My Wife

[nosleepnmesa]

Well as most of you know my wife and I have been threw alot lately. Our sex life seemed to be back on track after her surgery things but lately she seems really depressed about alot of things. I am going to have to write the reviews on the things that were sent. I have tried alot of different things to try to get her in the mood the last week but nothing seems to be working.

She wakes up, gets the kids to school etc, but she has given up alot of things in life she enjoys, the forum here, going out, reading, masturbation, she use to have many many hobbies but she does none of them anymore. I talk to her and she says she just doesn't have the fight to live anymore. I know she has been threw alot and I know that living with Grave's Disease has not been easy on her and then her heart surgery. I come home from work to her laying on the couch curled in a ball. I have been running bubble baths for her etc.. I asked her what is going on and she says maybe mid-crisis. This is sooo out of the realm for her, she has always been a fun, exciting, care-free type person, laughing, joking. Don't get me wrong I love this women with all my heart and have been married to her for a long time. She pulled threw after the death of our child, and everything. I have done alot of romantic things for her.

Hell she use to meet me in the shower for a little morning fun, now trying to get her out of bed is worse then trying to pull her teeth out. I know she loves this board and loves doing reviews she is a very sexual person. I have asked her to go see a counselor and she has refused. I am not quit sure what is going on but she tells me all the time, she is sick of living her life in pain, and on pills to survive.

I am at a loss any advice you can give me or help would be great.

Thank you'

Kat's Hubby

[nosleepnmesa]

I have talked with her Doctors about it, they havent prescribed anything for it though, since she refuses to go. I feel like I am at the point that I should "hog tie" her kicking and screaming all the way to the Doctors office, I know though although she is a small thing she can put up a heck of a good fight when she doesn't want to do something.

I am sure she already sees me as part of the "problem", she doesn't really talk much when I try to talk to her only hurtful things come out of her mouth. It seems like she is trying to push us all away. Thank you Howard, Guess I will try the whole "hog tie" thing. Then again I think to myself, I can't make her go unless to hog tie her, the doctors wont come here and see her, she wont talk on the phone to anyone, which is really a shock since I am sure she has told you about the prison love of hers for 20yrs now he calls and him and I talk.

I will make more calls and see what I can do to get someone to come to the house and see her. Eventually I think she will snap out of it but tell then it breaks my heart to see the women I love like this.

[Mikayla1]

I am so sorry about this! Poor Kat! I am sure that the depression has to do with her surgery - this is so common - especially with younger people who have heart trauma. Look it up online - there may be some resources to help you! You are doing everything you can right now - keep doin' what you are doing. Make sure her doctors know, make sure she doesn't feel pressured or nervous and above all - keep the communication going!

Best of luck to you - and let us know how she is doing!

[ToyQueen]

Please tell the doctors what you have told us. Don't talk to the receptionist or the nurse. Insist on talking to the doctor. Kat needs to be treated. Depression is especially common after open heart surgery. You all have been through so much in the last year.

Please keep us posted. Sending all the good wishes I can to you, Kat, and your family...

[whiskeywoman]

Hey Hubby,

I can almost positively tell you whats wrong with Kat.

The holidays are right around the corner, and the loss of your boy is hitting close to home once again.

She is lonely, and she misses that part of her life.

Believe me, I know, I was the same way the first year after my son died.

The first year of holidays and birthdays are always the hardest.

I bet that Christmas was your boys favorite holiday, and usually about this time of year, Kat would be debating on what to get him, if she hadn't already done a small ammount of shopping already.

She would go to the store, look at something and say, "I bet he would love something like this", then realize, he is no longer there.

She could be cleaning something, and find a picture of him, or watch a home movie and he showed up in it.

I never had the anti depressants to get me through the holidays, nor did anyone try and help me through them.

I had to pick myself up, and dust myself off, get back up, and continue with life.

I am going to PM you my new numbers, if Kat or you needs to talk to someone who has gone through it, I am always available.

