Let's Start Fresh! Random Thoughts!

[mailahn97]

I agree a good guy will be patient. There truly are some out there. I was lucky enough that I had found one that helped me work through physical abuse from an ex. Yet see I didn't swear off men. I am not trying to be a smartass I am just making a statement that everyone handles it in their own way. My physical abuse was so bad that I required surgery. I didn't tell him the details right away but I told him there was abuse in my past. He was very patient and helped me work through my walls. After about a month I told him all of the details. He understood even better and was very patient and understanding with me. He wanted to show me that there were men out there worth caring for again and that not every man was an asshole or pig.

[mailahn97]

I have had it with the people that use people as their doormats. It is sad when sometimes it is even people that you think care about you the most. I keep saying I am done with that shit but it keeps seeming to happen again. Oh well such is life what doesn't kill me just makes me stronger.

[Guest eminatic]

lol....its not that i wanted to "swear off men" its that i am physically UNABLE to have sex...but according to THIS theres no point in me trying to be with anyone since i can't have sex =/

don't assume that you know anything about me or my reasoning.

anyways...the ship has already sailed so its too late i think

[Mikayla1]

lol....its not that i wanted to "swear off men" its that i am physically UNABLE to have sex...but according to THIS theres no point in me trying to be with anyone since i can't have sex =/

anyways...the ship has already sailed so its too late i think

I have to ask, why are you physcially unable to have sex? Injury? Deformity? or Psychological resistance? Just curious.

[Guest eminatic]

i was born with a septate hymen - when the female fetus developes, the hymen is completely closed at first, then a small opening SHOULD form which is then broken during sex. rarely, deformities occur (hymen is still completely closed causing backup of menstrual fluid, a bunch of tiny pinhole openings instead of one vaginal opening, etc) all throughout highschool i couldn't understand why i couldn't use tampons...they hurt SO bad. well...in a very unpleasant way that nearly killed me i discovered that something was wrong, and thus had to have it surgically removed.

i finally thought i would be normal...be able to use tampons, have sex, etc. but it is still FAR too painful to insert even the smallest objects. and the spot that hurts the MOST is just at the very top of the entrance...right where the stitches were. i have been seen MANY times by the doctor who performed the surgery, and several other doctors since then...all keep telling me that nothing is wrong. i am SICK of being told nothings wrong/ its all in my head and being prescribed yeast infection/bacterial infection medication when i do NOT have either.

i would give anything just to be able to TOLERATE sex, not even to like it, but no one can tell me what is wrong. and obviously, no guy would want me since i cant have sex. and please dont say "a good guy will wait" because its not a matter of waiting.

[sass]

... and obviously, no guy would want me since i cant have sex. and please dont say "a good guy will wait" because its not a matter of waiting.

I don't totally agree with that. I know a lot of us have said several times that sex is important to a marriage/relationship/etc. and I am not backing down from that at all, BUT I don't think that someone who dislikes or cannot have sex is doomed to be alone, I just think that it will take finding that right person who also not doesn't want/need sex. I think it is possible, difficult probably, but possible as long as both people are open and honest about their feelings or inabilities from the start. I wish you luck, Em.

[Mikayla1]

I am sorry to hear about this Em. I had no idea it was a physical issue.

I am familiar with this condition, as one of my long-term childhood friends had this condition (she discovered it when she started her period at 12, and the blood was backed up inside, as you describe)

She had 3 surgeries to correct this, the final one being before she got married. She too had pain from scar tissue. In her case, the first doctor kind of 'botched' the surgery, and the second doctor had to 'fix' what he did wrong. She waited a few years in between surgeries because until she started trying to have sex, she didn't know how bad it was. She just avoided sex with her bfs because she was afraid of the pain.

When she met the man she was going to marry, and told him of her sexual situation, he was amazingly supportive. He tried everything from lots of oral sex (which she could tolerate fairly well), to going slow, toys, lubes, desensitzing creams. The fact was, she just could not have sex with him despite wanting to.

She finally went to a doctor who told her that she needed to have psychological counseling too (her fear of the pain made her tense up before sex, and that clenching made the pain much worse). This condition is called vaginismus, and it is common with all women, not only the ones with these other physical problems.

She also had to have anasthetic injections in her vaginal area. I believe (don't quote me on this) they used some sort of botox / pain reliever combo. Then she had a final surgery to sort of cut out the scar tissue and reform her. These things did finally render her able to have sex.

She enjoyed her honeymoon relatively pain free.

