I F'ed Up

[CaliStar]

I screwed up and just dont know wht to do or say...

two weeks ago... let me start over

I am 24 (25 in Dec) married, have a beautiful 7 month old daughter, SAHM, Doxie breeder, Nov will be my 3 yr anniversary... I have been with my husband for 5 years now... On my wedding day and before that my family kept telling me to back out, you see, his family or the males in his family are very headstrong arrogant and only care about #1, when we met he was wonderful and we had great conversations, I've never been phyically attracted to him and rarely am "pleased" by him sexually, but we got married and planned on NOT having kids Our relationship has beend a roller coaster at Magic Mountian, we've had our ups and downs roommates have thrown us thru the loop many times his family has sent us jolting backwards MANY times... last year well Dec. 2006 he went to GA to help his uncle remodel a rundown house, his uncle promised him $25k for his time and work, right before he left though I asked my parnets to loan us $25k so that we could start up his Pool service and Maintenance & Remodeling CO. Well after working for his uncle for 4 months and never getting paid a dime actually we loaned 1/2 the money borrowed from my parents to fund the remodel... his uncle told im he wasnt going to pay him and he hadnt planned on paying him the entire time. So I flew out there and we drove home from GA to CA together, had a wonderful time together, it was almost like when we had first gotten together. Things stayed like that until May... in May his sister moved out of our house that is owned by his parents... Oh the money that my parents loaned us ws fully gone by then because I had to pay all the bills and all the credit cards they had run up while out there and Pay the $2300 for the rent... no his sister NEVER paid a dime to anything. So she moved out and a guy moved in... a slob dead beat smoker who reaked of alcohol. Hubby's Dad asked him to come back and work for him running all his jobs that he'd put on hold for what ever reason he wants to say the story changes all the time.

Our life was a little hectic and being seperated from him for 4 months was really like re-getting to know him he completely changed. In June (6/3/07 to be exact) we got into a huge huge fight. I wanted to leave I was so hurt by being called worthless and everything else that he said I just wanted to go... but like always whn ever we had a fight he would come back 1hr later and say something that would make me stay. the following day he got one me again about being worthless and just completely idoitic... we went to bed and didnt say a thing. On 6/5/07 I came to my sences and then realized that I had missed my period in May which never happens to me (I take BC) after he left for work I ran to the store and bought a test... sure enough I was PG... I felt like a deer watching a bullet fly towards me my heart raced but I could move... shocked like you would not believe I told two people my mom and my friend at work... they knew about he fghts we had... the rest of that week I got "blow" after "blow" from my hubby about how worthless and dumb I was and how I should be kissing the ground he walked on because no man would want a f'ed up woman like I am no an would ever want to love me because I had no brain...after dealing with that for a week I finally told him, I wrote him a letter and put it in 5 envelopes with the test in the smallest envelope. Surprisingly everything changed... I told him he had the decision either we stay together and keep it or I was leaving. Of course I wouldnt get rid of it, but if I left he would have no part in the baby's life and he knew that. But ever since that week my love for him has gone, I still love him but only because I have been with him for 5 years.

Our daughter was born in january, perfect and beautiful as she is I sometimes resent her because I stayed more because I do everything now...I guess I shouldnt say I resent my child because I dont... I resent the fact that I do everything for her I dont have a problem with that of course I dont expect her to bath and feed clothe herself, I resent my husband for not helping me do anything at all. My daughter is my whole life, even when I get angry I look at her and am not mad anylonger. I just... after having her I dsid go thru post padrum depression but never got help for it, hubby said it was all in my head and that I should get over myself that I was just making excuses.

he finally after 7 months has for the first time changed her diaper because I told him he was being childish. Well in April of this year our old roommie moved out and a new one moved in... he was a childhood friend of my hubby's ... and thats when all the resent for my husband balled up and I found myself attracted to his friend, phyically. There are so many things we have in common... hubby and I have had 8 fights in the past 3 months and the second to last one was because of the friend... I had talked to him and he told me I should tell hubby how I felt and why I had such resent ment for him ... I did and I wanted to pack up and leave but just like before he said something that made me stay... what really made me stay was my daughter, my mom raised me by her self until I was 3 she married the most wonderful man who loves me as much as his own daughter(my little sister).

