What Now?

[Thor???]

Several years ago I fell for a wonderful woman who saved me from the despair I was feeling over a lost relationship. While it took me some time to heal enough to open my heart to her - she was patient and has become my reason for being. Like everyone else - we have had our good and not so good moments but by far the majority of my time was spent doing anything I could to make her happy. Don't get the idea that this was unselfish... I did it to be blessed by her dazzling smile and flashing eyes. In the past year or so we have had a couple of issues creep into our delightfully happy existence but I thought we had worked out eveything to our mutual satisfaction - and it was often VERY satisfying - for both of us. We had reached levels of sexuality neither had ever experienced before (much of it thanks to information and encouragement found on this site) - and that brought us closer in all other ways as well. In May of this year I lost my job and that put a strain on our relationship. My wife has run her own business very successfully for 20+ years and it meets our minimum requirements, but of course the situation made her feel more pressure than before. I start a new job tomorrow - finally - and it would be nice to think that would relieve the tension, but I have just learned that I have lost whatever relationship used to exist - and she is unwilling to even discuss it. No counseling - no talking it out - not even any explanation of the problem. I'm told that as a man - I wouldn't understand, so what's the point. I am not blind. I knew we were drifting apart and I very carefully tried everything I could think of to bring us back together: flowers, dinners out and prepared by me at home, road trips, photoshoots, romantic Birthday card, etc. I tried to gently get her to open up about what was happening to us. I was careful not to allow my rising frustration about not knowing what was wrong or how to fix it make matters worse. Unfortunately for me, they have gotten much worse. We don't touch or kiss much - she seems repelled by my presence. We don't make love at all - my carefully planned seductions have crashed and burned. Silly little things I used to do that made her smile or laugh now earn me a look of disgust. I kept hoping it might be a passing phase - we are one day away from our seventh year of marriage, maybe it's just seven year itch. She has reached a youthful middleage - maybe it's just a mid-life crisis. That is somewhat supported by her desire to change careers - a desire I have not discouraged. I thought maybe she just felt trapped in her current career by my lay-off and a new job would fix it. All I want to do - all I ever wanted - was to make her happy, see her smile, enjoy the closeness we shared until the last couple of months. All I can get from her is stories of problems we had 5 or 7 or 9 years ago and a complete refusal to discuss anything that might lead to a solution. She is ready to lead separate lives - too ready for a woman who was so clearly in love with me only months ago. I can't let myself think there is someone else after all we've meant to each other and the personal growth we've achieved together. I can't imagine a life without her - I have no interest in one, but it is killing me to see her go through each day so unhappy. If I can't fix this as a part of her life... I'll leave her to find her happiness again. But there won't be any for me - I simply can't go through this again. What now??

[triedntru]

Honey, I'm so sorry all this is happening. I applaud you for trying to keep the relationship together. I, also went through this, except I was on the other side. My husband refused to let our relationship die and now I'm SO glad he didn't! There is hope, it's hard work, but it's there. I wish you the best you both will be in my prayers. TNT

[mystofpric]

Wow. Wow. Wow. Um love the only thing that I can recommend is marriage consueling maybe? I know in NY if she wants a divorce and you want to make it work, you will be ordered into consueling. i think if it is just issues this is your best route. IF not? I dunno. I'm sorry hun, for both of you to have to be going through this.

[sass]

I echo Suzy - wow! Your story brought a tear to my eye. I am certainly not the smartest poster on this site, and not in a position at this time to give anyone any advice, but I can say that I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Your pain is heartbreaking and I send you a cyber hug *hug sent*.

I hope things work out for the best, whatever that ends up being.

[Thor???]

Honey, I'm so sorry all this is happening. I applaud you for trying to keep the relationship together. I, also went through this, except I was on the other side. My husband refused to let our relationship die and now I'm SO glad he didn't! There is hope, it's hard work, but it's there. I wish you the best you both will be in my prayers. TNT

Thanks for the small ray of hope in the blackness that surrounds me. I'll try to think of your success when I can't sleep - when my entire body is shaking - when my heart is breaking... like now.

