3 Months Without Anything :-(

[mmmmcandi]

Sorry...

[Desires08]

My SO lives in another country and since I'm not 24yo, I can only see him for 3 months at a time.

We got a lucky break and he came here for 3 months and I returned with him and stayed for 3 months. We've enjoyed each other many times before, and we enjoyed each other for the first 4 months we were together. Once we got back to his home, we did nothing. Other than boob grabbing or ass smacking, there was nothing. I saw him get aroused, I felt him be aroused, but we never had sex. It made me feel really bad and I tried to ask him about it and he couldn't tell me a reason. After the first 2 months or so, I gave up trying to have sex with him. The final 3 months are over now and we won't see each other for at least another 3 months so... that's a long time without sex.

What do you think? I don't know what I could have done to be the reason he didn't want to do it anymore. His penis still worked, or else he wouldn't have had erections.

It feels so bad to know that he'd rather let his erection fade away than let me touch it, or do anything to it.

I love him so much, but it really, really hurts. Even with all the wonderful, random compliments he gives me, I still feel horribly unattractive and sexually unappealing.

Sorry, I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening though.

There are some really wonderful people here, and I really enjoy reading all ya'll have to say. Thanks for the smiles, guys. :-)

Without knowing the country of his orgin it's really hard to say. There is the possiblility that his country is one who believes in no sex prior to marriage. (Some countries still stone people to death for that as well as behead them). Maybe when he comes here, he feels at ease and doesn't have to worry about those things. Like I said it's hard to say for sure.

As for you feeling unattractive and unappealing, honey, I promise you, I know EXACTLY how you feel. All I can tell you there is that if he was getting erections, it was because you were giving it to him. Does he still live with his parents by any chance? That could be a reason as well. It's hard to unleash the beast with mom, dad, grandma, and/or grandma around.

Ask yourself this one question though. I am concerned because you show some signs of discontentment over the three month separation that seems to be ongoing. Is there ever gonna come a day when those separations will be permanently over? If so, how much are you willing to sacrafice between now and then as far as your own personal needs, wants and desires go? And if not, then I suggest you think seriously about finding someone or something that could better meet your needs.

[Tyger]

Wow. I don't blame you for being upset by this. It is something that really needs to be addressed with your BF. If after 3 mos, he doesn't want to make love to you, this is definitely a cause for concern. I'm assuming he's young and in good health? Not on any medications that may cause him to have ED (erectile dysfunction)?

There could be many reasons why this is happening, some normal, and some that will give you cause for concern:

~He felt too pressured to have sex, and worried about disappointing you.

~He is taking some sort of drug(s) that make erections more difficult.

~He was sick.

~He is having sex with someone else.

~He is no longer sexually attracted to you.

~He is under a lot of stress.

There are others, but I don't want to throw too many speculations in the bowl there. Of course, we on the board have no way of knowing what is his issues. And, unless you come right out and ask him, I fear that this will continue until something happens. There is NOTHING wrong with coming out and asking him this. If y'all are together, and have had sex with each other before, then there's no reason for you NOT to ask him what his deal is.

Simply ask him "Why wouldn't you make love to me when we were last together?" Don't bombard him with other questions or speculations. Just come out and ask him this. Sometimes, the answer "I don't know" is an honest and acceptable response, but I don't think that this is one of those times to accept that answer. 3 months IS a long time, and there is a reason, and only he knows it, and it's not fair of him to not give you some sort of reason as to WHY he didn't treat you with more love and affection.

I'm sure that this has affected your self-esteem. However, please know that you are NOT unattractive. He was attracted to you for a reason, as were/are other men. And, from what I've read from a couple of other posts, you sound like an intelligent young lady, who writes very well, and, to me, you sound very smart. That's also very attractive.

I wish you the courage to ask him and to stand up for yourself to get some well-deserved answers. Best wishes!

[mmmmcandi]

*In response to Desires04:

He lives in Europe and has his own apartment. I'm hoping that the toy I just ordered from TT will help ease my 'pains'. I'll be 22 soon but until I'm 24, I'll just have to keep bouncing back and forth. He's everything and more (minus no sex), and I love him so much.