I know I know I can make it on my own but I get a sinking feeling in my heart when I think about leaving him now. Well 2 weeks ago our roommie asked me to give him a bj in the most coy of ways and I gave in... sadly because I knew he has a large member and my hubby's well lets just say that I have small hands and when he is hard he fits in my hand from the width of my palm... roomie is 2.5 x hubby's size... I made him cum in 30 sec both times and was really wanting to have sex with him and still did until a couple days ago. Alone again yesterday with roomie I talked to him and knowing that it was a stupid thing what we had done ...to be continued

Edited to add...

When I talked to my roomie the other day it was because he had started being a complete ass to me, which is fine I probably deserved it, I asked him why when I would ask him a question he wouldnt respond to me. I have been the same as I was before it happened still cleaned his room did his laundry cooked food for him so why was he so stand offish... his answer was that he didnt want me texting him because it is evidence...my texts to him were about his clothes... and if he wanted to go walk with me since we both walk every night after dinner and hubby doesnt like when I walk when the sun sets... he said that me texing him will lead my hubby to suspision... VER BADUM quoted from my Husband " I dont care what you do, I know youre going to do what you want... I think it's cute that "he" gets his panties in a twist over worring what I will say to him... I dont care if you text him its the easiest way for you to talk to him so why would I care" there was more but... anyway, roomie said that he didnt know what gave hime the balls to get me to do what I did, "Guys just dont think a lot of the time". I guess I was living a fantasy that day I had a dream about him when we frist met and the whole day played like my dream.

I do love my husband... as I said he is all I've known for the past 5 years... and he loves me "thats why {I} do so much for you" I get to stay a home with the baby and the dogs, I cook and clean and everyday when he comes home I have a smile on my face and a drink in my hand. I breed as a hobby and hopefully one day will actually get to start showing like I have wanted, lst year my dogs brought in $12k on top of my full time job, but non of that money went to savings it all got spent on his hobbies... one to not be mentioned, 2- to his boat, 3- to golfing, 4- to hunting, 5 to his tools and truck...

I guess my resentment really lies in myself because I never did anything I wanted to do before having a child... when I turned 21 I never went and partied ass, for my birthday my mom took me to vegas and my friend came along we ended up doing everything she wanted because it was her first time there too, I know it sounds dumb but I have never gone and got stupid drunk never did a drug in my life, i've had sex with a couple different guys prior to meeting the hubby all of whom were much MUCH more pleasing, and a lot of the time I feel like I've setteled for second best. When we met I had just ended a long relationship well... I caught him cheating on me... ironic right... we were engaged and had just put a deposit on a place together... every penny that I earned went to that place and I lost it all, I was completely broken and my husband was like a knight in shining armor and came to "mended" my broken heart but while doing so mentally would put me down to make me think I had found the best guy I would ever get... thats why I married him... I even had doubts on my wedding day but my MOH handed me a glass of wine and told me it was just the butterflies all women get it. I should have payed attention to the signs we had 4 pastors back out on us one was my cousin... I had to go on the internet the day before our wedding and find a pastor. But I felt like I would be letting everyone down if I backed out especially my parents because they spent $20k on my wedding.

My bigest problem is ... I cant just do something... I have to have someone tell me what to do... I have wanted to go see a counsler but I have no insurance and hubby thinks they are a waste of time. I've always had people telling me what to do and everytime I do something on my own i feel like I am doing it wrong or what I am doing is a waste of time or I would get looked down on for doing what ever it was... just like my carreer... I gave up on that because he didnt like that I had to work nights and weekends ... I was a chef, had I not married him I would be a sou chef at a very high end hotel and be making $90k a year. LOL I guess that is why I posted here... *tears in my eyes* I just want someone to tell me what to do how to fix what I did... I want a non biasses party to just be honest with me and tell me what I really should do... should I leave my husband whom I have spent 5 years with and love because I have been with him for so long (yes I know many of you have been with your spouses for20+ years and I congradulate you) but I knwI would and will just end up like his mother always being told to "Shut up"and that I dont know what I am talking about... should I talk him into going to a marriage cousnlor...what do I do... Im not asking for pitty andI dont mind blunt or down right rude, he has been telling me what to do for the past 5 years and that is all I know any more, anytime I try to think for myself I get shot down. I do want to work on it and have wanted to but since I f'ed up I just feel lost... I want someone to hug me but I want someone to slap me ... I always tell my mom everything she is my best friend but I just cant bring myself to tell her this... I want so badly to tell him but Im scared to loose him and start all over... I've watched my cousin struggle with raising her daughter since she was 2 yrs old and she is misrable I dont want to turn out like her...

