Not Compatible?

[Orlando]

I've been with my SO for a year now. Sex has never been really mentally/emotionally comfortable for me, and I suspect it's never been comfortable for her. It almost always seems awkward and contrived. We go through the motions and we are both pretty technically skilled - maybe not porn stars but we've covered most of the "wish list" items on that other thread. But am never really, totally "into" it like I've been with other women. I suspect, from her reactions (or lack of reactions) that she isn't into it either. With the ex I got totally lost when we were making love. I could be on another planet for all I knew. With my current SO I'm aware of every minute. Often, I will initiate sex and she will take control, roll me over, give me a BJ, spit in the sink, and go to sleep. It's like she just wants to get it over with and doesn't want the bother of me kissing her, going down on her, or otherwise giving her attention. She says she likes pleasing me, but it's so totally mechanical it isn't pleasurable at all.

I've tried to have discussions with her about it, but she always says things are fine for her. It's to the point where I avoid situations that might lead to sex. I just don't need the hassle and disappointment. In other areas we get along fine and I don't like to be reminded that in THIS area things seem so wrong. I don't know whether to live with it, end the relationship, or if there is something that can be done to make sex fun again.

[pappyld04]

This must be a tough thing to maintain when it just feels so wrong.

[mystofpric]

Well, I've read on here that trouble with sex is often a sign of bigger problems. When your doing other things together, like a date or just sitting watching TV, are you having fun? Are you relaxed? Or are you acutely aware of her presence and every little thing she does? When you talk about sex, are you complaining about it, or are you telling her who much you want to please her? Do you show your response to sex? Or are you one of those guys who doesn't moan or grunt? (yeah they exsist) Most importantly, has the sex EVER been good? If it has I'd say something has happened to change things, either one or both stopped trying and you fell into a rut. On teh other hand if it hasn't how did you last a year?

Also, I'd stop comparing sex with her to sex with anyone else, it will be different, she's different. She also maybe one of those people who have a low drive, ask the guys around here, they exsist too. If that's the case, then you have to decide (i assume your just dating and not married?) if the everything else is worth a poor sex life.

Talk to her, calmly, rationally, and let her know how you feel (both the good and the bad) and tell her exactly where you stand. Tell her your unhappy and you get the feeling she's unhappy. See if she even feels the same way! Then as a couple, go from there.

[Mikayla1]

You are very lucky as you are not married to her. You have been with her a year and indicate that you have never had great sex. Well....you have given it a year.....I do not mean to be flippant here, I understand you came here looking for an answer, but the truth is, no one can give you that answer.

It boils down to this: is sex important to you? Is it important enough that even though you connect on many other levels, you have horrible sex but it is OK. Can you do without great sex the rest of your life? IF it never feels right, good, sexually fullfilling or at a base level FUN, then why bother? Why waste your precious short life on bad sex?

Sure, you could try to work it out, do other things, try to spice it up. You are indicating that it has never been good, so I doubt that would work. I also think that some people simply do not 'fit' together, and that may be your issue. I suppose you have to do some serious soul searching here and ultimately decide, what you want, need and expect from this relationship.

Good Luck.

[sun_flower969]

I've been with my SO for a year now. Sex has never been really mentally/emotionally comfortable for me, and I suspect it's never been comfortable for her. It almost always seems awkward and contrived. We go through the motions and we are both pretty technically skilled - maybe not porn stars but we've covered most of the "wish list" items on that other thread. But am never really, totally "into" it like I've been with other women. I suspect, from her reactions (or lack of reactions) that she isn't into it either. With the ex I got totally lost when we were making love. I could be on another planet for all I knew. With my current SO I'm aware of every minute. Often, I will initiate sex and she will take control, roll me over, give me a BJ, spit in the sink, and go to sleep. It's like she just wants to get it over with and doesn't want the bother of me kissing her, going down on her, or otherwise giving her attention. She says she likes pleasing me, but it's so totally mechanical it isn't pleasurable at all.

