! You sound very much like my girlfriend, except for the fact that my girlfriend will not fake orgasms if it isn't happening for her. We just quit and maybe try again later, or just not worry about it. She has a VERY hard time asking for what she likes, but is getting better in small baby steps. She has little confidence and self-esteem is low.

Telecom

Baby steps, that is exactly what we need to do, take baby steps, you took the words right out of my mouth. I also have confidence and self esteem issues, so I know exactly where she's coming from.

I am not quite as afraid as she is though, I have given my share of blow jobs, but now it has become more of a treat, and the same with him giving me oral, it's just something we didn't do very often. But we are both taking baby steps now and I think we are off to a pretty good start.

[telecom69]

Actually that is exactly the point I was trying to make, you can't judge a book by it's cover, just cuz it all looks like peaches and cream, doesn't mean it is. My upbringing has a lot to do with the way I am, my mother was raised to pretty much obey the men in the house and as a result my sisters and I weren't given much in the way of encouragement to excel at anything but being a wife and mother. My brother on the other hand is the most successful of the 4 of us, not too hard to figure that one out is it?

I am working with my therapist about my insecurities and self doubt. As for agoraphobia, well I do definitely have some anxiety, I also have a little bit of depression as well. I got lots of issues. I am just realizing that I don't have a voice because I was shut up a long time ago by 2 parents who didn't want to listen. And as for the sex stuff, well I never got one of those birds and the bees talks, the extent of what I was told was "don't let him touch you!" Does that explain anything for ya? ISSUES! LOL

Ok, well enough about me and my many issues! LOL

Baby steps, that is exactly what we need to do, take baby steps, you took the words right out of my mouth. I also have confidence and self esteem issues, so I know exactly where she's coming from.

I am not quite as afraid as she is though, I have given my share of blow jobs, but now it has become more of a treat, and the same with him giving me oral, it's just something we didn't do very often. But we are both taking baby steps now and I think we are off to a pretty good start.

You would be able to converse and relate well with my girlfriend big time. I've thought several times about leaving the relationship and she has told me many times I deserve something better because as she puts it "our sexual incompatibility". Sometimes love does win over many obstacles. I just wish she would stop talking like that. I mean, how sincere can a guy get? She internalizes A LOT to and hates any confrontation. I don't like confrontation either, but you have to voice your opinion when necessary. Her parents told her the same stuff.. "don't let him touch you, sex is bad, don't masturbate, blah, blah". Her mother even once told her she hated sex with her father.

Its amazing how all those things during your youth can impact a person 25 yrs later still.

Telecom

[AndreaPurple]

All I can say is when Life deals you lemons, Make Lemonade! Seriously, nothing is going to be accomplished in your life if you make a career about talking about your past with doctors, seeking medication, etc. Talk to them, get it out, find out why you are messed up, what you can do about it, and then get on with your life. You already have identified some of the problems. Deal with them, one at a time. Some will have to overlap. Deal with that. Courage takes only the putting of one foot in front of the other, and heading in a new direction YOU have chosen.

Having the courage to follow your heart, and just do the things that interest you gets easier the more you do it. The stories of your failures can keep other people laughing for hours. I am known locally, for instance, as the world's worst fisherman! The failures come in making love, too, and I don't always hit a home run everytime. But, I have had very good partners who enjoy being stern teachers, who make me do it again when I do it wrong! And, boy, do we have fun along the way.

So, its always useful to visit your past to understand why you have one or more problems today. Knowing that you came by your problems honestly makes them much easier to package up in a neatly wriapped box, with ribbons and bows, and put it on a shelf in your mind- not to be forgotten- but to be largely ignored. The only way to get used to diving into cold water is to dive into cold water. It doesn't get easier, but it does become a known hurtle you overcome. Then you can move past it and attack the really big hurtles in your life.

If you need moral support for trying something new, tell us about it, and we will be rooting for you. You have many friends here, and we are all wanting you to get on and have a happy life.

