Military Inequality

[Smile4Me]

Okay, so I'm a military spouse, stationed at a Marine Base in North Carolina. Something has come to my attention and it's infuriating me, so I just want to get it out and see what everyone else has to say about it. Many of the wives here have this understanding that you're not a "True Military Wife" unless your husband has been overseas. I can't help but feel like this issue is only reinforced by the special "advantages" that the wives whose husbands are deployed get, while the rest of the wives are pretty much ignored.

There is a website locally here that is basically a classifieds listing with a message board, and there are hundreds of offers for free stuff for servicemembers wives whose SO is overseas. There is even more gossip about "this wife" and "that wife" who shouldn't need any help because their husband is home. This is unbelievable!! I completely understand how terrible it is when they leave for 6-12 months at a time, but does that somehow validate their wedding band more than it does any other wife? They already make hundreds in extra pay than the men & women that are home and don't deploy to Iraq or Afghanistan, why all this extra treatment?

My husband works 12 hr days EVERY SINGLE DAY of the week, and hasn't had a day off in a month, but I'm not worthy of respect just because he hasn't taken a trip to the sandbox? I was under the impression that while many hardworking men and women are overseas, the rest of them are HERE working like slaves making sure they get EVERYTHING they need THERE! I'm just so frustrated with this. And what's worse, is that MOST (by no means all) are spending every dime of their husbands money while he's gone, and seeing other men at the same time. I've seen it with my own eyes. I just don't understand why this unequal treatment. They each work just as hard as the next guy.. If anything, the guys at home are working harder, just so they can make life easier for deployed members! UGHHHH

[Tyger]

No matter WHERE your SO is, I think that military spouses should be afforded the same considerations.

I can understand where there may be a bit more support, with SO's overseas. Maybe some emotional support and such. But, as a wife, whos hubby is gone half the year (every other week, no holidays off, at a rig), I know what it's like to be alone. Thankfully, I get some great support from neighbors, and my hubby isn't in the military.

I don't think that there should be any special treatment, but reality is, that there is, and it's up to individuals in your situation, to bring that to light, in a positive, constructive way.

Best wishes to you and your spouse, and please thank him (and you) for all of the hardwork here on the homefront too!!!

[Shariana]

A soldier is a soldier is a soldier. No matter the age, sex, branch, or location. That is absolutely ridiculous. Life is hard for everyone who is involved in the military, directly or indirectly.

*hugs* I hope you are able to find some resolution and more support!

[Smile4Me]

Thanks guys. I needed the pick me up. Normally I would chalk it up to another painful reminder of how unhappy the military can be, but I think it's just ridiculous really. It really has nothing to do with "free stuff" or anything of material means, it's more the principle. Just the fact that this kind of "special treatment" only drives another wedge between military wives ...when we're all supposed to be supporting each other. It's bad enough that half of the military wives in this town wear their husband's rank on their sleeve, and refuse to associate with those individuals whose husbands aren't a certain rank (ridiculous, I know), but they have to go making things worse by giving them a reason to think they're somehow better than the next wife.

None of the good women here can trust anyone else b/c there are so many women here that do not deserve the respect that they receive. Gossip gossip gossip, pathological lying, cheating, betrayal, binge drinking, it's like an episode of Nip/Tuck every single day in this tiny little hell-on-earth. I live in a townhome development designed for enlisted military (also known as "base housing") and just in the past month, we've had 3 people's cars completely totalled sitting in there DRIVEWAY from wives driving drunk. While the terrible wives are weaving their webs of shame, the rest of us are left to be reclusive and tagged "snobby" because we just don't want to be a part of it all. I've lived her for 3 years and haven't had a conversation with either one of my neighbors.

What is WRONG with this place? I've never been around so many hateful and obnoxious beings in one place. Have you ever been somewhere that just really brought out your most cynical side? These people are awful and I cannot wait to leave military life behind me. Future or potential military wives...think very hard before you decide to marry, because while it may be HIS dream to serve his country, it comes at an extreme expense, one where you are more than likely picking up the tab. Often following is an unswerving feeling of resentment. Just do me a favor and really think it over.

Thanks for letting me vent guys, I appreciate your kind words.

[raniedaize]

Babe, if I could reach out my arms and hug you, I would.

[Smile4Me]

Babe, if I could reach out my arms and hug you, I would.

Thank you so much, that means a lot!! There should be more hugging here damnit!! LOL Where IS THE LOVE.

