Ok, That Went Well...

[schlingel]

inviting her to this site was the kiss of death. i'm now cheating on her and gossiping behind her back. ouch! since she was reluctant to come to the site, i did a couple cut/paste jobs during our friday chat...and got the silent treatment until yesterday.

she's hurt, sad and confused. so before this gets too one-sided, let me set the record straight on some key points, as she calls them:

1. the five year reference was only an estimate on my part as to the first time she ever criticized my, um, condition. i didn't mean constantly for the past 5 years

2. she says she was only doing it to be hurtful because we were arguing. she also says she only said it because i had told her secretly before that i had feared her lack of sex drive was my fault, my size. so, having confided that insecurity in her, well, what better weapon to use later. also keep in mind, from the point it began, it was NOT only during arguments she would make the snide comments. there were plenty of instances during foreplay and playful banter; she would use the peanut reference.

3. she does say now that she is sorry, she has embarked on a new campaign of excess flattery, so much so it's almost sarcasm. i'm getting compliments from her now that would make peter north jealous. this again, puts the spotlight on a supposedly obvious non-issue.

#2 is key because of my need to understand her “change” in attitude towards sex. let me say this, there was nothing missing in her sex drive when we met (she was married at this point 5 years - probably TO peter north!) and even after we were first married. but soon it became clear to me that something was missing. thus, i began a quest that has led me here - from porn, to toys, to offers of letting her explore her sexuality with anyone, anything she desired. in my mind it was a genuine desire to understand the calamity of our sex life, to her a sick obsession. eventually, she would win and i would end up posting my findings to forums like this – “gossiping” with you all.

i also want to mention a few factors, while somewhat personal, might shed some light on this situation. i want it known that we are both successful, career oriented people. i have a phd in mechanical engineering and she has her mba in marketing. we have traveled extensively and are generally happy and friendly - to include our children. we aren’t some back-woods couple fighting over the remote day-in day-out. now having said that, the bedroom is the only exception. i've spent 20 years analyzing problems and formulating solutions, but this is one riddle i can't solve.

the lesson learned, guys (and gals i suppose): be real careful when you get into a relationship and really open yourself to your SO to those personal demons - areas that are better left private. had i never speculated on an issue, which as i’ve been told is not my business in the first place, she never would have had such devastating ammunition.

signing off, and thanks for all the advice,

eddy

[cmwise1]

Eddy..my best to you. I hope some salvage can be made of all this. Please don't give up. Time changes everything.

[angelkisses98]

eddy,

i am sorry for the way things are working out for you right now....if you feel its best to leave, then we will understand...take care of yourself..and please drop by from time to time and let us know how you are doing...

[cybele]

Eddy,

Sorry to hear that it didn't go well. I hate to add fuel to the fire right now, but opening yourself up is one of the beautiful benefits of being in a solid loving relationship. It should have never been used as ammunition. My best to you both. -cyb

[whiskeywoman]

inviting her to this site was the kiss of death. i'm now cheating on her and gossiping behind her back. ouch! since she was reluctant to come to the site, i did a couple cut/paste jobs during our friday chat...and got the silent treatment until yesterday.

First off, at least you offered her to come on the site and allow her to see that we are not all freaks and pervs.

That we are all real people who enjoy a normal healthy sex life.

Then again, not all of us are "Normal."

she's hurt, sad and confused. so before this gets too one-sided, let me set the record straight on some key points, as she calls them:

1. the five year reference was only an estimate on my part as to the first time she ever criticized my, um, condition. i didn't mean constantly for the past 5 years

2. she says she was only doing it to be hurtful because we were arguing. she also says she only said it because i had told her secretly before that i had feared her lack of sex drive was my fault, my size. so, having confided that insecurity in her, well, what better weapon to use later. also keep in mind, from the point it began, it was NOT only during arguments she would make the snide comments. there were plenty of instances during foreplay and playful banter; she would use the peanut reference.

As I stated earlier, name calling should never EVER enter into an argument, this only leads to further problems down the road

3. she does say now that she is sorry, she has embarked on a new campaign of excess flattery, so much so it's almost sarcasm. i'm getting compliments from her now that would make peter north jealous. this again, puts the spotlight on a supposedly obvious non-issue.

It sounds to me as though to her it still is an issue, henceforth the sarchastic flattery.

#2 is key because of my need to understand her “change” in attitude towards sex. let me say this, there was nothing missing in her sex drive when we met (she was married at this point 5 years - probably TO peter north!) and even after we were first married. but soon it became clear to me that something was missing. thus, i began a quest that has led me here - from porn, to toys, to offers of letting her explore her sexuality with anyone, anything she desired. in my mind it was a genuine desire to understand the calamity of our sex life, to her a sick obsession. eventually, she would win and i would end up posting my findings to forums like this – “gossiping” with you all.

There is NOTHING WRONG with wanting to enjoy a healthy satisfying sex life.

Sometimes we all get into a rut as far as our sex lives go.

The only way to get out of the rut is to find new things to try and do.

And ther eis NOTHING WRONG with asking for others opinions either!

You are not cheating, or gossiping behind your wifes back, you were simply seeking out new and exciting ways to make your sex life better!!

i also want to mention a few factors, while somewhat personal, might shed some light on this situation. i want it known that we are both successful, career oriented people. i have a phd in mechanical engineering and she has her mba in marketing. we have traveled extensively and are generally happy and friendly - to include our children. we aren’t some back-woods couple fighting over the remote day-in day-out. now having said that, the bedroom is the only exception. i've spent 20 years analyzing problems and formulating solutions, but this is one riddle i can't solve.

the lesson learned, guys (and gals i suppose): be real careful when you get into a relationship and really open yourself to your SO to those personal demons - areas that are better left private. had i never speculated on an issue, which as i’ve been told is not my business in the first place, she never would have had such devastating ammunition.