[Thor???]

Wow. Wow. Wow. Um love the only thing that I can recommend is marriage consueling maybe? I know in NY if she wants a divorce and you want to make it work, you will be ordered into consueling. i think if it is just issues this is your best route. IF not? I dunno. I'm sorry hun, for both of you to have to be going through this.

Thanks. I don't think forced counseling will happen here - or that it would help. The sweetest, most unselfish person I've ever known now seems ready to put me back where she found me. If it will bring her happiness... I'm almost ready to go.

[Thor???]

I echo Suzy - wow! Your story brought a tear to my eye. I am certainly not the smartest poster on this site, and not in a position at this time to give anyone any advice, but I can say that I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Your pain is heartbreaking and I send you a cyber hug *hug sent*.

I hope things work out for the best, whatever that ends up being.

Thanks for the "hug". It's been a long time.

[tmmc]

My husband and I went through similar situation and I couldn't talk to him either... Its hard to tell the person you love how pissed off you are about something that wasn't really their fault. (He owned a landscaping company and 3 large projects he still hasn't been paid on) He started a line of communication through email, which seems weird when we sleep in the same bed, but it was easier for me to open up that way. I hope that you can find a way to get her to open up to you because getting that started is the hard part. Give the new job and her some time, don't let her do anything rash, your relationship sounds too good to let a few bad months destroy it.

I wish all the best for you.

[Thor???]

My husband and I went through similar situation and I couldn't talk to him either... Its hard to tell the person you love how pissed off you are about something that wasn't really their fault. (He owned a landscaping company and 3 large projects he still hasn't been paid on) He started a line of communication through email, which seems weird when we sleep in the same bed, but it was easier for me to open up that way. I hope that you can find a way to get her to open up to you because getting that started is the hard part. Give the new job and her some time, don't let her do anything rash, your relationship sounds too good to let a few bad months destroy it.

I wish all the best for you.

Thanks for the advice. I'm just so frustrated. I have made my life about pleasing her and solving her problems and I've been amply rewarded with the opportunity to be near her. Now there is some kind of problem that threatens the foundations of my world... and I can't even get a description of it - let alone find a way to fix it. I can't sleep and my stomach is ALWAYS upset. In just a couple of months I've gone from being the God of Thunder to some kind of insignificant but annoying insect. It's our Anniversary today... I start my new job in a few minutes... I'm just so very tired. Your comments give me hope - at least now I have something.

[vanilla_bean]

I can't sleep and my stomach is ALWAYS upset. In just a couple of months I've gone from being the God of Thunder to some kind of insignificant but annoying insect. It's our Anniversary today... I start my new job in a few minutes... I'm just so very tired. Your comments give me hope - at least now I have something.

That is an impossible way to live. I encourage you to do whatever it takes to get talking. Just a thought, it sounds like you idolized her, and I think it would be hard work to be an idol.

Best of luck with your new job and I hope that marking an anniversary can somehow mark a breakthrough.

[Tyger]

I'm really sorry that y'all are going thru this. Where I find it wonderful that you have devoted so much time & effort into the marriage, it scares me to hear that you're willing to give up your happiness. Remember, being true partners means not LOOSING yourself in it, but becoming stronger.

Rest assured that you are not the only one that has lost a job (from my experience) and, that in itself is hard to deal with. It's a blow to your ego, self-esteem, and makes you question any & everything you did at that workplace, as well as in your homelife too. But, it happens, you brush yourself up, and move on.

Now, where we all want this to work out for you, realistically, unless your wife starts talking, there's no chance of that happening at all. It takes TWO to make a marriage survive. No matter HOW HARD you try, how nice you are, and how much effort is being put forth, unless that is all being reciprocated, appreciated, and absorbed, then there's not a lot of hope. I hate sounding so pessimistic here, but I don't want to snowball you either.

