Any Ideas?

[whiskeywoman]

As many of you know, I recently went through a really rough period in life.

My B/F dumped me when I was 3 months pregnant, and I was struggling to cope with the news that my unborn baby had trisomy 18, a fatal disorder.

I was given the option to terminate and declined.

Thank God I did.

On 4/7/06 I deliverd a very healthy 8 lb 8 oz baby girl.

I have contacted her father to let him know of her birth and that she was healthy, and no surprises, he never replied.

Since he admits to his current G/F (the one he dumped me for) that he is Elizabeths dad, but when contacted by the hospital he declines that hes the dad, paternity has to be established.

I KNOW hes the dad, hes the only guy I have been with in 3 years.

Yes I am aware it sounds a bit like a soap opera, but hang on it gets better LOL

My ex husband contacted me, he is the father of my other 3, a long story short, he chose drugs over his family.

Anyways,

he wanted to go out to the park with the kids and I and spend some time together and talk.

He began by apologizing for his past actions, and telling me he wanted a more active role in our lives,

he even said once Liz was born hed take her on as his own.

He offered to show me how sincere he was by showing me a "diploma" from the local councelers office,

seems hes taken anger management classes, and parenting classes.

He also pulled out a chip from the local NA support group, it was a gold chip "for multiple years clean" or something to that effect.

I have already decided that even if Liz's dad comes crawling back, I won't forgive him.

I won't say no he cant play an active role in her life, but he certainly won't be a part of mine.

So I geuss my question is, should I give my ex the benefit of the doubt?

I mean yeah I still love him, I always will, hes my first husband, and the father of my kids.

Part of me wants to try again cause it seems like he is making an effort to change,

and another part of me would love to have some help raising the kids, it is a major task to raise a child on your own, let alone 3 and coping with a newborn and the whole new set of issues there.

Not sure if its the sleep deprivation getting to me or the hormone changes to make me even think of such a thing.

But any advice would be greatly appreciated.

And I apologize for such a lengthy post.

[Mikayla1]

CONGRATULATIONS!

I am sooooo happy that you had a healthy baby! God works miracles, and clearly this is one of his greatest miracles! This also shows that sometimes those medical tests are dead WRONG! Thank goodness you didn't abort!

You have two separate situations going on here. First, I think that it is extremely important that you make the biological father LEGALLY responsible and financially responsible for his child. There are many legal services available for women in your situation. The court will require a DNA test from Liz, you and the Daddy. Once established, child support will be ordered, and, if you want, visitation. If you don't do this now it only gets more complicated later.

This man has shucked his duties - as unfortunately many men (and sometimes women) do - and it is up to you to make him face his responsiblity with this child. Hopefully at one point not too far down the line, he will realize what a true miracle she is and want to take part in her life more than just sending the checks.

As for the ex, he is the father of your other children, that makes him important to them, and probably important to you because of them. I understand how bad experiences can ruin trust and can ruin that whole relationship - only you can determine if you are ready to let him back into your life. People do make mistakes, and I do believe that we should be allowed second chances. However, when you are dealing with children, it is much harder to allow someone another chance with such a sensitive part of our lives!

I would say tread slowly and carefully with him. If he wants to take Liz under his wing and be "like a Dad" to her - there is nothing wrong with that under your watchful eye. However, she does have a father and I would greatly encourage that relationship to be established legally and emotionally for her sake!

I hope that helps!

Good luck and God bless your little one!

Mikayla

[Jen]

Whiskey woman-

Congrats on your healthy baby girl! That is truly wonderful news! I too recently had a baby and couldn't be more thrilled (or sleep deprived).

I am so sorry to hear that Elizabeth's dad has chosen to not be a part of her life. Or admit that he is the father! That is wrong and unforgiveable on so many levels. I am glad to see that you have no desire to allow him back in your life, no matter if he comes crawling back on hands and knees. I do hope that he will eventually want to be part of your daughter's life--he has an obligation to support her finacially AND he has the obligation as a father to be there for her.

I'll get off my soapbox.

As for the ex husband. Your ex chose drugs over family and I'm sure that that decision had to be disappointing for you. The man you love, the father of your children was powerless against the pull of drugs. What it sounds like from your email is that you have become (or always were) a very strong woman who puts her children ahead of herself.

Your ex husband wants to be part of your life again and he seems to be giving you all the right answers about being clean and sober. And if he has given you nothing to prove him otherwise you're probably wondering why you shouldn't believe him. So go ahead and believe him, BUT (big but right here) lay down some guidelines. Let him know if he falls back into any of his old ways that he is out of there! Let him know you're going to start things slow--begin dating him again, don't just jump back in where you left off. He's a new person now that he is clean and sober, treat him as such. Go on dates, don't sleep with him right away, make sure he knows you're doing all this because you still love him.

And if it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. Don't try to force something that just isn't meant to be.

good luck and congrats again!

Jen

[sexykitty]

congrats on the new baby....so nice to hear all is well with that bundle of joy

If your ex is truly a changed man then he will not mind taking things slow and starting off with dating. He should understand what he has put you and the kids through and that going slow is the only way to go. As Jen said please please DO NOT sleep with him to soon. If he really has changed and wants to be part of your life and the kids lives again then only time will tell.

good luck and hope everything works out

[whiskeywoman]

Thanks for the advice guys.

