Men And Directions

[nu_2_toyz]

My dh and I have been together for a long time. We have gone through ups, downs, dry spells, hot spells, etc. Anyway, I have become MUCH more open in my old age Anyway, my complaint/concern is: he doesn't take direction well

I have never liked the way my dh kisses. He is convinced I just don't like to kissing but I do miss it. My major complaint is slobber. I never come away without having to wipe off my mouth (yes, I realize I am picky). There are times for sloppy wet kisses but not ALL the time. ANyway, I showed him a section of the book Guide to Getting It On about kissing, which specifically mentions the slobber thing and he just reads it like it doesn't apply to him.

We were watching some porn and this girl was performing oral sex on another girl and I about had an orgasm watching it. I told him how much I liked what she was doing and that was that, no follow-up.

Also, I read up and researched anal sex before trying and would share what I have found with him then all-be-damned if last time we did it he went WAY too fast. I personally am terrible at giving directions "during" because I have to be in "the zone" so I like to discuss it outside of the bedroom. But he acts like it doesn't apply to him. What is it with men and directions???

Neither of us are the most self-confident people so I never want to seem critical and I always feel like when I give direction it is critical (which makes staying in "the zone" difficult ) but sometimes I get so frustrated I could scream.

Should I say "kiss me just like the book says" or "do to me exactly what she is doing to her"??

[Mike_d]

I just had a conversation with a good friend of mine about this same thing, but her man blew up at her and screamed when she told him his technique at using his fingers was not what she liked it to be. In most cases, you don't really need to say a whole lot, but more say, that is good, but I want to help too, and then move his hand or put your hand over his and give him a crash course on how to get you off. As for your situation, I think it needs some real talk out of the bedroom and you are correct in saying that is the right place to start. If he says it doesn't apply to him, tell him he is wrong. you point them out, not to be mean, but to help him get to know you better. Ask and BE WILLING to correct anythings he might have issue with on your end. Now I don't mean like the fact that you won't have a 3some, but more of things like he might want you to be more vocal or responsive and so on. If he was too quick with anal, tell him no more until he learns how to do it right. next time have him lay back and you get on him from on top and you control the speed at which he enters you. If he won't take direction, you *might* have to kick him from the drivers seat and have a turn at the wheel.

[whittibo]

Gee, I don't have any answers, but have sympathy. I have a DH much like you describe. I wrote a letter to him so he wouldn't feel confronted, but he told me a couple days ago I was rude in it. It was anything BUT rude, just stating how I feel and he got upset. Thing with some people is, all our lives we had criticism and anything out of anyones mouths now is taken as such. Can't tell me how to do something because I take it that I am an idiot and doing it wrong now. So I understand from both perspectives how your husband and you feel, but have no idea how to conquer it.

[nu_2_toyz]

Ask and BE WILLING to correct anythings he might have issue with on your end.

This is tough for the reason below.

Can't tell me how to do something because I take it that I am an idiot and doing it wrong now

Thanks for the input.

[Tyger]

Ahhhh...the age old "why can't men just ask for directions?"

It's sad that some men think that just cuz they have a dick, means that they're born good lovers. Which, to those of us who HAVE good/great lovers, we know not to be the case.

Being a good lover is a desire to please. For me, A great lover has that, and the willingness to also give direction, to teach their lover how, what, when, and where they like something.

Now, if he's irritated because he's been doing something to you for a long time, and NOW you're saying something, he kind of has a right to be irritated, just because he THOUGHT what he was doing was working. In a way, hiding, or not saying anything, to some people, is a form of lying. Trust and honesty are a must in a meaningful relationship. That said, tastes DO change, and being honest about that is also important.For example, I use to LOVE having my breasts played with, and massaged. After having our baby, and breast-feeding her for a year (something I will never ever regret), I don't like my breasts messed with. I just had so much attention given to them, as a Mom/food source, that it irritates me now. I've explained that to hubby, and though he IS a breast man, I allow him to touch and feel, to a degree, then I ask him to stop. I give a little, and let him know my limit has come. Fair's fair. He's pretty good about that. But he doesn't fully understand it either.

The only thing I can offer up is that persistence is key. Finding other ways to tell someone what you want. Or, if possible, do it to yourself, even while they're having their way with you. If they get offended at THAT, then THEY have the issue, and don't let them tell you otherwise.

[learningeveryday]

I'm totally with you on the slobber thing!!!

Would it work better if you asked him, "Could we try something a little different tonight?" Or, "I read/heard/whatever about this, and I'd really like to try it out."

Just a thought.

[whittibo]

I had a little (OK, HUGE) blowout with my hubby Wednesday night, he doesn't understand how just because HE isn't in the mood, doesn't mean we shouldn't do anything and he should just be left alone. I had to tell him how important it is for him to respect MY feelings (and me respect his too) but that it goes both ways, what if I wasn't in the mood and just blew all intimacy off for the evening, how would he feel.

He threw something at me, about how he "doesn't know what he's doing"... because he was a virgin when we got together, and I wasn't. He thinks I have this sex thing all figured out because I got around. WRONG... I was with a bunch of moron teen-aged boys who didn't know what intimacy was, they only wanted to cum. So I told him I don't know either, but we both need to learn and that we both have to be open and honest about what works and what doesn't. And if we're too embarrassed to TALK openly about it, watch for signals/signs from the other. I don't have a problem asking him, "is that good, do you like that?" but he doesn't say a word to me, and usually doesn't even make a sound.

I think we all have things to learn, and quite possibly you're doing things to him that he doesn't like and he's thinking of those things in the back of his head, "why does it matter if I am not doing it right, she's not the greatest either". Just a thought?? Perhaps you could ask him if there's anything you're doing that he would like you to do differently?? Maybe when he see's you changing and wanting to please him, he'll do the same for you??

*sigh* I wish society wasn't so screwed up.

[Mikayla1]

There is an easy way to rectify this, and all women need to know (and men too, if their woman is not pleasing them) - SHOW THEM! PERIOD! You have to move your hb head and tongue where you want it, place his hand where you need it, show him how to slow down or speed up. There is no way he can know exactly how you want to be pleasesd, and many, many men get GREATLY offended when you try to tell them.

THe easiest way to get a lover to please you is to compliment them on what they do RIGHT, and help them figure out what they are doing NO SO RIGHT. Apparently he is not willing to take subtle hints, so what you should do is this. THe next time he is eating you out, and you are not getting it, say this (or something similiar): "oh baby, that feels good, can you put a finger inside me (or two) and contine to lick my clit...I want to cum all over your face." Obviously, apply this to what you want done, or you can take his fingers and move them, you can open yourself up to give him a better view. Sometimes subtle showing works wonders when compared to talking about directions.

I know my hubby gave HORRIBLE oral sex when we got together (sorry honey) and in just a few sessions he became the best oral lover that I have ever had. All because he paid attention - and like Tyger says - wanted to please me. There is something to be said for the desire to please your lover, and it is indeed instrumental in doing so!

So, stop hinting and start showing, I am sure it will be much better!