I Just Cant Help It

[eikoops]

i want so badly to be open minded and accepting. so much it makes me cry. but i just don't like porn. i feel like there is something wrong with me. like i should be able to handle it or at least the idea of my SO looking at it. but it makes me feel like a scared little child. it upsets me. im as liberal as you can get about every other thing but all i can think of when i look at it is how i SHOULD look like those girls and do those gross things but i don't want to be anything like that. I feel like I should want something that makes me feel sick. I try so hard to understand the need for men to look at it but i just see it as misogynistic. The idea that these people on screen are real people acting out sex bothers me. It’s like an intrusion into our sex life. What is the difference between video cybersex and porn? One is at times considered cheating the other is not just ok but the norm. I don’t think it’s wrong really expesialy for single folks or couples who both like it. I just cant help but feel this way. Why cant I just be normal?!? Why can’t I just be ok with this? I feel like im preventing my boyfriend from doing something he needs to do just cuz I feel this way. I don’t want to be that type of person. He says it’s not important but who am I to ask him to stop? It hurts me so much to think of him getting off to that type of sex. That fake manufactured type. I want to make him happy like that. Do I need to be fake and plastic and tan and skinny and shaved to make him really happy. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want sex as much as I do. I don’t know! I just want to know how I can stop feeling this way. I just don’t want this to hurt anymore.

[thurisas]

First off, let me say that it is absolutely fine that you do not like porn. You shouldn't feel guilty about not liking it. I don't think, however, that you should be restricting your SO from watching it. Lets face it, unless he's fully pleasing himself, you'll be the one to reap the benefits. He knows how you feel as well and hopefully he minimizes the amount of exposure you get to it.

It seems that you're having a very hard time with your own self-image and you're using the porn as something to compare yourself to. The fact of the matter is that there are tons of different body types out there and you should be trying to find a way to feel comfortable and confident in your own skin. Honestly, there is nothing sexier than a woman who is confident in herself regardless of how she looks.

Another thing that I noticed is that you have a mental block that says porn and the things the actors do in porn is dirty. Why do you feel that way? What is it about your past or upbringing that makes you feel that way? Is it everything done in porn that is dirty or just select acts? Have you ever tried to suffer through the show so that you can see what it is that arouses your SO and then talk to him about possibly doing some of those things with/to him?

As far as video cybersex vs porn...cybersex is only cheating if you are keeping it a secret from your SO. It is looked at in a more negative light due to the fact that there is person to person interaction while the straight up watching of porn is a passive activity. I don't really believe in cybersex for the simple fact that I have a more than willing partner here at home if I want interaction. There are times, though, when you want a straight out release and porn is an aid to help with that, much like vibrators, sleeves, and whatnot.

Thurisas.

[eikoops]

i dont really think everything is dirty but id rather just come up with it on my own than imitate an expert. i think im just so hurt because he lied about it. he doesn't want me to have anything to do with it. he uses it for masturbation only. i told him i was uncomfortable with it as a secret thing while we are living together (at first i was willing to experiment together) and he said "oh thats not a big deal it's not really something im all that into. i promise i wont do it anymore." but then he tryed to hide it from me by doing it on the laptop. i came home and asked if he did anything while i was gone (i asked just so it wouldn't be secret and just open and honest about it) he said no. but then i found it later on with the date and time that exact time i asked. to me this means it really does mean something to him and that he wants to keep it to himself. which to me means there is a part of him that dosen't want me in his sexlife. i know people need space from each other but secrets and lies hurt. why can't he just be open about it? i would have been fine if he just sugested we try stuff together with it. but now i don't think i could.

[cdwaldorf]

I do not like porn and I will never watch it. I totally agree with everything that you are feeling and I do not feel that it is wrong for you not to want those images in your head. When I have sex with my husband I don't want to think about the "manufactured sex". I want to think about my husband. Stop feeling guilty.

[eikoops]

I do not like porn and I will never watch it. I totally agree with everything that you are feeling and I do not feel that it is wrong for you not to want those images in your head. When I have sex with my husband I don't want to think about the "manufactured sex". I want to think about my husband. Stop feeling guilty.

i needed to hear this. thanks to everyone for your input. i really hope this all works itself out.

[Mikayla1]

God is Howard right! You are giving porn WAY too much power in your life. Not only are you comparing yourself to the "experts" in the videos, but you are thinking you need to look and act like them. First, no one needs to be a "porn" star to be an expert in bed. You can be the best at what you do and never have watched porn. Second, porn is fantasy - for some people - it is not meant to be a life lesson. Now, I personally believe you can learn a lot from porn - sometimes get new ideas. However, I support anyones right to NOT watch porn.

As for your man wanting to watch porn. Well, it is his right. Of course he is hiding it from you, he doesn't want to feel like what he is doing is wrong, evil, disgusting or anything else. IF he is an adult, then it is his right to watch. Also, if he knows how much you hate it - it also adds a sense of danger and risk to it - so in essence, you are adding to the thrill of it. You may not like it that he watches it, or even understand it, but you have to try to understand that many men (and women) simply like to look at naked people having sex - it is sexy and erotic and voyeristic.

Now, your legitimate issue here is that your man lied about it to you. If he is sneaking around and not taking responsibility for an activity that he is perfectly entitled to do - there is a miscommunication in your relationship. Have you told him that HE is disgusting and wrong for wanting to watch porn? Have you tried to control him and tell him NOT to do it? Or, have you had a calm discussion where you explain your issues and concerns and asked him to not watch around you?

