Fiance Help!

[BLUE_INC]

I haven't been on lately because me and my finance have kind hit a hard spot and broke up!. *cries* I loved her and still do. She also still loves me. But she started to lie. And still continues to lie! I dont know what to do. I want to get back together with her and she wants the same. But I want her to stop lie'n to me! And the part that gets me the most is when she tries to say shes not lie'n and she knows she is and she knows I know shes lie'n. I have started to wonder if she lies when she says she loves me. I know I shouldn't but I do. I love her with all my heart! I feel empty with out her. Its hard for me to sleep because I'm so used to her falling asleep in my arms with me. I need help I don't know what to do so I thought I'd come here in hopes that someone would be able to help me! I still love her very much!

[mailahn97]

What types of things is she lying about? If it is something really major I would definately have to do a lot of thinking. If it is minor things maybe just take a step back from the relationship for a little bit. Sometimes you can get a clearer perspective not being right into the throws of things. Analyze it to see is it her age(maturity) that is pushing some of this. Maybe step back with the relationship as well and starting dating per se again and work the trust back up if you feel it might be something that she can work on.

My only thoughts are if she is lying while you are engaged....will it continue when you marry. The other things I hate to say you have caught her in lies, but are there any that you haven't found out. I have been through the lying and ultimately I found the worse lie my other half of 8 years was cheating. To him he didn't think it was cheating but to me it was. He kept denying it that he did nothing at all, but when I confronted him with proof it shut him down. He then said yes he did it but it wasn't cheating.

Some background my former was into bondage...I really wasn't. I went away for a long weekend with our daughter to visit my parents well he met a woman off the internet, went to her place in her bedroom....she undressed to her underwear, he tied her up and took pictures. He kept saying it wasn't cheating. I said well if you honestly felt that way you would have told me. That stopped him dead in his tracks.

If you have a friend that you can trust that knows both of you...they can sometimes also help you analyze things objectively that is another approach that might work. Just remember this is something that is better off figured out now than once you say I do then it is even harder.

[thurisas]

I think you may want to step back and take a really good hard look at your relationship while you have this chance. Obviously she has lost your trust. You have to ask yourself what you're going to accept before you will start trusting her again. Is it even possible for you to trust her again? I don't know what she's lied to you about but apparently it means a lot to you and you're the one who is going to have to live with that if you get married. Is it something that is going to fester if she doesn't admit to her lies? Is it something you are going to be able to get past? Love is all well and good, but until you can trust you don't have a functional relationship.

Randy.

[Mikayla1]

It is really hard for me to consider marrying someone who lies to me. You are not married yet, and this may just be a "God's whisper" telling you to hold off on the marriage plans. Most people, I believe, do want a marriage that is based in certain values, and trust is definitely a value that I think is very, very important. This may be your chance to think about if you may be making a mistake.

I also believe that some people starting lying about the little stuff - and then it turns into the bigger stuff. This isn't always the case, but I believe it is primarily the case. IF she is lying about the small stuff, how long until the biggies? I think this shows her lack of respect for you. Everybody lies at one point or another in a relationship - sometimes simly because they are afraid of loosing the other person - and then ironically, it is the lie that costs them that person.

Just take a look, objective look and try to figure out how important trust is to you and if you will be able to trust her again. Lots of people are in love with people or love people - but they never marry them for one reason or another.

[triedntru]

I'm very sorry that you SO is lying to you, that has to be hard on you. You need to take a step back and see if you can imagine spending the rest of your life checking out her story or having that doubt in the back of your mind. I wish you the best of luck in this part of your life. Please know that there is always somebody out there that will treat you right. Good luck

[pappyld04]

There absolutely has to be trust or you will be miserable every day.

[square]

Agreed; gotta have trust. I have found my wife lying from time to time, mostly minor stuff. But even with little stuff it does erode trust, and then that makes you wonder if she is on the level with more important things, and it takes a while to build that trust back.

If your girl has lied to the point you've broken off engagement, then I'd tend to think it is not minor stuff. Marriage ain't always a picnic as it is, and if you don't have trust, I think you'll be a lot more miserable married than you are now. If you aren't able to work things out, at least your current misery will fade with time, and strengthen you in the end. And you may well one day look back and think, "what a dope I was for even thinking about staying with her." But a marriage without trust will eat and beat you down for a long time.