Howard

Howard, you make it sound so easy. I am not trying to be arguementative here at all, so please don't take it that way. I just need to say that it's just not as easy as you make it sound. And these ARE the really big hurtles in my life, at least right now they are. This stuff runs deep in me, you can't compare your experience to mine because you have no clue what I feel or what I go through emotionally. I AM working on this stuff, very hard as a matter of fact. I've been in therapy for 5 years(off and on) and there are still things I am learning. I do want to change this stuff, not just complain about it and I am trying, it's just not that easy!! But I will stop talking about now and just keep on trying as I have been.

Thank you for you support.

[AndreaPurple]

I was actually trying to make you understand that this is hard to do. Its much easier to write about, with cliche's, than to make the baby steps it takes to do this. I made lists of things I wanted to do tomorrow. Most days, I could look at those lists at the end of the day, and if I accomplished 1/10-th of the things on my list, it was a good day. Other things draw you away, particularly at work. Sometimes I wish I could disconnect the phone. I often leave my answering machine on so I can complete tasks, and then return calls when I HAVE TIME to talk to people, and not let my life be controlled by everyone who wants to call me. It takes a lot of strength to not answer that darn phone. When I am writing, I have to ignor the phone or I can't concentrate on what I am writing, and I can't finish anything, or at least it seems that way.

Do make lists, but with practice, you will learn to make much shorter lists, not expecting so much of yourself, so you don't disappoint yourself and dispair over it. To shorten my lists, I would make an A list- the things I thought I must get done that day, and a B list, which were things I would move onto after I completed the shorter A list. Try it. It may help you.

I obviously don't know you personally, but I have been exposed to the same problems you have, personally, and with clients. You should take consolation in the fact that you are not alone, nor are your problems beyond help. Think about that. Then make a very short list of things you want to do yet today, or tomorrow, and see just how much you can accomplish. When you complete a list in the time you alot, reward yourself. By all means, stand in front of a mirror, smile at that beautiful face looking out at you, and compliment her. She is okay!

Howard

The problem is, I DO feel very much alone.

[AndreaPurple]

Okay: Then what do you need to make yourself feel you have support and friends who love you and care about you? You certainly have many friends here who care about you, and support you! Never ignore that fact. But we obviously can't be with you personally, so what or who, or how do you need the people close to you to act or behave to make you feel secure?

Howard

I'm not really sure. I'm just having a really tough couple of days. I really don't have any support from my family. The only real support I get is from my husband but he's hardly here, he has to work, alot. I am just really sad right now, I think it has to do with the meds I am on and if this doesn't pass soon, I'm going to have to stop taking them, I can't stand this. I really don't know right now what it would take to make me happy or not feel so alone. I think the main reason I feel alone is that even the ones who do support me (in my RL, no offense), don't know what I feel, no one can relate to it. I think I need to find some kind of support group or something, where I can talk to people going through the same thing as I am.

[AndreaPurple]

May I make a suggestion? Get out of the house, and find some place where you can help someone else feel special. It may be a playground for kids, a daycare center, or a senior center, or just go to a mall where people are and try to help someone who seems lost. It will make your day. Try it.

Howard

I have a friend who is an alcoholic, 22 years sober and he said that's just what he does when is feeling crappy.

I will try to do something like that but it's just hard, I am home with my kids all day, can't afford a babysitter and the free ones I do have are limited. Hubby works 2 jobs, and I work part time myself. Time and funds are limited. But I will think about what I could do and a way to do it.

Thank you again Howard. I'll keep you posted.

[Tyger]

OK, I read thru the first 4 posts, and skimmed the rest *bad Tyger, bad Tyger*, but here's my take on it, forgive me if I repeat anything that someone else has probably said.

First, if, after 12 yrs of being together, you are just NOW finding your voice in the bedroom,how fair is it of you to "resent" your husband for not being able to please you, when all along, he thought he was with your faking orgasms? He can't just magically give you the orgasms you want, crave, and deserve all of a sudden *POOF* when he thought he was doing just fine in the past, right?

Try and remember the key thing, sex is suppose to be fun! Whether a fling, or an expression of love between people. Harder done than said is the "relaxing" part. Don't worry about jiggling, how do you look, am I doing this right, what's he thinking, did I pay the phone bill? Just go with the flow. And don't don't don't go into the bedroom worried about getting your *O* on. Enjoy whatever sensations that feel good. Gently steer him in the right direction as to where/what you want him to do to you. It may take a few times for him to grasp what you're trying to tell him. But try hard not to let frustration do the steering/talking. It may come out wrong, and hurt his feelings & fragile male ego.