I forgot to add the main reason why it has been such a hard decision... on top of his uncle screwing us and him working for his father...and not getting paid... we have completely ruined our credit and the only option is filing for CH 7 bankruptcy... I will loose everything my car and any chance I have of starting over because I have looked at the options of moving, I will have to restart in a different place, I couldnt start over here its way too expensive but how do I move away from my family...

[Tyger]

Wow!! Quite a informational post there.

First, what bugs me, as a mother, is that you said that your baby is perfect, but you sometimes resent HER for making you stay with your hubby. Let me set the record straight: SHE had no "input" as far as you staying with her Daddy. YOU did that, all on your own. There are PLENTY of single parents out there that do just fine, even if they have to get state aide, ask for family help, are alone, or have a network of friends to help. YOU chose to say. Please try to get that thought out of your head cuz it's NOT her fault for staying, own it.

If your husband was a "man's man" as people told you he is, he would've stood up to his family for taking advantage of him, and not paying him for the work he did, and for not repaying y'all for the loan. His father sounds like a manipulator, and that he passed on to his son as well. I've found that family & neighbors will screw you over the worst...until you take a stand for what's duly yours.

You can only only tolerate someone so long calling you worthless, stupid, and whatnot. So, yes, I don't blame you for getting sick and tired of it. You hear that long enough, you believe it. That's really not a great environment for any child, girl or boy, to grow up in. It either makes them think that their mother is a waste, stupid, or that THEY are. Maybe both.

BTW, if a man is a TRUE man, he wouldn't WANT you to idolize him, kiss the ground he walks on, or worship him. TRUE marriages, soul mates, lovers, partners want you to LOVE them for who they are, respect them, and be there for them, AND do the same for you too!!! NO MAN is worthy of a woman grovelling at his feet......NONE! A true man knows this, and will respect you for that. In a TRUE relationship, you don't LOOSE yourself as a person, but grow, learn, and love. If your husband only changes when he knows your pregnant, I'm doubting that he will stay all nicey nice, but probably revert back to his old habits after a while, without some serious counselling. I've seen waaaaaaaaaay too many couples go thru this kind of stuff, and then it turns violent (especially with control freaks for spouses).

Staying with someone JUST because you have children rarely works out. People build up resentment, end up hating themselves, their spouses, and yes, as you've found out, even their kids. However, you have a child with him, and a new one on the way. And you telling him that if he doesn't change his attitude, where it's good for YOU, the man does have rights, as the father, which, if you threaten him & his parental rights, can turn a seperation/divorce very, very nasty. Sure, stand up for yourself, but, using kids as leverage, well, again, it's my opinion, such as it is, and it's just NOT the greatest idea.

Throw in your adultery, and you've definitely thrown another problem into the mix. It sounds like, from your post, that you are not use to saying NO to men in general. You have always seemed to give in. There is NOTHING wrong with telling a man to go to hell, trust me. If this "roommate" was any sort of a decent man, knowing that you're vulnerable...I'm sorry, but he's just someone else taking advantage of you, IMHO. You should tell him to get the hell out of the house. He is NOT helping you at all. He just wants an easy BJ/lay.

I can't say I'm sorry that this comes across as blunt, because I'm a person that prefers the direct approach. Again, these are soley statements based on MY personal views AND experiences. I wish you and your kids the best.

[angelkisses98]

sounds like you didn't really want to marry him in the first place....if you do not love him...do not stay, bottom line. my ex was emotionally and mentally abusive, and trust me, it does NOT help the child to see this. the fact that you gave some guy oral sex should tell you all you need to know right there...

if some guy asked me to give him oral sex, knowing that i was married i would have beat his ass! that guy has no respect for you, your husband, or the kindness shown to him buy letting him stay there.

that being said...i could NEVER cheat on my husband...bottom line. and yes, your situation is different that the one im in right now...BUT, i have been in a marriage where i didn't want to be...prob after the first year i realized that, hell prob. the first 6mths...and yes, there have been times where men, knowing i was married asked me out..and no, i never did anything.

bottom line....you need to suck it up and get out.

[Mikayla1]

Tyger said it all...puuurrfectly!

I am always amazed at people who stay in bad or loveless marriages 'for the kids' when it is actually hurting the kids more to stay. I rarely jump to this conclusion over one post, but it sounds to me like you need to get out of that marriage.

[ladylove]

Life is to short to be unhappy. Staying in a bad marriage will only make you hard, bitter and miserable in the long run, which will not be a horrible example to your daughter and you unborn child... What are you teaching your daughter about her roll as a women. Would you want your children to have the same life you do? How can you expect your children to ever be happy is you yourself aren't and can't be? Are you cheating on your husband so he finds out and leaves you, so you don't have to make the choice?

