Stupid Romantic Comedies.....

[mystofpric]

Now normally i save my whining for my diary but i figured that there were people hear who could comiserate so I figured I'd sharing my thoughts. Warning: Venting in progress. Disclaimer: while the writer generally attempts to maintain a sunny disposition of her relationship status these thoughts are persistant.

So I was invited over to my best friend's house for dinner and movies with her and her hubby and their son. We ate and watched Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanimo Bay (very funny) and Definitely, Maybe (good flick). Made it through dinner with only minor bickering with her husband (can we say douchebag?). Laughed all through Harold and Kumar. Then the night took a turn for me. We put in a romcom (romantic comedy). I thought it was a great movie with a prefect ending. But it struck me as it always does when i watch these movies: I shouldn't. For those who aren't familiar with the movie a brief synopsis: William has a daughter who asks him to tell her the story of how he met and married her mother. He says no, the agrees on teh condition that she has to try and figure out who her mother is in this tale of the three great loves of his life. This is all well and good, he has first girlfriend, she dumps him, he gets second girlfriend, he dumps her, third girl is friend that he loves but realizes belatedly. Now here's where I got lost in it: he spent about 4 or 5 years single and depressed.

Why should this bother me you ask? Well as many of you have learned through teh chat it will be one year on my birthday since the last time i had sex. July 4th of this year marked my 5 year since my ex and what i shall refer to as the "inccident" and my last boyfriend. Since then i have gone on 6 dates and have almost had 1 relationship. I have hardcore crushed on three men and hooked up a handful of times. I have contracted HPV, which I have had for 2 years now and according to the studies should have beaten off by now, but as my latest test results have shown I haven't. I should have graduated college, but had to drop out. I have seen my little sister get pregnant and have started to watch my beautiful neice grow up. I have made two major geographic moves. I have had 5 jobs since then, 1 of which i truly loved and now regret giving up, though i know it was for the best.

Numberly speaking, that's my life in a nutshell. Now what does that have to do with the movie you ask? Nothing and yet everything. I saw myself in this guys shoes, outwardly he was happy with where his life was at the end, but at the same time you knew he wasn't and was very happy the movie wasn't actually over. I also know that there's no such thing as the hollywood ending.

I know that my being single is partially my fault. I don't put myself out there enough, I don't advertise what i have to offer very well. Or I meet a guy who is interested in me and because i'm so damn fickle if he doesn't immediately spark my attention he never will. If I do find a guy that i can like he doesn't want me. So where does that leave me? I have social anixety which makes me very uncomfortable in bar situtations and immediately puts me on teh defensive. So guy gives off even the least bit of creepy vibe and i'm running. Or he'll show some kind of attention and since I'm already on my guard I take offense. The only guy that I have ever met and actually liked in a bar was there to met my friend and I ended up totally trashed and hitting on him.

I set myself up for failure like that all the time. How can i ever expect to find someone when a) I spend my weekends sitting here writing til my hands cramo or I'm working. What happened to blind dates and friends setting friends up? Although that doesn't work because my friends have this image of me as uber butch and so they cant find a guy that they think would like that. That's my other problem, I'm very overwhelming. Since I was a little kid i was told to speak my mind and tell people how i honestly feel. And I do. For guys this can be a problem. I also think I'm semi-intelligent and that can be a turnoff because I have no problem putting in my two cents and sometimes i actually have some knowledge on teh subject. I read a lot and even in fiction there is a lot to be learned. I loved being in school and if i could get paid to just sit and listen to lectures all day I would.

I guess I also turn people off with my passions. I have things that I love; learning, theatre, reading, writing, you guys, all kinds of things and I need to find someone who can, if not share those passions, accept them. I don't want to be put down because i'd rather curl up witha book than go chug an overpriced beer at the bar. My older sister would get mad at me and tell me i need to see a shrink because I don't enjoy bars. I know why i can't enjoy them so rather than stress myself out I do what I enjoy. I don't want to eb ridiculed for that.

So, is it me? Do I have such impossibly high standards that I'm condeming myself to losing the relationship race before I start? Or is just because i'm not out there enough. Or is it simply just not my time? which if its that then that is a lame ass answer and a cop out. My entire life I have been told that i'll find what i'm looking or when i least expect it, but if i've given up hope isn't that when i least expect it? And what if I don't want the rest of my life right now, just a couple of months or so? Do i still have to not expect that? I seriously once went to a pyshic (2 years ago on my birthday) and I asked if I would find love and happiness and you know what she told me? Yeah but I have to wait. What kind of answer is that? I could spend my whole life waiting and only find it at the very end. Is a life spent waiting for love a life wasted?

