In Marriage:

[dogg]

Not necessarily though... You could be the freak of the world and if he/she still has it in his mind to cheat he will. Some people just always think the grass is greener with someone else or are just on an endless quest for some kind of newness or mind blowing end all be all experience. Usually all they get is a gigantic disappointment!

Unfortunately, what you say is true. That for some, the grass is always greener with someone else...those are people who will never be happy, in any area of life.

[Tyger]

Sex, as a duty, just isn't worth the BS. No effort, romance, caring, and the only feeling is being used like a fuck doll. Sex should be and usually is given freely by both partners. Sure a marriage may say that you will only look to your partner for your needs but we have no right to demand that they perform on demand. Hell I think a lot of guys are lucky to even be allowed to touch their partner. It's that old give and take thing at work, they can give it if they choose but we cannot take it when we choose!

In my opinion, you are absolutely correct. I don't think that "duty" or even "responsibility" are correct terms for sex in marriage. It's not even a RIGHT.

You usually get married because you want too (nowadays), and so, sex in marriage should be a "want too". I mean, look at people that are either paralyzed from the waist down, have genital issues, or have sexual issues. They can still find spouses that usually KNOW of their condition. Or those that become unable to perform to do whatever reason (think Christpher Reeve). Their spouses love them, and care for them, even if they can't fulfill them sexually. They stay because they WANT too (usually).

Besides, sex with your lover/spouse, is the ultimate act of love and trust. If you can't or don't have that with them, then you don't NEED it or have a RIGHT to it.

Just my opinion.

[Jojo1231]

I'm stuck in a situation that I've run out of ideas on what to do and gave up. My SO (female) has not initiated sex for years now. I cannot remember the last time she wanted it. I've done I think everything that there is to do. I've been angry, upset, sad...ran thru the gamut of emotions. I've been very blunt about it and told her in very clear terms of how upsetting this was to me. Everytime I played w/her body, she would push me away...I've bought toys, lingerie, nice dresses. I've talked to her and even pleaded w/her to talk to her gyno about it. That backfired on me because her gyno asked if she thought everything was all right and her answer was "yes, it was".

I've complimented her, told her how sexy she was...but nothing works. Currently she takes care of my urges (physical) but doesn't want anything else. I'm open to suggestions and recommendations because I do love her, have done so for nearly 30 years.

Admittedly, I've had phone sex and feel pretty bad about it. But I do miss that sensation of being desired and wanted. If there's another course of action to take or a recommendation, please let me know about it. Thanks all

[vanilla_bean]

I'm stuck in a situation that I've run out of ideas on what to do and gave up. My SO (female) has not initiated sex for years now. I cannot remember the last time she wanted it. I've done I think everything that there is to do. I've been angry, upset, sad...ran thru the gamut of emotions. I've been very blunt about it and told her in very clear terms of how upsetting this was to me. Everytime I played w/her body, she would push me away...I've bought toys, lingerie, nice dresses. I've talked to her and even pleaded w/her to talk to her gyno about it. That backfired on me because her gyno asked if she thought everything was all right and her answer was "yes, it was".

I've complimented her, told her how sexy she was...but nothing works. Currently she takes care of my urges (physical) but doesn't want anything else. I'm open to suggestions and recommendations because I do love her, have done so for nearly 30 years.

Admittedly, I've had phone sex and feel pretty bad about it. But I do miss that sensation of being desired and wanted. If there's another course of action to take or a recommendation, please let me know about it. Thanks all

This is a concern that comes up quite frequently on different threads. Many members can attest to the fact that it is possible to overcome this while many still struggle and some feel hopeless.

I have had some things in common with your wife and maybe what I went through is useful to you.

- it was all about how I felt about myself, not how I felt about my husband. Anger, resentment, huffing and puffing just made me feel worse and had the opposite effect of what he would want. It just made me feel crappier and less desirable

-he let me know in a way that I could allow myself to believe that I was desirable and that his desire for me wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't just demanding sex because it was his "right" ; he really wanted me/us to be a team again

- I came to realize that my rejection of him, and not just of sex, was causing him real pain. I knew that I loved him and that I didn't want to be a source of pain to him.

-it was hard to let myself go. It really seemed like such a risk. I was afraid of rejection, humiliation. He was patient with me.

sex became about having fun which I don't think I had really understood before.

Our sex life has been through the roof for about a year now. Well, I sometimes complain that he's not putting out enough, but I won't go there right now.

Good luck. I hope for both of you that you are able to work this out. I believe that she's the one who will really benefit the most if you can.

[sun_flower969]

This is a concern that comes up quite frequently on different threads. Many members can attest to the fact that it is possible to overcome this while many still struggle and some feel hopeless.

I have had some things in common with your wife and maybe what I went through is useful to you.

- it was all about how I felt about myself, not how I felt about my husband. Anger, resentment, huffing and puffing just made me feel worse and had the opposite effect of what he would want. It just made me feel crappier and less desirable

-he let me know in a way that I could allow myself to believe that I was desirable and that his desire for me wasn't going anywhere. He wasn't just demanding sex because it was his "right" ; he really wanted me/us to be a team again

- I came to realize that my rejection of him, and not just of sex, was causing him real pain. I knew that I loved him and that I didn't want to be a source of pain to him.