Being able to open up to your SO about what you want in the bedroom is part of having a healthy sexual realtionship, wich is just as important as having any type of healthy relationship.

You should be able tot alk to your SO about anything, work, kids, stressful situations and your sexual wants/needs.

The issue is not your buisness??

I'm sorry, any couples sexual relationship IS their buisness, and a lack of sex drive from the other person IS reason for the other to be concerned.

Sorry, guess I just don't get it.

signing off, and thanks for all the advice,

eddy

[Amylynn920]

inviting her to this site was the kiss of death. i'm now cheating on her and gossiping behind her back. ouch! since she was reluctant to come to the site, i did a couple cut/paste jobs during our friday chat...and got the silent treatment until yesterday.

she's hurt, sad and confused. so before this gets too one-sided, let me set the record straight on some key points, as she calls them:

1. the five year reference was only an estimate on my part as to the first time she ever criticized my, um, condition. i didn't mean constantly for the past 5 years

Once was bad enough but continuation of it there just is no excuse. Sorry but anything after the first mistake is just sick abusive behavior no matter what her reason.

2. she says she was only doing it to be hurtful because we were arguing. she also says she only said it because i had told her secretly before that i had feared her lack of sex drive was my fault, my size. so, having confided that insecurity in her, well, what better weapon to use later. also keep in mind, from the point it began, it was NOT only during arguments she would make the snide comments. there were plenty of instances during foreplay and playful banter; she would use the peanut reference.

So because you told her a a secret, deep fear that your size was the lack of her drive, she kindly enforced the truth with basically calling you a pencil dick and a peanut.

My that certainly shows compassion and empathy when you shared a valid concern.

3. she does say now that she is sorry, she has embarked on a new campaign of excess flattery, so much so it's almost sarcasm. i'm getting compliments from her now that would make peter north jealous. this again, puts the spotlight on a supposedly obvious non-issue.

So she is being mercifully kind. Kind of like mercy sex.

#2 is key because of my need to understand her “change” in attitude towards sex. let me say this, there was nothing missing in her sex drive when we met (she was married at this point 5 years - probably TO peter north!) and even after we were first married. but soon it became clear to me that something was missing. thus, i began a quest that has led me here - from porn, to toys, to offers of letting her explore her sexuality with anyone, anything she desired. in my mind it was a genuine desire to understand the calamity of our sex life, to her a sick obsession. eventually, she would win and i would end up posting my findings to forums like this – “gossiping” with you all.

So because you cared enough to come here and be honest to help her, you gossip. That's twisted. She is using pretzel logic.

i also want to mention a few factors, while somewhat personal, might shed some light on this situation. i want it known that we are both successful, career oriented people. i have a phd in mechanical engineering and she has her mba in marketing. we have traveled extensively and are generally happy and friendly - to include our children. we aren’t some back-woods couple fighting over the remote day-in day-out. now having said that, the bedroom is the only exception. i've spent 20 years analyzing problems and formulating solutions, but this is one riddle i can't solve.

Back woods folks have same sex issues and concerns as rocket scientists. We all share the same genitals. This has nothing to do with your education.

the lesson learned, guys (and gals i suppose): be real careful when you get into a relationship and really open yourself to your SO to those personal demons - areas that are better left private. had i never speculated on an issue, which as i’ve been told is not my business in the first place, she never would have had such devastating ammunition.

Couples in secure relationships don't use concern and betterment for ammunition. She is the one with issues here, and can't discuss them in a rational manner.

signing off, and thanks for all the advice,

eddy

Eddy, I hate to see you go, but if you choose to because of her and her hangups that's up to you. People here are a caring community. Sometimes the advice is painful. It's only detrimental when it's not taken in the concept it's given. I hope you two are able to work things out, but sounds to me like the damage is done and salt keeps getting added to the wound. I wish you the best of luck.

[toohotcatmom]

Eddy,

I'm sorry it's turned out where you feel like you have to leave, but certainly understand.

Please know we're here for you should you need to come back - and the best of luck to you.

[ToyQueen]

Eddy, I am so sorry that things are going this way. I hope that you can find a way to work things out. I also hope that you will continue to visit the board, but we understand if you feel you have to leave. Just remember that we are always here if you should decide to come back.

[Guest eminatic]

#2 is what really bothers me. you confide in a person because you TRUST them to NOT abuse the information later, and you state that she was using this information SPECIFICALLY to be hurtful. to me this is a HUGE red flag and a gross mistreatment of trust.

[Tyger]

Well, if she'd really read your questions, she would see that you were just trying to gain insight, not gossiping about how BAD she is being. She may not have liked our responses, but we were open & honest. And sometimes the truth hurts more.

I will also stress that if you are in a relationship with someone, you NEVER, EVER bring up hurtful things that you KNOW to be a sore spot for them. NEVER. She needs to grow up and learn to take responsibility for that.

And, you are right, too much complimenting sounds insincere, and sarcastic. Especially if you KNOW it to be pumped up too much.

I hope you continue to post here. If need be, just change your SN here, so she doesn't know that you're still posting, if you like it here so much.

Best wishes & good luck!