I need a dog, a dog of my own and not mom's.

[pappyld04]

It looks like your friend may have shown you that a life partner isn't always a good thing. There are always those personal quirks that are hard to ignore or change. Speaking your mind is intimidating to some people, but I wouldn't call that a bad thing. I've seen a lot of people who cannot handle criticism but they are mostly two-faced anyway, so no big loss by eliminating them immediately if not sooner! Most guys in bars aren't looking for relationships longer than a few hours or a 2:30am booty call when they've struck out everywhere else.

Personally I try not to set my friends up. When you know both of them well you already see where it's headed and they both end up mad at you. I did try to set up the girl that bought my river house with a friend but she wasn't interested. The boy she was with was not doing one thing to help her out, but he would leave his daughter with her to drive to Texas and help his x-wife work on her house. She finally got fed up with him not paying any bills or doing any work on either of her houses so she 86ed him.

If you feel you are wasting your life then you can figure out how to change that, but don't let others decide that for you. Anything is better than a worthless relationship so take your time and don't rush into anything. Having high standards may limit your options but you know which of those are a bit flexible. You probably won't find everything you want in a partner but you can find one that is worth the trade-off.

[cmwise1]

Suzy P, your life sounds remarkably like mine, although we are 25 years apart!! I just keep telling myself that Prince Charming is not going to come to my door and that i have to put myself out more. There is a big risk to doing that...rejection, which i can probably take, and finding someone..which is scarier than hell!! The only thing i can tell you is to put yourself out there, but be yourself. You will attract the person who is interested in you and not a persona you wear. We all sabotage ourselves at some time in our life and hindsight is 20-20, so don't look back, look forward. But learn from those experiences what you can so they are not repeated. Good luck to you. I know this sounds like the SOS you hear every day, but it's the SOS because it's true.

[mystofpric]

Suzy P, your life sounds remarkably like mine, although we are 25 years apart!! I just keep telling myself that Prince Charming is not going to come to my door and that i have to put myself out more. There is a big risk to doing that...rejection, which i can probably take, and finding someone..which is scarier than hell!! The only thing i can tell you is to put yourself out there, but be yourself. You will attract the person who is interested in you and not a persona you wear. We all sabotage ourselves at some time in our life and hindsight is 20-20, so don't look back, look forward. But learn from those experiences what you can so they are not repeated. Good luck to you. I know this sounds like the SOS you hear every day, but it's the SOS because it's true.

Thanks love. I think i really just need to avoid this ridiculous movies, cause other wise i'm generally not in a bad place about. I keep telling myself that i must still have growing or something to do before i find what i'm looking for. That and I want to get things like finances and back to school going before i settle down in any way. But it'd still be nice to have a here and now ya know?

Oh and Pappy, my friend hasn't shown me anything that my mother hasn't already, after 4 failed marriages and a smattering of men in between I definitely have some reservations about long term relationships, but at the same time i know very much that i need that kind of sercurity and comfort.

[vanilla_bean]

It's so great that you have passions and that you know what they are. Indulge yourself in them. Very likely, down the road, you will have less time to do things just for yourself and you will look back fondly on the times when you could. Avoid thinking of this as filler time until you meet someone. You are a whole person (and quite a fabulous one at that) and this is your life. Do what you want to do without looking over your shoulder to see if anyone is noticing.

Don't compromise on anyone who doesn't think being smart or having opinions are qualities you should have.

I love what Pappy said : " If you feel you are wasting your life then you can figure out how to change that, but don't let others decide that for you" and I agree with him about meeting people in bars. Go to socialize with your friends or to have fun, but not for romance.

Pinky is right too. Look ahead and not back. And give yourself a break.

And you know I have to say it: Get your sweet little ass back to school!

[Tyger]

Hon, don't get discouraged. It's only been a year. That means that you have standards. So that's a GOOD thing! You're only 22, and though it seems like a long time, it really isn't. Just think, you've probably avoided a lot of drama and heartache by ignoring the guys that just don't spark an interest. I will say that, when I first met my now hubby, we didn't have a spark either. He kinda grew on me....like fungus!! LMAO

Pappy's right. Don't let others try and change you if you don't want too. There is NOTHING wrong with not liking bars. I use to not like them, then I did, now I don't again. Mostly because I'm allergic to cigarette smoke, but, I agree. The drinks are overpriced, and they're usually stuffy. Plus, the majority of people aren't looking to find their life partner there anyway. Sometimes it works out that way (that's where I met my DH), but mostly, it's just for hook ups, girls/boys nights out, and a little fun.

