3 Month Intervals

[Ronnyl]

Im hoping someone can give me some good advice here..... My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now the last one we have lived together. I discovered last feb over 5oo porn movies "hidden" on his computer. I also found flirty e mails to "my space women" and other websites along with an e mail to a past girlfriend that said he was remembering how intense sex was with her and it was unexciting with me. As you can imagine I was very hurt.

He watches porn every day on his computer(tries to cover it up) but it never transfers to fun for us as a couple. often there is 2- 3 months inbetween our sex dates and even then he never has an orgasm. Usually he loses his erection very quickly.

when we are having sex, he mostly lays on the bottom and puts me on top with almost no foreplay. When we first got together, he was also seeing someone else and I had to hear how "great" sex was with her and how he was hung up on it. I was hoping it would be that way for us but its just not happening. Im beginning to think that looking at all of that hard core porn has backfired and he cannot get aroused any other way. ive tried sexy underwear, i give him oral, I tease him with very little response. i think its very selfish to masturbate to porn by yourself leaving your SO ignored for weeks at a time. Last time i brought it up he said it was my fault because I seemed to be "waiting" for it and it made him uncomfortable.

As a last effort I have oredered a porn DVD ,an anal toy , and the Liberator ramp . Maybe he is too scared to ask me to do that. i dont know. if that doesnt work, Im afraid we may not make it. I love him a lot and otherwise we have a great relationship. Im wildly attracted to him but I dont feel he is all that wild about me physically. I thnik I have a great body. Im 5'8 130 lbs and very fit . To make it worse, he wont talk about it. Gets very nervous and sometimes angry talking about sex at all. its very very frustrating. How can a guy who is addicted to hard core porn not want to carry that into the bedroom with a willing partner?

Please help!!!!!

greeneyedblonde

[Mikayla1]

OK, let me see if I can weed through your question here. You have been with this guy for 2 years - has sex ALWAYS been this bad, or just when you moved in together?

Having the porn is not in and of itself a problem - but if he masturbates daily to porn and doesn't seem interested in sex with you, that IS a problem. The flirty emails to the Myspace girls, well that can be taken in a few ways. Men flirt, women flirt, it is what YOU think about it that matters. It could be harmless, or it could be him trying to find a new "high."

You mention that he has compared you to other girlfriends, and you always seem to fall short. Why are you with this guy? If you go 2-3 months between sex, he calls and communicates with his exes telling them how much sex was better with them and how you are a dissapointment AND when you do have sex he is uninterested, looses his erection AND doesn't give you any foreplay - then WHY are you with this guy?

Bad sex or lack of is not always a reason to throw in the proverbial towel, but from my outsider's opinion, this guy seems to be using you - and if it isn't for sex, what is it for? WHose place are you living in? Do you support him financially at all, or do you support each other? Are there good points to the relationship? Is he a good friend? Does he do romantic things for you? What is your incentive to stay with him?

I am not quite sure if the watching of the porn is the problem. There are instances, of course, where men who habitually watch porn can no longer get excited by "regular" scenarios or women - but I think they are in the minority of most cases. I think no one knows YOUR situation like you, and if YOU get the sense that he is not interested in sex with "real" people, then he may have a problem!

The other possibility is that all the "sex" talk and flirty conversations have translated into an erectile dysfuntion cover-up. Some men can orgasm quickly and easily with masturbation, but get nervous or feel pressured with a live partner and then loose their erections. They assume that it is the partner - or they know it is them - but they still avoid sex. It is embarrassing and confusing for them. Since men are horny - even with ED issues - they seek out the easy way to climax. For your guy, that may be porn. If he didn't have this issue until recently, then he may be trying to remember sex with partners when his penis cooperated.

If this is the case, I doubt he will admit it, or want to talk about it. Of course, it could totally just be other things.

I would suggest, that you evaluate your relationship and see how much you value him and your relationship. Do you want to try and figure out the issues in it, do you want to approach him about the problems? You sound like a smart, sexy woman who is really inner thinking herself now. Don't do that! If the relationship is not worth it - and you have decided that it can't be saved - then get out and find a new love! It is not the end of the world!

If you decide that you want to try to repair it, then good luck and perhaps you would like to try couple's counseling. How much he will cooperate about fixing this will be the biggest indication of what he feels about the relationship!

[Tyger]

Mikayla pretty much covered it all, but I wanted to emphasise a few things.

Such as, why are you with this guy? He's talking to other women in a sexual capacity, and comparing sex lives WITH his EXES TO his EXES. Making you not only seem dull, but allowing other women to feel as though he's interested in hooking back up with THEM. And you're allowing this to happen? I say "allowing" cuz you never said whether or not you've confronted him.

How is this such a great relationship? Honestly. I mean, he'd rather look at porn than have sex with you. He's not willing to please YOU, and blames YOU for his issues. He's flirting and carrying on with other women online like he's single.

How do you think he loves you if he is disrepecting you in such ways? I mean, even a true friend wouldn't say nasty things about you behind your back.

It's not your fault if he can't keep an erection, or goes soft. It sounds like you're doing everything but sell your soul to please him. Being a good lover is not only about a willingness to please, but a willingness to teach your lover how to please YOU. So far, it sounds too one-sided and selfish on his part. It makes him feel better about himself to blame you. That's not fair.

And, if he sounds as unwilling as I think he is, to even discuss the possibility that he needs some help, you can't move on with him. He has to be willing to admit the issues and try to fix it.

Again, I would seriously rethink this relationship. Yes, it hurts to move on, but, usually, it's to bigger & better things. Best Wishes!

[myknkyfn]

If you were doing all this for me I would treat you like a Queen.

Dump this guy you deserve so much better.

[Valntyn]

I can't add upon the great advice the others have given, but I do want to add my opinion: if you haven't left anything out of your story, I can't understand why you're with this loser. Dump him and find someone else who'll treat you like the intelligent woman you seem to be!!

[krisleightate]

Find some one who loves you and loves to have sex with you.

[MystryKitten]

This guy is NO GOOD! What kind of boyfriend is he to treat you like that? My boyfriend has NEVER put me down by comparing me to other lovers, thats just mean! A man who does this is shelfish and rude! You deserve better!

Like krazikris said, FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU, AND LOVES TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

good luck, and you CAN find someone better. please give us an update if anything new happens.

~MK

[cdwaldorf]

My sister stayed in a relationship like this one for 10yrs. By the time she left her self-esteem was in the crapper and she thought she was unattractive. Her husband was way involved in porn and he had erection problems as well. He constantly blamed my sister for his problem and refused to get help. In the 10 yrs of being together he never once had an orgasm. He was also secretly sending e-mails and always fantasying about other women. My sister was never enough for him. I say this b/c I don't want you to waste another minute with a man that blames you for his erection problems and makes you question your self worth. Please understand if he is not willing to get looked at then you need to go. It took my sister years to realize that the problem was with her ex-husband and not her.