FORCED counselling rarely works, you are SOO right there. When counselling is forced, someone usually feels bitter, trapped, tricked, and resentful at this happening. Being FORCED to do anything usually has that affect on someone. Which brings me to another point:

Your wife, MAY, and I say MAY because I am not sure (of course), but maybe your wife may feel a bit resentful at having to cut down on things due to your job loss. She may resent HAVING to work, though, most women like going out and making a living, don't get me wrong. But, when the pressure is ON for someone to HAVE to pick up the slack, for whatever reason, they may resent it. Though, she may not know why she's so mad, or may not want to admit that she sees it like that, because she knows how unfair it is for her to feel that way, she can't help feel that way. Do you think that this may have something to do with it? I only bring this up because it seems that all her distance was triggered by you loosing your job?

Until she opens up, or is willing to do so, there's not a lot of power in a marriage, when only one of the 2 engines are working. It's listing to one side, and I hope she can help right it!

Good luck & Best wishes.

[pappyld04]

This is not our Nymph's Thor I hope!

[mystofpric]

Wow. Wow. Wow. Um love the only thing that I can recommend is marriage consueling maybe? I know in NY if she wants a divorce and you want to make it work, you will be ordered into consueling. i think if it is just issues this is your best route. IF not? I dunno. I'm sorry hun, for both of you to have to be going through this.

I should clarify that I didn't mean forced counseling was the best route, but counseling in general.

[pappyld04]

I think forced counseling would only deepen the resentment. IMHO, and experience, nothing works until you have your mind made up to beat it!

[Mikayla1]

This is a hard one to respond to, because we only have 1/2 of the story here. What we have is a man who obviously loves his wife and is going through a very hard time. My hubby recently lost his job, and his entire personality has changed as a result of it. He cycles through emotions like a bi-polar person, he seems reluctant to discuss certain things, and sex, for him, is no longer the complete retreat it used to be.

Does that mean that I blame him for losing his job or blame him for his feelings? OF course not, he is going to be fine - we will be fine. I just mention it because sometimes we don't realize that our actions or moods change when we suffer a loss, a job loss, and we may be sending odd signals to our spouse, ones we are not intending to do.

You indicate that she wants a job change. Good for her. We are all responsible for our own happiness and can not look toward others to give us that happiness. Also, you mention that she has run a successful business for 20 years or so. Is there any part of you that resents her success? Men, generally speaking, get caught up in the 'I have to provide' mode and when their female partners are more successful, they can get a bit discouraged. I mention this as my hubby went through this a few years ago when he was in job transition and I was doing well working at a law firm. He acted oddly then as well, and eventually admitted his jealousy.

DOes this mean you are 'to blame' for what is happening between you and her? No, I am not trying to blame, but instead put some light on this situation. It seems as though you are innately concerned and upset and your tone sounds depressed. How has she been acting? Is she happy? Is she depressed? If she is happy and concentrating on her future and telling you she wants out of the marriage or whatever then what does that tell you about the situation?

I think that a woman's sexuality is tied up in many different things. We can not easily separate our emotion from our sexual feelings. If you have gone through all this tension, all these rough months and she has been feeling pushed away or divided from you - then sex is not going to happen easily. You say she seems 'repulsed' by you - does she tell you she doesn't want to have sex, kiss or touch you or is it your perception of things? When we are in dark times our reason sometimes leaves us.

I think that you have to tell her what you are telling us here. You have to explain to her how you feel and why. If, and this is a big IF, she does not want to work it out, go to counseling, or continue in marriage - what can you really do? We constantly get questions here about how to make our significant others love us or reciprocate our feelings. It is hard, on a often one-sided post, to discern all that is going on in a situation and shed light on it. All I can say is that all marriages are not made to last and many marriages are left without an adequate fight - you have to figure out which side of the line you fall on.