I've tried to have discussions with her about it, but she always says things are fine for her. It's to the point where I avoid situations that might lead to sex. I just don't need the hassle and disappointment. In other areas we get along fine and I don't like to be reminded that in THIS area things seem so wrong. I don't know whether to live with it, end the relationship, or if there is something that can be done to make sex fun again.

It sounds to me like she isn't as sexual as you are. I don't think there is such a thing as the right "fit" IMO, I really think no matter who you are with you have to find your niche. You said she thinks things are fine with her but what about you? Did you tell her how you feel. That you feel like she is going through the motions and wants to get it over with? Does she have orgasms? I just wonder if she is one of these women who has never really enjoyed sex to the fullest and has become apathetic toward it. It is not terminal! TALK to her. Get deep and ask her about the orgasms she has. Ask her about the best sex she ever had, what was it like... Tell her what you want. Tell her how you want to see her in ecstasy! It is all about connection and letting go with each other. I bet she has hangups that you don't even realize. You can work them out together! It could bring you closer and sex could be better than ever!

[Orlando]

It sounds to me like she isn't as sexual as you are. I don't think there is such a thing as the right "fit" IMO, I really think no matter who you are with you have to find your niche. You said she thinks things are fine with her but what about you? Did you tell her how you feel. That you feel like she is going through the motions and wants to get it over with? Does she have orgasms? I just wonder if she is one of these women who has never really enjoyed sex to the fullest and has become apathetic toward it. It is not terminal! TALK to her. Get deep and ask her about the orgasms she has. Ask her about the best sex she ever had, what was it like... Tell her what you want. Tell her how you want to see her in ecstasy! It is all about connection and letting go with each other. I bet she has hangups that you don't even realize. You can work them out together! It could bring you closer and sex could be better than ever!

Thank all of you all for taking the time to think about the problem I posted. To answer your questions, she talks about being very sexual in other relationships. (In her last relationship they had sex every day.) With me, she seems interested about twice a month. When we do have sex she has incredible orgasms most times - they seem to go on forever.

The thing is, I not only want sex more often, I want HER to want it more often. That may be too much to ask. I know it takes a lot to get her going and I know she worries about that. I wanted to give her oral once and she said, "No, it might take half an hour." As if that was a bad thing! You are probably right, she has hangups that I don't realize. I think she has an attitude that men just need to get off now and then and it's her job as a woman to be there as the facilitator or vessel or something - that sex isn't really for her enjoyment except on certain occasions. I don't like that. As I said, she is happy to get me off, but it isn't very pleasurable to me if I feel like I'm just being serviced. If she isn't interested in it for her own pleasure then I really rather not do it. One the other hand, I very much enjoy going down on her, getting her off, and then falling asleep with my head on her tummy. I don't know, the more I think about this the more confused I get.

[sun_flower969]

I know it takes a lot to get her going and I know she worries about that. I wanted to give her oral once and she said, "No, it might take half an hour." As if that was a bad thing! You are probably right, she has hangups that I don't realize. I think she has an attitude that men just need to get off now and then and it's her job as a woman to be there as the facilitator or vessel or something - that sex isn't really for her enjoyment except on certain occasions. I don't like that. As I said, she is happy to get me off, but it isn't very pleasurable to me if I feel like I'm just being serviced. If she isn't interested in it for her own pleasure then I really rather not do it. One the other hand, I very much enjoy going down on her, getting her off, and then falling asleep with my head on her tummy. I don't know, the more I think about this the more confused I get.

I think this is common and that some of the other women could relate here also. I used to feel guilty that I took so long to orgasm. In my head I was afraid he was getting bored or frustrated and it would ruin my mood. One thing he did though as he was heading south one time I stopped him and said, "No it's ok..." he knocked my hands away and said, "I want to, I want to taste you..." Well who was I to argue! Let me tell you it did not take me long that time! I think if you express your desire to give her pleasure verbally it could help. Of course you may already be doing this, IDK. I am different now than before, it takes a lot of letting go. Hangups are hard to shake. I hope you can get her to let go a bit and that this helps!