I've had prior "relationships" that were nothing but sex. Althought it was fun, I wish I could trade all of that to be with him for longer than 3 months at a time.

I think how we are with each other is so good and I miss him soooo much right now.

I'd like to believe that sex doesn't make the relationship and it hasn't been the main thing in our life as a couple before, but it's not very nice to go from having sex a few times a month to nothing at all.

*In response to Tyger:

I think I might've pressured him into sex. For a while, anytime a kiss lingered too long and I got a tingle, I'd "push" (for lack of another word) for sex. I had asked him and the response was always, "I don't know." I did ask if it was me and he said no. It's just hard to believe, you know?

He doesn't take drugs; he won't even take an asprin for a headache. He certainly wasn't having sex with someone else because we lived together and he didn't have a job for the 3 months I was there.

I'm replying to this because maybe there's something you see that I don't. I just wish I could put my mind at ease, but my mind can't stop thinking about it. Any information ya'll can think of that might be missing? This is most certainly a case I'd like to have shut.

Thank you guys!

[Desires08]

Good point about sex not being the main ingredient in a relationship. It's refreshing to hear someone say that. (If you knew my life you would totally understand lol). He lives in Europe so I doubt that he has any of the customs that I mentioned to deal with. I do agree with Tyger in that you should just come out and ask him because you need really really great communication skills in a long distance relationship. Did you not have sex at all when you were there? or was it simply not as much as you had expected? I wouldn't jump to conclusions on the affair thing. That's always our first thought when someone refuses sex. I know how you feel about putting the issue to rest and feeling some peace with the situation. Is there any other info you can think of or any unusual behaviors that you saw?

[mmmmcandi]

He is 4 years older than me and he doesn't adhere to any kind of customs either.

He came to the US and we actually stayed with my parents for a few days before starting our trip. In my house is the one place I didn't think we'd ever have sex, but we did. Almost every day, actually. Then once our trip started and we were driving around the country, we didn't have sex every day, but a few times a week or so. Once we were back at his apartment, he would/could get aroused (I'm assuming by me) but he wouldn't follow through with anything. He never told me anything more than "I don't know why, but I don't want to (have sex)." I even asked him if he could just assist me in pleasing myself, but I got nothing from him.

It just really (for lack of better words) sucked that he could walk around with an erection and not want to enjoy putting it to 'rest'. As a woman, there aren't many ways for someone to tell if you're aroused, but I was always and every little thing made me want it and even more so because I wasn't getting anything at all.

I've asked, he's said the same thing. I'd cry a bit and tell him that it made me feel like it was my fault and then we'd sweep it out the door, never to be spoken again until then next time I was aroused outta my mind and tried to go further with him.

He likes to touch my breasts, randomly. We could be sitting on the couch, curled up around each other and he'll reach out and squeeze my boob. Sometimes I really start enjoying it and before I know it, he's poking me in the back but it doesn't go further than that. That's about the time when I get sad and ask why not. Then he says the same darn thing and no matter what he says, I still believe it's me. We don't talk for a bit but then it's forgotten.

[Desires08]

So here is what I would do. Since he seems to enjoy teasing you but not actually participating in the pleasing...I would say the playground is closed if you catch my drift. Tease him. Get him hard. And back off. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, he would be more willing to give if he felt it were harder to get. So in a word, play hard to get lol....okay a couple of words. Whatever you do, don't let this take a toll on your self esteem. As hard as it may be, act like you don't want it. Try not to talk about it. Totally avoid it. If after that you see you're not getting any reaction then I would definately be concerned. Another thing I was thinking about is this. While the two of you were apart, how were things? Did you have any jealousies, disagreements, etc...that could have contributed to the situation. I wouldn't say it was one thing. It could have been a couple of little things. Wish I could give you some magic words to make it better but the only thing I have to offer you is time....because only time will tell the tale. However, if you ever need to talk feel free to PM me or post as you have done here. I'm always glad to listen.