[sun_flower969]

Several years ago I fell for a wonderful woman who saved me from the despair I was feeling over a lost relationship. While it took me some time to heal enough to open my heart to her - she was patient and has become my reason for being. Like everyone else - we have had our good and not so good moments but by far the majority of my time was spent doing anything I could to make her happy. Don't get the idea that this was unselfish... I did it to be blessed by her dazzling smile and flashing eyes. In the past year or so we have had a couple of issues creep into our delightfully happy existence but I thought we had worked out eveything to our mutual satisfaction - and it was often VERY satisfying - for both of us. We had reached levels of sexuality neither had ever experienced before (much of it thanks to information and encouragement found on this site) - and that brought us closer in all other ways as well. In May of this year I lost my job and that put a strain on our relationship. My wife has run her own business very successfully for 20+ years and it meets our minimum requirements, but of course the situation made her feel more pressure than before. I start a new job tomorrow - finally - and it would be nice to think that would relieve the tension, but I have just learned that I have lost whatever relationship used to exist - and she is unwilling to even discuss it. No counseling - no talking it out - not even any explanation of the problem. I'm told that as a man - I wouldn't understand, so what's the point. I am not blind. I knew we were drifting apart and I very carefully tried everything I could think of to bring us back together: flowers, dinners out and prepared by me at home, road trips, photoshoots, romantic Birthday card, etc. I tried to gently get her to open up about what was happening to us. I was careful not to allow my rising frustration about not knowing what was wrong or how to fix it make matters worse. Unfortunately for me, they have gotten much worse. We don't touch or kiss much - she seems repelled by my presence. We don't make love at all - my carefully planned seductions have crashed and burned. Silly little things I used to do that made her smile or laugh now earn me a look of disgust. I kept hoping it might be a passing phase - we are one day away from our seventh year of marriage, maybe it's just seven year itch. She has reached a youthful middleage - maybe it's just a mid-life crisis. That is somewhat supported by her desire to change careers - a desire I have not discouraged. I thought maybe she just felt trapped in her current career by my lay-off and a new job would fix it. All I want to do - all I ever wanted - was to make her happy, see her smile, enjoy the closeness we shared until the last couple of months. All I can get from her is stories of problems we had 5 or 7 or 9 years ago and a complete refusal to discuss anything that might lead to a solution. She is ready to lead separate lives - too ready for a woman who was so clearly in love with me only months ago. I can't let myself think there is someone else after all we've meant to each other and the personal growth we've achieved together. I can't imagine a life without her - I have no interest in one, but it is killing me to see her go through each day so unhappy. If I can't fix this as a part of her life... I'll leave her to find her happiness again. But there won't be any for me - I simply can't go through this again. What now??

UGH... I hate to say this to you and I don't want to make any assumptions. I also could be wrong but it does sound to me, from what you are saying, that she is distracted. Possibly there is someone else. You need to confront her immediately. For her to not even want to discuss anything, saying that "you wouldn't understand" the fact that she is "too ready" to go and live separately... I'm sorry, HUGE red flag. I don't want to hurt your feelings or alarm you but I don't think you should fool yourself. You had a wonderful relationship and now suddenly she is pulling away, for no apparent reason. It seems very familiar to me as I did, unfortunately, go through something similar. I am telling you, she owes it to you as your wife to tell you what is going on and to tell you the truth! I am truly sorry for your pain and I hope you can get to the bottom of this.

[Thor???]

This is not our Nymph's Thor I hope!

'fraid so. Love your picture - almost makes me smile to see a fellow nordic god. Can you imagine doing the photography on those shoots - seeing the smiles the camera gets - that I can't. Not to mention the rest of what I'm seeing that no longer has any interest in me. She says she has expanded her mind but it doesn't seem to have made her happy... and it's destroying me.

[Amylynn920]

I'm sorry. For the both of you.

[Thor???]

This is a hard one to respond to, because we only have 1/2 of the story here. What we have is a man who obviously loves his wife and is going through a very hard time. My hubby recently lost his job, and his entire personality has changed as a result of it. He cycles through emotions like a bi-polar person, he seems reluctant to discuss certain things, and sex, for him, is no longer the complete retreat it used to be.