[mystofpric]

I'm sorry hun. My dad was in the marines in Cali and got sent to Iraq during the Desert Storm, we lived off base and never really got the special treatment your talking about, if we did I never saw any of it. But I do hate to say that my mom was probably one of those women that your talking about she went out a lot more then and hung out with "the wives" a lot more then, when dad came home, not so much. Then his friends started coming over and, as a kid, they were WAY more fun. I can't make them treat you better, but I can say that those of us not in the service or married to someone who is respect and support you as much as we do your husband because your job is no easier than his (just perhaps less gun fire...). I would say though you can't be the only one who thinks that these women are wrong, seek out similar minded people so you don't have to be so isolated. You deserve better!

[pappyld04]

IDK what site you are viewing but I wonder if you could request a "Stateside Swap" column there.

[shoupja]

I'm a military wife too and I know exactly what you mean. It really disgusts me to see women wear their husbands deployments around like a badge of honor.

I actually lost someone who I thought was a friend over a situation like this. This is the same woman who told me that she didn't have a problem discussing my marital problems even though her husband was gone because she thought it might help me gain some perspective. Later in the summer, she actually told me to not bitch to her about our marital problems because her husband was gone and I should be thankful that my husband is home. Yeah, home my ass! He gets to sleep in our bed, but he worked very long hours and a lot of weekends last summer so he may have been stateside, but he was hardly home. I guess she felt her badge of honor was more important than our friendship.

I couldn't figure out what was wrong with DH's duty station, and I gave up trying. The key is to find your own happiness out there where you can. To hell with the ones who are rank wearers, and stay away from the "fun sponges" who have nothing to do but bitch about life.

I have a lot to bitch about these days, but you know what? I've been doing my best to weed through my shit and find the positive. My husband and I are getting closer now than we ever have been - and he's deployed. I have a very lovely home near the beach, 3 children that love me, and a husband who is willing to do whatever he has to in order to make this thing work even though we will be apart for more than a year.

In hindsight, I am so happy that my "friend" dumped me when she did. She really is a rank-wearing negative person and I don't need that in my life. I have real friends who support me and the decisions I make for my family and that is all that matters.

[Smile4Me]

I'm a military wife too and I know exactly what you mean. It really disgusts me to see women wear their husbands deployments around like a badge of honor.

I actually lost someone who I thought was a friend over a situation like this. This is the same woman who told me that she didn't have a problem discussing my marital problems even though her husband was gone because she thought it might help me gain some perspective. Later in the summer, she actually told me to not bitch to her about our marital problems because her husband was gone and I should be thankful that my husband is home. Yeah, home my ass! He gets to sleep in our bed, but he worked very long hours and a lot of weekends last summer so he may have been stateside, but he was hardly home. I guess she felt her badge of honor was more important than our friendship.

I couldn't figure out what was wrong with DH's duty station, and I gave up trying. The key is to find your own happiness out there where you can. To hell with the ones who are rank wearers, and stay away from the "fun sponges" who have nothing to do but bitch about life.

I have a lot to bitch about these days, but you know what? I've been doing my best to weed through my shit and find the positive. My husband and I are getting closer now than we ever have been - and he's deployed. I have a very lovely home near the beach, 3 children that love me, and a husband who is willing to do whatever he has to in order to make this thing work even though we will be apart for more than a year.

In hindsight, I am so happy that my "friend" dumped me when she did. She really is a rank-wearing negative person and I don't need that in my life. I have real friends who support me and the decisions I make for my family and that is all that matters.

Good to see another military wife in here!! I swear, I feel like military bases are their own seperate planet sometimes! LOL You are so right..about, well everything! It's so difficult to not be cynical; I try really hard! I think that's why I'm not fond of meeting new people/wives here because there is just SO MUCH bs to deal with usually, that my pessimism might scare people off. I usually just keep to myself and try to stay positive. The last base we were at in Florida, everyone was so nice, I made so many friends there, I just wish we could go back!

I'm sorry that you went through a situation like that. You really find out who your friends are; I can't count how many "friends" I've made here that turned out to be a waste of time and loyalty. Good luck to you while he's on deployment, it's really nice to meet someone with similar views on the whole situation.