Kat

[Tyger]

OMG, I have been wondering where she's been, now I know. I will also PM you my cell phone, since her and I use to chat all the time on Yahoo.

I have to agree with the assessment of the death of your son, and it being your first holiday season without him, as well as the heart surgery, and all of the meds she's on. Of course, the first year after the death of the child is extremely hard, and she really needs to go see a counselor ASAP. Hog tie her and gag her to go. Get her while she's sleeping (puts up less of a fight that way LOL). She's probably feeling extremely guilty for surviving all she has, when your son could not. It may sound illogical, since, she had something curable, and your son was too sick to survive it. But a mother's guilt runs deep, and after seeing my MIL bury 2 out of 3 of her children, I know how deep grief can be.

Keep trying, I'm sure it's frustrating at times, to see her give up, and if she doesn't get help soon, well, let's just get her help!!

*HUGS*

[pappyld04]

I'm almost certain that this would fall under the PTSD diagnosis. With everything that has and is happening it seems fitting. I used to think this was a wastebasket, catch-all type diagnosis until I had this problem. It just seemed to be used when they couldn't figure it out. And after three different diagnosis for my own it seemed more fuel for the fire. After a lot of research I now know why. It is more or less a domino effect of one thing after another. Mine is from a dozen different accidents that should have killed me but didn't. Hers appears to be from great personal loss, the disease and the surgery. I tend to see the pattern building. Although I don't agree with the medications I do think she needs help. How to get her to accept it is the harder part. Perhaps Tyger and some of her more familiar chatmates could help with that. I hope things get better for you both. It cannot be easy for you either. Hang tough!!!

[nosleepnmesa]

Update: Kat is still the same a counselor has been coming out to the house ad trying to talk to her, but she is just clammed up wont talk, In fact Thanksgiving she just stayed home alone and didn't want anything to do with anyone. Tyger and Whiskeywomen I did give her your numbers and I am hoping she will call one of you. She has loss some weight the counselor is trying to work with her they have recommend that I have her admitted for a litttle bit but I can't seem to do that to her, I love her very much and I think being at home is best for her. She does interact with the children though and the counselor says that is very good at least she hasnt cut them out, although she has cut everyone else off in her life, family, friends etc...

I have high hopes though she will snap out of it in time. Please keep her in you thoughts, the counselor believes that it is all the stress over the yrs the death of our child, etc that she has held in for sooo long.

Just an update!!!

Thank you all sooo much for listening to me vent.

Kats hubby

[Tyger]

I hope she does better soon.

Hon, I know it's hard, and I hope she doesn't get mad at me (when she gets better) for saying this, but, as someone who's had someone she cares about have to be admitted for a while, for their own good, darlin' if the counselor thinks that that's the best, and probably safest thing for her, then you should do it. Depression has many levels, and you don't know how far or deep she's gone since she's not telling you. I'd hate for something to happen, or for her to do something to herself, and have you regret not doing something. You brought in the counselor for his/her expertise, and advice, it's best to follow it for her to try and get better.

Home doesn't seem to be helping. She's cutting herself off, and, especially this time of year, that's not a good thing at all.

She won't want to go, most likely. She's wallowing in misery, and that's not healthy for her, or you. My fear is that she may be thinking suicide, and not speaking it, since she's not talking with anyone. Some people internalize things more, and cutting the ones that love them off makes it easier in their minds. I don't want to scare you, though, I'm pretty sure that this has probably crossed your mind.

Think of what's best for HER. Having her home is comforting, since you know where she is, and can see her, but, it's not best for her.

Please pass my love on to her. Best wishes to you both.

[Deveninny]

Sadly this seems to happen to many more women than men. I myself dealt with a situation that had nothing to do with surgery, but childbirth and some losses.