Decide what you want, what will make you happy and what's best for you. That will intern be what is best for your children.

A) If you decide leaving your husband is best for you, rebuild your self esteem, and your life. Only you know what the the decision is. It won't be easy and there will be some days that you will defiantly question the decisions you make/made, but keep your chin up and keep going because there will also be a day when you look back and know with clarity you have made the right choice.

B.) If staying with your husband is what you decide, figure out how to be happy and content, work on your relationship and don't be a martyr. Try to be the best wife, partner and mother you can be. If that doesn't work........

What ever your choice is I wish you luck and strength!

You are so young, you have so much time ahead of you....... LIFE IS WORTH LOVING!!!!

[sun_flower969]

Life is to short to be unhappy. Staying in a bad marriage will only make you hard, bitter and miserable in the long run, which will not be a horrible example to your daughter and you unborn child... What are you teaching your daughter about her roll as a women. Would you want your children to have the same life you do? How can you expect your children to ever be happy is you yourself aren't and can't be? Are you cheating on your husband so he finds out and leaves you, so you don't have to make the choice?

Decide what you want, what will make you happy and what's best for you. That will in turn be what is best for your children.

A) If you decide leaving your husband is best for you, rebuild your self esteem, and your life. Only you know what the the decision is. It won't be easy and there will be some days that you will defiantly question the decisions you make/made, but keep your chin up and keep going because there will also be a day when you look back and know with clarity you have made the right choice.

If staying with your husband is what you decide, figure out how to be happy and content, work on your relationship and don't be a martyr. Try to be the best wife, partner and mother you can be. If that doesn't work........

What ever your choice is I wish you luck and strength!

You are so young, you have so much time ahead of you....... LIFE IS WORTH LOVING!!!!

Ditto that! Start looking into what you can do. Do you want to fix it, then go to counseling. Do you want out, then go to a lawyer. Don't waste your life. Get the info that's all I'm sayin'.

[pappyld04]

I believe just about everything has been covered by the other posters here. I just want to say that the longer you stay with him the situation will get worse. Your baby doesn't need this and has done nothing other than being born so resenting her is a horrid thing! Your resentment is wrongly directed at her!!!!!!!!

[angelkisses98]

oh, i just wanted to add, that ...you should never look at your little girl and resent her...look at it this way...your hubby may be an ass, but that little girl you have is the BEST part of him, and the best thing he could have ever given you.

my son is the BEST thing i ever got from my ex. and theres an extremely high chance he may be my only one. so cherish her

[ohshelly]

I agree with angelkisses.

I was in a unfulfilling marriage for 28 years, but I DON'T regret the three beautiful children that we had.

We made some amazing children.

They are a gift, cherish them.

My step daughter has a 3 year old boy and is 6 months pregnant with another. She is getting out of an abusive marriage.

When she learned she was pregnant, she cried and asked why God was sending her a baby now, the timing was so bad.

She is an excellent mother and has full support of her mom, stepdad, Sweetguy and I.

We told her every baby is a blessing, and it really helped turn her attitude around.

Sure, she has her tough days dealing with the divorce, but we have a new baby to prepare for and love.

How can that be a bad thing??!

Love your chidren and give them a good life. You all deserve that.

If that means going thru with a divorce, you can do it.

[pappyld04]

She is an excellent mother and has full support of her mom, stepdad, Sweetguy and I.

We told her every baby is a blessing, and it really helped turn her attitude around.

This says a lot to me at least. I wonder how many kids have this kind of support behind them?!?!?!?!!

[sass]

I agree with angelkisses.

I was in a unfulfilling marriage for 28 years, but I DON'T regret the three beautiful children that we had.

We made some amazing children.

They are a gift, cherish them.

My step daughter has a 3 year old boy and is 6 months pregnant with another. She is getting out of an abusive marriage.

When she learned she was pregnant, she cried and asked why God was sending her a baby now, the timing was so bad.

She is an excellent mother and has full support of her mom, stepdad, Sweetguy and I.

We told her every baby is a blessing, and it really helped turn her attitude around.

Sure, she has her tough days dealing with the divorce, but we have a new baby to prepare for and love.

How can that be a bad thing??!

Love your chidren and give them a good life. You all deserve that.

If that means going thru with a divorce, you can do it.

Wow! Great post. So many people in a situation like this would think they were the only one. Thank you for sharing. It is the willingness to discuss these things here that makes this site and everyone on it so great. As different as we all are, we are also very similar.