So, I tell you this just so that you know (1) you are not alone and (2) there ARE men out there who are patient and worth fighting to have your sexuality for (3) there are some surgical options that might help for you as well.

My friend is pregnant now, for the first time, and looking forward to having a baby, but she is also afraid that pregnancy and childbirth will 'mess her up' down there again. I am hoping not.

I have hope for you Em, you are an intelligent woman who I am sure has a lot to offer to any partner.

[angelkisses98]

Can't remember hubby had a Sunday totally off...It was nice to spend all day together.

[Guest eminatic]

I know a lot of us have said several times that sex is important to a marriage/relationship/etc. and I am not backing down from that at all, BUT I don't think that someone who dislikes or cannot have sex is doomed to be alone, I just think that it will take finding that right person who also not doesn't want/need sex.

this whole statement seems to contradict itself

and i find this funny as i am simultaneously being pelted with statements that sex is REQUIRED for love in another thread...

[sass]

Why can't all days be like today?

[ladylove]

Why can't all days be like today?

Glad you had a great day!

[sass]

Glad you had a great day!

Thanks, me too! It was a great day.

[Mikayla1]

this whole statement seems to contradict itself

and i find this funny as i am simultaneously being pelted with statements that sex is REQUIRED for love in another thread...

NO, NO, NO. Sex is not required for love. Of course you can have deep, deep love without sex. It is true. However, a majority (over 90% I would guess) of people want and yes, need sex to feel fullfilled, desired, loved. When you get married to the love of your life, and you begin that marriage with an active and fullfilling sex life - and THEN something changes in one partner and the sex goes away - not even just less, but NONE. It is only natural to think "she must not find me attractive or must not love me."

I submit to you Em, if you were married and were having a great sex life, and then one day the sex stopped. If you loved this man, and he claimed to love you, you would surely wonder what happened to the sex? You would be thinking of what happened that made him not be attracted to you or whatever. That is what is going on with my friend in the other thread. He is confused and hurt and loves his wife, but like most men, he wants and needs sex.

So required no, but wanted, needed and desired, Yes.

[JWITTER]

NO, NO, NO. Sex is not required for love. Of course you can have deep, deep love without sex. It is true. However, a majority (over 90% I would guess) of people want and yes, need sex to feel fullfilled, desired, loved. When you get married to the love of your life, and you begin that marriage with an active and fullfilling sex life - and THEN something changes in one partner and the sex goes away - not even just less, but NONE. It is only natural to think "she must not find me attractive or must not love me."

I submit to you Em, if you were married and were having a great sex life, and then one day the sex stopped. If you loved this man, and he claimed to love you, you would surely wonder what happened to the sex? You would be thinking of what happened that made him not be attracted to you or whatever. That is what is going on with my friend in the other thread. He is confused and hurt and loves his wife, but like most men, he wants and needs sex.

So required no, but wanted, needed and desired, Yes.

WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE A WOMAN SUCK MY C**K @ WOULD LIKE TO LICK A WOMANS P***Y MY WIFE WILL NOT LET ME TO GO DOWN ON HER AND SHE WILL NOT GO DOWN ON ME

[sun_flower969]

UGH connected with an old friend recently... What the hell is happening with everyone! Her husband just told her he has been having an affair... They have 5 kids!!! She has an chronic and pretty severe illness too. I can't even stand it!!

I have so many friends lately who are either having their own "crisis" and being tempted with an old flame or what have you (including me!) or they are flat out giving up on their marriage and separating/divorcing... Is it an age thing... late 30's early 40's issue???

My head is spinning!

[ohshelly]

UGH connected with an old friend recently... What the hell is happening with everyone! Her husband just told her he has been having an affair... They have 5 kids!!! She has an chronic and pretty severe illness too. I can't even stand it!!

I have so many friends lately who are either having their own "crisis" and being tempted with an old flame or what have you (including me!) or they are flat out giving up on their marriage and separating/divorcing... Is it an age thing... late 30's early 40's issue???

My head is spinning!

Thats about when my marriage hit the skids, Sunny. I still don't get it.

And BTW, even though we have 'moved on' Cheat Guy still torments me at every chance.

What is his probliem? He cheated, we broke up. Why am I getting s**t from him?

I wish he would go away and leave me alone.

[raniedaize]

A week from today I will be over four hundred miles away in my new state!!!

[ladylove]

Even when it's raining you can still see the sun if you look hard enough

[ohshelly]

A week from today I will be over four hundred miles away in my new state!!!

Getting excited?