[chloegirl]

As everyone has said, you definitely need to have this out with him communication-wise and see where that goes but ..... I hate to bring you down but seeing this from way down the road years-wise, I don't think this bodes well for a very fulfilling sex life between you two. If you have ruled out medical, religious, or social reasons for his lack of interest then it is just him. At first you can make excuses and say he is being a "gentleman" or shy or inexperienced or whatever, but basically at this stage of your relationship if he is not showing you that he is "gotta have you now and often, hot for you" I'm afraid he may have issues that will prevent him from ever being a really giving, lust inspiring lover to you and down the road you will kick yourself for settling for that. I know that if you feel you love him now you think that with enough time and patience you can change him and be rewarded for your loyalty with a happy ever after ending, but from what I've seen it rarely ever happens that way.....there may always be a discrepancy in your sexual chemistry together and as the years go by even though you will learn to live with it, it will still be there under the surface and there will be many times that the frustration of it will eat you up. Why settle for that? You are still young and have no complicating obligations with him yet that will cloud your judgement making you feel compelled to stay. I'd say give it a try, but if the situation doesn't change soon to your SATISFACTION, then move on.....there will be someone out there that CAN completely give you what you need and you are still young enough to find it. Good luck.....you deserve to be happy!

[Amylynn920]

I can see where it would make you feel unattractive and frustrate you alot. I would not let yourself to be frustrated by him. When he starts all that play and won't take it further, but wants to play tell him NO. Tell him it frustrates you. And yeah toys are a great way to ease your frustration. Good luck.

[TonboMidori]

The issue could be as simple as this: He doesn't know what he wants yet. You mention that you are 21(roughly) and he is 4 years older (making him 25, I'm guessing). Not that I'm that much older, but I do remember those are hard ages to be. He may be trying to figure things out about himself, you and the possibility of your life together. Pressure from life itself can mess with your sex drive. You mention he didn't have a job for the 3 months you were visiting. Does he have seasonal work? Did he quit/get fired from a job? Was he worried about impressing you since you were in his territory, so to speak? These probably aren't things he would tell you would be worried about.

I know it's hard, but you also might want to keep from pressuring him about sex. I may sound odd to some people, but just because a guy has an erection does not always mean he wants sex. Quite frankly, if you pounce on him the second you see Mr. Happy wake up, it could be a bit intimidating for him. Honestly, think about it the other way around. If he jumped on you every time he saw that your nipples got hard (which, as we know, can be influenced by tons of different things) and kept pushing for sex, wouldn't you shut down a bit?

I agree with the other posters that communication is key. If you don't have communication, you really have nothing. You might want to ask him about these things, and let him know that if he feels he can't put them into words, you'll wait awhile until he can (depending on how long you're willing to wait). Hope things work out for you guys

[whiskeywoman]

I understand why you would feel frustrated.

Now I will give you my take on things.

You said you had sex almost every single day for a while.

Perhaps he is trying to concentrate on the mental and emotional aspect of the relationship.

Men are very odd creatures. (no offfense guys)

I have known men who will jump nto a relationship before they are ready.

Meaning that they will jump into the physical aspect of it ans not really stop to think of the mental or emotional aspect of things.

Now, you said your man is young, healthy and was still getting erections, but would not act upon them.

It sounds like he could have been too tired, or perhaps he was just enjoying being around you too much to act upon them.

Perhaps he is discovering the emotional aspect of your relationship and wanted to find out if sex was the main factor in it.

I mean 6 months is a bit of time before you have sex again, but by then perhaps he can work out in his own mind what is going on.

There are a million and one maybes and only 1 answer, the one in his head, and sadly enough, he will not tell it till he is ready.

Hang tough girl, things will work out one way or another.

[mmmmcandi]

I want to thank each and every one of ya'll!

whiskeywoman said: "There are a million and one maybes and only 1 answer, the one in his head, and sadly enough, he will not tell it till he is ready."

That's the truth, so until then. . . I'll hope for the best.

Thanks again