[CaliStar]

Wow!! Quite a informational post there.

First, what bugs me, as a mother, is that you said that your baby is perfect, but you sometimes resent HER for making you stay with your hubby. Let me set the record straight: SHE had no "input" as far as you staying with her Daddy. YOU did that, all on your own. There are PLENTY of single parents out there that do just fine, even if they have to get state aide, ask for family help, are alone, or have a network of friends to help. YOU chose to say. Please try to get that thought out of your head cuz it's NOT her fault for staying, own it.

.

I apoligize I edited to say what I meant... I do not resent my daughter ... yes I did choose to stay because he will make my life hell if I leave and everyone is right she is the best thing that has happened to me ... if I leave him I will still have to deal with him for the next 18 years... I would like to work on my marriage I just dont know how to after doing what I did, honestly if I could bring myelf to do it I would like to just disappear I dont want my daughter to grow up in a loveless marriage and I dont want her to know that I did the stupidest thing I could have ever done... I know it could have been worse I could have actually had sex and continued to but it was the one day thing... and still I just... my husband andI dont keep secrets and this is killing me to not tell him and beg for forgivness... yes part of me did it because I do want out I am tired of everything that he says to me... I want him to have a more active role in his daughter up bringing but he is too busy playing golf and going hunting and doing all his hobbies while I stay home and raise her and clean up after him the roommate, his dog, the roommate's dog, make sure they have B,L & D, clean clothes a clean house everyime they walk into the door, a full bottle of rum waiting for them so they can relax, ... yes I do pull my weight no I dont have a job where I make money I have a 24/7/365 job of caring for him, our baby and our roommate... evey penny that i "make" from my dogs goe to his "other" hobby and funds what ever ... that he will get to make more money on.

[pappyld04]

I apoligize I edited to say what I meant... I do not resent my daughter ... yes I did choose to stay because he will make my life hell if I leave and everyone is right she is the best thing that has happened to me ... if I leave him I will still have to deal with him for the next 18 years... I would like to work on my marriage I just dont know how to after doing what I did, honestly if I could bring myelf to do it I would like to just disappear I dont want my daughter to grow up in a loveless marriage and I dont want her to know that I did the stupidest thing I could have ever done... I know it could have been worse I could have actually had sex and continued to but it was the one day thing... and still I just... my husband andI dont keep secrets and this is killing me to not tell him and beg for forgivness... yes part of me did it because I do want out I am tired of everything that he says to me... I want him to have a more active role in his daughter up bringing but he is too busy playing golf and going hunting and doing all his hobbies while I stay home and raise her and clean up after him the roommate, his dog, the roommate's dog, make sure they have B,L & D, clean clothes a clean house everyime they walk into the door, a full bottle of rum waiting for them so they can relax, ... yes I do pull my weight no I dont have a job where I make money I have a 24/7/365 job of caring for him, our baby and our roommate... evey penny that i "make" from my dogs goe to his "other" hobby and funds what ever ... that he will get to make more money on.

Cali there is nothing that this man cna do to you that you haven't already thought of. Just my opinion here but if you want to stay then ALL of this BS needs to come out and work must be done. You seem to be seeking approval and love in all the wrong ways. FUCK THE BS WITH THE ROOMY! He is dragging you down and that is all he seems to be doing. To hell with the rum until all your clouds are cleared. You DO NOT want a drunk idiot when you come out with this stuff. I'm sure there is more that he needs to tell you on top of this but I'm only gathering from what you have posted here. EVERY person on this planet has skeletons in their closet and you are no different. How you deal with them is what will make you stand out!

[pappyld04]

You need to worry about physical abuse. I don't mean to scare you but Google "wife abuse" you made need an escape plan.

This tidbit should be in the article section also!

[ohshelly]

Just for clarification:

My step kids have different moms.

Stepdaughter is 34 and has a wonderful mom. She is married to an equally nice man.

Stepson is 22 and has a selfish, self centered mom who still gets a thrill of trying to make my guys miserable.

She is still on her own and BITTER, although she wanted the divorce.

Go figure.

[Tyger]

I know I know I can make it on my own but I get a sinking feeling in my heart when I think about leaving him now.

No, I really don't think that you KNOW that you can make it on your own. You have admitted to staying with your hubby because of a child.

Edited to add...

