Ok..this Has Kinda Been Bugging Me For A While Now....

[curvacious_lust]

I'm not sure if I've ever posted about being a post TBI patient (traumatic brain injury) from a car accident 8 years ago. I know before the accident, I used to love to snuggle and be close to hubby when we were home. (he's one of those that doesn't show a lot of affection when in public...howard's opposite!) Post accident, there are times when I just feel so dam claustrophobic when he wants to do this. I just cannot physically HANDLE being touched that way. I find myself not liking crowded places either. Is this just a change in me cause I'm getting older or are these changes due to the brain trauma??

I know my sex drive has changed BIG time since the accident too.(changes in a good way ) I was told that my moods were "hypersensitive" in the hospital and it would lessen as time went on, but I'm certainly not what I'd consider "back to normal" as if I ever was normal..lol

Anyone?

[nosleepnmesa]

Hey CL, Well I am not sure but I can tell ya that at one time in my life I was in a very abusive relationship and suffered a brain injury and was left in acoma for period of 3months due to the trauma. In my opinion I believe that yes post accident issue with the brain can cause this. I suffer with it from time to time. In fact I hate crowded place and feel claustrophic when I go to Walmart and there are to many people in it. I also hate to be touched that way to. I have discussed it with my DR a few times and he has stated to me that it can be from the trauma.

Don't get me wrong I mean my husband and my sex life are great. I use to love to snuggle and things to but anymore I have found it very hard and this happened 13years ago. I honest think age really doesn't play a factor there. I mean my In-laws who are well over the age of 60, I have seen them snuggling on the couch watching TV etc. I myself can't do that, although I do try to. I think anything that is traumatic to our brains, changes us in different ways. I have worked long and hard to try to reprogram that, I try to snuggle on the couch with him, it is hard but I know that it is something he enjoys. I feel like I can't breath and my heart starts racing when I try to snuggle up with him or that I am being locked into a cage and I can't get out. I have been working threw, hopefully some of these tips will help you.

I take very deep breaths and kinda talk to myself, WOW I know that sounds a little crazy, but when he sits next to me on the couch and trys to snuggle up against me I begin to take deep breaths and tell myself that everything is okay. Kinda like trying to reprogram my brain.

I feel for ya CV, and it is a hard battle to fight. Have you talked to your DR to see what he has to say. I just wanted to let you my opinion on this and that you are not alone with this feelings.

Take care and good luck!

[sylvina]

I don't think I had a tramatic experience to make me feel this way, but I have a hard time snuggling anymore too. I used to love it, and my husband and I used to, very often, just curl up on the couch and hold each other. But since I had my second son, it seems like I can't breathe and hate being touched. My husband is a cuddler in bed, even when he is sound asleep he tries to hold me, and I can't sleep. It got so bad that we haven't slept in the same bed in almost 3 years. Our sex life and everything else is wonderful, I just wish I could cuddle again. It's just when he gets close to my face, or holds me too close, I begin to breathe hard and fast, like if I was trying to get my "last breath" before being sufficated. I've been trying to work on it, slowly, and maybe by this time next year, we'll be sleeping in the same bed again.

Just sharing that to show you, that you dont need a tramatic experience to not want to cuddle or feel like you're being locked in a cage, it can happen just out of the blue I suppose.

Thanks for listening.

Sylvina

[Mikayla1]

Well CL, I do not know if I can answer this definitively or not, but I can tell you from MY experience once I hit 33, had a baby and just because more into my life, I found myself getting really nervous in places with a lot of people. I would almost have panic attacks - and I was NEVER like that before.

As for the cuddling - I still like to cuddle - but I prefer it to be on my terms and I have to have a lot of space. This changed when I got pregnant with my son. I felt hot and closed in, and preferred him to be on the other end of me - preferably rubbing my feet!

So, I am not sure about the TBI, but I am sure when we injure our brain, the master center of our lifeforce, things are sure to change!

Mikayla

[Tyger]

I'm sorry you had to go thru that CL. I never knew that, but you may have mentioned it in a post I missed.

I'm sure that trauma to the brain is going to change anyone. I guess it would depend on the person, the particular injury, and severity of it. It may get better or worse. It's hard to tell. The brain is a mysterious thing. So is aging. We change all the time as our bodies and minds mature.

I too hate crowds. I never cared for them, but really hate them now that I have my daughter, very much like Mikayla. I also changed a bit while and after being pregnant. I too, loved to snuggle, but after all the pregnancy stuff, it really needs to be on my terms. There are times where I get all *get away from me* too.

I hope you're able to find some balance.