Your probably right on the not sleeping with the ex though, trust me, after what I have been through

I do not plan on sleeping with ANYONE right now or in the near future LOL

I also think the dating thing is a pretty good idea, I will bring it up to him when we see him again.

He called earlier and wants to see the kids on easter.

Mikayla,

No worries, I plan on making Liz's father pay.

I went to see a lawyer from legal aid today and they referred me to Friend of the court, I filled out and began proceedings for the DNA tests.

It totally blows ya know? I tried to be nice to him and give him every opportunity to be a part of his daughters life, and he just blew it off.

I take one look at her and wonder how in the world he can just walk away from something so perfect and precious.

Jen,

I didn't even know you were expecting!

Congratulations on the new lil one!

Sleep deprivation is a real pain now, but once you see that first real smile, it is so worth every night spent walking the floors and all those 3 am feedings.

Kids are a wonderful thing, and a real handful.

I am just trying to ensure that mine are well cared for and trying to look out for their best interests.

I really don't want to see them hurt again, and I would cut off my right arm to protect them if I could.

I will definatly give the situation with my ex some more thought, and I will keep yalls posted.

In the meantime, "The Hoover" has spoke that shes hungry, so I gotta jet to go feed her.

Thanks for the words of wisdom ladies.

God Bless.

Whiskey

[crazy1]

Whiskey Woman, I am very happy that all has gone well in the birth and development of your daughter.

I have one caution to advise here. I have an older brother who is a single father. He has a daughter about the same age as my own son(5yrs) and his stuggle with the legal system and his daughters mother has been horrible.

After delivering their daughter, the mother began using drugs. Using quite frequently and heavily. Things fell apart between my brother and his ex. He kept their daughter for a short time, until work, booze and drugs made him hand her over to his ex's parents for a short time. He cleaned him self up and called my family for the first time in years, asking to come home and get help. I still live in the same town as most of my family and My father and I had talked about the very possibility of this happening and our prayers that he would clean up and come home. Well he had chosen just that, for himself and for his daughter.

When we went to get him, his ex was in prison for drugs. She got out about 8 months after he left and took their daughter whom she had not seen in literally months almost a full year. She got out and was quite bitter about having been in prison and decided that she wanted to make someone pay. Well, now that she was paying child support she focused on my brother.

They have been to court repeatedly over Child Support, DNA(she claimed he was not the father, but DNA confirms he is), and custody. She has been back to jail on drug charges, she has lost her job that the court said she must keep or lose visitation, and is not living where the court belives her to be.

Now I am telling you all of this just to illustrate something. You might not want this moron to be in her life at all. If he is proven by DNA to be the father, he has rights to allow for adoption or to block it if the time ever comes. And from what you have said about him, what good influence can he bring to her life?

My sister-in-law is in a similar situation. Her ex-husband is a violent, abusive rapist, and is being prosecuted for sexual assault of a minor. Thankfully, my SIL didn't put him on the birth certificate as the father, so whilst he may not pay child support, he has absolutely no legal claim to My SIL's daughter.

I understand that it is hard, but I have seen first hand that there are sometimes that the system doesn't work for us, but against us(Sorry Mikayla), and that it can be better for the child to not have the other parent in his/her life. Really consider what kind of person Elizibeths father is, and if he can be a good influence on her life.

Is the child support worth the negative influence he could be on her?

[Mikayla1]

Crazy1 - I take no offense at your observations of our legal system - it is true that unfortunately many times our legal system ends up causing more problems than doing good. However, I believe in most cases - more often than not - establishing paternity and protecting that "parental bond" is so important. This man is scared - he is confused. He will want to know his daughter some day. Also, at very least, he is financially responsible for this child. You pose the question, "is the child support worth the risk?" Well, I personally believe that there are too damn many parents out there that skip out on their children and never pay a thin dime to help raise them - nor give them a moment of their precious time or attention! I find that a travesty in our world - and probably why so many of our children today are so screwed up!

I believe that Whiskey will do a wonderful job raising her daughter and providing the love and support she needs - however, with other children to attend to, the financial help would take a large burden off. Also, it is important to note, that it would be extremely hard for any court to rule against Whiskey and FOR this moronic father, since she has been taking care of this child since the beginning and all he has done is deny, deny, deny! I have no fear that things will be allright - God has already blessed this child, and I believe, will continue to do so!

That is just my opinion - it is ultimately up to Whiskey to decide how far to take the legal recourse!

Mikayla

[whiskeywoman]

Mikayla,

Well since I am temprarily laid off from work, I had no choice but to file for welfare.

The state I reside in will go for him for the child support regardless of if I want /need the money, they will collect it to repay the funds.

This state also allows you to hold off on filing for paternity for 18 years.

Which they are going to also force him into submitting a DNA sample so he can be named as Lizs dad.

As for do I really want him in Liz's life?