[raniedaize]

Getting excited?

Oh yes! I can hardly believe that it's finally right around the corner!!!

But, can you please tell me WHY it has to be NOW versus BEFORE when something might actually be forming between me and a guy who lives HERE and not THERE?! I am alarmingly new to the whole dating and getting-a-man thing. Entering a relationship is a foreign and scarey concept to me. And I don't want to appear insane or overly needy, but not too self-sufficient either (as in, "Why would I need you when I'm doing so well by myself? Hmmm?).

[Guest eminatic]

NO, NO, NO. Sex is not required for love. Of course you can have deep, deep love without sex. It is true. However, a majority (over 90% I would guess) of people want and yes, need sex to feel fullfilled, desired, loved. When you get married to the love of your life, and you begin that marriage with an active and fullfilling sex life - and THEN something changes in one partner and the sex goes away - not even just less, but NONE. It is only natural to think "she must not find me attractive or must not love me."

I submit to you Em, if you were married and were having a great sex life, and then one day the sex stopped. If you loved this man, and he claimed to love you, you would surely wonder what happened to the sex? You would be thinking of what happened that made him not be attracted to you or whatever. That is what is going on with my friend in the other thread. He is confused and hurt and loves his wife, but like most men, he wants and needs sex.

So required no, but wanted, needed and desired, Yes.

again, this whole thing seems to contradict itself. and most responses in the other thread flat out say that sex is NEEDED, that marriage is a contract that somehow entails sex and means that you MUST agree to have sex etc

if something is needed it seems that it would be required....

as a woman yes, if i had a male s/o who suddenly didnt want sex i would wonder because i already know that men REQUIRE sex, and thus obviously it would mean he is cheating. i and other women i know do not REQUIRE sex or masturbation and do not equate love with sex, so i don't see why a lack of sex should mean anything in that scenario

[Mikayla1]

It is not contradictory in the least. You can love many people and never have sex with them. I personally have deep, deep love for one of my best friends and we have never even kissed. However, would I marry him based on that love and friendship? No. Why? Basically, sex is something that is universally 'accepted' as a part of a healthy marriage. Biblically speaking, a woman is to 'submit' to the needs of her husband and her body is his; his body is hers. While I am not uber-religious when it comes to sex, I would submit that the most basic and rudementary understanding of marriage expectations from the beginning of marriage are to be intimate with that person, and yes, procreate!

Why get married? If you love someone, and you are attracted to them - why get married? You want to be close to them, be with them, share your life with them. Also, have SEX with that person. You are comitting to them, and agreeing in a marital contract (yes, boys and girls, marriage is, in essence, a contract) to be faithful to them sexually. The marital vows, in basic form, don't talk about faithful friendship - but FAITHFUL SEXUALITY! That is why adultery is a basic grounds for divorce!

So, you marry this person so that you can be together and be intimate. Otherwise, why get married? If you just want to be friends and not have sex - then be FRIENDS! I do not think that relationships that do not include sex are truthfully successful! One partner is most likely missing that connection, that intimacy.

Now, in a case where there is an injury - let's say, a car accident - and one partner is rendered paralyzed and can therefore, not have sex. This is not a conscious choice to withhold - it is unavoidable. Now, while many marriages might break up due to this, there are probably many that survive because the partners are friends and are in love. However, this is differentiated from a couple wherein one person is withholding for no legitimate reason.

Sex IS a basic need. Talk to any doctor about healthy relationships and he or she will tell you that sex is a basic need. While people differ on how to satisfy that need, it is a need. It is also something that I don't think most people feel badly about 'expecting.' I expect sex from my hubby; he expects it from me. I do not take offense at that. During a stressful time in our life when he was having ED issues; I expected him to consider what he could do to make it better. I was understanding, patient, kind, researched options, made an effort to be supportive and we got through it. It did expect sex- even in the face of the adversity - and he expected it too - and furthermore, he NEEDED it.

I think that this argument can be made for years and years and those persons who do not enjoy or want sex are going to argue that it is wrong for their partner to want or desire it; and those who are on the more conventional side are going to say it IS an expectation and desire that should be met.

[sass]

this whole statement seems to contradict itself

and i find this funny as i am simultaneously being pelted with statements that sex is REQUIRED for love in another thread...

I am sorry you don't understand what I am saying, but I do wish you the best.

[angelkisses98]

Ahhh...Remicade spells relief!!

[ladylove]

A week from today I will be over four hundred miles away in my new state!!!

I hope your packing