[zimmersdreamer]

i may be on the other end of this but i do agree with all the other posters. cuddeling is another form of unspoken feelings for another person. i used to be a big cuddler, for me that was the way i knew where i was on the relationship end of things, "sex was sex but if he cuddled then he really liked me" kind of thoughts. i have grown up since then.

i am the oposite of the other women i am 8 months pregnent now and want to be cuddled more now than ever, but after my first child i felt closed in as they did, my SO had a hard time dealing with the adjustment and talking with him was pointless, the reason we split.

i have a SO now that is a long distance kind of thing and cuddeling was our way of staying close when we are together. (off topic a little sorry i am scattered brained)

another point is to the momies who thought that child birth was not "tramatic" enought o effect our feelings you are way off base! giving birth is one of the most tramatic things our bodies can go through, not just emotionally but physically to. we start to feel like our bodies out side of the bedroom are no longer play toys for our SO but machines to care for our family. some men go throught the same changes when they have kids too, not physically but emotionally.

i hope i made some sence...

[WifeMomSlave]

I also used to be a big time cuddler,,, and hubby not as much.....now almost 10 years later things have fliped I find that I do not like to cuddle as much and hubby does more often. I also have never like crowds and even more so the last few years, I think this is due changing,, things you liked when you were younger, you may not like now and vis versa.

I also agree with everyone else and think that your TBI plays a role in this too. My mom had cancer 2 years ago and had a tumor removed from her brain and she has had some personality changes since then.

[curvacious_lust]

Thanks for all the replies everyone!! I just got health insurance after 6 years of not having any and am seriously considering seeing a counselor. I know I've had a lot of changes and being more comfortable with my sexuality is one of them. Hubby says I'm more "animalistic" than before the accident which he likes! (when he likes to have sex, but some know thats a whole nother thread)

I am finally at a turning point in finding "me" again. Thanks to all of you here, I've found some great new things about myself and new friends too!!

[tdriskel]

Sit down and talk to each other. Don't hide things from your SO. A lot ow women believe the stereotyes of men that they don't have feelings, and will never talk about it. Ladies, Liberation has unleashed you to be all you can be, but it has also changed the rules for men when it comes to always " sucking it up ". Men have always had feelings, and now they have the right to talk about them, and demand consideration of them, too.

My wife used to tell me everything that was told to her at her place of work, about us, or me, when we met the next time. I used to surprise the heck out of her co-workers when I commented on something they had said to her. They were shocked that she told me everything! We decided that doing so was the best way for both of us to keep our trust secure in each other. I never worried about her seeing someone else, and she never worried about me. If I did have lunch, or coffee, with another woman, I always told her. Sometimes, some of the folks I knew would try to start something by calling her up and telling her they had seen me with so-and-so. If I knew in advance I was going to meet someone, I told her before I had the meeting, so she already knew about whatever they were trying to make a big dark secret! And, if it was a spur of the moment meeting, I told her about that when we next talked, anyway. I did not want her to ever worry that I was chasing other women, and she felt the same way towards me. That trust was never broken, and we remain friends to this day, even though the marriage ended for other reasons.

Howard, that exact thing-- talking about everything and not being a jealous grump-- has made me the rock star wife at my husband's work. Last week one of the guys said, "yeah, we met his friend Tina when they went to lunch." So, I turned around and said, "Did you give her the birthday card I got for her, or did you forget?" Later, his friend couldn't believe I was not only not pissed but also that I was giving one of his female friends a birthday card. He said his wife would be killing her with a hatchet. (WTF???) Then, he wanted to know if, since I was so nice and open to female friends, if I was interested in a threesome??!! My husband laughed until his face was purple when we were snuggling on the couch later and he was telling me about it.

In the past, we have always had great trust, but I didn't always get to hear the funny stories. Now I know more about his everyday stuff and now I get the jokes immediately when he tells them.

That said, with three kids and a job in the public, sometimes I just want no one to touch me and for no one to talk. The trick is how to tell him that-- it was a not-in-the-bedroom talk where I just finally blurted it out. He doesn't get mad, unless I don't want to snuggle and don't tell him and just seem grumpy instead. I think having little kids-- who need to touch and be touched all the time-- makes you have way more overload to touch than if you don't have kids. Think about how often someone touched you when you were home on a day off before you had kids, and now after. It was a 500% increase for me. Plus, I have way more to do. I have to consciously disregard the TO DO list and just BE. Sometimes I don't do so great. Sometimes, I am that rock star wife.

[elise]

I have said this before, but Misery not only Loves Company, IT DEMANDS IT! Most people are not happy in their relationships. Half of all marriages fail. A rising percentage of young people never marry at all. If you dare to actually be happy with your spouse, they will be coming at you!

Congrats on finding out how to work together. Speaking for men, it really makes us feel respected by our wives when they don't pull that " I-am-going-to-act-jealous-now- routine when there is absolutely no reason for her to be upset, much less jealous of another woman I know. Jealousy is an insult to the innocent guys, and a mere manifestation of self doubt.