When I talked to my roomie the other day it was because he had started being a complete ass to me, which is fine I probably deserved it, I asked him why when I would ask him a question he wouldnt respond to me. I have been the same as I was before it happened still cleaned his room did his laundry cooked food for him so why was he so stand offish... his answer was that he didnt want me texting him because it is evidence...my texts to him were about his clothes... and if he wanted to go walk with me since we both walk every night after dinner and hubby doesnt like when I walk when the sun sets... he said that me texing him will lead my hubby to suspision...

As controlling and overbearing as your husband sounds from your post, he probably WOULD get suspicious over texting, as innocent as it may be.

VER BADUM quoted from my Husband " I dont care what you do, I know youre going to do what you want... I think it's cute that "he" gets his panties in a twist over worring what I will say to him...

Your husband is doing 2 things here, IMO. 1.) He's passing it off, so that you will do it more, and then he'll hit you (not literally) with accusastion of infidelity and make YOU look like the wrong one (maybe not even knowing that you are indeed). And 2) He finds this to be a game.

I dont care if you text him its the easiest way for you to talk to him so why would I care" there was more but... anyway, roomie said that he didnt know what gave hime the balls to get me to do what I did, "Guys just dont think a lot of the time". I guess I was living a fantasy that day I had a dream about him when we frist met and the whole day played like my dream.

I do love my husband...

Do you? Or do you feel trapped? I'm not trying to sound judgemental, however, your first initial post came across as you fearing him, and feeling trapped by staying with him. Really think about that, BEFORE you answer.

as I said he is all I've known for the past 5 years... and he loves me "thats why {I} do so much for you"

I really don't think he does that much. Yes, he may "work", but you have admitted that he's allowed his family to take advantage of him, adding to not only the stress, but financial stress of a marriage.

I get to stay a home with the baby and the dogs, I cook and clean and everyday when he comes home I have a smile on my face and a drink in my hand.

LOL!! You're a "better wife" than I am!! I'm a SAHM too, and I bust my ass all over the house, barn, with the assortment of critters we have. Hubby's gone a week at a time, and when HE comes home, he thinks his week off should mean TOTALLY off. I never get a day off, nor does he help me around the house. He's lucky I pass him his soda (which is usually right behind him)!

I breed as a hobby and hopefully one day will actually get to start showing like I have wanted, lst year my dogs brought in $12k on top of my full time job, but non of that money went to savings it all got spent on his hobbies... one to not be mentioned, 2- to his boat, 3- to golfing, 4- to hunting, 5 to his tools and truck...

Where you are married, you should also have a say where all the money is going. Yes, usually there is one person that is in charge of the bill paying, however, sharing the financial resposibilities as well as the benifits is not only smart, but helps make BOTH spouses aware of how the family's doing. Finances are usually the #1 thing that families have issues with, so you are NOT alone.

Please remember, (to be fair to your husband's side), that if you become a reputable breeder, there are costs with that too. Vets, feeding, care, advertising. You may not see that, but it's there.

I guess my resentment really lies in myself because I never did anything I wanted to do before having a child... when I turned 21 I never went and partied ass, for my birthday my mom took me to vegas and my friend came along we ended up doing everything she wanted because it was her first time there too,

Everyone has regrets. It sounds like you've been able to have some sort of career in the past, which can faaaaaaaaaaaar outweigh any party-life. However, if you allow people to steer you in life (like you said your mother did, and now your husband is too), you really can't complain if you don't do stuff to try and change it!!

I know it sounds dumb but I have never gone and got stupid drunk never did a drug in my life,

It's not stupid or dumb...it's called being responsible. Now, I've gotten drunk, but NEVER have I done any sort of drugs. I've never smoked cigarrettes. Contact highs, yes, but no direct drugs! It's something to be proud of!!!

i've had sex with a couple different guys prior to meeting the hubby all of whom were much MUCH more pleasing, and a lot of the time I feel like I've setteled for second best.

If you're TRULY in love with someone, you NEVER feel that way. They complete you. Yes, you may wish some aspects were DIFFERENT, but that's not the same as REGRETTING.

Sexual satisfaction comes in several ways, and penis size rarely comes into a big play in it. I won't lie, it DOES have some input (literally AND figuratively! LOL). But, if you are TRUE lovers, and not just "fuck buddies", you not only want to please THEM, you are also willing to learn how to please them more, and they are willing to learn how to please YOU too! No guilt, pressure, or manipulating involved.

When we met I had just ended a long relationship well... I caught him cheating on me... ironic right... we were engaged and had just put a deposit on a place together... every penny that I earned went to that place and I lost it all, I was completely broken and my husband was like a knight in shining armor and came to "mended" my broken heart but while doing so mentally would put me down to make me think I had found the best guy I would ever get... thats why I married him...