Does that mean that I blame him for losing his job or blame him for his feelings? OF course not, he is going to be fine - we will be fine. I just mention it because sometimes we don't realize that our actions or moods change when we suffer a loss, a job loss, and we may be sending odd signals to our spouse, ones we are not intending to do.

You indicate that she wants a job change. Good for her. We are all responsible for our own happiness and can not look toward others to give us that happiness. Also, you mention that she has run a successful business for 20 years or so. Is there any part of you that resents her success? Men, generally speaking, get caught up in the 'I have to provide' mode and when their female partners are more successful, they can get a bit discouraged. I mention this as my hubby went through this a few years ago when he was in job transition and I was doing well working at a law firm. He acted oddly then as well, and eventually admitted his jealousy.

DOes this mean you are 'to blame' for what is happening between you and her? No, I am not trying to blame, but instead put some light on this situation. It seems as though you are innately concerned and upset and your tone sounds depressed. How has she been acting? Is she happy? Is she depressed? If she is happy and concentrating on her future and telling you she wants out of the marriage or whatever then what does that tell you about the situation?

I think that a woman's sexuality is tied up in many different things. We can not easily separate our emotion from our sexual feelings. If you have gone through all this tension, all these rough months and she has been feeling pushed away or divided from you - then sex is not going to happen easily. You say she seems 'repulsed' by you - does she tell you she doesn't want to have sex, kiss or touch you or is it your perception of things? When we are in dark times our reason sometimes leaves us.

I think that you have to tell her what you are telling us here. You have to explain to her how you feel and why. If, and this is a big IF, she does not want to work it out, go to counseling, or continue in marriage - what can you really do? We constantly get questions here about how to make our significant others love us or reciprocate our feelings. It is hard, on a often one-sided post, to discern all that is going on in a situation and shed light on it. All I can say is that all marriages are not made to last and many marriages are left without an adequate fight - you have to figure out which side of the line you fall on.

I'll combine replies to Tyger and Mikayla as you both gave me a lot to think about. While I won't try to go through what has happened page by page or why I feel so completely shut out of her life today it is important to know that I have considered everything you've mentioned. Trust me - solving problems is what I do - it gives me the drive to keep going when things are tough. I have always thrived under impossible projects or deadlines. My problem now is that in just the last 2-3 months I have lost all ability to communicate - and I have received no idea what or what can be done. In fact, I have been told it is hopeless, I won't understand, she probably won't date after me, well... maybe not for a year. I still love her with all the love I ever felt for anyone - more than I can afford to lose. I would do anything to regain the unbelievable relationship we had such a short time ago - but I'm the only one interested. Yeah - I'm sad, depressed. She has also been displying the classic signs of depression for weeks - frequent naps (I on the other hand - can't sleep), general moodiness - especially in my presence. My favorite sound in the world is her laugh and despite my best efforts it had been weeks since I heard it. Several days ago I heard her sparkling laugh peal out of the living room while she was watching TV. I came up the stairs and stood where I could see the happiness on her face. When she saw me looking - rain clouds descended again -as if she didn't even want me to know that she could be happy. Someone said it sounds like I put her on a pedestal. That's close but not quite right. She has been the most wonderful, amazing person I've ever known. Pleasing her has been a huge part of my life's ambition since she rescued what was left of me several years ago. I don't think it has been unhealthy for me or stressful for her - she used to like it and comment often on the benefits of me over her ex. Look - I'm running off at the keyboard and I wasn't going to. I apologize to anyone who has taken offense and thinks that I am trying to diminish the image Thor'sNymph has attained here. All I want is to fix whatever it is and move on. It's our 7th Anniversary today - I just want to cry.

[Thor???]

UGH... I hate to say this to you and I don't want to make any assumptions. I also could be wrong but it does sound to me, from what you are saying, that she is distracted. Possibly there is someone else. You need to confront her immediately. For her to not even want to discuss anything, saying that "you wouldn't understand" the fact that she is "too ready" to go and live separately... I'm sorry, HUGE red flag. I don't want to hurt your feelings or alarm you but I don't think you should fool yourself. You had a wonderful relationship and now suddenly she is pulling away, for no apparent reason. It seems very familiar to me as I did, unfortunately, go through something similar. I am telling you, she owes it to you as your wife to tell you what is going on and to tell you the truth! I am truly sorry for your pain and I hope you can get to the bottom of this.

