Moral Question: Drunken Hubby

[PanickedVanity]

My husband is going out with some friends in another band tonight, and I know he's going to come home pretty drunk, and when he gets drunk he almost invariably gets horny.

He normally refuses to even touch anything in my "toy box" but I was thinking I have a small ring vibe with a cute little pink bunny sleeve that I think he'll just love being teased with. Would it be ok to use it on him while his inhibitions are lowered just to see if he likes it? Or would that be like sleeping with a passed out chick?

[PanickedVanity]

In my humble opinion, having sex with him while he is drunk is not even o.k.

*nod* I would agree with you, however if I say no he starts whining a lot, and I know from experience he's ok with it the morning after. As with most couples I think, we've had mutually drunken escapades, and I would never "take advantage of his state" however, I can't really say it's wrong if he initiates (He's usually fairly rational when drunk, just a little more open to trying new things)

[PanickedVanity]

You asked if it was 'moral'. Even if he says 'yes' and is up and ready, his intoxication is altering his judgment. If he wants to get off, tell him to masturbate. If the situation were reversed, most folks would say that a sober guy havng sex with a drunken female is immoral; so why is any different the other way 'round?

Having sex while intoxicated, on a regular basis, in some circles, is an indicator of problems in the relationship, or at least a problem with substances. At the very least, it is a very bad habit. As I understand it, your lover continues to go through some identity issues. Substance use can turn to abuse very quickly in those kinds of situations.

I know, don't worry though. We don't have them terribly often, as neither of us drinks often at all (About once a month at most) and we never keep liquor in the house.

I do agree that in most cases a sober person having sexual relations with a drunken one is not a moral thing, however I do think that there are a few factors that can make a difference in this case, if one has the consent of the drunken person prior to their intoxication it tends to make a difference (In other words, if we mentioned a shared desire to have sex this evening earlier today), and if the parties involved are in a relationship already, and the level of intoxication is one that does not truly impair judgement (I don't think two glasses of wine over the space of a few hours makes one terribly susceptible to bad judgement, and yes two glasses of wine is our idea of pretty drunk, as stated we're not drinkers)

However, I wasn't asking about the morality of having relations, I was asking about the morality of trying out a toy, not when I know he won't say no, or say he dislikes it, but when he won't unquestionably refuse to try it.

[pappyld04]

I'm sure a lot of people have picked up a not so sober companion at least once. You two are a couple already so I don't see a major dilemna here. Unless he's just outright blitzed. Many people drink that much wine with their meals then drive home from the restaurant. However it is somewhat deceptive. I saw a girl on one of the court tv shows that was suing her husband for the money to get a boob job. She was giving him head until he was just about to cum and told him that she wouldn't finish until he promised to buy her some tits. I know it's not the same overall but it was deceptive and in one way may have been a smart way to get it. (She lost BTW). From what you described he won't be all that drunk so you will have to decide whether to try this or not. Sorry I know this doesn't help!

[synirr]

I don't think there's any harm in trying new things, even if sometimes it takes a little alcohol to get you loosened up enough to try them... as long as it's not something he'd get upset with you over while he is sober, I say go for it. If he WOULD be angry about it though, perhaps it'd be best to stick to trying to convince him when he has all his mental faculties intact

[SadPuppy]

Sex between drunk spouses isn't a problem, at least in my mind, since you're not really taking advantage. But if you're sober and try something that you normally wouldn't do when he's sober too, that may be different. You're the best judge for your particular relationship.

Regarding his reaction, drunkedness introduces many uncertainties as to how people react to things. If he normally stays away from your toys, it may be that he'll giggle and try it if he's drunk, or he may get extremely pissed off, freaked, etc. Lots of alcohol tends to amplify emotions, both good and bad. If you're uncertain how he'll react, then you might be "rolling the dice". Again, you probably know best - go with what your guts tell you.

SP

[cmwise1]

You asked if it was 'moral'. Even if he says 'yes' and is up and ready, his intoxication is altering his judgment. If he wants to get off, tell him to masturbate. If the situation were reversed, most folks would say that a sober guy havng sex with a drunken female is immoral; so why is any different the other way 'round?

I agree totally. He should be awake and alert and interested.

We used to say in the medical field: Alert X 3...oriented to person, place, and time.

[ladylove]

Drunk sex is usually sloppy (not in a good way) and not so great, decide what good for you....

