Members ManofHerdreams Posted January 12, 2009 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2009 The Multiple Loves thread got me to thinking. (Dangerous I know, LOL)We've all heard this phrase a million times and I used to think it was true, but anymore I really don't know if it is or not. I know we as humans are bound to loose a love in our lifetime for whatever reason, and I'm sure that we have all been on one side or the other of these things.So what are your thoughts and opinions on this? Does the time spent in a loving relationship justify spending the rest of your life with a piece of you missing that can't be replaced? We tend to cover up the holes with something else but that doesn't mean that they aren't still there or that for whatever reason we don't still stumble into them from time to time and stir up old feelings that we thought were long buried.Man Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sun_flower969 Posted January 12, 2009 Members Report Share Posted January 12, 2009 Hey there! I know what you mean... It hurts! and pain sucks! ...but the heart never learns... You feel what you feel and you almost cant help it. Later on sometimes things happen and you end up heartbroken, maybe regretful. I don't know which is better. To stay guarded? To close your heart? Protecting yourself from being hurt... and to never have loved. Somehow it is worse when you do have it and it it torn away from you. You still want it but agonizingly so, you can't have it anymore...This is a tough one and I think NO matter how you try to do those things, like I said, the heart never learns! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Review Team sass Posted January 13, 2009 Review Team Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 How fitting this post is since I have been thinking of this very thing all day. And some may be surprised by my answer, but yes, I think it better to have loved and lost … And here is why.I believe that it is the painful times and the difficult times that we all go though, that really shape and mold us into who we are. How would we know good if we never experienced bad? How would we recognize a true friend if we never saw an enemy? How would we understand what it was to be truly appreciated if we never felt used?How do you know to pull your hand away from a hot pot before your skin gets burned off? By the pain you feel when you touch it. How do you know that you shouldn’t walk on an injured foot and damage it further? By the pain felt when you try. I think the same is true with the pain from a lost love. Our heart aches when we lose a love so that we give ourselves time to heal. Is your hand always going to have the burn scar or your foot evidence of its ailment? Probably so. And our hearts always remember being broken, but just like we will walk again, we will love again. It is human nature. Wounds take longer to heal depending on the severity, how strong we were before the pain, and several other factors. That is why we can’t say how long we are supposed to grieve for a lost love, it depends on so many factors it is impossible to know. Those who know me well are in shock right now. I VERY recently cut-ties with someone I love. (Wowsers, I just said the L-word in public!) I am by no means healed. I am hurting badly right now, and imagine I will be for a while. I am mad at myself for trusting and believing in him. But, he could not love me back. I can’t really blame him for that. The heart can’t be ordered around or made to feel something any more than it can be prevented from feeling something. I do disagree with how he handled the situation, but that’s not something I am willing to discuss.But even with the pain that I am going through right now, the puffy eyes and lack of sleep – I would not change the experience - because I learned from it and because most of it was good. So, was it better that I loved him (and learned what that kind of love is and had a glimpse of how wonderful things could be) and lost him, rather than to have not loved at all (and not had anything that real to judge other emotions against in the future)? I think I rather have had the lesson and know why it is worth working to pass the love test, than to have had the answers handed to me and not know the sweetness of true love.I hope this makes sense. I am operating on little sleep and tons of emotions. If I re-read this in the morning, it may get deleted. But writing it helped me to sort through some emotions myself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ManofHerdreams Posted January 13, 2009 Author Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 Don't delete it please. That was the best reply that anyone could hope for.Man Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mikayla1 Posted January 13, 2009 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 I would DEFINITELY choose love over not ever having love - even though, at times, it can be VERY painful.I think (my opinion only) that there are different levels of love. I had a relationship with a woman, Mia, and I loved her in a different way because she was a woman. We were intimate and best friends. I will always love her and I have a small part of me that went with her when we split.Then there was my first 'love' - bondage guy. He and I had a twisted, emotional, sex and LUST filled love. At the time, he was it for me. I was going to live forever being his sexual and emotional slave (so to speak) but when he raped me, well....I couldn't still love someone like that. Now for him, I kept having 'loving feelings' (as described in the other post) but did not LOVE him, per se. Even after the abuse he heaped on (and there were many, many breaches of trust) I still had this heart pull for him. I think when people are as exposed to one another as I was to him and he was to me, it is impossible to not have a hole when they are gone.Finally, my last significant ex before my hubby. He and I had a rare connection. We were friends, we were fantastic, orgasmic lovers. When it ended I literally thought I was going to die. I always hear women talking about that feeling, and I never experienced it until we split. I was totally unwhole - I was missing a part of my heart. I was able to get over the grief and the pain - but I never got over the love. I never will get over the love. Even though thoughts of our breakup bring me pain - the memories of our time together bring me joy. I think of him often and fondly and I love that I can still have that love in my heart for him.So, yes, I definitely think it is better to LOVE and LOOSE than not to love at all. When we fail to fall in love with those significant in our life it only demonstrates that we are not giving of ourselves fully - and that - to me - is far sadder than being hurt! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Review Team sass Posted January 13, 2009 Review Team Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 Don't delete it please. That was the best reply that anyone could hope for.ManOK, since you said please, I won't delete. I honestly just feel like all things happen for a reason. It may take us time to realize what that reason is, but it will come to us eventually. That does not deminish the pain by any means, but it makes it easier to tolerate if you can believe there was a reason for the loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ManofHerdreams Posted January 13, 2009 Author Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 OK, since you said please, I won't delete. I honestly just feel like all things happen for a reason. It may take us time to realize what that reason is, but it will come to us eventually. That does not deminish the pain by any means, but it makes it easier to tolerate if you can believe there was a reason for the loss.You're right but what if you can't buy into the reason given? What if you know in your heart that it has to be something else? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Review Team sass Posted January 13, 2009 Review Team Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 You're right but what if you can't buy into the reason given? What if you know in your heart that it has to be something else?I think this is a closure issue, which I just asked about in the Two Loves thread (are you reading my mind? ) I think we should be open and honest with people we care about and give truthful reasons for ending a relationship no matter how long or how deep it was. However, not all people will do that. A lot won't actually. Maybe they think the other person is better off with a contrived reason. Maybe they don't even know the reason - like they have been able to fool even themself.But, I think even if we have a bad situation, a relationship without an honest answer to "why did it end," I think there is still a reason for that. I will never know "why" I lost my baby last year, but I now know in the bigger picture why I had to go through all that I did. Does that make sense? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyger Posted January 13, 2009 Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 I think that this is a great question. I decided to think, answer, and THEN read the responses.I do think it's better to have loved & lost, than not to have loved at all. Why? Because, learning HOW to love someone is a big step into becoming a more mature & better person. Each man I have been with, I have loved in a way. Being a woman, as a woman, I think we're geared to do so anyway. But, even with the drama, heartache, disappointments, and hurt that comes along with getting one's heart broken, for me anyway, I learned how to be a better person in and out of a relationship. Hopefully, you can also learn, as I did, to appreciate the GOOD parts of almost any relationship. I learned how to love someone, what to tolerate, what not to tolerate, and how to handle certain situations, including dealing with some very persistant exes. .As one matures, learning that, even though someone can love you, well, it just may not work out can be enlightening. For me, it also has made me a bit more understanding and sympathetic.People learn how to handle the grief of the death of a relationship, and, hopefully, grow for it. Some people become bitter, and untrusting, and that is very sad. Others learn that it's a part of life, and that though it hurts, the process is a necessity to move on and grow. I think that you can FULLY love someone else BETTER if you've had your heart broken at least once. I think that you can appreciate a new love more if you've had your heart broken, and the feelings that come along with that as well.If you had told me, say 20 yrs ago, when I was 15, that I would get married to a man that already had a child from another woman, I would've laughed in your face....blantantly so! LOL Now, when my DH gets a bit pissy, even with good reason, at his ex, and all her BS, I do NOT allow him to bash her, and I point out to him that they were together for a significant amount of time, and you supported her decision to have the baby, and allowed her to retain custody of their child, all this time for a REASON. Therefore, he should respect her as the mother of his child, and remember that they got together for a reason.How's that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sun_flower969 Posted January 13, 2009 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 But it's SCARY! to think your heart might get broken again isn't it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyger Posted January 13, 2009 Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 It absolutely is. But usually the risk, even though scary, is worth it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Review Team sass Posted January 13, 2009 Review Team Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 But it's SCARY! to think your heart might get broken again isn't it?OH HOLY COW YES it is scary! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Neuroticax Posted January 13, 2009 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 I'd rather not have loved at all. You don't know what you're missing when you haven't had it in the first place. Closed minded I know, but I'm just too damn emotional for bullshit like a broken heart. I'm still going through it and honestly I'd be better off if I never loved that person and I wish I didn't, but I can't help it and it kills me everyday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sun_flower969 Posted January 13, 2009 Members Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 I'd rather not have loved at all. You don't know what you're missing when you haven't had it in the first place. Closed minded I know, but I'm just too damn emotional for bullshit like a broken heart. I'm still going through it and honestly I'd be better off if I never loved that person and I wish I didn't, but I can't help it and it kills me everyday.I hear that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ohshelly Posted January 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2009 I'd rather not have loved at all. You don't know what you're missing when you haven't had it in the first place. Closed minded I know, but I'm just too damn emotional for bullshit like a broken heart. I'm still going through it and honestly I'd be better off if I never loved that person and I wish I didn't, but I can't help it and it kills me everyday.I am in total agreement with you. I would rather not fall in love and skip the hurt.There are some hurts that go to deep for me. This is one of them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members vanilla_bean Posted January 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2009 But is it possble to not ever fall in love? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ohshelly Posted January 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2009 But is it possble to not ever fall in love?I don't think so, but I wish it was. Nothing can hurt more then love after its gone wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Neuroticax Posted January 17, 2009 Members Report Share Posted January 17, 2009 I think falling in love in inevitable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest eminatic Posted January 17, 2009 Report Share Posted January 17, 2009 whenever i hear this phrase i get irritated. no, i do not think its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.i'd rather be the old me, who never went outdoors and never talked to anyone. but now i can't figure out how to get back to that after being in a relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ladylove Posted January 20, 2009 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 I think it is better to love and have lost than to have never loved at all. Then you know; and I'm a hopeless romantic, I think if you have loved, you will love again............. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest eminatic Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 haha, i don't think i could SURVIVE another one Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Review Team sass Posted January 20, 2009 Review Team Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 haha, i don't think i could SURVIVE another one Been there, said that. Each time it gets tougher to try again, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Neuroticax Posted January 20, 2009 Members Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 Been there, said that. Each time it gets tougher to try again, too.Ain't that the truth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest eminatic Posted January 20, 2009 Report Share Posted January 20, 2009 good thing i know when to quit while im ahead then Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members PIGEFOOFF Posted December 10, 2009 Members Report Share Posted December 10, 2009 i was siteen when i got my first boyfriend and then i didnt really know how to love him since i wasnt over this other guy, so he dumped me; then i realised i loved him and now hes datingmy best friend and i still love himso yeah i wouldnt worry be yourself and make sure you know exactly what you want Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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