My ex was very close to her father who passed away when she was 18 around the holidays. She was definitely affected each holiday by this and discussing it with her and her family did nothing to resolve her depression. While we were together, we started talking about children, yet I wasn't ready and neither was she...so I acquired a beautiful Akita puppy, a runt who had a "kennel accident" that cut all but a small (ball) of her tail off, or so we were told. This phenomenal puppy was groomed into a loving and playful part of our "family" that gave nothing but pure love and excitement. Just before the holidays, around the end of August, our 18 M.O. Akita became stricken with a torsed spleen and had to have emergency surgery. Upon that surgery, we found her to have poly-cycstic kidneys, a rare disease in canines, moreso found in felines. With this disease the Dr told us her life would be drastically shortened, as her kidneys would fail much sooner unless she was put on a strict diet. (not only was she put on that diet, but she was taken to Cornell University every 3 months for blood work and testing) 2 years after this ordeal had begun, we became pregnant...which as you all know does strange things to a woman's hormones. The whole pregnancy was strange to me, crying, temper tantrums and so on. Shortly after the birth of our son (July), our Akita became very ill as the Dr had stated she would. In October of 2000 we had to put her down, electing to do so at the home, in the company of our families. At that time it was the single most difficult thing I've ever personally done, but I wouldn't change a thing looking back on it today. I held my girl as she left our world...my gift to her. Within days, my ex became withdrawn, so withdrawn she refused to go to work, care for our son and even maintain her own cleanliness. So I made an appt for her through her GYN, who then prescribed Zoloft. She became semi-normal again, yet had a very carefree attitude on life. (paying bills late, almost getting us evicted, electricity was in fear of being shut off, yet the bank account was plenty in the black) One night, almost 2 years later... I came home to find the vacuum running in my 19 month old sons bedroom, where it apparently had been on for sometime, as the room was well into the 90 degree range. I flipped out....my compassion was lost with the fear of what if the vacuum had caused a fire and she slept through my son burning to death. I told her she needed to snap out of it and come back to the real world, where "WE" needed her. She said that she couldn't...come to find out, it had partially been the result of the Zoloft, causing her to disconnect. I explained to her that she should stop taking the Zoloft and if she didn't I would take our son and leave her. This brought about a significant change...or so I thought. She had cut down on the daily dosage, to half of the RX daily. Soon she went right back to her being withdrawn. Within 12 weeks, I did take our son and leave, yet making sure she was not going to be left alone I contacted her sister who moved in for a few weeks....which is all it took for her to realize that her being withdrawn was something that was not going to be accepted. Within 10 days she called me and asked if I would consider moving back in, which I did do and she agreed to stop taking Zoloft and seek other forms of help. The largest form of help\therapy was, quiet time. Just her and I, sitting there in the dark holding each other. We didn't say a word for weeks while the lights were off, yet I held her in my arms until we fell asleep.

I hope you have faith in yourself and your wife, she needs to know you'll be there at all times...but then again she needs to know you think she's worth the effort....even if it means checking her in someplace to help her get her thoughts in order. I myself have been through a lot, yet nothing like this.

I wish you the best with the upcoming holidays and you two will be in my prayers.

[pappyld04]

Sadly this seems to happen to many more women than men. I myself dealt with a situation that had nothing to do with surgery, but childbirth and some losses.