[vanilla_bean]

I think this is common and that some of the other women could relate here also. I used to feel guilty that I took so long to orgasm. In my head I was afraid he was getting bored or frustrated and it would ruin my mood.

So I'm not the only one!

Orlando, just because she was having frequent, adventurous sex before doesn't mean that she didn't feel the same way or have the same hangups then. She may actually be more comfortable with you. Hang ups are really hard to overcome. Some make it and some don't. Does she really understand how much your suffering because of this lack of intimacy? It's important to differentiate so that she doesn't feel like you're just pressuring her for more sex. This is a tough issue. Hope you can work things out.

[Tyger]

Thank all of you all for taking the time to think about the problem I posted. To answer your questions, she talks about being very sexual in other relationships. (In her last relationship they had sex every day.) With me, she seems interested about twice a month. When we do have sex she has incredible orgasms most times - they seem to go on forever.

The thing is, I not only want sex more often, I want HER to want it more often. That may be too much to ask. I know it takes a lot to get her going and I know she worries about that. I wanted to give her oral once and she said, "No, it might take half an hour." As if that was a bad thing! You are probably right, she has hangups that I don't realize. I think she has an attitude that men just need to get off now and then and it's her job as a woman to be there as the facilitator or vessel or something - that sex isn't really for her enjoyment except on certain occasions. I don't like that. As I said, she is happy to get me off, but it isn't very pleasurable to me if I feel like I'm just being serviced. If she isn't interested in it for her own pleasure then I really rather not do it. One the other hand, I very much enjoy going down on her, getting her off, and then falling asleep with my head on her tummy. I don't know, the more I think about this the more confused I get.

Ok, I wanted to see your response, after reading your original post before I responded.

Your first post you said that you're BOTH not comfortable with sex, and it seems like you're BOTH no really into it, with each other. I honestly don't think this is just HER issue. I think it's the BOTH of you. You both seem to find sex a chore, with each other. Chances are it's because neither of you are really trying to enjoy it. It's something couples do, have sex, and so that's what you're BOTH doing, because it's expected of you. YOu said yourself that with her, you count every minute, where with other lovers, you had time fly on you! She use to be extremely sexual with others, and now isn't with you. So this shows us, and should you as well, that it's a relationship thing between the 2 of you, and probably not an internal issue emotionally.

OF COURSE she isn't going to want to have sex more often. If she 1) can't orgasm, 2) senses that you're really not into it (just going thru the motions), and 3) doesn't love you or feel love back from you. One, or a combination of things, will definitely hinder BOTH of you enjoying sex. You even said that it's really no fun for you because you just feel you're being serviced. Most women can't get off, with a lover, if there's an emotional connection. In none of your posts do I see that you love each other.

I have to agree with Mikayla here, it's a GOOD thing that y'all aren't married! From the tones of your posts, it sounds like, and I could be wrong here, that you are staying together, just so you both won't be alone, and since you portray yourself as a couple to the outside world, then you're just going thru a series relationship-motions, including physically having sex. Emotionally, it sounds as if you BOTH are lacking in that area. You're having sex, but you are NOT making love. With lovers and people in trusting, loving relationships, yes, you will have ups and downs, but NOT be emotionally detatched, as you stated that the both of you are in this relationship. IMHO, your relationship sounds like a stepping stone, or even a "rebound" type situation.

Only the BOTH of you can either fix it, or move on to better things. But, this sort of situation won't go away or get better on its own. Good luck.

[synirr]

I'm afraid I can't offer much in the way of advice, but I definitely can attest to the phenomenon of sexual incompatibility! I've had absolutely fantastic sex with someone I hated, and not-so-good sex with someone who is a great person and who I get along with just fine! I know it's not him, his current GF has told me herself that they have great sex (multiple orgasms for her, even) and I don't doubt it for a second; his tastes and style were just not compatible with mine. I dunno... maybe something like that could be fixed with work and time, but I'm kind of skeptical.

