Newbie frustratedashell Posted August 29, 2007 Newbie Report Share Posted August 29, 2007 i am at my absolute wits end... my husband thinks that sex is not important and thinks that i am a sex addict cuz i want to have sex with him on a regular basis... i'll start from the beginning... me and my hubby have been together 5 years.. married for 3... we have a great relatinship.. we are best friends.. have trust and honesty and open communication!!! ... we have been thru alot together and have always stood by eachother no matter wat.. but sex is a real problem... we spend alot of our spare time togetherour sex life has been a problem since abt 9 months into our relationship... when we have sex if is so so good.. but to get him to even have sex is a major drama and i have to set the perfect day and sometimes even that doesnt work.. we have talked and talked and talked abt it so many times.. and have had regular sex for a little while and then back to normal.. where it can be anywhere from 2 weeks to a month between sexing.. and it is just too much for me.. i am 23 and he is 33... i just feel like screaming.. he comes up with all sorts of excuses.. and i know he is not cheating .. he just doesnt think it is important at all... he is studying at the moment and we are worried abt money.. yes ok stress is a factor in no sexual desire but seriously.. the amount of excuses he has come up with in the last 4 years is ridiculous.. and i can give u a list of them if it will help...he thinks i talk abt sex too much and i probably do but i am so fucking horney all the time and i cant do anything abt it.. i can do it myself .. but u can do so much before u need a man.. and i dont want just any man .. i want him!!!... i have asked him just 2 - 3 times a week would be fine.. but he says yes he would like that too but that he has other priorities that he is gonna deal with first.. etc etc!!..i have tried everything...please help me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Shameless1 Posted August 29, 2007 Members Report Share Posted August 29, 2007 My husband and I have been together for 22 years. We had problems from the start with different ideas about frequency, sometimes him wanting more and sometimes myself wanting more. We even went through many years with no sex at all. Like you and your husband he is my best friend, we have been through a lot together. We have so much shared history now that I can't imagine leaving. But the sex life is still the weakest part of our relationship. Aging has added physical problems neither of us anticipated. The Urologist says my husband's low sex drive and 2 ED issues aren't treatable. Unless you want to become the queen of masturbation like I have you need to work this problem out. Of course there are times when stress and money worries take their toll on your sex life. But if this has been a problem year after year you may need to think seriously about whether this is the way you want to spend the rest of your life. If I had known a few years into my marriage what I know now I'm not at all sure we'd have stayed married. Sex is such a basic need, almost like eatting or breathing, and believe me it doesn't let you go over time. It's always possible that our husband will come around but staying 'frustratedashell' is a real possibility. I'm sorry if this is a bitter pill to swallow but I wish someone had been this straight with me back when I was younger. Too many well meaning friends gave me the it'll all work out pep talk. i am at my absolute wits end... my husband thinks that sex is not important and thinks that i am a sex addict cuz i want to have sex with him on a regular basis... i'll start from the beginning... me and my hubby have been together 5 years.. married for 3... we have a great relatinship.. we are best friends.. have trust and honesty and open communication!!! ... we have been thru alot together and have always stood by eachother no matter wat.. but sex is a real problem... we spend alot of our spare time togetherour sex life has been a problem since abt 9 months into our relationship... when we have sex if is so so good.. but to get him to even have sex is a major drama and i have to set the perfect day and sometimes even that doesnt work.. we have talked and talked and talked abt it so many times.. and have had regular sex for a little while and then back to normal.. where it can be anywhere from 2 weeks to a month between sexing.. and it is just too much for me.. i am 23 and he is 33... i just feel like screaming.. he comes up with all sorts of excuses.. and i know he is not cheating .. he just doesnt think it is important at all... he is studying at the moment and we are worried abt money.. yes ok stress is a factor in no sexual desire but seriously.. the amount of excuses he has come up with in the last 4 years is ridiculous.. and i can give u a list of them if it will help...he thinks i talk abt sex too much and i probably do but i am so fucking horney all the time and i cant do anything abt it.. i can do it myself .. but u can do so much before u need a man.. and i dont want just any man .. i want him!!!... i have asked him just 2 - 3 times a week would be fine.. but he says yes he would like that too but that he has other priorities that he is gonna deal with first.. etc etc!!..i have tried everything...please help me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyger Posted September 5, 2007 Report Share Posted September 5, 2007 I HATE the old "it'll work itself out" pep talk. Things rarely ever just work themselves out without some sort of intervention. I'm sorry that your friends did that. But, it's just recently that people are a bit more open about talking about something that is completely natural~SEX!I have to agree, you can't stop talking about it. Though, timing is very important. Not when you're horny and frustrated, and also away from the bedroom. You both need to see a marriage counselor. One that specializes with sexual issues.Just because he's 33 doesn't mean that he shouldn't have desires. He may not be as intensly horny as many young people are, but he shouldn't be flatlined in it either. If he is stressed about work/school, then he needs to also learn how to balance all of that out, as well as his marriage to you, which, of course, includes both of your sexual needs and desires. Easier said than done, I know, but a counselor will help point that out to him.Marrying your best friend is very important. It helps the marriage stick together better. Plus, you feel comfortable talking to them about anything. However, it can also make one partner give a bit less effort in the relationship, because they feel so secure and comfortable. This means the death of many marriages. In a marriage, effort must be made on both sides. Keep it interesting, truthful, and, when possible, fun. This includes sex. Sex is adult play. If you're in a committed relationship, it's between 2 loving people that care about each other and their feelings too. It should never ever be a chore! Laughing and loving are important, and it seems as though your husband has lost that knowledge. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jenny007 Posted September 13, 2007 Members Report Share Posted September 13, 2007 that sucks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members thurisas Posted September 13, 2007 Members Report Share Posted September 13, 2007 Marriage is an act that relies on trust and communication.(communication means listening as well as talking) I think you've already had troubles in both arenas. If your husband was listening to you when it would have made a difference, then this whole situation would be much different. He didn't, he betrayed the first necessity of communication. In reaction, you betrayed the second, trust. You might want to consider a marriage counselor at this point just to have a third party who can mediate between you two as you sort out your new positions in an otherwise rocky relationship. I am sure they have ways to help both of you understand the other and I believe that nothing has to be told to the other partner that you want to remain unsaid. You will, however, even with counseling have that hanging over your head for the rest of your life. You now also have to worry about whether your friend with benefits is going to be happy going back to being just a friend.Thurisas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jenny007 Posted September 13, 2007 Members Report Share Posted September 13, 2007 Have you or anyone here ever been to a counselor? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jenny007 Posted September 13, 2007 Members Report Share Posted September 13, 2007 Thanks, Howard for a long and very informative post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jenny007 Posted September 20, 2007 Members Report Share Posted September 20, 2007 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members krisleightate Posted September 20, 2007 Members Report Share Posted September 20, 2007 Dear Howard, As a professional who should be very careful with his choice of words, the meaning of the word "feasible" does not always imply "monetary feasible."When one partner is locked up in his own world, it's hard to drag him to a marriage counselor especially when this person does not even want to admit that the problem exists!If you really want to be helpful, you should include the links to those agencies you refer to. There are NO FREE (or to that matter low-cost) MARRIAGE COUNSELORS available before you enter in legal separation and don't suffer from any known pre-existing mental disorders. The reason for that is simple-millions would go there!Many churches and Planned Parenthood clinics have free or low cost Marriage Counselors. I have used the one at the Planned Parenthood clinic that used be in my area. They are good counselors and can help in all areas of martial issues. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jenny007 Posted September 20, 2007 Members Report Share Posted September 20, 2007 Many churches and Planned Parenthood clinics have free or low cost Marriage Counselors. I have used the one at the Planned Parenthood clinic that used be in my area. They are good counselors and can help in all areas of martial issues.I've done my research and unfortunately could not find any. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members krisleightate Posted September 20, 2007 Members Report Share Posted September 20, 2007 I've done my research and unfortunately could not find any.I did not even know that www.plannedparenhood.com has counselors because this is the quote from their website:Planned Parenthood health centers offer high-quality sexual and reproductive health care, including family planning, gynecological care, STI/STD testing and treatment, pregnancy testing, and abortion services. They have no clue about real Marriage Counselors, they offered for me to come in and talk to the nurse. We are both sane enough persons and don't have "an extreme urge just to talk to somebody." I understand that they have to invite me in to see if I am mentally stable and they were not the last place that rejected me before I sliced my wrists. But I am not looking to talk to Planned Parenthood nurse/counselor. I already had such experience when I came in there to get a Plan B pill and had to sit down with a nurse in who was wearing no bra with greasy hair, weighted over 250 lb, and in contrast me-size 0, neatly sharply dressed girl. I felt disgusted by answering her standard questions when was the last time of the unprotected intercourse. krazikris, I am glad you had a better experience with PP.By somehow you picked the least problematic question I addressed to Howard. That is because it was the only one that I could answer, I try to stick with things that I can give advice and help with. I am sorry you had a bad time at PP. If I hear of anything else I will PM you and let you know, Good Luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members thurisas Posted September 21, 2007 Members Report Share Posted September 21, 2007 Jenny, I don't know about your workplace, but where I work now and have worked in the past, there is an Employee Assistance Program(EAP) that can help you get services that you need. You might want to talk to your HR person to find out if your workplace offers this. I've had employees use the EAP before and have seen them get several free hours with lawyers and with psychiatrists. I can only imagine that a marriage counselor would be available too. Just a thought.Thurisas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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