Need Advice Please!

[colletteski]

Okay so I LOVE LOVE LOVE sexxx, i'm a freak, really. But DH on the other hand, not so much; or not at all in fact. We have been together since I was 14, and married when I had just turned 18. Dating, he was semi playful but more into just sex, no 4play at all. I didn't care then because I wasn't really adventurous, I was into places and timing was all that mattered since we couldn't really just do it at home since our parents didn't approve. Well when we got married it's like he just stopped. Soon after getting married I became pregnant and I was one horny pregnant woman but he didnt' want to touch me at all! He claimed he was afraid he'd hurt the baby. I had never masturbated before but started then sometimes, not often. Honestly I never knew what an orgasm felt like until then, I tried to tell him what I wanted and what would actually 'get me off' but he wasn't interested. He got mad and began to tell me that it hurt his feelings and that he must not please me. Which isn't true, but I would like for him to explore with me! Well I gave up and have taken care of myself for a while now and then last year I was invited to a slumber party at 1st my husband forbid me to go. Basically I told him to bite me and that I was going anyway because it would be fun. He was really quite upset and told me I couldn't buy anything. I did buy a toy and didn't tell him, I also bought a vibrating cock ring to try and thought that maybe if I suggested a couples toy he wouldn't be so against it. He was semi open when that came and we tried it, and it cut his circulation off, it was too small and hurt him. So that went into the trash. I have been lurking on here for a while and have found some great ideas and some awesome new moves, he's been happy and accepting to what I want to do to him in bed. He really enjoys me giving him head and will request it and will do whatever I want to do to him. But he still wont touch me. I'm starting to get offended by it. I don't know why he wont. I have never received oral, I have given it COUNTLESS times and he is pleased by it, why wont he touch me??? I have tried to show him what I want and if I touch myself in front of him or during sex he gets offended that he doesn't please me, same if I try to show him or if I put his hands on me it's like fire he springs away as fast as he can. I just don't get it at all! I got the freebie toy on here last week, the g-spot toy, I have never had a g-spot orgasm because he isn't willing to touch me and I feel guilty if I play with myself because he gets so offended by it. I did tell him that I bought this toy because it's free and I want to try some new stuff. I REALLY want to do bondage I think that would be sooo hot! During halloween I got a costume and dressed up and acted out a little and he seemed interested in that but just wanted to watch the show and not play with me. I don't understand. Any advice??? I would really like him to be insterested in bondage, toys, oral, ANYTHING that would be nice. Ive never even had an orgasm with him and he doesn't know that, I think it would kill him to learn that. Any advice would be awesome! Thanks!

[colletteski]

Thanks Iha! I do have a tendency to make LONG posts, I'm sure now that I'm posting here everyone will see that, lol ooops, oh well. Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. Hopefully I can get my man to ease up a bit! It's gotta be a battle I guess, hopefully it will be worth it in the end

[Mikayla1]

Iha has given you great advice, as per usual!

I note that you are very, very young. Am I to assume that you are each other's first and only partners? If so, it is no wonder that you are having issues, there has been no 'independent' learning. You will have to learn together, and that is not as easy as it might sound. Discovering one's sexuality is a wonderful thing - and doesn't have to be with many partners- but it does have to be with willing ones. It seems as though he is a taker - and not a giver - and he is a bit insecure and one-sided. He wants YOU to blow him, but is unwilling to get you off orally or manually. That is selfishness and has to stop. My golden rule as always been - you do for me, I do for you - you do not do for me, I will not do for you.

Now, he also has issues with you touching yourself during sex - and that means that he is insecure about himself. It really has nothing to do with you and your pleasure, it has to do with him thinking: my penis is all you should need. He is ignorant as to the ways of a woman's body. Meaning, 80-85% of all women need clitoral stimulation to climax, and if he is not giving it to you, or you are not giving to yourself, you may not climax. He assumes his penis can do it all - and it can't. Not to mention that there are many other ways to climax - and it can be fun to explore those ways together.