Experience new things in & out of the bedroom, sexual and non-sexual. Everyone's tastes change over time, as we mature, so do our bodies. For instance, I use to LOVE having my breasts touched, fondled, sucked. Until I had our daughter. I breast-fed for a whole year (something that I will NEVER EVER regret). My breasts still look pretty good, but I just don't like them being touched or sucked on now. "Leave them alone, they're mine!!" Kind of thing I guess. My hubby is a breast man, so I try and tolerate it as much as I can, then try and gently steer him elsewhere.

I'm glad to read that you're going to counselling, and working thru some issues you have. Self-discovery is a wonderful thing. Good luck to you and have some fun!

[tdriskel]

I will try to do something like that but it's just hard, I am home with my kids all day, can't afford a babysitter and the free ones I do have are limited. Hubby works 2 jobs, and I work part time myself. Time and funds are limited. But I will think about what I could do and a way to do it.

It IS really hard to get started and go out and do stuff. No matter what your circumstances. I can usually get a diet coke at a McDonald's with a play area and make it last for an hour or so while my kids play.

Depression does often make you feel tired and if you have anxiety, you may feel anxious that you just feel so damn tired. This is all normal. Antidepressants aren't for everyone, but you said before that they were helping you to see clearly enough to deal with your other issues. That is a good way to look at the use of the meds for a finite period of time. No one says that if you take the meds for six months that you will never be the same or be happy or have an orgasm. Sometimes, med and therapy treatment help you so you can have enough energy to enjoy sex/deal with issues/go to McDonalds to sit in the sun and watch your kids play.

Talking to your doctor is great. Write what you would say if you could take all the time you wanted, then print it off and give it to your doctor. You don't have to be a brilliant speaker to tell them how you feel. Have you discussed the sexual issues you are dealing with? Sometimes that is a topic that gets pushed back until "later," but it sounds like your self esteem issues and lack of voice have contributed to some of the issues with sex, so maybe it is all connected. Also, the fact that you are resenting things with your husband may seem illogical-- why can you resent someone not knowing something you never said outloud-- but resentment can be frustration with your own behavior or his response to it that ends up feeling like "man, I am so pissed about this". When you have anger and you can't identify why, that doesn't mean there isn't a reason to be angry, only that you need to figure it out. Also, emotions are not always logical, so if you are feeling resentful, you can feel that. I agree that your husband probably has no idea why you are resentful and may not understand why the hell you are pissed that he can't mindread, but he clearly cares about you if he is trying multiple ways to help you orgasm.

My heart really goes out to you. It is lonely sometimes to be at home with only little people to talk to and if you have years of denying or stifling your feelings, it could be hard to speak up that you are feeling crappy or pissed or whatever. I agree with Tyger that experimenting and planning on it not being Hollywood-perfect is a great idea. (But, no matter how bad I feel, I want to have sex, so if that isn't you, it may feel like one more job to do in the day!)

Howard did give you a great pep talk. He clearly has had to deal with issues and has done this in a great way. Your first goal doesn't need to be to finish a graduate degree. You can just try to leave the house for 60 minutes each day. That's a first goal. Then, when you are good at that one, you can decide on the next one.

I hope things are better each day.

[AndreaPurple]

Let me start by saying Thank you all for all your great advice!! And the next most important thing I wanted to say is that I am pretty much over the resentment thing, I was having a rough few days there, I think it was the meds, but whatever it was, I am feeling better now and thinking more clearly. And I did know that the resentment thing wasn't fair, I just didn't know how to shake it, but it's gone now, so nevermind.

We are trying new things and having fun doing it. In the past I just didn't have a sex drive, but now I do, I am pretty sure that is the meds I'm on, because honestly, I just don't remember ever having a sex drive at all before now.

Someone asked if I talked about the problems in the bedroom with my therapist, the answer is yes. It hasn't been discussed in great length, but it has come up once or twice. It is something that I am working on and hopefully things will just keep getting better. And Yes, my self esteem issues definitely contribute to every aspect of my life. So this is a big focus in therapy.

Thanks again everyone! I will keep you posted.