New Here. Looking For Advice

[attyathome]

First, let me start by saying that I have been lurking on these TT boards since I discovered them a couple of weeks ago when I was looking for a good place for my first toy purchase. And I think this is a great, mature and supportive group of people.

Here's my issue (sorry that it's so lengthy): been happily married for 16 years and we have 3 kids. We have strong communication, and our sex life has had its ebbs and flows. For a good few years my sex drive was pretty low, and hubby was really patient with me, not pressuring me or complaining, even when we went through periods of only once or twice per month. We have also never been particularly adventurous--have played with ice now and then and showers together, but that's about it.

Ok, so about 6 months ago I seem to have experienced a sexual awakening, perhaps because our youngest is finally getting old enough to be self sufficient (4 yrs old), or perhaps because I went back to work, which has improved my self confidence, or perhaps because I'm nearing 40 (next month) and have simply shed some inhibitions. So I began shamelessly flirting with hubby and told him outright that I want him badly, and that I want to infuse more secuality into our relationship, which I thought would thrill him. I also asked him if he would be interested in trying some new things, like toys and anal. He said he's into it. I also asked him to talk to me about his fanatasies. But here's the problem--I feel like I am constantly the initiator now. I feel turned on every day, and have been letting him know. He doesn't seem to mind our increased activity, but also doesn't seem to be seeking it out. And I definitely want sex more than he does. I have tried talking naughty to him outside of the bedroom, in subtle and discreet ways, but he seems amused and almost exasperated by it rather than excited. I have started sleeping with much sexier nightclothes, or with nothing on. And he rarely approaches me. Again, he seems happy to have me approach him, although I'm starting to feel insecure--like he's really not that into it but is just doing it to please me. He hasn't followed up about the toys or the fantasies, and when I tried to talk to him more about trying anal sex, he said he was interested in it only because I brought it up. (Here I was thinking that it was like a gift to him.) I want him to flirt with me and I want to feel desired.

So I fear that from years of my low libido his sex drive has been permanently dulled. I'm feeling a bit insecure and rejected, and I wonder how to move forward. Should I keep doing what I'm doing and hope his interest will match mine? Or should I turn it down a notch since I might be too aggressive for him. I could continue to try and be sexy but wait for him to approach me. I actually made plans to celebrate his birthday later this month by getting rid of all 3 kids for the night and planning a really sexy night together, perhaps introducing my new toys and having a long night of passion. But now I'm not sure. Anyone have any useful experience to share? Any thoughts?

[DADT]

First, let me start by saying that I have been lurking on these TT boards since I discovered them a couple of weeks ago when I was looking for a good place for my first toy purchase. And I think this is a great, mature and supportive group of people.

Here's my issue (sorry that it's so lengthy): been happily married for 16 years and we have 3 kids. We have strong communication, and our sex life has had its ebbs and flows. For a good few years my sex drive was pretty low, and hubby was really patient with me, not pressuring me or complaining, even when we went through periods of only once or twice per month. We have also never been particularly adventurous--have played with ice now and then and showers together, but that's about it.

Ok, so about 6 months ago I seem to have experienced a sexual awakening, perhaps because our youngest is finally getting old enough to be self sufficient (4 yrs old), or perhaps because I went back to work, which has improved my self confidence, or perhaps because I'm nearing 40 (next month) and have simply shed some inhibitions. So I began shamelessly flirting with hubby and told him outright that I want him badly, and that I want to infuse more secuality into our relationship, which I thought would thrill him. I also asked him if he would be interested in trying some new things, like toys and anal. He said he's into it. I also asked him to talk to me about his fanatasies. But here's the problem--I feel like I am constantly the initiator now. I feel turned on every day, and have been letting him know. He doesn't seem to mind our increased activity, but also doesn't seem to be seeking it out. And I definitely want sex more than he does. I have tried talking naughty to him outside of the bedroom, in subtle and discreet ways, but he seems amused and almost exasperated by it rather than excited. I have started sleeping with much sexier nightclothes, or with nothing on. And he rarely approaches me. Again, he seems happy to have me approach him, although I'm starting to feel insecure--like he's really not that into it but is just doing it to please me. He hasn't followed up about the toys or the fantasies, and when I tried to talk to him more about trying anal sex, he said he was interested in it only because I brought it up. (Here I was thinking that it was like a gift to him.) I want him to flirt with me and I want to feel desired.