Iha is right on when he says that it is important to be patient and learn together. You are growing, now you have to help him grow too. In the meantime, there is nothing at all wrong with you gratifying yourself.

[pappyld04]

Bedbunny, I think with all that you did post there will be many different things that will be discussed. All that you posted is very relevant to the matter at hand. It is a lot of info and that should be an example of giving all the details you are comfy with. I see iha mentioned the comunication thing and I would follow what he stated there. Tact is one thing but I don't get a feeling that he would be receptive to that either. He should really be here too. He seems to have a lot to learn. Not only about machismo but about what does and doesn't satisfy a woman. I found it odd that you say he satisfies you when really he does not even come close. Some of your needs maybe but not this one. It is a problem that can have basically 2 different outcomes. It may pull you together or drive you apart. Since you are here asking it may be up to you to find the solution. I hope everyone weighs in to help you! BTW welcome to the forum. And there is nothing wrong with using toys. Hopefully he can open his mind and see this!

[thurisas]

You've gotten some great advice from Iha and Mikayla, but I just wanted to add a couple of things here.

. First off, you say he doesn't know you've never orgasmed. That says to me you're faking it and that is doing you no good whatsoever. Mikayla did a nice article in the sex education section of the forum (the tab is just under the Too Timid banner at the top of this page) that goes into detail about this and I suggest you read that.

. Next, you're hiding things from him (i.e. your toy) and no matter how well you think you're hiding it this will come and bit you in the butt someday. Better to tell him now, explain your reasonings, and deal with the aftermath than keep it a secret until he finds it on his own.

. Also, he needs to get some education too. I don't know the dynamic of your relationship other than what you've put down here but it seems like you're going to have to be the one to break down some of these walls. You're going to have to be blunt with him but you also are going to have to have the knowledge to back yourself up. Ideally you should try to convince him to start reading these forums and learn for himself but until that happens you're going to have to play the part of teacher.

. Lastly, like it was said in previous posts, you need to be respectful and turn away from any bitterness you might be feeling. Get back into friendship mode and leave as much of the sexual pressure out of it as you can for a small time. The more you push someone, the harder they tend to push back sometimes. You may be a major contributor to your own lack of success in this situation.

Randy.

[crossroads123]

I think you have gotten some good advice, however I think one important point is being over looked. I understand you are both young and perhaps have little or no outside experience, you both have alot of growing up and together to do. I think the point that is being overlooked is HE"S getting his without having to put out much effort, or concern for you and your needs. You say he has got countless blowjobs why in the hell would he return the favor? He's got his and he's done. He gets his rocks off and THATS all he cares about! I know I've been there (100 years ago).

I know that's only my $.02 and I am coming out of a failed relationship, but that's how I see it.

[trina2008]

You have received some great advice from everyone as usual. The only thing I can add is that I have been in your position, my first husband was the same way. I found it very hurtful and like I was doing something wrong or there was something wrong with me. You should try and talk to him about it, but make sure you talk when there are no distractions and keep calm and don't push the subject. I know this is upsetting and I really do feel for you. Like I have seen in a lot of replies, there is always the possibility that somewhere down the line that this may pull you apart. You always have a choice, maybe showing him this site might help him realize that you are trying to make your sex life better and are willing to try new things with him.. Maybe if you reassure him in some way that you want to become closer to him and by exploring sex is a way to become closer. But before you do anything just try and reassure him that you are happy with him and show him that in different ways ( not sexually).

There is also nothing wrong with masterbation!!! My hubby is on the road 5-6 days a week and we still find a way to talk about sex and I even masterbate while on the phone with him. It is so HOT!!! It just wants him to come home sooner and have sex when he walks in the door...lol

I hope this helps you in some way. If you have any questions or just want to chat about it you can PM me at anytime.

[jhard]

Hey there bedbunny!

I am in the same situation as you, only a bunch more years into it. If nothing else read this NOTHING WILL CHANGE NOT NOW NOT EVER unless you (HE) takes action to fix this. It will not get better on it's own. I thought things would get better for me (us) on thier own and they never did, only worse.

jhard