Review Team sass Posted March 15, 2009 Review Team Report Share Posted March 15, 2009 When trust is compromised in a relationship, how do you get it back? I have never, ever, never been good at trusting anyway. I know communication is key, but any other more detailed answers out there? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members angelkisses98 Posted March 15, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 15, 2009 It depends on how and what happened to compromise that trust. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members crossroads123 Posted March 15, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 15, 2009 Broken trust is the hardest thing to rebuild IMHO. I think the only way it can ever truely be rebuilt is if you have a very deep love for the other person and then it's still a long road back. I'm affraid that most time people just don't want to invest the time to rebuild trust in a relationship and it becomes to easy to find a way out than try. Goooooood luck hope all goes well, Chuck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyger Posted March 15, 2009 Report Share Posted March 15, 2009 There's a big difference between trust being compromised, and being in a new relationship, where trust is being established.In a new relationship, a certain amount of trust has to be put forth. The saying "You have to earn my trust" is decieving in this situation. If you can't trust your new beau, then why be with them? The way I did it, was think of a new relationship's trust level as a credit card. You start out with the Trust Card, low limit, but still, they have it. The more positive and trustworthy things that the man did, his Trust Credit Limit was extended. The smaller things that may be "My" issues that he was aware of, cut down his available trust credit line. However, a huge violation of trust, well, the Trust Card was cut up.But, you have to have some trust in the person you're interested in already there. If you just KNOW you can't trust them, then there's really no point of even starting a real relationship. Make sense?True, most of us have "baggage", in itself is a good and bad thing. Good in the way that we've learned a lot about ourselves and what we will/won't put up with. However, it also transfers to the next person in our lives, to some extent, and then they need to climbe over that mountian of emotional mess, to try and prove themselves that much more. It's hard to let that go, but the important thing to remember is that the new person is just that....NEW! So, they probably (but could) make the same mistakes that our previous person did.If you're already IN a relationship, and the person violated your trust, then it's up to the both of you to work on the trust. It's on the offender to do things (within reason) to try and build up the trust. If you aren't even willing to try and accept the offender's efforts, then there's no reason to stay. I say within reason, because some people have these outrageous expectations of what should be done to gain trust back, and therefore the efforts are doomed to fail. This situation needs to be communicated heavily, feelings HAVE to be explained, and a compromise has to be established. This is where communication of the utmost directness must be practiced and put forth. There should be no fine lines, but well established borders as to what each person wants, is willing to do, and make sure that BOTH people are willing to accept them.The BIG thing that many people, especially women, have an issue with, is leaving the past in the past. Yes, you need to talk about your feelings, and how the betrayal of trust hurt, but, it can't keep getting thrown into the offender's face. There has to be a point where you you forgive the past, and not bring it up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sun_flower969 Posted March 16, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 16, 2009 When trust is compromised in a relationship, how do you get it back? I have never, ever, never been good at trusting anyway. I know communication is key, but any other more detailed answers out there?I have had to deal with this and I can say that. Communication is very important but more than that, complete openness is what helps you heal... learning to trust again through honesty... yep! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest eminatic Posted March 22, 2009 Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 once its gone, its GONE. you cannot fully get it back, ever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mailahn97 Posted March 22, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 22, 2009 I disagree. I think it depends on the situation. Some lies are still lies but they have not affected the relationship in anyway. They could be something outside of the relationship. Others could be cheating and being outside of your relationship with someone else.I feel there are different levels of severity when it comes to it. Also a measure of how long have you been together, obstacles you may have gone through together already and if you are willing to work together to make it through.I have been there on both sides. I have been with someone that the the lie was so bad and hurt me in such a way that yes we lost everything. He may have been my daughters father but tough I will not forgive the stuff he has done to me. Then I have also been through small things with someone else and we talked a lot and worked through it. We listened to both of our sides and knew how much we cared about each other and worked through it. No relationship will be completely easy. I am not saying that every relationship does not have complete honesty. I am just saying no matter what it will take work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Review Team sass Posted March 24, 2009 Author Review Team Report Share Posted March 24, 2009 ... The BIG thing that many people, especially women, have an issue with, is leaving the past in the past. Yes, you need to talk about your feelings, and how the betrayal of trust hurt, but, it can't keep getting thrown into the offender's face. There has to be a point where you you forgive the past, and not bring it up.... Then I have also been through small things with someone else and we talked a lot and worked through it. We listened to both of our sides and knew how much we cared about each other and worked through it...OK, so forgive the past ... but forget, too? What do you think? If something has happened to cause a question of trust, but it gets worked through, should that orginal action be forgotten about? Doesn't doing that open ourselves up to being blind-sided in the future? Don't get me wrong, I don't think we should expect something to go wrong (although it is hard for me not to) but I also think we should have our eyes open and not have our head stuck in the sand.Please keep in mind I am new at this real relationship stuff, so be gentle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mailahn97 Posted March 24, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 24, 2009 OK, so forgive the past ... but forget, too? What do you think? If something has happened to cause a question of trust, but it gets worked through, should that orginal action be forgotten about? Doesn't doing that open ourselves up to being blind-sided in the future? Don't get me wrong, I don't think we should expect something to go wrong (although it is hard for me not to) but I also think we should have our eyes open and not have our head stuck in the sand.Please keep in mind I am new at this real relationship stuff, so be gentle. On mine I can say forgive definately in the second instance I did as part of it was due to some miscommunication. Forget I dont think I will. I will be on my mind from time to time as to wonder can it happen again. I think no matter how prepared you think you have yourself it could still happen again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sun_flower969 Posted March 25, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 25, 2009 OK, so forgive the past ... but forget, too? What do you think? If something has happened to cause a question of trust, but it gets worked through, should that orginal action be forgotten about? Doesn't doing that open ourselves up to being blind-sided in the future? Don't get me wrong, I don't think we should expect something to go wrong (although it is hard for me not to) but I also think we should have our eyes open and not have our head stuck in the sand.Please keep in mind I am new at this real relationship stuff, so be gentle. You know that saying "live and learn" yep that is it in a nutshell you learn from others mistakes too. you want to trust that "it" what ever "it" is will not happen again but you instinctively may put up a little guard. I see nothing wrong with that. having been hurt so badly in the past... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mystofpric Posted March 25, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 25, 2009 OK, so forgive the past ... but forget, too? What do you think? If something has happened to cause a question of trust, but it gets worked through, should that orginal action be forgotten about? Doesn't doing that open ourselves up to being blind-sided in the future? Don't get me wrong, I don't think we should expect something to go wrong (although it is hard for me not to) but I also think we should have our eyes open and not have our head stuck in the sand.Please keep in mind I am new at this real relationship stuff, so be gentle. This is a debate in my family. I personally thin you can forgive and eventually ove rtim eif it was small enough you MIGHT forget but i know when I get hurt or upset I don't easily or even usually forget it. It's not that I'm holding whta happened against anyone it;s just how I a) grow and protect myself. IF in 10years I find myself ina similar situtation I'll think "well this happened when such and such happened.." ya know what I mean? Forgive always, to err is human to forgive is divine (or something like that), forget? Not likely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest eminatic Posted March 26, 2009 Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 "forgive" is NOT in my vocabulary. i remember ALL my grudges and will take them to the grave with me (and possibly even further) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Review Team sass Posted March 26, 2009 Author Review Team Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 I guess the forgive vs. forget aspect is what I am grappling with the most - how to do one without doing the other. Life needs a manual. Thanks to all for your input. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members angelkisses98 Posted March 26, 2009 Members Report Share Posted March 26, 2009 "forgive" is NOT in my vocabulary. i remember ALL my grudges and will take them to the grave with me (and possibly even further) Wow, thats sad...Life is way to short to harbor all those bad feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members square Posted April 11, 2009 Members Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 "forgive" is NOT in my vocabulary. i remember ALL my grudges and will take them to the grave with me (and possibly even further) I think the head shrinker types would say forgiving is not to benefit the other person, but for your own benefit. Your anger or bitterness will tear you apart more than the other person. But I am no head shrinker, and my own experience there is limited.I will add, though, that we just got done planting an elderly in-law who was a pretty good grudge holder. And she freely let those know who she felt had wronged her, and stirred up a whole lot of trouble within the family over some pretty stupid petty stuff.Many eyes at the funeral that should have been among the wettest were instead the driest.Then again, some people seem to thrive on bitterness and grudges; probably why she lived so long. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest eminatic Posted April 11, 2009 Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 well then they have no business being at her funeral. i have a specific guest list already planned out that i keep posted on my wall at all times. i even have a separate account to (almost) cover the cost of the funeral so my parents don't get stuck with the bill. of course i suppose i can't stop the people i don't want there from coming anyway but the rest of the world will know that they were not invited. i don't want anyone pretending that they were best friends with me just to get attention and sympathy after i die. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jhard Posted April 11, 2009 Members Report Share Posted April 11, 2009 "forgive" is NOT in my vocabulary. i remember ALL my grudges and will take them to the grave with me (and possibly even further) That's a hard way to live eminatic, I try hard to forgive and forget when I've been wronged and hope others attempt the same for me. We are all on this bumpy road called life together, and none of us are perfect. I am thankful for my abiblity to forgive and forget my grudges, sometimes it takes a while though.jhard Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest eminatic Posted April 12, 2009 Report Share Posted April 12, 2009 if others don't make an effort to be forgiven then why should i forgive them for free? it just goes against my very existence, i can't do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members square Posted April 12, 2009 Members Report Share Posted April 12, 2009 well then they have no business being at her funeral. . . . i don't want anyone pretending that they were best friends with me just to get attention and sympathy after i die.The world isn't all black and white; there are many shades of gray mixed in. The ones I speak of were her closest surviving blood relatives, and for the last 6 or 8 years were the ones who put a roof over her head, made her meals, hosted her during holidays and birthday celebrations, drove her to stores and doctors and the hair dresser, visited her daily and picked poop out of her ass when she would become ill and bedridden in the hospital or nursing home; advocated to get her out of those places and back on her feet. But she would not let things go, and too often caused a lot of unnecessary strife and friction and resentment. And in the end, these people who had cared about her and cared for her, and had had fond times with her and less fond times, they had had enough. They went to the funeral 'cuz that's what you do when a family member kicks; you don't even think about it. They went to pay their respects and say their goodbyes; not to selfishly or falsely suck up a boat load of sympathy.Enough dreary stuff. Happy Easter (or happy rest-of-the-weekend if you don't celebrate it). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Shariana Posted April 12, 2009 Members Report Share Posted April 12, 2009 After my first two relationships, I have found myself having a hard time trusting any man. I don't trust their compliments, I don't trust their motives.... only recently have I gotten myself out of that.....My first SO pretty much forced some things on me that I did NOT want. My second SO made me feel worthless and destroyed my self esteem.My SO now is working to reverse what they did, and is doing a DAMN good job.I never trusted those first two the same way again. NEVER will be. But, my trust of men, in general, is getting better.... slowly but surely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members bluelotusparties Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 Be Kind to YourselfSpend Quality Time With YourselfConnect With Your Significant OtherShared HumanityDon’t be unrealistic with your expectations – if you are, that is when the relationship begins to deteriorate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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