So I fear that from years of my low libido his sex drive has been permanently dulled. I'm feeling a bit insecure and rejected, and I wonder how to move forward. Should I keep doing what I'm doing and hope his interest will match mine? Or should I turn it down a notch since I might be too aggressive for him. I could continue to try and be sexy but wait for him to approach me. I actually made plans to celebrate his birthday later this month by getting rid of all 3 kids for the night and planning a really sexy night together, perhaps introducing my new toys and having a long night of passion. But now I'm not sure. Anyone have any useful experience to share? Any thoughts?

Be honest. Was he patient when your libido disappeared? Or was he resigned to going without sex because he had no choice? Your situation is very common. 40-something with young kids. For the Mum where is the psychic space to want sex during the early years. Outwardly most men try to put on a brave, understanding front. But our inner "Babies" say "Wah! Wah! I didn't even get a weekly quickie or BJ to tide me over. And not I've learned to put my horniness in the deep freeze, she's all wanton again? WTF, am I a light bulb here?"

So he's pissed off or depressed about it. So let him vent. Brace yourself and say to him "Give it to me with both barrels. I was sexually absent. Tell me how you really feel about the last 3-5 years." And then just let him run his mouth. Don't even take it to heart. It doesn't have to make sense. Do defend yourself. Do worry about whether he was justified. It doesn't matter who is right or wrong. Just let him be petty. You are giving him a chance to unblock some "Mental Crud" he probably doesn't even know is getting in the way.

At the end just say "I get it Honey. Can we start a fresh? I feel like a new woman now. I promise I won't go absent again. I love you and I always have & always will." He will melt, he may even cry.

And hold off on all the new, exotic stuff for a while. Just gradually ease him back into the comfy, regular nookie he was used to in the old days for the first month. And then bit by bit add a teaspoon of spice. A bit more Potty Mouth here and there ("OMG my pussy wants your cock so bad. Fill me up"). A random morning BJ with a release in your mouth (if you like that) just for the hell of it. Perhaps a bit more feedback when he licks you to give him an extra buzz (OMG yes suck my clit just like that. You Hero.")

Anyway, you get where I going. Sometimes Hubby is like that extra kid you hadn't planned on dealing with. He will realize that you are a red hot babe again once you coax his attitude in a more positive direction.

[sun_flower969]

Well isn't it funny how the tables are turned! I think I have experienced the same thing! I am almost 40 (aaaarrrggghh) and have 3 kids as well! I just think you should have the conversation! ASK him how he feels about all this newness! Maybe he is a bit intimidated or insecure! I know how you mean, you want to feel wanted but it is entirely possible that he thinks you know that already! Us women NEED that reassurance!

Maybe, like you said it just isn't on the forefront of his brain but you can help it to get there!

Ask him about his fantasies or if there is anything he has wanted to try. I like the idea of you getting the kids out for the night but even better, why don't you go to a hotel! Personally for me hotel sex is fantastic! It's like a different mindset or something.

[attyathome]

hmm, ok. Some food for thought. I hear what you're saying, DADT, and I think you're right that I should give him a chance to express whatever his pent up frustrations have been. But the thing is, I have asked him to talk about my low libido, and he insists that he was ok with it. I don't think he's lying to me, but perhaps he's in denial about how much it has bothered him.

Yes, Sunflower, we women like to be reassured. Without seeming too needy, I want to be seduced sometimes. I think you're right, I need to ask him where he is with it. The other thing I didn't mention is that this is a particularly bad time of year for him at work. In about a month things will slow down. Perhaps then he will be able to focus some more on me and us.

Thank you for your insights.

[DADT]

hmm, ok. Some food for thought. I hear what you're saying, DADT, and I think you're right that I should give him a chance to express whatever his pent up frustrations have been. But the thing is, I have asked him to talk about my low libido, and he insists that he was ok with it. I don't think he's lying to me, but perhaps he's in denial about how much it has bothered him.

Yes, Sunflower, we women like to be reassured. Without seeming too needy, I want to be seduced sometimes. I think you're right, I need to ask him where he is with it. The other thing I didn't mention is that this is a particularly bad time of year for him at work. In about a month things will slow down. Perhaps then he will be able to focus some more on me and us.

Thank you for your insights.

Come on Sultry, you've been hitched for 16 yrs. What's he supposed to say? Every husband knows that is the "3RD RAIL" along with actually answering the question "Do I look fat?" My fault. I made it sound like a quick fix. This process may take place over a few days or weeks. You weren't thinking of having a "DEADLY MARITAL SUMMIT MEETING" were you? FATAL!

