Semi-poly?

[Avalon616]

So I've been in a steady relationship with a man for over 2 years now, and we've been living together for about 6 months. Our relationship with each other has few rough spots, if any: the sex is fantastic, we laugh together constantly and share hobbies, and we generally don't fight about financials or anything! However, I do foresee a possible issue for the future:

I'm polyamorous, and he's not.

He says he's 100% ok with me dating other people, and that he's just not interested. He loves it when I bring women home for sex (I generally only date women, I'm not really interested in men, he was a fluke), and we have had some fantastic threesomes. I've dated a few women on my own as well, and it hasn't been a problem. After our dates, I would come home and share all the lurid details, and he'd get all steamed up as well. However, those few dating experiences never really went anywhere beyond a few dates or hot sex, so it never got into a realm I was concerned about. He and I are pretty heavily into the BDSM scene as well. Recently, we've joined some new local social BDSM groups, and I have met a lot of women who want to sleep with me. While I know he's fine with that, I'm worried what will happen if I develop serious feelings for any of them.

I have talked about all this with him multiple times, and his main answer is: "I honestly don't know how I'll feel until I'm in the situation." I don't think that's an unfair answer at all, but I'm afraid of getting involved with someone and then him getting hurt.

I know other people have had this happen to them, and I'd love to hear some advice or stories about what you did.

[Mr Big]

Heh heh - This is why I primarily search out polyamorous women even as friends. You never know where your heart will take you. If you get to attached to a mono, be prepared to live like one. If he's at least poly-friendly/curious as seems to be the case, you can see what develops. I hope you find a girl open to a triad instead of a V. I guess the magic question to ask yourself is, do you love him enough to give him veto power and live as a mono if he can't handle it? I have several poly friends that live mongamously because of that very reason.

~Big

[Tyger]

Correct me if I'm wrong, please, but wouldn't this be more along the lines of an open relationship?

To me, being "Poly" is having more than one SO on both parts. I knowyou put "Semi-poly", but to me, the term is open-ended, especially if HE doesn't have any sort of relationship with the women you do?

[Avalon616]

Correct me if I'm wrong, please, but wouldn't this be more along the lines of an open relationship?

To me, being "Poly" is having more than one SO on both parts. I knowyou put "Semi-poly", but to me, the term is open-ended, especially if HE doesn't have any sort of relationship with the women you do?

To quote Wikipedia- "Polyamory [...] is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. "

I consider myself polyamorous because I can see myself falling in love with someone other than my partner, and still be fully in love with my partner. Open relationships usually just refer to the people having sex with other people, not having a loving relationships. I would love to have a girlfriend, and not just a sex partner, as well, I just haven't met any women recently I could develop a relationship with. He SAYS he is open to me doing so, but he honestly doesn't know if he'll get jealous or freak out, because he's never been in that situation before.

Being poly doesn't mean being in one big group. While Triads are common (3 people all dating each other), it's also common to have people having separate partners completely. There are many many different ways to be poly- once again the handy resource Wikipedia:

Forms of polyamory include:

# Polyfidelity, which involves multiple romantic relationships with sexual contact restricted to specific partners in a group (which may include all members of that group).

# Sub-relationships, which distinguish between "primary" and "secondary" relationships (e.g. most open marriages).

# Polygamy (polygyny and polyandry), in which one person marries several spouses (who may or may not be married to, or have romantic relationships with, one another).

# Group relationships and group marriage, in which all consider themselves associated to one another, popularized to some extent by Robert A. Heinlein (in novels such as Stranger in a Strange Land, Time Enough For Love, Friday, and The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress). Also works by Robert Rimmer, and Starhawk in her books The Fifth Sacred Thing (1993) and Walking to Mercury (1997).

# Networks of interconnecting relationships, where a particular person may have relationships of varying degrees of importance with various people.

# Mono/poly relationships, where one partner is monogamous but agrees to the other having outside relationships.

# So-called "geometric" arrangements, which are described by the number of people involved and their relationship connections. Examples include "triads" and "quads", along with "V" and "N" geometries. A triad could be either a V or a triangle. "

The last one was what Mr. Big was referring to with the V versus Triangle.