Another thought: Why is she lying? Is it just easier than dealing with your stubbornness on some issue (probably what was behind most of my wife's lies; I can be pretty stubborn about certain things [but so can she] ) ? Or are there more malevolent reasons?

[BLUE_INC]

Thanks Guys and Gals. Your some really nice ppl. And she has been lie'n to me about lil minor things but what has also got'n said was If its something minor how long till it becomes huge. And thats what I've been asking myself.

Then she gose and asks me can we start dating again in 2 months? I've told her highly doubt it. I also have told her as many lil lies she has lied to me about might even take 2 years or more. The sad part is for me to say that really hurts me on my part but I gota realize I'm doing it for the best and if she loves me she'll stop lie'n and prove it.

I'm say thanks guys! You guys are great!

[crossroads123]

Please take a word of advise from someone who's been there "if she's lying now she will continue to and you will never be able to trust her!!!!! I know you don't thing so now BUT no shot of pussy is worth the heartache and misery you will have to live though. Cock either. Been there done that got the divorce papers to prove it!!!

[Tyger]

Think of it this way: Relationships/Marriage is like a house, and the foundation is TRUST. If your foundation is cracked, it will soon crumble. Each "little lie" though not big in itself, erodes the foundation, causing it to become unstable. Without a good, solid foundation, the house/marriage will fall down.

Trust is the most important thing. If you're about to do something that you don't want to tell your SO, then maybe you should not be doing it.

I'm sorry she lied to you. Giving time frames generally doesn't work. That sometimes gives people the wrong idea, that they can misbehave up until that point, instead of working on themselves, and then it's even harder for them to change.

Best wishes!

[BLUE_INC]

Thanks again Tyger. I agree 100% with what you said!

I think im not going to date her for awhile and I'm going to watch her and see how she acts! I know it was wrong of me to tell her to prove herself to me but I did. I figured if she wants to date me again in due time I told her I want to see it. And I no longer want to see or here about any lies!

[pappyld04]

Are you sure that she is only admitting the small ones here? The major ones just may not have surfaced yet! It does seem that there is something more here than we can see. Dope may be playing a part here. Meth is my first thought!

[Tyger]

Many people are honest. However, I wouldn't jump the gun and say that this woman is a drug addict, unless there's other proof of that. Not all liars use drugs. Now, if she's stealing, loosing a lot of weight, having dental/skin issues, has severe mood swings, and is lying, then that's something to look into. But I wouldn't jump the drug panic button yet.

No matter what, lying can turn into a habit, where you're not even realizing you're doing it, until after it's blurted out. People WILL catch a liar, cuz they never can keep their stories straight, and, not only will she loose you, but her other friends as well. Lying just doesn't stop with one person, usually, lies to keep up other lies, and so on, also like a "house" theory. It's really sad that she can't just tell the truth. And there's a way to tell the truth and be nice about it too.

Giving someone ultimatums rarely works, and time frames don't really work much either. The person doing the "wrongs" has to fess up, admit that they are doing so to you and themselves, and actively work on the problem. If she isn't doing any of that, then she won't be likely to change.

Unfortunately for you, and her, that habit is extremely hard to break, and still save face. Nobody wants to admit to the world that they're a liar, and can't be trusted. People lie for a variety of reasons. Lately, I've learned that many women lie to gain sympathy from friends or BFs, to try and make these people closer to them. The more of a "victim" they appear, the more people rally to their aide whenever they need affirmation that they're special.

My advise would be to move on, go do stuff with the guys, give yourself time to heal, have a few dates with other women, learn what kind of woman you really want in your life, play the field, have some fun. It's her loss, but you shouldn't be the one moping around. Heal, learn, and it'll make you a better man for someone else later on down the road.

[BLUE_INC]

Well I can certainly say shes not a drug user or dealer! Actually I just got done having a talk with her about that yesterday morning. I told her theres no chance in hell of us getting back together if she even talks to one let alone be one. Then theres no hope for us getting back together! But anyways I dont know she told me something that she was going to talk to a counselor I think thats how its spelled. But anyway yea I know the hole private thing about telling about what your patient and the counselor talk about but she can tell me if she has yet talked to her and she said she was going to so all I got to do is call and ask. And I told her yesterday if she lies to me again theres no hope at for either of us.

But I will make sure to let everyone here know what happens weather or not we get back together.