-it was hard to let myself go. It really seemed like such a risk. I was afraid of rejection, humiliation. He was patient with me.

sex became about having fun which I don't think I had really understood before.

Our sex life has been through the roof for about a year now. Well, I sometimes complain that he's not putting out enough, but I won't go there right now.

Good luck. I hope for both of you that you are able to work this out. I believe that she's the one who will really benefit the most if you can.

Although the sex in our marriage never really slowed down. At our ultimate worst it was about 1-2X per week. I can honestly say what Van said mirrors my feelings almost to a T! Sexual hangups and low self esteem is the killer of women's sex drives I swear! I am figuring out lately just how hung up I was and I am ashamed! Hormones have their affect as well. At certain times of the month like around ovulation. I have such a low drive. I feel on edge, ugly, emotional etc. Other times I am fine! Women are complex for sure. Someone said one time that 90 (or so) percent of orgasm in women is based on emotions, rather than physical sensations!

[pappyld04]

Although the sex in our marriage never really slowed down. At our ultimate worst it was about 1-2X per week. I can honestly say what Van said mirrors me almost to a T! Sexual hangups and low self esteem is the killer of women's sex drives I swear! I am figuring out lately just how hung up I was and I am ashamed!

Sun there should be no shame in recognizing a problem!

[sun_flower969]

Sun there should be no shame in recognizing a problem!

I know... It's just I thought things were great. That I was very sexual etc. It is NOTHING compared to how I am now and it just makes me wonder if maybe my H wasn't happy back then. We were both kind of clueless that it could ever be this great but I guess it is kind of bothering me.

[Jojo1231]

That's one thing about this place...nobody is judging you and everyone has been great and helpful w/advice. That really is appreciated. I guess part of it is the anonymity of it all but yet I've read a lot of great information. The hard part is having her go see some kind of therapist. We've been married almost 30 years and I can't fathom why she thinks she's ugly, undesirable or whatever. I never kid her about her weight (yeah, she's gained a few but not much). Always tell when we go out to dinner that she looks just great, sexy, fabulous...

The phone sex thing was great because:

1. I didn't pay for it, so her involvement was real

2. She loved it (or she was just giving me great phone)

3. She wanted me

I just don't know if I could get her to go because much like any addict w/a problem, that person needs to admit there is a problem before any kind of healing process can begin. In her mind, she doesn't think there is one. But I will keep trying and you good folks keep giving out the advice and thank you all for listening.

All the best from Hawaii

[pappyld04]

JoJo, Sunflower just wrote a great article on women's self-esteem. May give you a better understanding of how women view themselves. Many of us guys know a woman or 15 that have this problem but we have little clue how to deal with it!

[whitefang2002]

I think in a marriage, that you make love not just have sex. But........its hard to say that its a duty. If your SO medically can't have sex then you obviously shouldn't force them to but then again i don't think that would justify cheating either. I can't think of it as "duty" otherwise i just think that its a "wam bam thank you mam" kind of thing if that makes sense. I would kill my SO (not literaly) if he threw me on the bed and told me to have sex with him because it was my duty. (I had an ex like that, that said its my duty...and we weren't married) So no one should tell their SO that its their duty. I just dont like sex and duty in the same sentence....

[square]

dogg:

"Here's another thought.

If partners in marriage (or committed relationships) always try to put their partners' needs first...and both partners are doing that...I'd think there wouldn't be many issues, or questions about duty or responsibility."

===================

I don't know that that is always realistic. Kids come along, and take the number one spot. Mother-in-law's health goes south and wifie needs to tend to her. Best-friend-since-kindergarten goes through a rocky time and needs support. Work gets busy and you start putting in longer hours. And on and on. You run out of time and energy to always put the partner's needs first. All of that adds stress to your relationship. Plus you have differences in what is important, adding more stress, things you never considered before you got married.

Many a night, after I've been working all day and spending my evening doing chores, trying to get the kids outside (one of those examples of where I think it's important to get them out to run around, while my wife thinks it's fine for them to sit in front of the TV all day (oops! that sounded like a dig -- perish the thought), so it falls to me to get them outside), help them with homework, blah blah blah . . . Once the kids are off to bed, I will flop on the sofa to veg a bit before going to bed. The wife will plop down in front of me and ask "rub my back?" Well, guess what dear, my feet hurt, my legs are swollen, I'm spent, beat, worn-out, and exhausted. Sorry, y'ain't gettin' a back rub.

[ladylove]

I think in a marriage, that you make love not just have sex. But........its hard to say that its a duty. If your SO medically can't have sex then you obviously shouldn't force them to but then again i don't think that would justify cheating either. I can't think of it as "duty" otherwise i just think that its a "wam bam thank you mam" kind of thing if that makes sense. I would kill my SO (not literaly) if he threw me on the bed and told me to have sex with him because it was my duty. (I had an ex like that, that said its my duty...and we weren't married) So no one should tell their SO that its their duty. I just dont like sex and duty in the same sentence....

Yes, in marriage you do have sex, and make love along with so many other types of sex. One thing is for sure; sex should not be a chore or a 'duty'. There are time when we all say 'not now honey", some people say it more than others. There are times in marriage you say yes to sex when you don't really want to. It's out of love and consideration for the other person that you do. It should never feel like a sacrifice, you aren't a lamb being led to slaughter. It's not a chore because chore implies work. It's not a duty, which is a moral obligation.