You married your rebound relationship. Most people HAVE rebound relationships. I have. However, they are rarely THE ONE that lasts. You're getting over hurts, wounds, and egos, and trying to seperate yourself from the other person.

I even had doubts on my wedding day but my MOH handed me a glass of wine and told me it was just the butterflies all women get it. I should have payed attention to the signs we had 4 pastors back out on us one was my cousin...

If you had FOUR pastors back out, then that really should've been a major indicator that others were seeing something you didn't. However, no need to really beat a dead horse. You're married, and now you gotta figure out what you need to do for YOU to be happy.

I had to go on the internet the day before our wedding and find a pastor. But I felt like I would be letting everyone down if I backed out especially my parents because they spent $20k on my wedding.

Guilt & pressure is a terrible thing. But, no matter what, and whoever is reading this, as a parent, I don't care how much I spend on my daughter, so long as SHE is happy, I don't care if I burn the money! So long as she is HAPPY. I think that most parents feel that way.

I paid for my first wedding. I should NEVER have married him. Some friends of mine actually KNEW stuff about him, and didn't tell me (which was totally out of character for them). Had I known that stuff, we never would've been married. I had feelings of doubt, too, but brushed them off to being "wedding jitters". If they honestly make you feel like running out and away, then you should be doing so! LOL

My bigest problem is ... I cant just do something... I have to have someone tell me what to do...

Yes. This is VERY apparent in your postings. You need to try and build the confidence up, and realize that YOU are in control of YOU. Nobody else can MAKE YOU happy. You have to make the opportunities to do so. Whatever they are. YOU have to make the choices. It's NO WONDER you have regrets. You are doing things that you think that will make others happy and happy WITH you. It's not a fault, per say, but if you're not happy with how things are going, then YOU will have to either do things to change it, or go with the flow and be miserable. People here, and in your life can tell you what to do. It's YOUR life, do with it what you will. Everyone wants to have things better, in some point in our lives. How are you going to be happy?

Your husband will probably argue this, but, an independantly thinking woman is NOT always a bitch. It's NOT a bad thing. There's a balance of compromising, and getting stuff done that you want. Nobody can have their way ALL the time, especially in a marriage, but you don't LOOSE yourself either.

I have wanted to go see a counsler but I have no insurance and hubby thinks they are a waste of time. I've always had people telling me what to do and everytime I do something on my own i feel like I am doing it wrong or what I am doing is a waste of time or I would get looked down on for doing what ever it was... just like my carreer... I gave up on that because he didnt like that I had to work nights and weekends ...

This was his form of control, and your desire to please. YOU need to fix this. Whether alone, or with him (though I DOUBT he'll want you to start thinking for yourself).

I was a chef, had I not married him I would be a sou chef at a very high end hotel and be making $90k a year. LOL I guess that is why I posted here... *tears in my eyes* I just want someone to tell me what to do how to fix what I did... I want a non biasses party to just be honest with me and tell me what I really should do... should I leave my husband whom I have spent 5 years with and love because I have been with him for so long (yes I know many of you have been with your spouses for20+ years and I congradulate you)

Again, everyone's going to have an opinion as to what they think you should do. But only YOU can know how things are fully, since we are NOT in your life, and only can go by what you write. Hard decisions for YOU to make. I think that your desire to please and be liked makes you avoid conflict. Life is full of conflict! What do you think you'd say your daughter were to have a life like this for herself? Would you just be passive about it as much as you are in your own life?

but I knwI would and will just end up like his mother always being told to "Shut up"and that I dont know what I am talking about...

I am willing to bet that he already does this (him calling you stupid and worthless.....). You're right. You will end up like this unless YOU do something to change it.

should I talk him into going to a marriage cousnlor...what do I do... Im not asking for pitty andI dont mind blunt or down right rude, he has been telling me what to do for the past 5 years and that is all I know any more, anytime I try to think for myself I get shot down.

He shoots you down because the more you think for yourself, the less control he has over you. Yes, he is controlling, and he likes to be the boss.

I do want to work on it and have wanted to but since I f'ed up I just feel lost... I want someone to hug me but I want someone to slap me ... I always tell my mom everything she is my best friend but I just cant bring myself to tell her this... I want so badly to tell him but Im scared to loose him and start all over... I've watched my cousin struggle with raising her daughter since she was 2 yrs old and she is misrable I dont want to turn out like her...