Heh heh - This is why I primarily search out polyamorous women even as friends. You never know where your heart will take you. If you get to attached to a mono, be prepared to live like one. If he's at least poly-friendly/curious as seems to be the case, you can see what develops. I hope you find a girl open to a triad instead of a V. I guess the magic question to ask yourself is, do you love him enough to give him veto power and live as a mono if he can't handle it? I have several poly friends that live mongamously because of that very reason.

~Big

If it turns out my man can't handle me loving someone else, so be it. At this point I'm sure I want to spend the rest of my life hearing about his day and spending time with him. While I believe life can be enriched my multiple loving relationships, I don't think that experience is worth destroying the amazing relationship I have now.

I would LOVE a triad. Ahh, the elusive live-in bisexual female. And after talking to him, he seems open to the idea. He's definitely poly-friendly, but he's just not sure if he can handle doing it.

My big fear is that he can't, and it all blows up. That is the last thing I want.

[OPL Laundry Goddess]

The thing about poly is that its a journey... go slowly and communicate throughout. As long as he is willing to take the next step, whatever that may be, then you can in all consciousness move forward. Might I suggest you find some poly forums, as there can be a lot of support along your path with people that are like minded and facing the same challenges. (FYI, our fav is polyamoryonline.org)

Good Luck, Avalon!

~the laundry goddess

[pappyld04]

Our recently (acquired?) PolyLife members may be your best look at howthese relationships work. From a poly-curious standpoint I would guess that communication would be the major key in this. There are always going to be people who could never understand the desire to be with more than one person but it is your life and you have to choose what makes you happy. As long as noone gets hurt I say go for it. But that in itself may be the obstacle to overcome!

[Radagast97]

Correct me if I'm wrong, please, but wouldn't this be more along the lines of an open relationship?

To me, being "Poly" is having more than one SO on both parts. I knowyou put "Semi-poly", but to me, the term is open-ended, especially if HE doesn't have any sort of relationship with the women you do?

Avalon has it correctly on all counts. Poly is about being open to or the practice of multiple relationships. It's strongly implied that all one's SO's have that option too.

I've been in a full triad (MFM) and am married. My wife isn't poly. I wish she were. I've hoped she would find someone that interests her, but she has no interest. When we first were married (and before) we had an open relationship. It was she who decided she had no desire in pursuing other relationships.

Poly, in my opinion, is more about who one is with respect to the nature of one's desired relationships, much the same as being gay is who one is sexually attracted to. One doesn't cease being gay when not having sex with another person who's gay. Just because I'm not currently in a relationship other than my wife, or that my wife isn't poly, doesn't change who I am or how my desired relationships are.

Avalon,

The poly mantra is always communicate, communicate, communicate. Open and honest communication is the only way to keep things stable. It doesn't guarantee they will, but it will ensure you have the best chance of the relationship doing well.

Hey Big,

Nice to see friends here.

Laundry Goddess,

Hey love, hope you guys are doing well. Missed you last time. *Hugs*

Glenn

[Smile4Me]

Hmmm, a thought-provoking topic. My hubby and I are swingers, and our experiences are secluded to only sexual exchanges between other couples or adding a 3rd. I don't necessarily believe in polymory, as I believe there is a soul mate (not mates) for everyone, but then again, I'm also very open-minded to the various alternative lifestyles people engage in. This is a very complex situation you're in, as I know swinging makes things complicated sometimes, I couldn't imagine being open emotionally too. My personal opinion: communicate your worries to him. Make sure he KNOWS beyond the shadow of a doubt that you could indeed develop emotional interest in any of these extra lovers, but that it in no way affects your feelings for him (I'm assuming). If that isn't something he's prepared for, he will either have to swallow hard and walk away or allow you to share your love between whoever you see fit.

Sorry if that was too blunt, but I tried to be brief and get my point across. Communication is the best way to keep someone you care about from feeling alienated, so let it all hang out!!!

Good luck