My ex was very close to her father who passed away when she was 18 around the holidays. She was definitely affected each holiday by this and discussing it with her and her family did nothing to resolve her depression. While we were together, we started talking about children, yet I wasn't ready and neither was she...so I acquired a beautiful Akita puppy, a runt who had a "kennel accident" that cut all but a small (ball) of her tail off, or so we were told. This phenomenal puppy was groomed into a loving and playful part of our "family" that gave nothing but pure love and excitement. Just before the holidays, around the end of August, our 18 M.O. Akita became stricken with a torsed spleen and had to have emergency surgery. Upon that surgery, we found her to have poly-cycstic kidneys, a rare disease in canines, moreso found in felines. With this disease the Dr told us her life would be drastically shortened, as her kidneys would fail much sooner unless she was put on a strict diet. (not only was she put on that diet, but she was taken to Cornell University every 3 months for blood work and testing) 2 years after this ordeal had begun, we became pregnant...which as you all know does strange things to a woman's hormones. The whole pregnancy was strange to me, crying, temper tantrums and so on. Shortly after the birth of our son (July), our Akita became very ill as the Dr had stated she would. In October of 2000 we had to put her down, electing to do so at the home, in the company of our families. At that time it was the single most difficult thing I've ever personally done, but I wouldn't change a thing looking back on it today. I held my girl as she left our world...my gift to her. Within days, my ex became withdrawn, so withdrawn she refused to go to work, care for our son and even maintain her own cleanliness. So I made an appt for her through her GYN, who then prescribed Zoloft. She became semi-normal again, yet had a very carefree attitude on life. (paying bills late, almost getting us evicted, electricity was in fear of being shut off, yet the bank account was plenty in the black) One night, almost 2 years later... I came home to find the vacuum running in my 19 month old sons bedroom, where it apparently had been on for sometime, as the room was well into the 90 degree range. I flipped out....my compassion was lost with the fear of what if the vacuum had caused a fire and she slept through my son burning to death. I told her she needed to snap out of it and come back to the real world, where "WE" needed her. She said that she couldn't...come to find out, it had partially been the result of the Zoloft, causing her to disconnect. I explained to her that she should stop taking the Zoloft and if she didn't I would take our son and leave her. This brought about a significant change...or so I thought. She had cut down on the daily dosage, to half of the RX daily. Soon she went right back to her being withdrawn. Within 12 weeks, I did take our son and leave, yet making sure she was not going to be left alone I contacted her sister who moved in for a few weeks....which is all it took for her to realize that her being withdrawn was something that was not going to be accepted. Within 10 days she called me and asked if I would consider moving back in, which I did do and she agreed to stop taking Zoloft and seek other forms of help. The largest form of help\therapy was, quiet time. Just her and I, sitting there in the dark holding each other. We didn't say a word for weeks while the lights were off, yet I held her in my arms until we fell asleep.

I hope you have faith in yourself and your wife, she needs to know you'll be there at all times...but then again she needs to know you think she's worth the effort....even if it means checking her in someplace to help her get her thoughts in order. I myself have been through a lot, yet nothing like this.

I wish you the best with the upcoming holidays and you two will be in my prayers.

Many people think that there is some magic pill that cures all this mess. Zoloft does work for some but mostly with panic disorders. Don't take this wrong but I don't see how leacing shows your SO that she is worth anything. I do see that your babies safety is at the front of it all which is expected. However the way to show someone they are worth caring about is not by leaving when things get bad. Suicidal thoughts are something that are common with this problem but those who have been here know it is more of a fight to get rid of these than to follow them. That is the worst part of it. Not all of us are willing to take they short route. Can you even imagine what it is like to drive down the highway and wonder what it may be like to drive into that concrete barrier? It is sickening. The other things that come into play are what happens if the car continues on and kills someone other than me. That is not something we want to live with either. I know it sounds like shit but I just wanted to clue you guys in on how this feels. I've faced death many times and it has never won. After a few times you start to feel invincible. Now it is even worse. Nothing scares you anymore. My last one was a fall fromm 100' and as I was coming down I made my peace. SOMEHOW, I landed on my feet with not even a scratch. This happened at the first of my shift so after I made my smartassed comment to the floorhands and went right back up I had 7 1/2 hours to contemplate what had happened. Not even a month later it happened to someone else and their boss tried to catch him. Killed both of them INSTANTLY!!! There's food for thought!!! There are many things that people believe will help and I used to be one of those. Until you've been there you CANNOT understand how it really feels. I know this may sound hateful and it is not intended that way. I just want people to know what she is possibly going through here!!!!

[DirtyBlonde]

I haven't been around for a while so I'm just now catching up...I will certainly send my prayers & good vibes your way.