Secret Liasons...

[sun_flower969]

I had been talking w/ a couple members about this topic and I think we all know this stuff happens A LOT! In the forum alone I can say I can confirm at least 5 "romances" that went on at one time between members! I am certain that there are WAY more than that that I don't know about but I still have my suspects!

Why does this happen? I will speak personally. Last year I sort of started something with someone here on the forum, (no longer a member... but maybe he has come back using a different name... Hmmm) it never got off the ground, it was VERY short lived. I think the nature of the forum here draws like minded people together. In my case. This guy was not being appreciated at home, yet on here he seemed full of passion. Irresistible to me!

We started talking and joking... flirting and boy oh boy SPARKS flew. Then his wife busted him and all Hell broke loose! She came on here looking for me. It was so ugly, I felt awful. I spoke to her and tried to take full blame so he could work things out w/her. I have never heard from him again.

For me it was a huge boost to my self esteem, validating. I had a newborn baby, I had been through a ton of crap the year before (as most of you know) and it made me feel wanted!

When I was working I actually fell for a client. Nothing physical ever came of it but I was literally head over heels for this guy. If he ever said, "lets go", I would have blindly followed. When I left that job I was devastated, secretly longing for him. It took me over a year to finally not think about him every day. In that case I think I liked the attention. I have self esteem issues. I had lost some weight and suddenly being noticed again after all these years... well yeah, I was sucked in.

I have a friend who recently was contacted by an old boyfriend. He was the love of her life. He is married, sort of unhappily, with a family. He has been perusing her like crazy! She was really conflicted, having a great marriage and family herself, she was really torn up. She did see him a couple times but she never went through with it. He even started talking about leaving his wife! I am so proud of her! She ended it. She realized she had too much to lose and that this guy is just selfish.

Has anything like this ever happened to you? What did you learn? How did it happen? I know you are out there!!!

[sass]

GREAT poll Sunny! Let's see if folks will 'fess up.

For me, yeah, it has happened online. I wasn't in a serious relationship at the time, but he was, and I knew it. He was unhappy with every aspect of his home life (no sex, no affection, lots of arguing over minor things, etc.) and our chatting started with me trying to find ways to help him connect to his wife again. In the end, it worked. She found out he was getting the affection he craved from another woman, although only over the internet and phone lines, and it woke her up as to just how unhappy he was and how unfair she was treating him. He and I still talk from time to time and he is now happier at home than he has been in years. It was a strange way to go about it, but in the end, I accomplished my original goal - to help him find happiness.

I am glad it happened for several reasons. First, and no, I am not just saying this, I am so very glad that he is happy again. He is a great man and deserves total happiness whether it is with me or someone else. Secondly, I learned a lot about myself during our "fling." He showed me things about myself that I had never seen or realized before. Next, I realized that I must be a little better person than I previously thought I was since someone has special has him had fallen for me. Also, I gained a great friend. Even though we don't talk as much as we used to, I know he loves me and I love him. We ended up as great friends and he his marriage was resurrected. What could be better?

Why did it happen? I imagine because I needed some attention and getting it from such a truly great man was very up-lifting for me. We were friends for a long time before it developed into more, so I already knew the kind of man he was before I fell in love (or admitted to it). As for him, I think I gave him long distance some his wife was not able to give him living in the same house with him – true feelings of appreciation, love and desire. We’re only human, after all.

[synirr]

I've had this ongoing thing with a guy online for years, we used to exchange pictures and talk almost every night. He lives in Canada and has a family so meeting in person would probably never happen, and now it has simmered down and the romance aspect is gone, but he's still one of the best friends anyone could ask for and I love him to death in a platonic way.

When I was with my most recent ex, I had my eye on a coworker, who is my current guy. Nothing beyond flirting ever occured while I was still involved with the ex, but only due to lack of opportunity

[sun_flower969]

C'mon you sneaks! I KNOW you're out there!!! 12 votes and only 3 replies... tsk tsk!

[sass]

C'mon you sneaks! I KNOW you're out there!!! 12 votes and only 3 replies... tsk tsk!

LOL! Maybe they are all skeered, as a friend would say!

[sun_flower969]

LOL! Maybe they are all skeered, as a friend would say!

Well I understand that people might be afraid to be judged... but in the interest of helping people to learn from OUR mistakes... C'MON!!!!

[Mikayla1]

OK, I have been sooooo busy with random shit, so now I finally got around to answering this.

Yes, I have had a secret liason online AND in person - but let me explain.

In the position I am in, many and I mean MANY people approach me for a little sexy chat. I always turn them down....almost always. There was one person who touched me in a certain intellectual way and we started chatting and soon I saw myself talking rather sexily to him. It was fun, exhilarating, sexually arousing. My hubby knew about this person, but not the extent of our 'chats.' As some may remember, my hubby had a little online flingy thing when we were newly married. I have tossed the idea of 'is it cheating' over and over in my mind - and it really is a personal decision what you think. I never traded pictures, I didn't do 'webcam sex' - or any of that, it was just....talk.

Now, the other thing is, I recently ran into an ex of mine. In fact, it is the guy who cheated on me (I have written on forum about it.) He is married (unhappily of course) and his sex life is terrible (so he claims) and he has come to me to 'talk.' Well, that talk quickly turned into "I miss you" and "I miss sex with you" and then "I would leave my wife for you."