So how long have you been "Horny Mom?" A few weeks? A couple of months? A Year? And are you "offering" or "demanding?" Don't get me wrong. You have every right to expect nice, loving, "cherish-me," "fuck-me," nookie, especially now the kids only need you 98.5% of the time. Its one of the reasons you got married. And I'm not defending hubby's attitude. But you need to use your feminine whiles and intuition to get him to reveal & then bring under control his "Inner Baby." Rationally he knows something profound changed when you had kids. But emotionally he may not have been ready for you to developed a Mommy Brain which he never had to deal with before. He also had to play 2nd fiddle to the kids & be absorbed in fatherhood too. That is harder to do in your 40s than in your 20s. And then I don't need to tell you about how energy sapping raising kids can be.

Here's a trick. Pretend you are friends who been apart for a long time. You know you still like each other, but reconnecting back to the way you were will take time.

Promise me this. We understand that you are frustrated. But don't get angry. Anger and Sex never mix. He detects you are irritated his "Inner Baby" will say "Fuck You, I can happily jerk off on my own without you!" Instead, trust that your sultriness will bring him back to his senses. Good Luck.

[attyathome]

You're funny. No, I don't want to have the DEADLY MARTIAL SUMMIT! I do understand enough to know that's a bad idea. But I think I don't know how to have this conversation with him. Feminine wiles--I'm trying.

[mystofpric]

You're funny. No, I don't want to have the DEADLY MARTIAL SUMMIT! I do understand enough to know that's a bad idea. But I think I don't know how to have this conversation with him. Feminine wiles--I'm trying.

Hi hun! Welcome to the boards first.

Next, i agree with DADT, he may be confused. However, I say, go ahead with your naughty birthday plans. Send teh kids to the grandparents, let him watch his sports (or whatever he does to relax), you can even do all your housework, in 3" red satin heels. Then make him a wonderful dinner, wearing nothing but an apron(do wanna burn yourself) and those heels. Light the candles enjoy your dinner (while playing footsie like teenagers) then clear the table, leave the dishes and go service your man. If that doesn't waken his libdo, i don't think anything will. And at any rate you'll get one hell of a rush from it all!

[ladylove]

Hi Sultry

Been there, got through it, know how you feel.

Through out my whole marriage we have alway gone away for "reconnection weekends", which highly recommend. For a time I think it was the only time we had sex, and it was quit unimaginative. Personally, my husband was just confused after the long drought. He confessed, out of frustration, he wasn't sure what I wanted, because my behavior was so unexpected, he admitted he resigned himself to a lacking sex life and was pushed to admit somewhat angry, over the situation. I never knew he was angry, he never showed it.

So, I flirted, relentlessly with him, became the sexual aggressor, but sort of let him set the pace at he same time. After things got less complicated and more comfortable we started adding new things. He became more interested and became pro- active. Divulging fantasy's, playing all kinds of games board and others, using toys, etc.

You can work your way through to a fabulous sex life again, it just may take a little time depending on how much baggage there is. I highly recommend weekends away if you can. They're worth every penny and more.

[attyathome]

Hi Sultry

Been there, got through it, know how you feel.

Through out my whole marriage we have alway gone away for "reconnection weekends", which highly recommend. For a time I think it was the only time we had sex, and it was quit unimaginative. Personally, my husband was just confused after the long drought. He confessed, out of frustration, he wasn't sure what I wanted, because my behavior was so unexpected, he admitted he resigned himself to a lacking sex life and was pushed to admit somewhat angry, over the situation. I never knew he was angry, he never showed it.

So, I flirted, relentlessly with him, became the sexual aggressor, but sort of let him set the pace at he same time. After things got less complicated and more comfortable we started adding new things. He became more interested and became pro- active. Divulging fantasy's, playing all kinds of games board and others, using toys, etc.

You can work your way through to a fabulous sex life again, it just may take a little time depending on how much baggage there is. I highly recommend weekends away if you can. They're worth every penny and more.

Everyone is great on this board! Thank you; I feel reassured that I am not alone. I also really appreciate the advice. I am going to forge ahead with my flirtatious behavior, keep wearing the sexy things, and get the action back where it should be. I hear what y'all are saying, and it's simply not an on/off switch. A sex date is planned tonight, so hopefully that should take care of some of the immediate frustration. Not cancelling the birthday plans.

[synirr]

Good luck!

[mystofpric]

Have Fun!

[thunderchild]

A sex date is planned tonight, so hopefully that should take care of some of the immediate frustration.