Youve said you don't put yourself out there, and that's good that you recognize it, but it's up to YOU to change it, however way you feel most comfortable in doing so. Yes, a good match usually sneaks up on you when you least expect it, but, as you've said, you have to put yourself ou there a little bit to get anything to happen. finding happiness requires some risk taking. I wish you much luck & best wishes in this!

[mystofpric]

Thanks gals (and Pappy of course). I was just feeling a little down on myselfand my single status. But then i went and got a hair cut and bought some cut new shirts for the girls. I need to figure out ways to get myself out there to guys with similar interests. There was a bar that I LOVED call Geoffery's it's an english style pub and it was a great place to go and unwind after a show: quiet, reasonably priced, my friends all loved it, great vibe in general. Then the college kids found it and invaded. I know,VBeany is fuming that I just said that (wink) but ya have to admit rowdy college kids who don't give a damn cause this isn't their home is not what you want to be surrounded by, especially drunk. Plus I live 1/2 an hour away. That's my biggest problem, the places I would normally think to meet people, like teh bookstore cause I could live there (bought three more so now I have 5 waiting to be read, plus i need to seriously get some of my book typed up so I can share) are just so damn far away and wth gas prices seemingly dropping only 4.19 now!) the way they are I just can't afford to make that drive a couple times a week, tack in my damned work schedule 6am-6:30pm mon-thur and 6-3:30 fridays I'm kinda straight out right now for work, leaving me wanting to do nothing but veg all weekend. Ugh a vicious cycle. LOL Maybe i should try and join a gym..... Any ideas on where to meet some peeps would be AWESOME. Sadly, Pappy and Iha are taken. Well I guess it's time for that move to maine......

[pappyld04]

And you know I have to say it: Get your sweet little ass back to school!

I'm with you on that VB!

[sass]

SusyP,

I could have written this very post and have actually thought doing just that! I, like Pinky, may be a little older than you but still have a lot of the same feelings. 99% of the time I love being single - no one to "answer to", do what I want when I want, etc. As has been posted before, I have a FWB that usually can take care of my physical needs. However, I am starting to think I need more. I don't know yet if I can get it with him or not and, while I know I need to talk with about it, I have put it off because I am afraid of the answer - either way!

And there are times I get really down, like seeing that perectly happy couple at the store, happily-ever-after movies, etc. But I also have high standards and will not compromise. I have done that in the past and it didn't work. As much as I may have wanted to try to be someone else, to make the relationship work, I just always came back to being me. Make sense?

I don't know what the answer is, I just know you are not alone. At the core of who we are, we all need love, even if we don't want to confess to that. It almost makes it seem like we are admitting defeat or something, to admit to needing to love and be loved, but we are human afterall. Good luck, dear, and if you figure out the answer, please share!

[mystofpric]

Well i won't say i love being single, that would be totally off base. Normally I don't mind it. I figured I'd post this and remind myself that i'm not the only single girl (or guy) out there. And your totally right MsLayD, we al do need to be loved and love someone in return. Funny isn't it? Something so simple as have someone else in the room can make you feel worlds better, yet it's so hard to find someone that you can actually be in the same room with. Oy.

[sass]

Well i won't say i love being single, that would be totally off base. Normally I don't mind it. I figured I'd post this and remind myself that i'm not the only single girl (or guy) out there. And your totally right MsLayD, we al do need to be loved and love someone in return. Funny isn't it? Something so simple as have someone else in the room can make you feel worlds better, yet it's so hard to find someone that you can actually be in the same room with. Oy.

Yea, it can be a cruel world. I guess we should just look at it this way, think how much we will appreciate what we have when we do find that special someone!

[thurisas]

You have every right to wait until the person you can be with and who wants to be with you comes along. There are tons of places out there to meet people. Val and I aren't really the bar types either and while we met in school, we didn't start dating until after I got out of the military. We've been together since 95 and I just happened upon her working one day. I knew her so it was easier, but letting her know that I'd always had a crush on her was the most difficult thing I'd ever done. The point is, when an opportunity presents itself, make sure you jump on it. If it hadn't been for that chance meeting, I may never have met her.

Keep in mind that people are also everywhere. A bar is nice but mostly people don't go to bars for long-term relationships just like pappy said. Just look around you as you're moving through your everyday activities. If you see someone you think you'd like to know better, see if you can screw up the courage to approach them. The worst thing someone can really do is tell you they're not interested.