UMMMM, NO! I love, love my hubby and I would NOT leave him for this guy. Especially after what this guy did to me. However, I have to admit that I was intrigued by him, I was aroused at the idea of having him again, and I even was interested in maybe fucking him over - but i knew that was wrong. If I wasn't a little bit stronger, then I certainly would have thought harder about it.

I think I have learned that there are different levels of cheating and everyone is susceptible to it. Even happily married persons with great sex lives (like me) might be tempted to stray a little, if even just emotionally.

[mystofpric]

Hey, whoa, I voted! I didn't reply because I don't have any secret affairs, I'm an open book.

Although, some were secret at the time. So i guess that counts. Golden Rod and I were co-workers when it happened and no one what was going on, in fact they all thought he was banging this other girl we worked with (turns out, never did, i hated her. She's my Anti-Me.)

[Sunday]

[sun_flower969]

The on-line that became real - I fell in love, but neither of us was in a position to change our lives for the other. I don't regret doing any of them. But the on-line to real one was hard to end.

How did you end it, how did you deal with it emotionally? Do you still love that person? Just curious...

[Sunday]

How did you end it, how did you deal with it emotionally? Do you still love that person? Just curious...

Deal with it emotionally? I drink heavily. No, I just hurt a little bit all the time. It was sort of, "OK, we live really far apart and we would both have to basically end our lives as we know them and throw ourselves together." She's married and it would have been a HUGE commitment for her. If it hadn't worked out for us I would have felt really bad about screwing up her life. I do still love her and I still think about what might have come of it if we HAD taken the plunge.

[sun_flower969]

Deal with it emotionally? I drink heavily. No, I just hurt a little bit all the time. It was sort of, "OK, we live really far apart and we would both have to basically end our lives as we know them and throw ourselves together." She's married and it would have been a HUGE commitment for her. If it hadn't worked out for us I would have felt really bad about screwing up her life. I do still love her and I still think about what might have come of it if we HAD taken the plunge.

In hindsight, did you ever wish you hadn't started up in the first place? Just because, never really being able to be together must have been very painful...

Thanks for all the responses!

[vanilla_bean]

I've never had a secret fling (other than when I was 21 and was traveling in the South Pacific for four months. I think I wrote about that somewhere).

Since I've been with my husband, I've never even come close. I think it would be exhilarating but that it would also tear me up.

It's interesting how many responded that they're glad it happened. There's got to be some stories in that!

[Sunday]

In hindsight, did you ever wish you hadn't started up in the first place? Just because, never really being able to be together must have been very painful...

Thanks for all the responses!

"did you ever wish you hadn't started up in the first place?" No. I can't think of any of my relationships as negative. I've gotten something positive from every one.

"Just because, never really being able to be together must have been very painful..." It was, and still is. I think about her every day. But I've never had a friendship or a sexual relationship that wasn't painful at some time in some way. Has anyone??

[sass]

But I've never had a friendship or a sexual relationship that wasn't painful at some time in some way. Has anyone??

I totally agree. I don't know how two people who care deeply about each other can end a relationship, no matter what that relationship was (RL fling, online fling, friendship, etc.) without pain being involved. I think that is where the "better to love and lost than the never have loved" phrase came from. I still say, even though I have had my very tender heart torn into little bitty pieces in the past, that it is better to have loved.

There is a MySpace sticker about never regretting something you have done, because at the time you did it, it was exactly what you wanted to do. Sounds simple, but I think it is true. If you loved and it felt good to have that connection at the time, don't regret it. Learn from it, grow from it, become stronger from it, but don't wish it had not happened. The past makes us who we are today.

OK, getting off my soapbox now.

[sun_flower969]

There is a MySpace sticker about never regretting something you have done, because at the time you did it, it was exactly what you wanted to do. Sounds simple, but I think it is true. If you loved and it felt good to have that connection at the time, don't regret it. Learn from it, grow from it, become stronger from it, but don't wish it had not happened. The past makes us who we are today.

OK, getting off my soapbox now.

Sorry... I really think you learn from your regrets. You do something you wanted and then your realize you shouldn't have. You wish you didn't for want ever reason. Regret has a purpose too.

The reality is, if the thing that is causing you pain never happened... no pain! If you could go back in time to the place before you crossed a line, and not cross it, no regrets!

I'm not saying that's how anyone else should feel, that's how I feel though...

[panab]

Funny, I've had all of those.

Online, co worker, ex partner etc.

Fortunately, the reason they were all secret is now all gone.

[ladylove]

Funny, I've had all of those.

Online, co worker, ex partner etc.

Fortunately, the reason they were all secret is now all gone.

Perhaps you were looking for something in your secreted flings that was lacking IRL.

[Sunday]

Sorry... I really think you learn from your regrets. You do something you wanted and then your realize you shouldn't have. You wish you didn't for want ever reason. Regret has a purpose too.

The reality is, if the thing that is causing you pain never happened... no pain! If you could go back in time to the place before you crossed a line, and not cross it, no regrets!

I'm not saying that's how anyone else should feel, that's how I feel though...

Ahh, but it feels so good crossing the line!! That's why they invented the word "naughty."

Sure there is pain, but personally I would feel worse for not giving it a shot that I would from trying and failing. It's that way with most of the things in my life.

As i think back I do regret some things, mostly mean spur-of-the-moment words or comments I made that hurt someone's feelings. I do regret those.

[TODD6]

I just recently had a secret fling via on-line. It was with a woman I went to college with years ago. We had been catching up talking about our families, when she raised the question " Do you ever think about when we were together?". It kinda took off from there. It was just naughty e-mails about our past together.