[Orlando]

I'm afraid I can't offer much in the way of advice, but I definitely can attest to the phenomenon of sexual incompatibility! I've had absolutely fantastic sex with someone I hated, and not-so-good sex with someone who is a great person and who I get along with just fine! I know it's not him, his current GF has told me herself that they have great sex (multiple orgasms for her, even) and I don't doubt it for a second; his tastes and style were just not compatible with mine. I dunno... maybe something like that could be fixed with work and time, but I'm kind of skeptical.

This brings up a good question. What is the difference between not-so-good sex and fantastic sex? I'll bet everyone has a different answer. It would be interesting to see what everyone says.

[Orlando]

Ok, I wanted to see your response, after reading your original post before I responded.

Your first post you said that you're BOTH not comfortable with sex, and it seems like you're BOTH no really into it, with each other. I honestly don't think this is just HER issue. I think it's the BOTH of you. You both seem to find sex a chore, with each other. Chances are it's because neither of you are really trying to enjoy it. It's something couples do, have sex, and so that's what you're BOTH doing, because it's expected of you. YOu said yourself that with her, you count every minute, where with other lovers, you had time fly on you! She use to be extremely sexual with others, and now isn't with you. So this shows us, and should you as well, that it's a relationship thing between the 2 of you, and probably not an internal issue emotionally.

OF COURSE she isn't going to want to have sex more often. If she 1) can't orgasm, 2) senses that you're really not into it (just going thru the motions), and 3) doesn't love you or feel love back from you. One, or a combination of things, will definitely hinder BOTH of you enjoying sex. You even said that it's really no fun for you because you just feel you're being serviced. Most women can't get off, with a lover, if there's an emotional connection. In none of your posts do I see that you love each other.

I have to agree with Mikayla here, it's a GOOD thing that y'all aren't married! From the tones of your posts, it sounds like, and I could be wrong here, that you are staying together, just so you both won't be alone, and since you portray yourself as a couple to the outside world, then you're just going thru a series relationship-motions, including physically having sex. Emotionally, it sounds as if you BOTH are lacking in that area. You're having sex, but you are NOT making love. With lovers and people in trusting, loving relationships, yes, you will have ups and downs, but NOT be emotionally detatched, as you stated that the both of you are in this relationship. IMHO, your relationship sounds like a stepping stone, or even a "rebound" type situation.

Only the BOTH of you can either fix it, or move on to better things. But, this sort of situation won't go away or get better on its own. Good luck.

Wow. I think I miscommunicated a bit here.

I do think I said she has good orgasms about every time we have sex. I do my best to make sure she gets off almost every time (like 90%). Sex is never a chore for me. I did say I'm aware of the time and what I'm doing - I don't get completely lost in it the way I have in the past - but I do enjoy every minute of pleasuring her, she has a great body and turns me on to no end. But how do I take it when she doesn't want to be pleasured very often and seems uncomfortable with it? It may be all in my head, because she DOES have orgasms - she's told me she's had the most incredible orgasms with me that she's ever had. I got a little bullet vibrator from this web site for her and we used once and she went wild! I thought she was having a seizure! But we used it that once and she has never mentioned it again.

We DO seem emotionally detached when having sex. And she DOES refer to it as "having sex" - she'll say, "Do you want sex this morning?" Not, "Let's make love this morning." It's so weird because our relationship otherwise is wonderful. We have fun together, bike, hike, travel together and we have wonderful sensuous evenings that don't lead to sex, we read to each other, and enjoy just talking.

I'm sure part of the problem is me. That's mostly why I'm here, to get advice on how I can better understand her (yeah, and doing some venting of my frustrations too). Part of the problem may be that she was born and raised in a different country. She's been here for 35 years, but she may still have different attitudes toward sex. Thanks

[Orlando]

We talked. Finally. Found out there are huge differences in the way my SO and I think about sex, and that is the root of the problem I talked about in the beginning of this thread. For me, sex is a central part of a romantic relationship. It's a bonding experience that enhances the relationship and brings the couple together. It is a way of expressing love. For her, sex is more of a service you provide to each other. Expressing love, to her, is done differently. One example she gave me is being in bed naked together and holding each other and NOT having sex (OK, that's about the weirdest way of expressing your love for someone that I've ever heard of - am I nuts?).