As far as the movies go, well, keep in mind that these are someone's dreams. Dreams need to happen and these types of movies are a way to look into someone else's mindset. The whole point of that movie was so show that sometimes we miss the thing that is right under our nose. Sometimes we have a rough time of it but the human heart in regards to love is very resilient. The end of that movie even shows what can happen when opportunity does knock, even if very lightly, and you jump on it. Don't give up the dream, revel in it and see the message that lays beneath the mush.

Randy.

[mystofpric]

awww thanks guys! I know that when I find my someone (or move to Maine ) I'll know that it was worth the wait, that's why i got it tattooed on my to remind me daily, unfortunately it's on myback and some days i don't see it.

Thur, awww! You two are great and that is an awesome story. Hmm maybe I just need to work in amore visible place, something tells me that Mr Right is probably not shopping for granite right now. LOL

I also know that bars are the last place to look to meet someone but it was just an example, the bookstore is 1/2 an hour away too. Bummer for me, but like I said lots to read. Ithink i just have to get back to focusing on getting me to a good place in all the non-relationship ways: Finanically, Fittness, personality (i'm currently under going a huge changenot purposely but definitely noticeably growing out of the tom-boy into the lady), just generally getting my life settled.

[pappyld04]

Great answer Thur! I seem to recall a post from whiskeywoman about how to approach a man just a month or so back. There were a lot of great ideas from Tyger and a few others. Well worth the read if it's still here!

[mystofpric]

Great answer Thur! I seem to recall a post from whiskeywoman about how to approach a man just a month or so back. There were a lot of great ideas from Tyger and a few others. Well worth the read if it's still here!

Hmmm I'm gonna have to find this. See it's like this (talk about high standards, LOL) I LOVE the theatre, but i'm pretty sure I couldn't date an actor (ego and insecurities abound) or a fellow technician (we're clinically insane), so i never look for love there, though 2 of my big crushes were both there, 1 tech and 1 usher. I've never known a guy who likes to read as much as I do(or who am i kidding, at all), so the bookstore is kinda like a shot in the dark. I dunno. I guess I just have to get out there and try new things. Any suggestions? Bare in mind that I'm afraid of hieghts so rock climbing and bungee jumping are out of the question.

[makasha1]

Hmmm I'm gonna have to find this. See it's like this (talk about high standards, LOL) I LOVE the theatre, but i'm pretty sure I couldn't date an actor (ego and insecurities abound) or a fellow technician (we're clinically insane), so i never look for love there, though 2 of my big crushes were both there, 1 tech and 1 usher. I've never known a guy who likes to read as much as I do(or who am i kidding, at all), so the bookstore is kinda like a shot in the dark. I dunno. I guess I just have to get out there and try new things. Any suggestions? Bare in mind that I'm afraid of hieghts so rock climbing and bungee jumping are out of the question.

Hmmm, I was going to suggest that you get a new job washing windows so you could find Mr. Right just staring out the

window at you. NOW you tell us you are afraid of heights!! LOL

You really are a sweet and caring person so keep doing the things that make you happy. Any guy you meet in those surroundings

must have at least some things in common with you. I know neither of my girls found Mr. Right until they were in

their mid to late twenties. So it's not too late for sure. Keep smiling and be true to yourself.

[ginshreve]

Hmmm I'm gonna have to find this. See it's like this (talk about high standards, LOL) I LOVE the theatre, but i'm pretty sure I couldn't date an actor (ego and insecurities abound) or a fellow technician (we're clinically insane), so i never look for love there, though 2 of my big crushes were both there, 1 tech and 1 usher. I've never known a guy who likes to read as much as I do(or who am i kidding, at all), so the bookstore is kinda like a shot in the dark. I dunno. I guess I just have to get out there and try new things. Any suggestions? Bare in mind that I'm afraid of hieghts so rock climbing and bungee jumping are out of the question.

This may be repetitive, but I think it's worth saying - I constantly ask people who are happy couples how they met, because I want to figure out the secret! What seems to be pretty frequent is people meeting others at activities they both enjoy: an amateur singing group, political activities, golf, tennis, volleyball, wine tasting, community theater, church, work, through their job, and the office (not a random repeat, SO many people meet through work that if you work in a female dominated field you are really at a disadvantage, like me!). Anyway, the advice is to find things you like to do - that express your passions - and do them. Not just because you are looking for a partner, but because you enjoy them and get something out of your involvement with those activities. Hopefully Mr. Right (and not just Mr. Right Now) will be there, too, and if not, it wasn't a waste of your time.