SuzyP Posted Mar 28 2009, 11:18 AM

I'm sorry hun. My dad was in the marines in Cali and got sent to Iraq during the Desert Storm, we lived off base and never really got the special treatment your talking about, if we did I never saw any of it. But I do hate to say that my mom was probably one of those women that your talking about she went out a lot more then and hung out with "the wives" a lot more then, when dad came home, not so much. Then his friends started coming over and, as a kid, they were WAY more fun. I can't make them treat you better, but I can say that those of us not in the service or married to someone who is respect and support you as much as we do your husband because your job is no easier than his (just perhaps less gun fire...). I would say though you can't be the only one who thinks that these women are wrong, seek out similar minded people so you don't have to be so isolated. You deserve better!

Thanks for your input SuzyP. I think things have changed a lot since Desert Storm...people have just become more and more unhappy with life in general, and since being in the military is a 24hr job that never stops....I think stress takes over and people take it out on everyone around them. I also think a bigger problem is that here we have lots of 17 and 18 yr old wives, who want to bring their High School mentality to the neighborhood and start trouble. There are a lot of immature people here, and often it's hard to pick whose the bad apple and who isn't without being judgmental. IT's must easier to just keep to myself...even when I try to open up to people and look for people with similar interests, it usually always ends up blowing up in my face. Usually it's some "Rank-wearing" girl who suddenly decides she's above me in some manner and the friendship ends there. Either that or I tell them how it is and they can't handle the truth. I'm not going to change myself to make a bunch of teenie-boppers happy, they will have to grow up someday.

[mystofpric]

Hey hun! The good news is you have good friends here! The bad news is, well, I'll let you read the newspaper headlines, lol.

A LOT has changed since D.S. namely the fact that most of america doesn't support the war (i support our troops, not the oil war). Factor in a poor economy where kids out of fresh out of high school are turning to the military not out of courage and honor but sheer lack of options ( i know that's not why all or even most join), and you get twits like your stuck dealing with in situtations that require more maturity that they can dream of. For you, i wish you the best and I want to let you know that I'm always available if you need to vent, i do love talking smack on stupid b*tches, makes you feel better sometimes! I assume your not orignally from where your stationed? What about a book club or taking an art class or something to meet people off base?

[Smile4Me]

Hey hun! The good news is you have good friends here! The bad news is, well, I'll let you read the newspaper headlines, lol.

A LOT has changed since D.S. namely the fact that most of america doesn't support the war (i support our troops, not the oil war). Factor in a poor economy where kids out of fresh out of high school are turning to the military not out of courage and honor but sheer lack of options ( i know that's not why all or even most join), and you get twits like your stuck dealing with in situtations that require more maturity that they can dream of. For you, i wish you the best and I want to let you know that I'm always available if you need to vent, i do love talking smack on stupid b*tches, makes you feel better sometimes! I assume your not orignally from where your stationed? What about a book club or taking an art class or something to meet people off base?

Thanks so much Suzy, I have made some great friends on TT, everyone is so nice. I was telling shortstuff today that TooTimid is like my little santuary, like my own little "town" full of nice people that all get along with each other. At least I WISH there was a place like this! LOL You are definitely right, many many people join and rejoin the military just as a last option. They don't want to put in the hardwork to educate themselves and turn to the military as a means to survive, with little knowledge of just how much the military will exploit them as cheap labor. The thing that makes me so angry about that is the military is paying their men 30 (40 for NCO's and such) thousand per YEAR to serve in Iraq 60 or 70 percent of their enlistment time, when civilians are going over there voluntarily and getting no less than 6 figures per year.

You would think the military would provide better than any civilian company could afford, but its "just not in the budget." They can afford billions in bailouts, but can't afford to raise the pay of the men and women who work their asses off keeping us free. But that my friend, is a whole other can of worms! I too share your perspective on the oil war, I'm way too peaceful a person to agree with any war, regardless of being married to a military man. I support all men & women service-members, but do not agree with the reason they are overseas.

I have done my best to find people with similar interests, I've tried many different hobbies. So far recently I've gotten into the gardening thing, which doesn't exactly assimilate with the such deemed "FUN ACTIVITIES" of my generation! LOL I noticed I had a green thumb when hubby brought home flowers for Valentine's and I was able to keep them alive for nearly a month! So I've planted some and found it's a great stress reliever. I think things will be much different when I start working again. I'm a full-time student and homemaker right now, and the majority of my schooling is online, so yet another reason contributing to my reclusive nature! Things will change soon I hope, I certainly miss being the outgoing youth I was not too long ago.

Thanks again for your comments and understanding. You are truly a nice person

[shoupja]

For you, i wish you the best and I want to let you know that I'm always available if you need to vent, i do love talking smack on stupid b*tches, makes you feel better sometimes!