Yes and no, yes I do, she has every right in the world to know where her roots stem from,

her father is part Aztec, and part Mexican, she has the right to know about her heritage, these are things I can always show her in a book or online, but I can't tell her whom she is a direct decendent of.

Secondly, he needs to inform us of his family medical history at the very least.

I still have no clue of anything in his familys medical history.

Just because she was born healthy now does not mean there is not some sort of underlying medical problem waiting until her 3rd or 30th birthday to rear its ugly head.

On the other side of the coin, no I don't want him ever even so much as laying eyes on her,

he abandoned us, he left me when I needed emotional support the most.

He moved in with another woman while he was with me, I try really hard to teach my kids morals, and his lack of them is no good for her.

As for the adoption angle,

He wanted me to put her up for adoption,

I told him I knew what was gonna happen.

I know what its like to have a baby, and what comes after, one look at her and one listen to her cries and all hope of adoption would go right down the drain.

No I would never adopt her out, I am too much in love with her,

I look at her strawberry blonde hair and blue eyes and think, "How could anyone want to get rid of something so beautiful?"

How he can walk away from her is beyond me.

How he can want to stay away is also beyond me.

It makes me want to send him a photo of her and say "see what your missing?"

then again, I don't want to share her either LOL

This is one of those double edged swords where there are no right and wrong answers I am afraid.

I would love for a huge book with all the answers to fall right into my lap so I won't have to think about it anymore LOL

Oops, the hoover is awake,

Ill modify this later.

Crazy, sorry to hear about your brothers situation,

He is a strong one to put up with it for so long.

[Mikayla1]

Whiskey,

You are SO right about being in contact with Liz's Dad. I am an adopted child - back in 1971 adoption was done very, very differently - everything was closed, and there wasn't information traded like it is now. I was forced when I was in my teens to find my biological parents because of medical issues I was having myself, and it was hard because I was a minor, and the case was closed, etc. However, now I have that information - although limited, for my children as well as myself. I can't stress the importance of this.

Also, knowing heritage is so important - especially for mixed heritages. I think it is great you want to provide that for her.

One way or another the state will require he pay this child support - but ultimately it is up to him whether he wants a personal relationship with her - I hope that he does, it would be better for her, you and him.

Keep us informed, I think you are doing wonders for these children!

Mikayla

[crazy1]

Here is the issue. Maybe I didn't express this clearly before so I will try to do so now. I think you are right Howard, there are times when a child is better off with out having a parent in the home. My niece, "alice" is a mixed child. That is much more of an acceptable thing in this day and age. I have no care about the color of her skin. She is adoreable. However, I agree with her mother on this one. She does not need her father in her life. Under no circumstance should she attempt to establish paternity. I am not saying this is the case for Whiskey Woman, but it can be the right choice.

My former brother in law made several statements including that if he was established as the father and forced to pay child support, he would never, under any circumstance eliminate his right as a parent and allow addoption of his daughter to another person, even if my SIL remarried. That would also give alice a direct connection to her alcoholic, drug addicted, cheating, abusive, child molesting father. So as you can see, he is a less than desireable influence that is better off not in the picture at all. His family have been open and forthcoming with the medical info, and all of that has been checked. They have trying to contact Alice and just assume that she is not a child of their line. So be it.

Now, Whiskey, I know you said that it is a two edged sword, I think that could be one of the most accurate terms possible. Becareful and pray hard before you make these decisions...you might meet Mr right at any time and your jerk of an ex can complicate things severely for you. At the same time, Liz could certainly benefit from the Child Support....

You have the toughtest choice to make, not just for you, but for her.

Best Wishes and Prayers,

Crazy1

[whiskeywoman]

Well,

Papers came in the mail today from the state requesting Liz and I submit samples for DNA testing so that they can legally establish paternity and sue him for child support.

Now mind you I wont ever see a red cent, but, it will make him legally responsable in the eyes of the courts.

After much consideration and several sleepless nights, (partly due to the baby and partly due to this whole situation)

I have come to the conclusion, I will leave the choice up to Liz if she wants to know her donor or not.

When she reaches the appropriate age, she can decide on her own if she wants to know him or not, I will tell her what I know.

If it winds up that he is a child molester, or drug addict or alcoholic or just a plain out jerk, she can choose to find him and ask him her questions or not, I wont force the issue with her or with him.

Although if he is a child molester, rest assured she wont be left alone with him.

He has pretty much shown me that he could care less,

I offered to send him pictures and never got a reply, just like all the other emails I sent asking him about important things.

If she decides to proceed and he doesnt, all I can do is be there to comfort her when she needs it most.

I can only take things one day at a time, thre are several scenarios that could happen, and I will deal with them as they happen.

On another note....

The ex agreed to dating.

he says he screwed up the trust issue with us, and wants to rebuild it, and we both agree it will be a long time before we have that level again, IF we ever have it again, who knows, it might be better than before or it may not be as strong, who knows?

Hey its worth a shot.

[DaniLovell]

whiskey, i was looking thru this topic and hoping things were working out for you. life is about peaks and valleys, but i hope you are coming out of your valley. i have friends and have had friends in similar situations, so my prayers are with you.