[Amylynn920]

I don't like anything when someone is that drunk. It's just not an emotionally connecting time. My first marriage was to a raving drunk, not your situation of course. The sex was there but it sucked. It was unfullfilling, and he reeked of booze.

You have to do what's right for you, but remember even if he is drunk, that his thoughts are still there, usually amplified.

My grandmother was so right, the truth comes out when you're angry or when you're drunk. Now in hindsight I understand it's because inhibitions are lowered.

[nosleepnmesa]

I honestly believe that if he is drunk, it is not "moral" to introduce anything new to the bedroom. First off, introducing toys to your playtime is something that should be discussed in detail and work out between the both of you. Taking advantge of his drunkenness to see if he would enjoy a toy is in my opinion why out of line.

I am not trying to sound harsh or crude, this of course is just my opinion. Now as you stated when he comes home drunk he is all horny and you all have has sex when he is like, that is another issue all by itself, and has you stated he was fine with the morning after. To introduce something new, a toy, and when he is sober he wont touch your toy box, "the morning after" may be a problem.

Good luck just my 2cents worth

[chloegirl]

My husband drank for years (though you never saw him "drunk") and the sex sucked! Thank god those days are over.....doesn't do it anymore!

[PanickedVanity]

*nod* I'm so glad he isn't a drinker, that was one of the things we liked about one another. Neither of us really likes using any substances which is a rarity in the rock scene

[square]

You asked if it was 'moral'. Even if he says 'yes' and is up and ready, his intoxication is altering his judgment. If he wants to get off, tell him to masturbate. If the situation were reversed, most folks would say that a sober guy havng sex with a drunken female is immoral; so why is any different the other way 'round?

Every one and every situation is at least a little different. Generally, I would agree that if a fellow dates a gal a couple of times, then gets her bombed and has his way with her, sure, he's a bum. But if the two of you are already married and getting along fine, I can't see a big deal with what you suggest. I certainly do not equate it with "sleeping with a passed out chick."

If you suggested to my wife that it was wrong for me to take advangage of her drunken horniness, she'd furrow up her brow and squint a bit, and say "Why?" (I just asked her and that's what she did.) (And neither of us drinks much, so alcoholism is not a factor in this case.)

Alcohol may make the arm twisting easier, but unless the guy is really plowed, it's not gonna make him do something he would be totally against if he was sober.

[Tyger]

Every one and every situation is at least a little different. Generally, I would agree that if a fellow dates a gal a couple of times, then gets her bombed and has his way with her, sure, he's a bum. But if the two of you are already married and getting along fine, I can't see a big deal with what you suggest. I certainly do not equate it with "sleeping with a passed out chick."

If you suggested to my wife that it was wrong for me to take advangage of her drunken horminess, she'd furrow up her brow and squint a bit, and say "Why?" (I just asked her and that's what she did.) (And neither of us drinks much, so alcoholism is not a factor in this case.)

Alcohol may make the arm twisting easier, but unless the guy is really plowed, it's not gonna make him do something he would be totally against if he was sober.

I may get flamed for this, but I agree with this poster's response. It's not like you're in a new relationship. Your hubby expressed a desire to have sex with you when he got home, and you know that if he's so drunk that he's going to pass out, then it won't happen. It's not like you're roommates, or trying to get him drunk so he WILL sleep with you. Most everyone's had sex with their SO's while drunk.

Your original question was if you should try something new when he's drunk because he'll be more receptive. This would depend on the amount of "difference" there would be. It's not like you're trying to introduce something as dramatic as going from regular sex to anal sex. This is a cock ring. Though, if he's expressed an absolute NO into trying it before, then I wouldn't do it. If he's said HELL NO, and you do it anyway, then that would be a form of trust violation. But, if he hasn't really said either way, and you know that he's more receptive, well, I don't see this as a huge deal. Especially if you both know that when he drinks, he's more receptive to stuff, and he's probably aware that you do the "try a new thing" when he has been drinking.

I also agree with iha in that, your husband may have a bit more of a gender issue than you may realize, and that this is stuff you should consider. Because if he's as confused as the culmination of your posts suggest, also adding trust issues may be something you don't want to do. Only you know how he's going to react after he sobers up.

[PanickedVanity]

The thing is he identifies as a very feminine male, but he often regrets that he wasn't simply female, because his life would be easier that way