Darlin, life is full of struggles. Starting over is NOT that bad. Yes, there are walls you will hafta climb, but isn't your happiness, and your kid's happiness worth it? YOU are worth it!

I forgot to add the main reason why it has been such a hard decision... on top of his uncle screwing us and him working for his father...and not getting paid... we have completely ruined our credit and the only option is filing for CH 7 bankruptcy... I will loose everything my car and any chance I have of starting over because I have looked at the options of moving, I will have to restart in a different place, I couldnt start over here its way too expensive but how do I move away from my family...

This is something you will have to figure out. There are programs that you can get into (yes, I am talking state aide), classes from career centers, and so on. There is NOTHING wrong with asking for HELP! The first step is figuring out what YOU want to do, not what OTHERS WANT you to do or expect you to do.

[sass]

Tyger is right. You have to decide what you want, and then make it happen. There are assistance programs designed to help people in your situation. If fact, most programs are designed to help people exactly like you - those who just need a little help, for a little while, until they can get on their feet. Being in that field, I assure you, those who are trying to help themselves and almost feel guilty about getting assistance make the best cases.

[pappyld04]

Great breakdown Tyger!

[ohshelly]

Cali, sweetheart, Please take Tyger and everyones elses advise and get out before you or your daughter get hurt any more then you are.

This is not the life you want for your daughter or your unborn child. Don't let them grow up seeing you treated this way.

You do not have to end up like your cousin. You have a lot of positive things in your favor.

You are smart, you have a money making hobby you enjoy (your dogs) and you can also go back to being a chef after your baby is born.

YOU DON'T NEED A MAN TO MAKE A LIFE FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS!! YOU CAN DO THAT YOURSELF, KiDDO!! I promise!!

Sure, somebody special in your life is nice, but by being out and on your own, you will develop confidance in yourself and your judgement.

You want a man in your life who is attracted to the smart, confidant and independant Cali. She is there, inside you, you just need the courage to let her out.

Your husband tears you down and keeps you dependant.

Someone who truely loves you will want you to be a better, happier person. I don't see him doing that for you.

It WILL be hard, sweetie, but lots of us have done it, and we have much happier lives because of it. It was scary for me, too, but one day I woke up and realized

that I was taking care of myself, and I was doing fine.

Do you have family, your mom, maybe, (or an aunt?) who can help you get on your feet the first few months?

If you and your mom have a good relationship, I encourage you to level with her and ask for support.

You will be suprised at the places your support will come from.

The day I was served with my divorce papers I was at work. I was CRUSHED. One of my co workers, who is a sweet, funny but somewhat ditzy 20 year old was standing

next to me. She grabbed me, gave me a big hug and said "Congratulatins, Shelly. Your on your way to your new life!" She changed the way I thought about

my divorce. Who would have thought that bit of wisdon would come from spacey Traci?? I am so glad she was there.

Cali, give it some thought. Do you want to spend more of your life like the last five, or become the real Cali once again?

Sorry to lecture, but I'm a mom, and it is what I would tell one of my own daughters.

Please continue to post so we know how you are, alright?

[bman]

You should read carefully what you wrote: "I do love my husband... as I said he is all I've known for the past 5 years... and he loves me "thats why {I} do so much for you" I get to stay a home with the baby and the dogs, I cook and clean and everyday when he comes home I have a smile on my face and a drink in my hand.

My bigest problem is ... I cant just do something... I have to have someone tell me what to do... I have wanted to go see a counsler but I have no insurance and hubby thinks they are a waste of time. I've always had people telling me what to do and everytime I do something on my own i feel like I am doing it wrong"

You have confused dependence with love. You think you NEED him and that is love....WRONG>

Love is when you choose to be with someone, not HAVE to be with someone.

You have one more chance. Take your baby and build a life for yourself.

You have everything you need if you will use it.

Remember this: the easiest way to trip and fall is to be looking where you have been instead of where you are going!

[froggystyle1977]

I agree with everything Tyger said and would also like to say that from what your posting niether you nor your husband have any idea what love is. spending five years with someone does not mean you love them it just means they have taken up too much of your time, having a child with someone does not mean you love them either it just means you had sex. move on get out and stop asking random strangers opinions, talk to your mom from your point of view she is the one who can help you get out.

[triedntru]

One other thought that I haven't seen (or may have missed). Have you talked to your doctor about this, or ever been diagnosed with depression. Dealing with depression myself, I can see how you feel an inability to make a decision or do something on your own. However, you may need to look into getting on something for it. Sometimes, that will help clear your head and you realize that it IS able to be done (leaving him or at least making a decision.