Oh girl I think we'd get along IRL just fine. It really does help sometimes.

Smile4me, a great way to meet new people who actually have feelings is to volunteer for a charitable cause. Either organize a charity walking group like for the Breast Cancer Walk or volunteer to work somewhere in the community. When the economy is bad, charities are usually the first ones to feel it, so if you have free time and want to meet new, caring people and do something good for your community then VOLUNTEER!

Years ago I worked for a no-kill animal shelter and I loved meeting other people who cared about animals as much as I did, and I LOVED working with the animals. It sucked going home smelling like dog, but when their faces would light up because I walked in the room, it was totally worth it.

[Smile4Me]

When the economy is bad, charities are usually the first ones to feel it, so if you have free time and want to meet new, caring people and do something good for your community then VOLUNTEER!

Years ago I worked for a no-kill animal shelter and I loved meeting other people who cared about animals as much as I did, and I LOVED working with the animals. It sucked going home smelling like dog, but when their faces would light up because I walked in the room, it was totally worth it.

I actually work as a volunteer for a dog rescue It's really fun, but most of the friends I've made are so busy they don't have time for friends! LOL I love animals, and it's so much fun helping out for such a good cause. Needless to say, I completely agree with your opinion on volunteering, it's very rewarding.

[mailahn97]

I actually work as a volunteer for a dog rescue It's really fun, but most of the friends I've made are so busy they don't have time for friends! LOL I love animals, and it's so much fun helping out for such a good cause. Needless to say, I completely agree with your opinion on volunteering, it's very rewarding.

Smile4me it was nice chatting with you. It is nice to talk to people with like interests. You know how to find me that is for sure.....lol

[mystofpric]

I actually work as a volunteer for a dog rescue It's really fun, but most of the friends I've made are so busy they don't have time for friends! LOL I love animals, and it's so much fun helping out for such a good cause. Needless to say, I completely agree with your opinion on volunteering, it's very rewarding.

Whoa, she gardens and voulnteers at a shelter? Anyone else think I just found my clone? Next thing you know she'll be saying she loves to read!

For many of us TT is a home away from home and I have met some of my best friends here!

[Smile4Me]

Smile4me it was nice chatting with you. It is nice to talk to people with like interests. You know how to find me that is for sure.....lol

Hi Kelly!! (sorry if you don't want me to use ur name just let me know!) Yeh it was lots of fun chatting!! I'm so bored over here and trying not to bug everyone with my opinions, and probably my many gripes! LOL Rather unsucessfully might I add! LOL It's just so much fun commenting on all the juicy topics, it's like an addiction! LOL

Whoa, she gardens and voulnteers at a shelter? Anyone else think I just found my clone? Next thing you know she'll be saying she loves to read!

LOL Suzy, you crack me up!! Actually Miss Thang, I DO like to read!! I'm more of a news junkie though, I like reading articles online over books, but every once in a while, I'll get a good book that I can't get enough of, usually the inspirational novels or something mysterious! Oh and I love some good erotica also, hehehee. With all the nice people I'm meeting here from the North, sounds like I need to hoof it to that area and get out of the Grumpy South! LOL Like a vacation of sorts! The dogs are great, like I was telling shortstuff, they're the sweetest unbiased beings...they don't need money or cars or houses, just love, food, and attention and they're yours for life. I love being apart of the rehabilitation too, the dogs who have come from abusive homes and such. It's amazing to watch them turn around for the best. Gives me a great sense of accomplishment and peace.

[Kinky Twinkie]

Thanks guys. I needed the pick me up. Normally I would chalk it up to another painful reminder of how unhappy the military can be, but I think it's just ridiculous really. It really has nothing to do with "free stuff" or anything of material means, it's more the principle. Just the fact that this kind of "special treatment" only drives another wedge between military wives ...when we're all supposed to be supporting each other. It's bad enough that half of the military wives in this town wear their husband's rank on their sleeve, and refuse to associate with those individuals whose husbands aren't a certain rank (ridiculous, I know), but they have to go making things worse by giving them a reason to think they're somehow better than the next wife.