I was married for 3 years to a woman I thought would be my wife for life. I knew she had a checkered past - but it was WAY past. More than 15 years earlier she had been an exotic dancer and done hard drugs regularly in a state halfway across the country from where we lived. I was working with the family business and had a lot of time at home but occasional out of state trips. After 4 years of knowing her very well - knowing her friends - watching her with her young teenage daughter I felt pretty good about our future. While on a job out of state we developed a little trouble. I sent home over $3000 in three weeks and called every night from the hotel. After the first two nights - I never spoke to her again from the job. I still called every night and her daughter (13 at the time) always told me I just missed her - she was shopping or getting the oil changed in the car, or something. By the time I got home my wife was a daily cocaine user and frequent marijuana user. She had moved her 24 year old drug dealer boyfriend into our house. She had spent the $3000 and more than $15,000 on credit cards in our name to maintain the lifestyle she and all her new friends wanted - while leaving her daughter alone in an empty house with little or no food for 5-6 days in a row. I know what that kind of problem looks like and I'm convinced that there is nothing like that going on here. Still... there is no confronting someone who won't speak to you, and the lack of a good reason for this crushing loss makes it worse in some ways. I barely survived the last one - it took Thorsnymph to save me. What now...

[chloegirl]

Wow....I really hate to hear that you guys are going thru this. Many of us have been thru the "lost a job" thing and when the finances get real tight and it doesn't seem like that person is doing enough to change it fast enough (even though logically we know we have to be patient) stress will lead to a build up of all the other little things that normally we just shake off and before you know it there is a wall of anger there that can kill a relationship fast if you let it. That anger will definitely cause your sex life to come to an end too. That general anger may be the beginning of what's going on here, and I hate to say without knowing facts but I have to agree with Sunflower....maybe there is something or someone that has gotten into her head and has distracted her from your relationship? Communicating is hard when your up against that wall, but hopefully you guys will be able to find some way to at least let her try to explain what she's feeling so you at least know what you're dealing with. Good luck to you both....hope this all works out!

[Thor???]

I feel for you and trust me when I say you are not the only one in your boat................

We'll have to round up the survivors and form a club.

[Guest eminatic]

i'm sorry i dont mean to sound harsh, but based on the information given, it seems like she's being INCREDIBLY selfish for not even TRYING to provide ANY explanation whatsoever. another lover sounds possible, but you cant be sure- i agree with everyone else i would confront her for an explanation. "you wouldnt understand/you're a guy" is a TOTALLY B***S*** excuse. whether its separation or reconciliation you can't move on to the next step if she doesnt start giving some answers.

[Thor???]

i'm sorry i dont mean to sound harsh, but based on the information given, it seems like she's being INCREDIBLY selfish for not even TRYING to provide ANY explanation whatsoever. another lover sounds possible, but you cant be sure- i agree with everyone else i would confront her for an explanation. "you wouldnt understand/you're a guy" is a TOTALLY B***S*** excuse. whether its separation or reconciliation you can't move on to the next step if she doesnt start giving some answers.

She spoke to me last night - briefly. Just walked in and said she was getting a divorce. I want to thank you all for your insights and encouragement - but I won't be needing them anymore. I especially want to thank those of you who have become close to nymph through this forum. She values the friends made here and I've seen the smiles she gives the computer as she types responses to you all. I hope you will continue to support her in the coming weeks as I'm sure she will need it. Goodbye

[makasha1]

IMHO if she is dragging stuff up that is 5 or 7 years old her mind is made up. Believe me, I know it's tough to invest heavily into

a relationship and still feel that everyone and everything is more important than you. Please continue to do everything

possible to keep it going but if the time comes that you see there is no hope you must let the relationship sink slowly

into the sunset without beating yourself up.

Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Best of luck to you.