When it comes to the woman I love, I tell her, " Look, I chose you. I love you. Have I done anything to tell you that I no longer love you? Then don't be getting upset or feeling inadequate because I have clients, or business acquaitances who include some very pretty woman. I think you are pretty, too. I am always proud to introduce you to my friends and clients, and I like it when other men take a second look at you. "

Howard

I couldn't agree more, Howard. Trust is the basis of open communication, and open communication is the fuel that keeps trust alive. My husband and I have sometimes played, "He's hot/she's hot" at social gatherings like concerts and benefits where we're basically bored out of our skulls, but there's lots of attractive people to look at. It's playtime, not "I wish I could have HIM" time. It provides some fuel for role-playing in the bedroom later, which is a bonus.

But to comment on others' comments about difficulty snuggling after childbirth. I wish I could take every young new mother I meet aside and get her to pay attention to the changes having a new baby makes in her life, and the dangers of buying into the social myths of being a Perfect Mother. I bought into those myths and it nearly wrecked my marriage, although it was years ago. It was only after I came to the realization that I had abdicated my relationship with the most wonderful man in the world in order to fulfill my selfish need to be respected as a Perfect Mother that I was able to wake up and change.

I do not blame women for feeling claustrophobic when their husbands want attention/snugglebunnies/hot sex and there's a new baby in the household. It takes time to figure out how to find the balance between the sex kitten who got pregnant while having cosmic sex with her man and the upright, respectable matron society seems to demand we should be. Having all those pressures on you would make almost any woman feel trapped. Let's face it, we can't 'have it all', and we certainly can't do it all. At least, we can't do it all alone.

A woman needs to remember that her man helped her get into this mess, and the easiest pathway out of it is to rely on his help again. He's not just a substitute driver/babysitter, he's the father of our children. He WANTS to raise his children, most likely. Too many women (myself included, past tense!) make the assumption that a husband is a second-best parent, a necessary evil to keep the money coming in so that the babies don't starve, but basically useless. What a horrible stereotype! Unfortunately, I see it repeated on TV, in movies, in magazines, newspapers, everywhere, every day. Women need to reject that lie, and embrace the reality that he wouldn't be there if he didn't love me.

Re-making the all-important connection with him that is just "us" is not just good for our marriage, it's good for our children. The best way to protect our children from the temptations of too-young sexual activity, teen pregnancy, drug/alcohol abuse, and a host of neuroses, is to stay in a committed, loving marriage. And a committed, loving marriage requires love and trust and communication. The most important, fundamental, elemental communication between a man and woman occurs in the marriage bed (or couch, or under the dining room table, I know, I know... but you know what you mean). Something magical happens when we make love. "Making love" has become a polite euphemism for "fucking". We've forgotten the meaning of the words we're speaking. When we engage in the acts of sexual intercourse in all its delightfully varied forms, we literally make love. And no, sex isn't always mutual orgasmic bliss. Sometimes something as simple as holding each other during a movie, a man cupping his wife's breast as they fall asleep, a woman giving her man's package a quick squeeze in the elevator, can be as important as having a weekend to fuck each other's brains out. Such seemingly simple gestures really mean, "I am yours, and you are mine, and you are and always will be my lover first and foremost."

I do not mean to rant. But if you have trouble understanding what I've written here, it may be because you've not been through the fiery trials of a marriage on The Verge. Take it from one who's been there and thankfully didn't fall over the precipice, these lessons are worth studying and learning by heart.

[elise]

howard, likapus... thank you. I appreciate your kind words. But let's not forget that this is a two-way street (not that you're implying otherwise, but some might infer it...). Howard, I am deeply saddened by your experience. A young woman who thinks her uterus makes her the 'owner' of her child, like a person 'owns' a puppy, is gonna be in for a rude awakening in 12 or 13 years... at which point an "alpha" male in the household comes in real darn handy, and without which she (mother or child) is in deep trouble.

A young woman with young children, as I've previously posted, can get stuck on societal issues that have no more to do with real life than, say Tara Banks' breasts have to do with mine. (Sorry boys, but almost none of us have hooters like Tara's, no matter what Playboy and the lingerie catalogs would have you believe...) Which brings up my other fundamental observation, which is that a man is out of his MIND to think that the mother of his newborn child is going to be as interested in sex/snuggles/whatever as she was when they were new lovers. Young husbands need to recognize their shared responsibilities in the kitchen, laundry room, etc.

Marriage and raising a family is a partnership. Unfortunately, too many people fail to understand that, on both sides. But I'll tell you this, young men: do a couple loads of laundry (and by this I mean do them RIGHT, folded and put away) and your woman is going to be far more likely to want to make love with you than she will be if you spend the evening in front of Monday Night Football.

Just a subtle hint, boys.