Too Dominant.....

[EmineNce]

G'day Folks, I am having a few issues in my sex life.

My partner enjoys "rough" sex, with the hair pulling, biting etc.

Before we became a couple she explained to me how she liked to be dominated but she has under estimated her ability to endure.

My partner and my partners before her, all express to me that I am "too Dominative"

I'm not a small bloke that finds being a force in the bedroom a chore, I serve as an infantry soldier and I do bodybuilding as a hobby... So power is something I very rarely go without.

My problem is, many girls find it too off putting that I take almost full control in the bedroom.

I try to become submissive to my partner but become easily frustrated when things are not done my way..

I always have high levels of energy which allow me to go completely out of control during sex and as previous partners have said to me, I can be an intimidating force in the bedroom during sex.

I understand that I will need to change before things become an issue outside of the bedroom as well.

Please help

Jez

[Mikayla1]

Good day Jez,

Well, many women THINK that they want to be submissive, but when truly faced with a really Dominant force, they do not like it. Most women say they want to be submissive, and they mean more like, 'hold me down a bit, tell me what to do' - which is not really true submissiveness.

So, you have a few choices here. Either find a woman who REALLY understands the role of a sub, and then you can have your complete control OR try to give a take a bit in the relationship. If you really care for a woman, and she is not into the DOM/sub thing, then try to change your thinking to one of equal pleasure. If you find that this is impossible, then you may want to consider only dating persons in the lifestyle.

Also, as you have pointed out, you are seemingly 'out of control' in the bedroom, which is directly out of porportion with a true DOM, a true dominant force is always IN control, and doesn't let is sexual desires to get out of whack. In that light, I may consider suggesting some counseling. As I would not want this side of you to emerge in a bad or dangerous way.

[cmwise1]

Many women like a man who is somewhat dominant but also gentle. if you get out of control she may not trust you to be gentle with her when she needs you to be. If your fiance wants to take control, how does that make you feel? Are you uncomfortable or angry? If you get angry, then I suggest counseling, too, to deal with anger issues. Sex is a mutual activity, even for BDSM. (According to Mikayla's excellent article!)

[EmineNce]

I thank you both for taking the time to respond to my thread here..

My expression "Out Of Control" I used in reference to my constant need to be in charge in the bedroom

I feel if I do not do it, It is not done right.

I like to be dominant and in control, but I do like to be kept in a modest line.

my only problem is understanding what the line may be.

The idea of BDSM always came off as discouraging however, I'm keen on the last 2 not the first 2 haha.

In my experiences in the bedroom I have figured that I like things to run a certain way, My issue is many find that way too confronting or too full on.

That is basically my issue here..

Im a control freak in the bedroom and need to know the best way to break that mentality.

Regards

Jez

[Blush]

Are you pretty controlling outside the bedroom as well?

Have you ever tried to let your girl plan an evening? Let her do whatever she wants to and for you... Could be fun!

I might tie you up first though so you couldn't control anything.....

[pappyld04]

Just an observation but this is not the typical steroid body. This is the body of a fellow infantryman! We do know how to take control not only in the bedroom but in the world itself! Infantry always leads the way!

[sun_flower969]

OK here's my .02. I think you should ask your girl what she likes when you are being sexually intimate. If she is open with you, keeping those things in mind you could try to please her and still be in control. Knowing that it is you who is controlling her pleasure because you know what she likes and watching her enjoying it would probably be completely arousing for you and you would still be in control. My husband said to me one time he didn't like me to be on top because he likes to be the one in control. FINE with me I said! It turned me on! Sometimes an aggressive woman can feel like a threat to some mens masculinity. Although he doesn't freak out if I am on top I just know that it isn't his favorite. I think you need to give more details about what exactly you are doing/feeling here so that no one gets the wrong idea if you know what I mean.

[EmineNce]

Alright, first off, Thank you all for expressing your opinions on my matter.

I enjoy a general total dominance in the bedroom. I like it my way, just a natural method of control.

My partner has generally learned to accept many of my dominating ways in the bedroom, From all sorts of sexual activities.

keep in mind, I will never take it the level of unwanted sex.

No does Mean No and I understand that.

However sometimes I do get a bit impatient and frustrated when my partner cannot keep up with my energy levels and needs lol.

Either way, I do not cross that line some of you think I may cross, I just get told off for being too controlling in the bedroom and not submissive enough.

[thurisas]

My only comment is that sex is certainly not only about your needs and your desires. When you throw another person into any situation you have to take their needs and desires into consideration or you won't get as much buy-in from your partner to be doing what you want. Its all about compromise and if it is always your way and nothing else I should think that eventually that you'll find yourself with an infrequent sex life. Listen to your partner and watch for whatever ques they are giving out. An attentive lover, even if high energy and a little bit unbridled, is a great lover.

Randy.

[synirr]

I agree with what has been said. A dear friend of mine is very controlling and dominating in the bedroom... he has a legitimate fetish, and finds it difficult to climax if he is not in a position of control. Often times blood is drawn, tears are shed, etc etc... BUT! And this is the important part... BUT, his GF is into that and he would never, ever do anything she didn't want him to and is, outside of this rough sexual activity, the biggest sweetheart you could ever meet. He adores that girl... he is patient with her, and doesn't get frustrated if there's something she won't do. He is what a true DOM should be.

Yes he's rough, yes he's dominant, but even despite this he cares about her needs and wants above his own. It makes a major difference.

[Amylynn920]

Sex is a two way street, and it's nice to let someone else drive for awhile KWIM? I think it's great you take control. More partners should. But as already suggested, keep it open to both sides, she may want to lead the way too once in awhile.

[calvin]

Hi Jez,

just my two cents, but here's my suggestions:

1. Talk to your gf about what you have talked about on this forum, it'll really help everything if you are both on the same page. Try opening with something like "i know sometimes i can be a bit too controlling ...." and tell her that you are aware of the problem and that you want to do something about it, for both of you.

2. Try blush's idea - for fun, one evening give HER control of what is going on. If you and she are both up for it then tying you up would probably really make it clear who was in control - you wouldnt be able to take control away from her so you'll just have to lie there and take what she gives. It might be an interesting experience for you both that you could talk about later. It might also help you see that sometimes you can enjoy sex without being in control all the time. Even if you go back to your normal routine next time, at least you will have tried something new and probably learned from it.

Hope that is of some use

calvin

[cmwise1]

Jez, I am glad you clarified that you don't take the dominance too far...I was worried about that earlier. If you love your fiance, and I am sure you do, you will have to be a bit more gentle, it sounds like. But some of the ideas expressed here are excellent. Why not try it the other way? It feels "not manly" to some men to be tied, but many men enjoy the feeling of just being the receiver instead of the giver. Many women enjoy being the giver only as well. Try something new...you are young and have your whole lifetime of sexual experiences ahead of you. You are lucky!!