So all this time I've been expecting her to show some interest making love in a romantic, emotional setting and she hasn't been on the same page at all. She's been expecting me to say, "Turn over I want sex now." I've always heard the direct approach like that turned women off so I didn't take it. Neither one of us was getting our expectations met so neither of us was happy.

I'm going to try to work this out. We talked about what good sex would be like for her which, for one example, would be me calling from the office and telling her I'm up for sex, coming home for lunch, doing it, and going back to work. For me it would be candlelight and some music - the usual American romantic ideal.

I'm going to miss romantic love making. I may miss it so much that I finally end this relationship and start over. Hate to do it, I've put so much into this so far.

[whitefang2002]

wow......i would hate to see the world lose a romantic. I always say the world needs more of them!!!!! This is surpising to me in some way....but everyone has their preference.....if you saying right now that you don't think you can give it up.......then you have to ask yourself....are you going to be happy then? Are you going to enjoy sex the way she wants it? You should both be happy...not one or the other.

[mystofpric]

We talked. Finally. Found out there are huge differences in the way my SO and I think about sex, and that is the root of the problem I talked about in the beginning of this thread. For me, sex is a central part of a romantic relationship. It's a bonding experience that enhances the relationship and brings the couple together. It is a way of expressing love. For her, sex is more of a service you provide to each other. Expressing love, to her, is done differently. One example she gave me is being in bed naked together and holding each other and NOT having sex (OK, that's about the weirdest way of expressing your love for someone that I've ever heard of - am I nuts?).

So all this time I've been expecting her to show some interest making love in a romantic, emotional setting and she hasn't been on the same page at all. She's been expecting me to say, "Turn over I want sex now." I've always heard the direct approach like that turned women off so I didn't take it. Neither one of us was getting our expectations met so neither of us was happy.

I'm going to try to work this out. We talked about what good sex would be like for her which, for one example, would be me calling from the office and telling her I'm up for sex, coming home for lunch, doing it, and going back to work. For me it would be candlelight and some music - the usual American romantic ideal.

I'm going to miss romantic love making. I may miss it so much that I finally end this relationship and start over. Hate to do it, I've put so much into this so far.

Okay wait, i'm confused. You finially talk and things make sense, there is a way to work with what's going on here, but because she doesn't feel like bring out candles and rose petals everytime your ready to leave? Have you tried the really soft romantic set-up? I mean maybe she doesn't know what she's missing? And I have to say while I would love candle light and music once in a while (2 or three times a year tops or it would lose it's charm for me) I'm kinda a drop trou and go type of a girl. I like sex. I enjoy making love. But nothing beats just plain old bumping and grinding. You can have an emotional connection with someone during sex without the frilly stuff you know. talking, kissing, and looking your partner in the eye are the most romantic things you can do during sex, IMHO.

[ManofHerdreams]

This brings up a good question. What is the difference between not-so-good sex and fantastic sex? I'll bet everyone has a different answer. It would be interesting to see what everyone says.

Not-so-good sex is when you lie there afterwards and think that was OK.

Fantastic sex is when you lie there afterwards and can't even think!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ohshelly]

Not-so-good sex is when you lie there afterwards and think that was OK.

Fantastic sex is when you lie there afterwards and can't even think!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amen!! Sometimes it takes awhile for my eyesight to return to normal. Everything is blurred.

Does this happen to anybody else??

[Orlando]

Not-so-good sex is when you lie there afterwards and think that was OK.

Fantastic sex is when you lie there afterwards and can't even think!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amen!! Sometimes it takes awhile for my eyesight to return to normal. Everything is blurred.

Does this happen to anybody else??

It used to when I was with my wife. I miss it.