I hear you - I'd rather be at home by myself reading, on the computer, or watching my favorite shows on TV. And that has worked just fine for the last 12 years to keep me single and invulnerable, but it has not worked so well to help me find a life partner! So, I too am working on my list of activities that I am willing to spend time doing that take me out of my house and into places where men are! Good luck to both of us!

Edit to add: I do think it is possible that people sabotage their own efforts to meet partners for their own subconscious reasons, and I decided that I needed to see a therapist to help me sort out why I am having such trouble with this. She has been really helpful, but I will still have to be the one to stick my neck out there . . .

[pappyld04]

Hmmm I'm gonna have to find this. See it's like this (talk about high standards, LOL) I LOVE the theatre, but i'm pretty sure I couldn't date an actor (ego and insecurities abound) or a fellow technician (we're clinically insane), so i never look for love there, though 2 of my big crushes were both there, 1 tech and 1 usher. I've never known a guy who likes to read as much as I do(or who am i kidding, at all), so the bookstore is kinda like a shot in the dark. I dunno. I guess I just have to get out there and try new things. Any suggestions? Bare in mind that I'm afraid of hieghts so rock climbing and bungee jumping are out of the question.

I think that post was something about her job interview or right around that same time at least. She met that guy at a liquor store and she was trying to work up her courage to ask him out. Where'd you get your flowers? If you're like me you hit a bunch of em, but there are people there. I'm afraid of heights too Suzy but I've always found it be to face that fear. That's why I went to jump school and why I took derrick hand jobs every time they opened. And that is what put my ass on the sideline too. I got too damned comfortable up there and didn't even attempt to hook-up either safety line. So I wouldn't recommend that route. BTW, my gf bitches about all my books so now you know one guy. There are more than half-dozen beer boxes full of books that she had to take off the shelves to make room for the newer ones. There are 5-6 bookshelves full also!

[mystofpric]

I think that post was something about her job interview or right around that same time at least. She met that guy at a liquor store and she was trying to work up her courage to ask him out. Where'd you get your flowers? If you're like me you hit a bunch of em, but there are people there. I'm afraid of heights too Suzy but I've always found it be to face that fear. That's why I went to jump school and why I took derrick hand jobs every time they opened. And that is what put my ass on the sideline too. I got too damned comfortable up there and didn't even attempt to hook-up either safety line. So I wouldn't recommend that route. BTW, my gf bitches about all my books so now you know one guy. There are more than half-dozen beer boxes full of books that she had to take off the shelves to make room for the newer ones. There are 5-6 bookshelves full also!

Pappy you keep talking like that I;m gonna have to come a whisk you away from your girlfriend!! LOl THanks everyone I'm going to look into some of the theatre groups in Lake Placid, it's a bit of a drive but the quality of the shows are better and they got more outside people in. Also I'm gonna take a trip to Burlington and see what their theatre scene is like, who knows maybe i'll get out of here completely doubtful, but meeting new people can't hurt right? Unfortunately there are no like book clubs around here that I know of so,hmm. Also definitely going to get back into the college scene even if i'm not going to school, (sorry VB like i said next fall is the goal). Thanks a lot guys i needed some reassuence. heres to hoping right?

[pappyld04]

Pappy you keep talking like that I;m gonna have to come a whisk you away from your girlfriend!! LOl

She'd probably help me pack! LOL!

[makasha1]

Pappy you keep talking like that I;m gonna have to come a whisk you away from your girlfriend!! LOl THanks everyone I'm going to look into some of the theatre groups in Lake Placid, it's a bit of a drive but the quality of the shows are better and they got more outside people in. Also I'm gonna take a trip to Burlington and see what their theatre scene is like, who knows maybe i'll get out of here completely doubtful, but meeting new people can't hurt right? Unfortunately there are no like book clubs around here that I know of so,hmm. Also definitely going to get back into the college scene even if i'm not going to school, (sorry VB like i said next fall is the goal). Thanks a lot guys i needed some reassuence. heres to hoping right?

You know, Btown has been chosen as one of the best places in the country to live. Lots of stuff going on

all the time. Lots of great places for young singles,too.

[mystofpric]

You know, Btown has been chosen as one of the best places in the country to live. Lots of stuff going on

all the time. Lots of great places for young singles,too.

Some how i just never thought about burlington like that, although I hear cost of living is higher, so maybe living here and commuting across the pond?