How did it go?????????????

[ladylove]

Everyone is great on this board! Thank you; I feel reassured that I am not alone. I also really appreciate the advice. I am going to forge ahead with my flirtatious behavior, keep wearing the sexy things, and get the action back where it should be. I hear what y'all are saying, and it's simply not an on/off switch. A sex date is planned tonight, so hopefully that should take care of some of the immediate frustration. Not cancelling the birthday plans.

Also for I have never, ever worn ugly sleeping cloths, you know like sweats, or something similar. I recommend everyone either wear something that makes them feel pretty, sexy etc... or nothing at all. I think it makes a difference in the way you feel.

[Sunday]

Personally, my husband was just confused after the long drought. He confessed, out of frustration, he wasn't sure what I wanted, because my behavior was so unexpected, he admitted he resigned himself to a lacking sex life and was pushed to admit somewhat angry, over the situation. I never knew he was angry, he never showed it.

I know exactly how he feels. I'm a bit angry over that situation myself. Having that anger just under the surface affects our whole relationship.

So, I flirted, relentlessly with him, became the sexual aggressor, but sort of let him set the pace at he same time. After things got less complicated and more comfortable we started adding new things. He became more interested and became pro- active. Divulging fantasy's, playing all kinds of games board and others, using toys, etc.

You can work your way through to a fabulous sex life again, it just may take a little time depending on how much baggage there is. I highly recommend weekends away if you can. They're worth every penny and more.

I am so glad that worked for you. It's wonderful that you regained this part of your life. I'm happy for both of you!

[ladylove]

I know exactly how he feels. I'm a bit angry over that situation myself. Having that anger just under the surface affects our whole relationship.

I am so glad that worked for you. It's wonderful that you regained this part of your life. I'm happy for both of you!

Thanks Sunday. It's been, many, many years since, when the kids were small and time was harried and tight, but it's defiantly something to remember so we don't stumble into those ugly patterns again. I do hope you can find your own peace.

[attyathome]

How did it go?????????????

Ok, haven't had time to be on here in a couple days. Here's the deal since I last posted--we talked some about this thing and screwed some. For the talking--it was enormously helpful to have the perspectives that were shared here. For the screwing--took care of itself, and it's been amazing. Thursday night we had a session that I think must rank up there with the best we've ever had. Last night also nothing to sneeze at. I think that I feel a little guilty about the vacation that my sex drive took, and on top of that I'm a little insecure and I want to be wanted. At the same time, Hubby told me he's a little taken aback at my renewed interest in bedding him, but certainly he's thrilled about it. So we are needing to work back into a more active, non complicated sex life. So we are on the way, I think, to the awesome sex life that we were meant to have. I'm consistently surprised at how much of a relationship is actually work--even the sex life sometimes. But it's good work. He did mention my desires to get a little more imaginative, and he asked me the other night if I was ready to try anal intercourse. I told him we need to work up to it. I really do want to, but I'm nervous (never done it before.) We did start with a finger, which I thought was amazing. So I finally put in my first order for toys, and I ordered the anal starter kit. Looking forward to getting it!!

Have a great weekend!

[mystofpric]

WOOHOO!! Thats awesome hun, glad things worked out and feel free to post a review of the kit when you get it and have tried it, there's lots of other anal virgins (myself included) who like to know that it does work!

[ladylove]

Ok, haven't had time to be on here in a couple days. Here's the deal since I last posted--we talked some about this thing and screwed some. For the talking--it was enormously helpful to have the perspectives that were shared here. For the screwing--took care of itself, and it's been amazing. Thursday night we had a session that I think must rank up there with the best we've ever had. Last night also nothing to sneeze at. I think that I feel a little guilty about the vacation that my sex drive took, and on top of that I'm a little insecure and I want to be wanted. At the same time, Hubby told me he's a little taken aback at my renewed interest in bedding him, but certainly he's thrilled about it. So we are needing to work back into a more active, non complicated sex life. So we are on the way, I think, to the awesome sex life that we were meant to have. I'm consistently surprised at how much of a relationship is actually work--even the sex life sometimes. But it's good work. He did mention my desires to get a little more imaginative, and he asked me the other night if I was ready to try anal intercourse. I told him we need to work up to it. I really do want to, but I'm nervous (never done it before.) We did start with a finger, which I thought was amazing. So I finally put in my first order for toys, and I ordered the anal starter kit. Looking forward to getting it!!

Have a great weekend!

Good for you!