None of the good women here can trust anyone else b/c there are so many women here that do not deserve the respect that they receive. Gossip gossip gossip, pathological lying, cheating, betrayal, binge drinking, it's like an episode of Nip/Tuck every single day in this tiny little hell-on-earth. I live in a townhome development designed for enlisted military (also known as "base housing") and just in the past month, we've had 3 people's cars completely totalled sitting in there DRIVEWAY from wives driving drunk. While the terrible wives are weaving their webs of shame, the rest of us are left to be reclusive and tagged "snobby" because we just don't want to be a part of it all. I've lived her for 3 years and haven't had a conversation with either one of my neighbors.

What is WRONG with this place? I've never been around so many hateful and obnoxious beings in one place. Have you ever been somewhere that just really brought out your most cynical side? These people are awful and I cannot wait to leave military life behind me. Future or potential military wives...think very hard before you decide to marry, because while it may be HIS dream to serve his country, it comes at an extreme expense, one where you are more than likely picking up the tab. Often following is an unswerving feeling of resentment. Just do me a favor and really think it over.

Thanks for letting me vent guys, I appreciate your kind words.

If your in the states, don't hang to close to the base. This crap has been happening for many decades. It was that way when I entered in 1989 and that crap had been happening since well ever since military history began. The main cause are those with little to no self esteem who look for achievment yet have desire to accomplish it on their own. It silly and you don't want to be a part of that group. There alot of good people on base too but they tend to keep away which is why you don't see them much.

The class system will never go away, I have even seen areas where there were bathrooms for officers and bathrooms for enlisted(reminds me of the 60's). Most of my family these days are prior enlisted commissioned officers so they make the most money one can and to my knowledge they would never act that way.

[mailahn97]

Hi Kelly!! (sorry if you don't want me to use ur name just let me know!) Yeh it was lots of fun chatting!! I'm so bored over here and trying not to bug everyone with my opinions, and probably my many gripes! LOL Rather unsucessfully might I add! LOL It's just so much fun commenting on all the juicy topics, it's like an addiction! LOL

I don't mind you using my name at all. That does not bother me. Most of the people on here know my name. You can bug me all you want. As I told you I am always on and don't mind chatting. You can jump in wherever you want. That is what makes this board great and keeps it going. We all have loads of fun.

I agree it is definitely an addiction at times, but one very fun addiction. I know my SO appreciates my addiction, because I have learned a lot of great things in this year plus.

[sass]

Whoa, she gardens and voulnteers at a shelter? Anyone else think I just found my clone? Next thing you know she'll be saying she loves to read!

Whoa! My sex pet HAS A CLONE?!?! I have died and gone to heaven!

[Smile4Me]

LOL You guys are one big bunch of goofballs!

Since we got on the topic of gardening (Suzy!) I have a question for you possible green-weenies here! LOL I just planted some oriental lillies outside, any clue how much I should water them? I did a little bit of research on this, but was pretty inconclusive. The package that had the bulbs in it wasn't terribly helpful in regards to maintenance.

I also started some potted plants, a delphinium and some daisies, and they're just beginning to germinate. How long until I should expect some blooms? Anyone know?

[mailahn97]

Whoa! My sex pet HAS A CLONE?!?! I have died and gone to heaven!

Down ladies down.....lol. I warned you Smile this is our happy horny dysfunctional family. Thought that are lots of fun I have to admit that.

[mystofpric]

LOL You guys are one big bunch of goofballs!

Since we got on the topic of gardening (Suzy!) I have a question for you possible green-weenies here! LOL I just planted some oriental lillies outside, any clue how much I should water them? I did a little bit of research on this, but was pretty inconclusive. The package that had the bulbs in it wasn't terribly helpful in regards to maintenance.

I also started some potted plants, a delphinium and some daisies, and they're just beginning to germinate. How long until I should expect some blooms? Anyone know?

Any time you plant something you want to water them every day for at least a week (unless otherwise noted) until the soil is throughly saturated. This gives the roots a chance to take hold without having to strain for water. Also Miracle Grow is WONDERFUL! That then some mulch and you'll have a GOREGOUS garden in no time. I have pictures on my garden in my albums and more on my myspace, I went nuts with the pictures! I'm waiting to see what springs back to life in my garden, April Showers.....

<Swoon!> Ladies, I'm in love!

[pappyld04]

HAHA! Suzy my plants rarely get the recommended water from me and are green most of the year. Mother Nature has been kind to the plants on the East side of the porch, but not so much on the West side. I used to prune, water and weed all the time but now I only bother with the weeds or grass taking nutrients away from the plants I want to shine!

[crossroads123]

I spent 20 years in the U.S.M.C. and retired as a CSM and believe it's no different now than then I heard the same thing many many times.