Sometimes the presentation is more important than the request.

Let me restate - it is perfectly fine that you do not like porn. However, it is equally fine that your man does. You need to find a way to consolidate these feelings and rights.

[jesso]

Mikayla and Howard are spot on with their advice.

Something else to think about: There's a lot of different kinds of porn out there too. Maybe you just haven't found what interests you yet. Not all porn is fake plastic barbies manufacturing sex. Yes, there's a ton of that out there. But you can find alternatives.

Plus, you don't have to be into everything sexually the same as long as you have a healthy vibrant sexual and emotional relationship. He can respect you and not watch it when you are around. But, I do think it's ok for him to watch as long as he doesn't make you feel like he is comparing you to those standards.

[eikoops]

i have enjoyed porn before this. it was artistic and i suppose what some might label 'feminist porn' it did not shoot sectioned parts of the female body it was the whole person and she was beautiful not 'sluty'. it won some type of porn award. also the men were just as beautiful as the women. they acted natural. natural is a big thing for me because i grew up as an actress and anything that isn't subtle is cheesy or overdone to me. the one thing i hated most about the stuff i found on the computer was that it was all cheep and the men were either ugly and old or overly tan and buff. the women were ugly in their faces but greased up and airbrushed. it's fine for some people but i don't like it. if i could get a hold of some artsy or feminist porn i think it would help me get past this mental block. in my heart i know that he knows all about how fake and poorly made it is and that it was a quick fix. but would it be much to ask if we could look at these things together first before i am comfortable with him looking at it by himself? right now i feel like he wants the cheesy stereotypical stuff for himself. and for some reason it bothers me... like thats what he really fantasizes about. that would be ok if he told me that he had a thing for that. but he is the type of person who not only makes fun of porn but he is a film major and is REALLY picky about the production value and convincing acting and plot in regular film. why not porn too? if this is really something he likes then why does he not want me to imitate it? is it really something he was just settling for because it was convenient? thats what he says. most importantly i don't want him to feel like this makes him bad or even that what he is doing is bad. it's mostly my struggle with how i feel about it. anyways i really think it would be good for me to find some of the porn i like. i want to be able to appreciate it again. anyone know where to start?

[jesso]

I just reviewed this one and thought it was definitely more artsy.

Link: http://forums.tootimid.com/index.php?showtopic=3699

[Tyger]

At the risk of repeating what's already been said, and also coming FROM a woman that loves to watch porn, don't feel bad, guilty, or upset at not liking porn. To each their own. You may like to watch reality TV, soap operas, talk shows, or QVC, your hubby may not. Do you think he feels guilty about not sharing those interests? Probably not. It may not be on the same scale, but, in the grand scheme of things, it kinda is too.

Part of porn, and the porn industry, is, for the most part, being geared toward the male populis, and the way that they are stimulated: visually. What many people misunderstand, especially young & inexperienced people, is that it's fantasy. It's literally "Fucking Fantasy". I don't know too many people that dress like a porn star, get screwed, at say, the library, by a perfect stranger, then, beat the bad-guys in a cheesy fight, and then goes off to save the world from Dr. Dick and his dasterdly deeds of exploding breasts. However, men love the idea of it. Most men, not all. Each man is different as to what they like, but I hope you get the idea. Normal, everyday couples don't usually have sex like that. Now, every once in a while, dressing up, role playing, and always having fun, well, that's wonderful. But, like with most TV shows and movies, things in porn are exaggerated, and shouldn't be used as educational. Plus, what's in porn is fucking, not making love, like loving couples should be doing.

Nobody likes being decieved or lied too. He should NOT have done that. He may have done so, knowing your severe distaste for porn. He didn't want to disappoint you, or disgust you. And, of course, you're probably wondering what else he could've lied to you about.

What I recommend that you do, is take porn for what it is, entertainment. If he can still make love with you, and not replace you with porn or needs it to make love with you, and it's just occassionally, well, then, it's really not a huge deal, if you think about it. Try not to get so upset. At least not bad enough where you get all upset and sick by it. Don't make it such a huge issue. He doesn't try to force you to watch it, and, he sounds like he's been trying to be discreet about watching it too.

But, I would talk to him too. Explain to him that you know he watches it, and that, even though you don't like it, you respect the fact that everyone's tastes, even married couples can vary. Just ask him not to lie to you about it. You may not like it, but, he shouldn't lie to you, and you would appreciate honesty when you ask him about it (just don't harp on him about it, or make more of it than it is). Making more of it than really is necassary is probably making it worse than the porn itself.

In no way am I downplaying your feelings. But, IMO, there are so many other things for couples to be worried about and fight about than a man watching the occassional legalized porn.

*Hugs*

[sailorzelda]

My personal opinion is this: a lot of porn is simply trashy and badly done, and is (FOR ME!, but to each his own!) kind of painful to watch. However, I do also believe that people have a hard time controlling what turns them on, and I think the porn industry makes so much money because they realize there are certain things, mostly taboo things, that are highly arousing for some or even a lot of people.

It's always hard, however, when you and your SO aren't turned on by the same things; it makes one of you feel like you have to compromise. Personally, I don't think you should feel that way. You know what you like, and you can allow your boyfriend to like what he does without feeling like it's any slight to you.